


We Are Made to Love

by OverthinkingThis



Category: Chinese Actor RPF, 陈情令 | The Untamed (TV) RPF
Genre: Alternating Points of View, Angst, BJYX | Wang Yi Bo/Xiao Zhan is Real, Coming Out, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, Fate & Destiny, Flashbacks, Fluff and Angst, Happy Ending, Idiots in Love, Insecurity, Jealousy, Long-Distance Relationship, M/M, Misunderstandings, Mostly Timeline Compliant Speculation, Parent-Child Relationship, Quarantine, Secret Relationship, So Many Endnotes, So Many Pictures, Social Media, Sorry If You Came Here for Smut, Time Skips, True Love, Yizhan - Freeform, yes this is that fic with the early timeline
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-11
Updated: 2020-12-18
Packaged: 2021-03-04 06:40:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 20
Words: 83,214
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24669283
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/OverthinkingThis/pseuds/OverthinkingThis
Summary: Flicking his eyes up at Yibo’s face on the screen, he murmured, “Don’t you ever miss our life from before?  BeforeA-Lingchanged it?”Yibo’s face softened as he recalled the days when they could still go out on a normal date together -- to a hole-in-the-wall restaurant, to see a movie, or even to just take a walk without an entourage, without all the elaborate decoys and deceptions to throw off pursuing fans.  Long-ago memories replayed in his mind: Xiao Zhan laughing in his ear as they rode off on Yibo’s motorcycle to nowhere special; Xiao Zhan reclining in the grass; Xiao Zhan kissing him outside under a full moon.  His throat tightened, and a deep feeling of loss overwhelmed him.-----------------Xiao Zhan and Wang Yibo are in quarantine far apart when the AO3 controversy hits.  It's a perfect storm -- a pandemic, a cyberbullying campaign, and the pain of being separated -- how will they get through it?  By remembering what brought them together in the first place.Spanish translationVietnamese translation on Wattpad
Relationships: Wang Yi Bo & Xiao Zhan, Wang Yi Bo/Xiao Zhan
Comments: 364
Kudos: 713





	1. The Storm

**Author's Note:**

  * Translation into Español available: [Estamos Hechos para Amar](https://archiveofourown.org/works/28641804) by [JennVilla](https://archiveofourown.org/users/JennVilla/pseuds/JennVilla)



> Please be kind, this is my very first fic ever! As a first-time writer, I love getting reader feedback. Please do leave comments if you have thoughts, questions, or just want to emote!
> 
> I started watching The Untamed during quarantine, after the whole AO3/Xiao Zhan controversy flared up, and so I was inspired to write a story about Xiao Zhan and Wang Yibo that's mainly set during that time period, with flashbacks to earlier events because (1) that's how I was introduced to the fandom, (2) Xiao Zhan and Wang Yibo have lots of time to reflect on things, and (3) because The Untamed and MDZS are all about flashbacks.
> 
> This story is inspired by real-life events, and by the beauty I see in the real-life relationship between two actors I've grown to respect and admire. But this is still a work of fiction, so please don't take it as more than that.
> 
> I'm indebted to my faithful beta readers, [ShamelessPeterPan (PiscesDragon)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/PiscesDragon/pseuds/ShamelessPeterPan) and [esmeraldablazingsky](https://archiveofourown.org/users/esmeraldablazingsky/pseuds/esmeraldablazingsky), for slogging through all the drafts and helping me polish each chapter. If the work is a mess, it's because I ignored their suggestions. And special thanks to Ven, Shira, and Pika for entertaining my constant requests for research and translation help. 多谢姐姐们!

“THIS IS BULLSHIT!” Yibo shouted as he disappeared from Xiao Zhan’s screen in a blur. His cursing faded, drowned out completely by a crashing sound.

Was he swearing in Korean now? Xiao Zhan shook his head, faintly amused despite his fatigue. More cursing, and something white flashed by. The screen jumped, then panned uselessly around the room for a jarring moment until Xiao Zhan found himself blinded by the ceiling fixture in Yibo’s hotel room.

He sighed. “Yibo.” The only response was a dull, staccato thudding noise. Xiao Zhan guessed he was punching something, and hoped it wasn’t a wall.

“Yibo.” 

The thudding continued.

“WANG YIBO!” he shouted into his phone. There was a grunt, a scraping of table legs, and finally, Yibo came into view again, red-faced and breathing hard.

“Are you done?”

Yibo said nothing, biting his lips into a thin line as he threw himself down on the couch, wet eyes glaring off into space from behind disheveled bangs.

Xiao Zhan pressed the heels of his hands into his own eyes, and took a deep breath. Fixing his gaze on Yibo’s face, he started to say something, but nothing came out except a frustrated exhale of air.

Yibo’s anger turned to concern as he looked into Xiao Zhan’s exhausted face. Although Xiao Zhan was older by six years, Yibo had always felt fiercely protective of him. It had surprised him to feel that way about anyone. He had gotten used to being the one that others took care of -- as the _maknae_ to his UNIQ bandmates, on the set of _Tian Tian Xiang Shang_ , where he was treated like a spoiled little brother by his co-hosts, and well, pretty much everywhere, since he was still just 22. 

Maybe it was the months he spent filming _Chen Qing Ling_ with Xiao Zhan, playing the dutiful Lan Wangji to Xiao Zhan’s Wei Wuxian. Though Yibo was no method actor, he found he enjoyed how _good_ it felt to inhabit a character whose life revolved around defending the one he loved, to be there to catch him if he fell. 

And now Xiao Zhan was in trouble.

“Zhan-ge. This is getting out of control... getting worse every day.” He slammed his fists into his thighs, grimacing. “God I wish I could just come home... to be with you.” Yibo’s voice was low, torn from deep within his throat, “Being apart like this... with all this going on... it’s been so unbearable.” He sniffed and wiped his eyes.

“ _Baobao_ , don’t. Please don’t cry. I hate to see you upset like this… I’m okay… Really. It’s fine. I’ll be… fine.” Xiao Zhan meant to say it reassuringly, but it was hard to when he didn’t actually feel fine. He sighed, trying to suppress his own complicated feelings. “You really shouldn’t--”

“Are you fucking kidding me here? An internet... _MOB_ launched a campaign to ruin your career, spreading bullshit about you, threatening everything you’ve worked so hard for…and now you’re telling me your corporate partners are starting to back away from you... and for - for WHAT??? You didn’t do anything to deserve this! And I’ve been stuck here, I can’t be there for you, and - and - and you’re worried about ME being upset? This is all FINE??? No this is not fucking fine!” The words tumbled out in a breathless rush, forcing Yibo to take a sharp inhale of air that unwillingly melted into a sob. Hot tears welled up in his eyes as he bit down on his lips again. _Ugh, get it together, Yibo!_

Xiao Zhan groaned and threw his face into his pillow to hide his own frustration. “I just…I just don’t want you to… to…” he trailed off, his voice muffled.

“What, to care about you? To be upset when people are trying to hurt the person I love most in this world? Talk to me, Ge. Please. Stop pretending you’re OK. Let me help.”

Even as he said those words, Yibo knew there really wasn’t anything he _could_ do. The whole mess started when Xiao Zhan’s fans complained about what they felt was an obscene fictional story about Xiao Zhan, which was followed by a government ban of sites hosting such stories. Protesting the government action was pointless, and perhaps even dangerous. Xiao Zhan, though, was a soft and convenient target for the aggrieved. And tearing him down was the most effective way to get back at his fans. 

Now, several days into what the media tepidly termed “Xiao Zhan’s accident,” there was no sign that the rage building against Xiao Zhan would burn itself out anytime soon. Quite the opposite. The online frenzy had quickly grown to truly unprecedented levels -- ugly personal threats, organized boycotts of Xiao Zhan’s corporate sponsors, projects thrown into question -- all leading various media outlets to start writing obituaries for Xiao Zhan’s career. Xiao Zhan felt his usual drive to win, to rise above it all, start to ebb away. It was getting harder and harder to get up in the morning. He just felt so _drained._

Yibo, on the other hand, was getting more and more wound up. He was in Hengdian to finish filming his latest drama, but with the COVID-19 pandemic still gripping all of China, he had to complete a two-week quarantine before he could start work. That left Yibo all alone in a faraway hotel room with nothing to do but brood. And spend an increasingly unhealthy amount of time lurking in online groups to see what people were saying about Xiao Zhan. What he found didn’t exactly fill him with optimism.

Xiao Zhan turned his head back to the screen, propping his head up on a hand. His eyes were red-rimmed and tired. “It’s bad enough that I’m going through this -- I don’t want to drag you in too…”

“Ge. I’m already in this. That story – the one that started this whole thing – it wasn’t just about you. It was about me too.”

“But you’re not the one they’re after. And I want to keep it that way.”

“You don’t think they’re trying to hurt me too? You think it was a coincidence that this whole thing blew up the moment I left you in Beijing to start my quarantine here? These jackasses _knew_ I wouldn’t be able to come back, that I’d have to - to - to sit here USELESS when you need me the most.” Yibo kicked the table in front of him and wiped away the tears that had started to fall again.

“You’re just collateral damage, Yibo. I’m the person they want to punish. It was my fans, not yours, who did the reporting.” He threw Yibo a look to stop him from arguing. “We’ve talked about this. I don’t want you – or anyone else – to put a target on themselves, OK? Promise you won’t put yourself out there to try to defend me. No public statements. No cheeky Weibo posts,” he threw in, thinking of the time Yibo posted pictures of his worn out shoes to call out another actor who had disparaged Xiao Zhan. “It won’t help. In fact, you need to... distance yourself from me. I... I have to ride this out on my own.” Xiao Zhan ducked his head away from the camera for a moment to wipe away the tears that had started to well up. _I can’t let him see me upset or he’ll never back down._

“You know me! I can’t just sit by and let this happen to you and not DO something. I can’t!”

“Well, you’re NOT going to do anything,” Xiao Zhan said, a little more sharply than he meant to. “Don’t make me push you away to protect you, because you know that I will.” 

Yibo raked his fingers through his hair and pulled. He threw his head back and made a strangled kind of cry at the ceiling. “Stop... stop! STOP IT! Stop being all - all WEI WUXIAN about this! You do not have to stand alone! God! Can you please think about yourself for once?”

“Yibo, I’m not… I’m... not…” He sighed, then laughed and flashed a smile that, even with Xiao Zhan’s sad eyes, made Yibo’s scalp tingle. Yibo really wished he were back home, and he could act on the urges that smile always sparked in him. “OK, maybe I’m being a little… Wei Ying about it,” Xiao Zhan mused. “But seriously, I can’t have Hanguang Jun’s sterling reputation getting all dirtied through an association with me.” He gave Yibo a half-hearted smirk, but he felt a stab of pain in his chest as he thought about how much he was hurting Yibo by just being with him, and how much it would hurt not to have Yibo by his side.

Yibo gritted his teeth at this. “There is absolutely nothing wrong with you. You’re… perfect. This is all complete garbage and you know it. Don’t even--”

“Do you honestly think anyone cares at this point whether what’s happening is right or wrong? True or false? I’m too tempting a target. You know I’ve been worried for months that something like this would happen, with _A-Ling_ ’s popularity being so... crazy. That the knives would come out for me eventually, ban or no ban… you know as well as I do that there’s no way to respond without making it worse. My team tried that.” 

He thought for a moment, and recited one of his lines from _Chen Qing Ling_ : “Actually, sometimes the world only needs an excuse, or a target, a target everyone can hate.”

He pointed at Yibo through the screen. “And Hanguang Jun dropping out of the sky wielding Bichen won’t do any good.” He gave a small, wistful smile and sighed at the mental image of a beautiful man in flowing white robes, always arriving just in time to save his beloved. Not this time. He looked away. “It was bound to happen, eventually. Maybe this,” he said, waving his hand, “this is all I get.”

“No, no it’s not,” Yibo almost shouted into the phone. “You are too damn talented to just… fade away. You’re the best actor I’ve ever-- _Aiyaaa_! Don’t give me that face, I’m not just blowing rainbow farts at you!”

Xiao Zhan laughed, eyes crinkling as he thought of their battles to see who would crack first in a barrage of praise. But his laugh soon gave way to a long, sad exhale. He looked down and murmured, “but maybe it’s not the worst thing, you know? To just… go back… to being…” He shook his head. “I mean, is this really the life I wanted?”

Yibo’s face went pale. “You… What do you mean by that? You don’t want this… our life?” His lips trembled and although he quickly pressed them together to hide his distress, his eyes betrayed him and wet his cheeks. _I’ve loved him for years now, since the day I first saw him. I don’t even want to think about him walking away from us._

“No! That’s not what I meant at all! God, no!” Xiao Zhan touched the screen as if to wipe away the tears. “Don’t even think that. You… this… us… it’s the one thing I wouldn’t be able to bear losing. I love you, so much, and whenever I get upset, thinking maybe I got more than I bargained for out of the whole celebrity madness -- getting stalked, having to watch every word I say, all of this…” He drew in a deep breath, lost in thought for a moment as he recalled the fan frenzy and industry scrutiny that had been building since _Chen Qing Ling_ aired, and how unprepared he had been for it. Flicking his eyes up at Yibo’s face on the screen, he murmured, “Don’t you ever miss our life from before? Before _A-Ling_ changed it?” 

Yibo’s face softened as he recalled the days when they could still go out on a normal date together -- to a hole-in-the-wall restaurant, to see a movie, or even to just take a walk without an entourage, without all the elaborate decoys and deceptions to throw off pursuing fans. Long-ago memories replayed in his mind: Xiao Zhan laughing in his ear as they rode off on Yibo’s motorcycle to nowhere special; Xiao Zhan reclining in the grass; Xiao Zhan kissing him outside under a full moon. His throat tightened, and a deep feeling of loss overwhelmed him.

Xiao Zhan watched his face carefully, waiting for a response that didn’t come. He worried the edge of his pillowcase between his fingers. “So… What I meant was... well, Wei Ying never really ever got back his swagger after he was resurrected, but in the end he was still _satisfied_ ,” he said with a look, a nod to the love song Xiao Zhan had released after their magical summer filming together. “If nothing else, Wei Ying got to spend the rest of his life with his soulmate at his side. That wouldn’t be a bad ending, to walk that one log bridge with you till the end?” He tried to smile, but something in Yibo’s expression turned this last thought into a question.

In his head, Yibo was still with his past Xiao Zhan, the one who told him about how he had walked away from a stable, “normal” life to pursue his dreams, the one Yibo fell in love with for his fiery determination, the one who looked to Yibo for encouragement when things looked hopeless. He frowned. “But you’ve worked too hard... You are too good to just - just -” Yibo flailed his hands, failing to find the words, and finally looked away with a huff. Xiao Zhan’s heart dropped into his stomach. 

_Oh. He wouldn’t respect me if I gave up, if I couldn’t be his equal anymore. That’s the life he sees for us, being kings together. Maybe if I don’t ever come back from this, I will lose him, too._

Xiao Zhan inhaled deeply, a sudden wave of calm washing over his face. He spoke evenly. “Listen, it’s late. You have a remote episode to shoot tomorrow, so you need rest. And we’re not going to solve anything tonight. I’m tired, too. Can we just, you know, talk about this another time?” He smiled kindly, but it didn’t reach his eyes.

A stab of pain went through Yibo’s chest as he watched Xiao Zhan put on that familiar mask – the one he wore in public to show people what they wanted to see, when he didn’t want to share what he was really feeling. And now he was wearing it for Yibo. 

“Ge… _baobao_ … don’t…”

“I’m fine, don’t worry. I’m just tired. Talk tomorrow?” He smiled that placid, opaque smile again. “Get some rest, OK? I love you.”

Yibo nodded sadly, too hurt by being shut out to say more. _Didi ai ni_ , he whispered, and quickly ended the call so that Xiao Zhan wouldn’t see him collapse on the couch, his body heaving in deep sobs.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> References:
> 
> The Chinese title for The Untamed is 陈情令, or _Chen Qing Ling_. The cast members call it _A-Ling_ , which is an affectionate nickname.
> 
> A _maknae_ is a Korean term for the youngest member of a group. Wang Yibo was the _maknae_ in UNIQ, the Korean/Chinese boy band that he joined in 2014.
> 
>  _Tian Tian Xiang Shang_ (TTXS), or Day Day Up (DDU), is a long-running Chinese variety show. Wang Yibo joined in 2016 as the youngest co-host of the show.
> 
> The AO3 controversy is tied to the 227 event, so named for the date that the internet campaign against Xiao Zhan started (February 27, 2020). AO3 became inaccessible in China on February 29, 2020: <https://www.vox.com/2020/3/1/21159275/china-ao3-archive-of-our-own-banned-censorship>
> 
> Yibo uses a post about old shoes to call out another actor for dissing Xiao Zhan: <https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xNh2ZMapOsw>
> 
> _Didi ai ni_ means "Little brother loves you" and it comes from this behind-the-scenes (BTS) clip: <https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KeS0SRG6WRU>


	2. Meeting in a Field of Yellow

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When Xiao Zhan met Wang Yibo...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I adore feedback from readers, so please leave comments if you have thoughts, questions, or just want to emote about the boys!
> 
> If you enjoyed this story, you might like this collection of other [short works](https://archiveofourown.org/series/1998622) that live in the same universe.

_Didi ai ni._

Xiao Zhan’s phone slipped out of his hands and onto the floor when he heard Yibo’s last words before their call ended. Just like that, he was transported back to the summer of 2018 when he and Yibo had filmed _Chen Qing Ling_ together. Yibo had tossed aside his cool guy persona and laid his heart bare for Xiao Zhan, obvious to anyone who watched the footage of them clowning behind the scenes. He’d shouted these words to Xiao Zhan across a crowded set so many times, not caring what anyone might think... and he’d whispered them to Xiao Zhan many more times when they managed to be alone and away from all the cameras and curious eyes.

_I should call him back._

But what to say? Xiao Zhan had never felt so unsure of himself as he had in the last two weeks. He was used to being so driven, so certain about what he wanted, but now nothing made sense to him, and there didn’t seem to be anything he could do about it. Everything he touched lately seemed to be going to hell.

He and Yibo talked themselves into circles day after day about the crisis without resolution, and he was sure that sharing his fears was only making Yibo even more upset. He knew he had hurt Yibo when he pushed him away just now, but wasn’t it kinder to give Yibo a break from his problems? And anyway, he didn’t even have the energy to retrieve his phone from the floor. _So lame._

_Oh, Yibo... maybe you should have just let me go._

As sleep took over, he saw a boy in red walking through a field of yellow flowers.

\-------------

_**March 2017, Changsha** _

Xiao Zhan was standing awestruck on the side of a road, his artist’s eye transfixed by the brilliant yellow of the canola flowers that were blooming in all directions as far as he could see. This was where he and the other members of his boy band, X Nine, would be shooting the opening sequence for their appearance on the variety show _Tian Tian Xiang Shang_.

He itched to take some photos of the scenery, but when he reached for his camera, he remembered that he had lent his bag to some staff member for the show to use as a prop.

_Oh well, I hope someone takes some good pictures that I can remember this day by._

The morning was cold, and the rest of his bandmates were all shivering in their matching white suits, but Xiao Zhan felt giddy and alive, running through the flowers, striking silly poses, and just goofing around for the cameras. It beat sitting in an office in front of a computer, which is where he’d been just a few years ago, before he decided to compete on the reality show _X-Fire_ for a place in this very band.

Across the field, he could see a spot of red weaving through the bright yellow flowers towards him. He watched as the red clarified into a jacket, and then he realized that the boy wearing the red jacket was Wang Yibo, the youngest of the _Tian Tian Xiang Shang_ hosts. Yibo was a member of another boy band, UNIQ, and because Xiao Zhan was a huge K-pop fan, he knew all about UNIQ and Yibo.

Plus, Xiao Zhan had spent way too much time watching videos of UNIQ’s performances and random clips of Yibo when he was preparing for _X-Fire_. He even saw UNIQ at a concert in Beijing the previous summer. It was “research” for his own idol training, he told himself, but Xiao Zhan also couldn’t ignore the feeling he got when he took in the way Yibo moved his body, the intensity of his eyes, the cocksure curl of his lips…

Watching Yibo walking through the field, Xiao Zhan’s heart did a little leap when he noticed that Yibo was carrying Xiao Zhan’s bag on his back. _Now I have an excuse to introduce myself to him._ When he saw that they were wrapping up their shoot, Xiao Zhan jogged around the edge of the field to where the _TTXS_ staffers were working. _OK, be cool._ He spied Yibo leaning on the side of a van, checking his phone.

Xiao Zhan walked up, cleared his throat, and said, in English, “Hi.” He smiled broadly.

Yibo looked up, startled, and dropped his phone.

They both did an awkward little dance as they each moved to pick up the phone, so Xiao Zhan backed off and waited while Yibo bent down to get it.

He stood up again, looking a little flustered. “Uh, hi.” He gave a small wave.

“Sorry! I didn’t mean to sneak up on you. I’m Xiao Zhan. I’m one of your guests for the show? With X Nine.”

“Oh. I’m - I’m Wang Yibo. Nice to um... meet you.” He was polite, but seemed a little wary.

 _He looks uncomfortable. Maybe I should just ask for my bag and go._ Xiao Zhan smiled again, hoping to put Yibo at ease.

It didn’t seem to help.

Xiao Zhan tried again. “I uh... noticed you in the field earlier…”

Yibo's eyes widened. “You did?”

“Yeah... I saw you were carrying my bag? So I was wondering…”

“Oh. Right. Uh, yeah. Wait here, I’ll go get it for you.” He turned and headed to a car parked nearby.

As he watched him walk away, a video of Yibo writhing through a performance of EOEO suddenly started looping in his head. Xiao Zhan wanted to slap himself for having these thoughts -- Yibo was only 19, after all. What was Xiao Zhan even doing, coming over to chat him up? It would probably be for the best if their conversation ended right now.

Yibo returned, handing the bag to him. “Thanks for letting us use your bag. I…”

Before he could say more, Yibo was summoned by a staff member for a reshoot.

He sighed and looked back to Xiao Zhan. “I - I’m really sorry, I’ve gotta go. It - it was nice to meet you.”

And then he was gone.

_Well, so much for that._

\-------------

In the afternoon, the set was pandemonium for the studio taping of X Nine’s episode. Between the TTXS hosts, the nine band members, plus a bewildering number of other guests, there was no opportunity to carry on any kind of conversation. Several times, though, Yibo ended up next to Xiao Zhan on stage, and Xiao Zhan tried hard to keep his eyes elsewhere.

_There are cameras everywhere and I don’t want to get caught staring. Video lasts forever._

When Yibo was upstage from him, though, he let his eyes linger. He looked his age, in casual clothes and smiling nervously, looking slightly uncomfortable, the way he did that morning. He was so different from the confident, smoldering performer Xiao Zhan had expected. It was... endearing, he found.

[ ](https://imgur.com/kh8nzA3)

And then he watched Yibo freestyle on stage, his body twisting and bending in ways Xiao Zhan had never been able to copy, no matter how many times he tried... _That boy can **move**._ Xiao Zhan wondered if he should bother to try to follow up on their interrupted conversation from that morning. And then he recalled how aloof Yibo seemed during their short interaction. He sighed. _Ah, let it go_.

It didn’t matter in the end. Yibo had some engagement after the taping and left soon after saying rushed goodbyes to the group. Well, maybe they’d run into each other again sometime. Although he felt sure Yibo wouldn’t remember he had even appeared on the show.

A week later, though, Xiao Zhan was surprised to find a a WeChat request from Wang Yibo. Curious, and, if he was honest with himself, a bit excited, he accepted it. 

It wasn't long before a series of messages appeared from Yibo:

_Yibo: Hi, this is Wang Yibo  
Yibo: I got your number from Da Zhangwei  
Yibo: Hope that’s OK  
Yibo: I’m sorry we didn’t get to finish our conversation at the taping the other day  
Yibo: Oh, and I’m wondering if you found a black watch in your bag  
Yibo: I haven’t been able to find it_

Xiao Zhan rummaged through his bag and sure enough, found an unfamiliar black watch at the bottom.

\-------------

Later that night, Xiao Zhan found himself in the lobby of Yibo’s apartment building. He’d assumed Yibo would just ask him to drop off the watch with security, and that would be that, but Yibo messaged to say he was on his way back from a photoshoot and asked him to wait up so he could thank him in person. Xiao Zhan was relieved he had dressed up -- but just a bit so he didn’t look like he was trying too hard.

He was still worrying about it when he heard the elevator ping and Yibo strode into the lobby, motorcycle helmet under his arm, wearing a black leather jacket and tight black jeans ripped at the knees. His hair was appealingly mussed, and he was still wearing makeup from his shoot. He looked... fantastic. Xiao Zhan took a deep breath and tried to put a normal expression on his face before Yibo spotted him.

He got a moment to collect himself when the security guard interrupted to let Yibo know that his food delivery had been dropped off. A minute later, Yibo turned to Xiao Zhan.

“Hey, thanks for coming out here to bring me the watch. I hope it wasn’t a lot of trouble.” There was a hint of a smile, but otherwise Yibo had the same “high cold” aura Xiao Zhan had seen in so many pictures and videos. Who was this kid? At the taping he seemed so shy and soft, and tonight he was giving off serious alpha vibes... Xiao Zhan was intrigued.

“Of course, it was no problem. Turns out I don’t live that far away. And it’s nice to have an opportunity to meet properly, since it was kind of crazy at the taping.”

“Oh yeah,” Yibo said with a breathy laugh, “it can get like that. I’m sorry about being so distracted when we met that first time.” He hefted the bags of food. “Have you eaten yet? It turns out I got a lot more food than I can eat on my own -- want to come up and hang for a bit, have a bite?”

A couple of hours later, they were yelling at each other -- or rather, at the TV screen as Yibo beat Xiao Zhan again in a video game. Yibo shoved his shoulder and laughed. “I win again!”

“Yeah, well, I’d never played this game before tonight, so it’s really an empty victory for you.”

“Whatever makes you feel better about being a _loser_.”

“Wang Yibo! Be a little nicer,” Xiao Zhan mock-gasped, then reached out and smacked Yibo across the arm while Yibo snickered at him.

“Want another beer?” He stood up to go to the kitchen.

“No, that’s alright, thanks.” Xiao Zhan already had a pleasant buzz going, and didn’t want to ruin a nice evening by getting sloppy drunk. “Thanks for inviting me up, by the way,” he called out to Yibo,”‘it’s been fun hanging out.”

Yibo rushed back into the room. “You don’t have to go already, do you?”

“No, no. I just wanted to say I’m having a good time.”

Yibo threw himself back down on the couch next to Xiao Zhan, handing him a glass of water. “Oh good -- me too. I’m ummm... I’m glad you were free.” He stretched an arm over the back of the couch, angling his body towards Xiao Zhan. “I’ve had a kind of crazy schedule and haven’t even been in town till today.”

“Yeah, this worked out for me too -- I’m actually leaving pretty soon to go on set for a drama. If you’d pinged me much later, you wouldn’t have gotten your watch back for months!” Xiao Zhan laughed and sipped his water.

“Wait, months?” Yibo’s face suddenly turned serious. “I mean... that’s really cool…”

He leaned in, asking earnestly about Xiao Zhan’s upcoming shoot. Despite being six years younger, Yibo had years more experience in the entertainment industry, and was also about to start shooting a drama of his own where he was playing the lead. Xiao Zhan, still new to the idol life, peppered him with questions and listened with interest as he talked about his experiences.

_He seems much older than his 19 years right now. More mature than I expected he’d be._

Xiao Zhan was also surprised that Yibo had a lot to say -- he wasn’t at all cold or distant, the way he seemed at first. They were both slouched on the couch, laughing and talking about various topics, and occasionally Yibo would say something outrageous, prompting Xiao Zhan to either cover his face in embarrassment or to playfully slap Yibo, who would happily return the gesture.

Xiao Zhan was still laughing hard after some ridiculous story Yibo shared from his early days with UNIQ when he noticed that Yibo had fallen silent and was just... staring at him.

“Did I say something wrong?” He patted his cheeks. “Is there something on my face?”

Yibo laughed softly and shook his head. “It’s... it’s nothing…”

“No, tell me! What did I do?”

“It was...” he started, then shook his head again. “It was nothing.” Yibo’s gaze was intense, slightly feral.

 _Was he always sitting this close?_ He looked so beautiful, with his porcelain skin and those obscene lips, full and pink with a touch of gloss. Xiao Zhan wondered what it would be like to kiss them. _No wait, he’s 19! What are you thinking?_ He blinked, realizing he had been staring at Yibo’s lips, and hastily took a gulp of water just to focus on something else. Water spilled over his chin and he groaned inwardly as he tried to dab it away.

 _Smooth, Xiao Zhan_.

He looked up and saw Yibo’s eyes were still locked on his, his expression unreadable. Xiao Zhan sat frozen in place, his thoughts racing as the moment stretched out uncomfortably. _Am I crazy? Is he coming on to me? I should go, I can’t get involved with anyone, let alone another idol, let alone Wang Yibo! Oh, get over yourself... isn’t this what idols do because we **can’t** have relationships? And oh my god, he looks so good right now… I..._

He was still arguing with himself when Yibo wordlessly lifted the glass of water out of Xiao Zhan’s hand and placed it on the table. Leaning forward, Yibo used his thumb to brush away a drop of water from Xiao Zhan’s bottom lip and trace the water trail down his throat. At his touch, Xiao Zhan’s eyes fluttered shut and his lips parted slightly with a sigh.

And then Yibo kissed him.

_Yes._

\-------------

They were lying next to each other on Yibo’s bed, sweaty and breathing hard. Xiao Zhan eyed Yibo, who was staring at the ceiling in a satisfied daze. He suddenly looked so young again, and the tingly, pleasant boneless sensation Xiao Zhan was feeling started to give way to panic.

 _He’s 19, he’s 19, he’s 19! Oh my god, what have I done? But he’s Wang Yibo -- I mean, look at him. Surely you’re not the first and you won’t be the last._ The silence in the room was getting unbearable, so Xiao Zhan turned, as he often did, to bad humor to try to break the tension.

“Is this your usual way of thanking guests for being on your show?”

Yibo glared at him, and for a moment Xiao Zhan worried he’d said the wrong thing. But Yibo’s expression quickly turned playful as he bared his teeth and brought a hand down on Xiao Zhan’s shoulder, hard. Smirking, he looked back up at the ceiling and said nothing.

_OK… I guess don’t ask, don’t tell. Maybe I should stop overthinking things and take this for what it is -- a hell of a lot of fun._

He rolled over and ran his fingers lightly down Yibo’s abs, provoking giggles and retaliatory slaps. Soon, they were tussling and falling into each other again, and there was no need for further talking.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> References:
> 
> Excerpts from the TTXS episode that was shot March 14, 2017. <https://www.bilibili.com/video/av61257060/>
> 
> Yibo was carrying Xiao Zhan’s bag in the field of flowers: <https://twitter.com/AnnieTabinas/status/1267095110782722049?s=20>
> 
> 2018 interview of Xiao Zhan describing his first impression of Yibo as "cold": <https://twitter.com/uniq5s/status/1154761279027810304?s=20>
> 
> Yibo performing EOEO: <https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hFv0oz3gIVM>  
> <https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gSekyqi3hLk>
> 
> UNIQ performed at the YAYA Planet Concert in Beijing on July 23, 2016. I have no idea whether Xiao Zhan went, but he’s a K-pop fan, so I like to think that he did. <https://aminoapps.com/c/k-pop/page/blog/uniq-updates-luizy-solo-debut-baby-ride-yaya-planet-concert-happy805day-uniq-in-brazil-and-more/mlIk_uN8geRz5E6nRzQZxJEBLlad53>
> 
> A clip from that concert: <https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G319zK-iHCk>
> 
> A 2018 interview where they talk about their memories of the 2017 _TTXS_ episode: <https://twitter.com/chiharuzushi/status/1148277095405170694?s=20>


	3. What Am I to You?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When Wang Yibo met Xiao Zhan...the story from Yibo's point of view

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I adore feedback from readers, so please leave comments if you have thoughts, questions, or just want to emote about the boys!
> 
> If you enjoyed this story, you might like this collection of other [short works](https://archiveofourown.org/series/1998622) that live in the same universe.

_**March 2020, Hengdian** _

Yibo was still lying on the hotel couch, clutching his phone and trying to stop the tears. He wasn’t sure what went wrong on that call, why Xiao Zhan had suddenly shut him out like that. 

This was the hardest thing about being apart as much as they were -- it was just too easy for simple misunderstandings to bloom into bigger problems. When they were together, they seemed to be effortlessly in sync, but when they couldn’t be with each other, words mattered a lot more, and that just wasn’t Yibo’s strongest suit. Although they’d gotten a lot better at communicating over the years, the last couple of weeks had been anything but normal.

Whenever Yibo felt off-balance or out of his element, he'd always been able to fall back on his preternatural physical gifts to get by -- if he couldn't dance or demonstrate some absurd skill as a diversionary tactic, he could always just jump on his skateboard and make a quick getaway. He was a man of action, more comfortable with doing than with talking. If only there was something he could do now to fix things for Xiao Zhan.

Being bold had worked for him before. After all, the very first time he met Xiao Zhan, it was his inability to find the words to talk to the man that led him to take desperate measures.

\-------------

_**March 2017, Changsha** _

Yibo had been killing time, scrolling through his Weibo during a break in taping when he heard someone approach and say “hi.” He looked up and his breath stopped in his chest. A beautiful boy in white was standing in front of him, looking at him with the most soulful eyes he’d ever seen, smiling a smile so dazzling that Yibo’s phone was jolted from his hands. 

_What just happened_? 

Yibo felt like his brain had shorted out, and now he could barely comprehend what the boy was saying to him. Even worse, he wasn’t sure whether he was responding with actual words, let alone sentences. Every time he felt he was getting his composure back, the boy would smile and Yibo's thoughts would be knocked offline again. 

Yibo had never felt so helpless.

The boy introduced himself as Xiao Zhan, and he was explaining that Yibo had been carrying his bag for the shoot, and he wanted it back. That was all. But Yibo desperately wanted it to be more than that. He couldn’t begin to explain why. He just knew he needed to get to know Xiao Zhan, and preferably when he could properly form words. 

Today was clearly not going to be that day. 

When he went to retrieve Xiao Zhan’s bag, he tried to think of something witty he could say when he gave it back to him. It felt like an eternity as he stood there, his hands fingering the straps on the bag, but nothing came to mind. Out of ideas, he impulsively took off his watch and buried it deep inside the bag, hoping it was his ticket to a second chance. He just needed to avoid making an utter fool of himself in the meantime.

Yibo was mortified to find he wasn’t functioning much better during the afternoon taping. Every time Xiao Zhan smiled, Yibo felt like he’d been hit with a taser. Did his smile have this effect on everyone, or was it just him? There had to be a reason why Xiao Zhan introduced himself as his band’s “electric generator,” right? 

Yibo barely made it through the taping. He found himself having to remind himself that he was a host and that he couldn't keep turning around to sneak looks at Xiao Zhan, but it was like his eyes were being drawn to him wherever he was. And then when Xiao Zhan came close to him on stage, his heart started to race and his hands trembled. He felt certain Xiao Zhan could see his anxiety, and this made him even more anxious, so by the end of the day he felt like such a wreck that he literally fled from the after-shoot reception rather than run the risk of embarrassing himself further.

Yibo was out of town for a week after the taping, but instead of feeling relief from the anxiety Xiao Zhan caused him, he had the unnerving sensation that a piece of himself was slipping away day by day. Like he was going to fall apart if he didn’t see Xiao Zhan again, and soon. But he knew he also had to get his head together so he wouldn’t screw things up. And that’s how he ended up doing some light stalking of Xiao Zhan online, on the theory that more exposure to his charms would keep Yibo from suffering from utter paralysis the next time they met. 

God bless these idol groups. It wasn't hard at all to find Xiao Zhan content. There were silly videos of Xiao Zhan clowning with his X Nine bandmates. Interviews and photoshoots. There was the entire _X-Fire_ competition to watch, too. And Xiao Zhan had recorded regular vlogs and posted often to Weibo.

Some evenings were completely derailed because he’d come across some video of Xiao Zhan gyrating his hips on stage with a wicked smile on his lips or photos of Xiao Zhan with those gorgeous eyes of his spilling over with desire. On those nights, Yibo ended up alone on his hotel bed, spent and a little ashamed of himself. He knew this wasn’t normal or healthy, but he just couldn’t stop.

Another day he discovered that he and Xiao Zhan had appeared in the same photo spread in GQ in January. _How did I miss this_? He remembered checking the issue for his own photo when it came out, laughing like a gremlin over his quote, "I don't mind that I look like a bad boy," and then tossing the magazine aside. But now there was Xiao Zhan, staring back at him with those eyes. 

_What kind of crazy coincidence was this?_

Later in the week, he came across a vlog that Xiao Zhan had posted after the taping. He was utterly adorable, happily recounting how much fun he’d had in the field of flowers. Yibo wanted to believe that he might have played a part in Xiao Zhan’s fond memories of the day, but when he thought about how tongue-tied and awkward he had been -- _oh god did I really drop my phone in front of him_? -- he thought it was more likely than not that Xiao Zhan would just remember him as a silly kid, if he remembered him at all. 

Maybe he could change that. He had to try, at least. He thought back to Xiao Zhan's quote in the GQ spread: "Just do it, be casual, and be free."

When he got back to Beijing, Yibo wrote, deleted, and rewrote WeChat messages to Xiao Zhan about his “missing” watch, hoping that he’d be game to meet up. Thankfully, Xiao Zhan was in town, he was free, and was happy to drop by his place. The stars were aligning -- Yibo even had a minor photoshoot right before. Not only would he look his best for Xiao Zhan, Yibo thought that playing a little dress-up would help him get out of his own skin for a bit, maybe come across as more confident than he actually felt. 

Yibo arranged for enough food for two to be delivered, and then crossed his fingers it would all work out.

And it did, better than he could have hoped. Xiao Zhan turned out to be kind, intelligent, funny, and interesting on top of being the most gorgeous man he’d ever seen in his life. The biggest shock was that, despite all of Yibo’s nervousness during the _TTXS_ taping, once he actually talked to Xiao Zhan, Yibo felt at ease around him. Oh, he still had crazy butterflies in his stomach every time he looked at him, but for once it was a kind of sweet anxiety, rather than the kind he experienced almost daily that made him clam up and want to retreat from everything.

They laughed through dinner, bickered over video games, and as they settled into conversation, Yibo searched his eyes for a sign, any sign that Yibo wasn’t alone in how he felt. _Please please please like me back_. After all, Xiao Zhan was there -- he could have just dropped off the watch and left, right? 

Yibo felt his heart skip a beat when Xiao Zhan mentioned that he was leaving to go to shoot a drama and would be gone for months. _Months_. He had tonight to make Xiao Zhan remember him, to like him, or maybe he'd never see him again.

Yibo was never known to be a talker, but Xiao Zhan seemed genuinely interested in what Yibo had to say. He would smile and meet his eyes, and so Yibo found himself talking more and more, hoping to coax more smiles out of Xiao Zhan. Attention, any attention at all was a gift, and he wanted more. But then Xiao Zhan burst out laughing at something Yibo said, and Yibo was stunned into silence by that amazing smile lighting up his face. Yibo just sat there and drank it in. 

Xiao Zhan noticed that Yibo’s eyes were fixed on his and stopped laughing, suddenly flustered. "Did I say something wrong?” 

Yibo's stomach fluttered as Xiao Zhan patted his own cheeks. It was devastatingly cute. Xiao Zhan's eyes were wide and questioning as he asked, “Is there something on my face?”

Yibo couldn't take his gaze off Xiao Zhan, but he worried that trying to explain why would just sound like a horrible pickup line. Being inarticulate was probably safer, he hoped. 

“It’s... it’s nothing…”

“No, tell me! What did I do?”

“It was...” Yibo started, wondering whether he could begin to describe the effect Xiao Zhan's smile had on him. He sighed and shook his head again. “It was nothing.”

Yibo smiled shyly, and then there it was, that sign he had been hoping to see. Xiao Zhan’s gaze trailed from Yibo’s eyes down to his lips and lingered there for a delicious moment. But then he seemed to catch himself, and Yibo felt a ping of delight when Xiao Zhan tried to take a nonchalant sip of water from the glass in his hand and spilled it on himself. 

_He’s nervous, too._

Yibo’s heart was pounding. _Now or never, now or never._ Xiao Zhan wasn’t talking anymore, wasn’t making any motion to move. He seemed to be... waiting. Another time, maybe Yibo would have chickened out, let the moment pass, and then cursed himself later. 

Not tonight. 

He didn't know how he had summoned the courage to do it, but Yibo felt himself moving in closer to take the glass of water out of Xiao Zhan’s hand and place it on the table. All the while, Xiao Zhan watched him with those beautiful doe eyes. 

Yibo looked down at a tiny mole just beneath Xiao Zhan’s lower lip and he longed to touch it, to claim it. He ran his thumb along Xiao Zhan’s lip, brushing away a bead of water, and then following a trail of water over the mole, his jawline, and down his throat. 

Time slowed down. 

Yibo moved his hand around to the back of Xiao Zhan’s neck, and as he did, Xiao Zhan’s eyes closed, his head tilted back ever so slightly over Yibo’s hand, and his lips parted with a soft sigh.

Yibo placed a soft kiss on the mole, then pressed his lips to Xiao Zhan’s, committing to memory the feel and taste of his mouth in case this was it, and he never got to kiss him again. _He’s leaving for months after this...I may not get another chance._ But then Xiao Zhan was kissing him back, his hands cupping Yibo’s face and pulling him in as he leaned back on the couch. 

\-------------

The next morning, Yibo woke up, and was momentarily stunned to find Xiao Zhan asleep beside him. _This has to be a dream, right?_ Images from their night together flashed in his head, and Yibo’s chest filled with emotion. He felt happy, unimaginably happy. 

He recalled Xiao Zhan’s offhand crack the night before about how Yibo must do this with all the guests from TTXS, and while he knew it was meant as a joke, it also bothered him at some level. 

_Does he actually think I’d sleep with just anyone? Does **he**_?

Yibo pushed these thoughts out of his head and gazed at Xiao Zhan’s sleeping form, admiring his long lashes, plum colored lips, his beautifully high cheekbones. His long, lean body. It seemed impossible that he was here, naked in Yibo’s bed. Yibo was still trying to get his head around it all when Xiao Zhan’s eyes opened and he gave Yibo a shy smile as he realized where he was.

“Good morning,” he murmured.

Yibo leaned in and kissed Xiao Zhan. “Good morning. Sleep well?”

“Not really,” Xiao Zhan replied with a playful smile, “thanks to you. I don’t have quite as much of your youthful energy.”

“Oh please, you had more than enough energy last night, as I remember,” he leered at him. “And you’re plenty youthful. I honestly thought you were my age when I first met you.”

Xiao Zhan laughed nervously. “Well I’m not... and oh god, now I’m feeling like a dirty old man…” He covered his face with his hands and turned away with a moan.

“Stop that.” Yibo pulled his hands off his face, rolling on top of him and pinning his wrists down. “You’re 25, hardly old, and I’m an adult. I know what I am doing, and…” he leaned in to nip at Xiao Zhan’s pouting lips, “I know what I want,” he said in a husky voice. He lowered his head to nuzzle Xiao Zhan’s neck and plant kisses along his collarbone.

Xiao Zhan sighed happily, rolling his head back. “Are we starting again?”

“If you have the energy for it,” Yibo smirked.

\-------------

Yibo had been away too long to have anything edible in his fridge, and he didn’t cook anyway, so they went out to a nearby cafe for what turned out to be an early lunch.

Yibo took out his phone. “Let’s follow each other on Weibo.”

“I don’t think that’s a good idea.”

“Why not? You’ll be away on set, I don’t know when we will be able to get together again, so…” He waved his phone at Xiao Zhan.

Xiao Zhan narrowed his eyes. “How would that look? Fans will see it, and ask questions.”

“We just taped a show together.”

“Then why just me and not the whole band? It’ll look suspicious…” Xiao Zhan leaned in to whisper in his ear, “like we’re sleeping together.” He gave Yibo a flirty look and sat back again.

Yibo gulped hard. _He makes me want to do reckless things._ “So let them wonder, I don’t care.”

“Well, I do. We can see each other on Weibo without following, and there’s always WeChat.” His eyes bored into Yibo, as if he was reading his thoughts. “No need to be reckless.”

Yibo pouted. “Fine.” He was suddenly ravenous, and stuffed an entire steamed bun in his mouth. “So,” he said, still chewing, “when can I see you again?”

“I’m in and around Beijing through the end of the month... getting ready for our concert in Shanghai at the start of April. I go on set after that. I... don’t expect to be back in town much, if at all, until maybe mid-September.” He looked up at Yibo and made an apologetic face.

Yibo frowned. “Oh. I leave town tomorrow... and I won’t be back until mid-April... probably after you’ve gone.”

Xiao Zhan smacked his shoulder. “Why did you bother to ask me when you’re the one leaving tomorrow?”

Yibo looked around the cafe and said in a low voice. “Because I need to see you again.” 

Xiao Zhan snorted and shot him an impish grin. “You just want to get laid again.”

“That too," Yibo breathed. "Tonight?”

Xiao Zhan smiled and thought for a moment. “Okay. Mind if I bring things over to make dinner? I have a fridge full of food I planned to cook before I left... you know, before I have to subsist for months on on-set catering.”

“I’m sure I’ll be hungry for whatever you bring.” He raised an eyebrow.

Xiao Zhan laughed and shook his head. “Shameless.”

\-------------

The next morning, Yibo found it so hard to tear himself away from Xiao Zhan. If Yibo thought he had fallen hard for Xiao Zhan from that first smile, he was a goner now. It wasn’t just the undeniable physical connection they had. Or the fact that Xiao Zhan was the most beautiful person he had ever laid eyes on. It was a feeling of comfort that he’d never felt with anyone else, ever. He felt like he could say or do anything, be himself. 

Oh, and the man cooked dinner for him, and it was fucking delicious. Yibo’s love of good food was the subject of countless fan-made videos, so the attractiveness of this skill could not be over-emphasized.

And to feel this way after only two nights with Xiao Zhan? Now that he’d had a taste of what it was like to be with him, just the thought of months of separation physically hurt. He wasn’t sure how he would get through it. 

_We can video chat_ , Xiao Zhan had told him, but the light way he said this gave Yibo the distinct sense that Xiao Zhan wasn’t in the same place as Yibo in all this. 

_Don’t be greedy, Yibo._ _Only a few days ago, he barely knew who you were. If you can’t be patient, you might drive him away._ But being patient wasn’t something Yibo was very good at.

It didn’t help that Xiao Zhan seemed to know exactly how to rile him up.

Yibo was on set for _TTXS_ the following morning, feeling mopey and trying to stay awake. He checked WeChat and found a message from Xiao Zhan.

_XZ: I posted something for you on Weibo. Miss me yet?_

He went to Xiao Zhan’s Weibo page and nearly choked up his coffee. Xiao Zhan had posted a series of selfies under the caption, “ _Top or bottom_?” 

He’d added two emojis, the first was a thinking face, and the second had hands covering its face, in the way Xiao Zhan did when he felt shy. He’d made this gesture more than once in bed with Yibo. Yibo groaned and slid to the floor, leaning his head back against the wall, his head suddenly swimming with the memory of how Xiao Zhan’s bare skin felt against his.

_Yibo: Shameless!_

_XZ: Who’s the shameless one? I was only asking which selfies you liked best, the ones on the top or the ones on the bottom! What were *you* thinking?_

Yibo grabbed some photos taken on set earlier in the day and put up his own Weibo post, a series of shots of him astride his motorcycle with the caption, “ _Feels too good...suddenly not sleepy_ ” and added smirking emojis. In case it wasn’t clear enough, he’d worked the character 下, meaning “bottom,” into his post.

_Yibo: Weibo post for you. Now you know what I’m thinking_.

Yibo felt giddy, sending naughty coded messages across Weibo like this, thrilled that Xiao Zhan was playing along. But he couldn’t stop himself from wanting more. 

What Yibo really wanted to know was: _what am I to you?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> References:
> 
> Yibo was carrying Xiao Zhan’s bag in the field of flowers: <https://twitter.com/AnnieTabinas/status/1267095110782722049?s=20>
> 
> A video cut of the TTXS episode that was shot March 14, 2017: <https://www.bilibili.com/video/av61257060/>
> 
> Amusing video of the effect Xiao Zhan’s smile has on Yibo, even two years later: <https://twitter.com/ZhanGeBoDi/status/1268085931598323712?s=20>
> 
> Playlist of Xiao Zhan's vlogs: <https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PL0ZoetkkvQwcZoVXWjgd-Xt9okJE77OV4>
> 
> Playlist of Xiao Zhan's appearances on "Teen Channel": <https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PL0ZoetkkvQwdhs5Wd9OYig9ETInTarzSL>
> 
> They appeared in the same GQ magazine spread in January 2017: <https://m.gq.com.cn/magazine/news_17443382672a3d13.html>
> 
> The vlogs that Xiao Zhan posted after the TTXS episode (March 19 and 26): <https://twitter.com/Ventus1821/status/1224909859704856576?s=20>
> 
> The 00:55 timestamp on Xiao Zhan's March 25, 2017 Weibo post is code for holding hands, as discussed on this TTXS episode: <https://twitter.com/Ventus1821/status/1215811302800547840?s=20>  
> With subs: [ https://untamedconnotations.tumblr.com/post/620205946946420736/some-people-also-pointed-out-that-both-of-them-are](https://untamedconnotations.tumblr.com/post/620205946946420736/some-people-also-pointed-out-that-both-of-them-are)
> 
> The necktie dance from Xiao Zhan’s XNINE concert in Shanghai on April 2, 2017. <https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bBQPh9UUd6A>  
> 


	4. Let Me Go

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Long distance relationships are hard.
> 
> OR: What goes on in an over-analyzing Libra's mind...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I adore feedback from readers, so please leave comments if you have thoughts, questions, or just want to emote about the boys!
> 
> If you enjoyed this story, you might like this collection of other [short works](https://archiveofourown.org/series/1998622) that live in the same universe.

_**March 2020, Beijing** _

Xiao Zhan woke up with a kind of emotional hangover. Most of the days were like this now, but this morning he felt particularly shitty because he knew he’d left things in a bad place with Yibo the night before. He found his phone on the floor and picked it up. Dead. He plugged it in and padded into the kitchen for a glass of water and to figure out what time it was.

11:20 am. Ugh, where did the morning go? Xiao Zhan sighed. Yibo would be getting ready to shoot his remote episode by now, so no point in trying to call until later.

He put some water on to brew tea, and stared into the fridge, looking for food that wasn’t there. With Yibo away, Xiao Zhan didn’t feel inspired to cook anything, and now that everything was blowing up, he hadn’t gotten around to ordering any groceries, couldn’t leave home, and didn’t want to bother his staff about it either. It didn’t matter, anyway -- he didn’t have much of an appetite these days.

In his head, he could hear Yibo’s voice, nagging him to eat, the way he did when they were shooting _Chen Qing Ling_ and Xiao Zhan was nearly delirious half the time from hunger but was determined to lose weight to look his best in the many-layered period costumes.

“Fine, fine, I’ll eat,” he muttered to the empty kitchen. 

Ten minutes later he had his instant ramen and green tea, and was staring off into space.

His thoughts went to his video chat with Yibo the night before. He was still feeling like crap about it. _Why did I shut Yibo out like that?_ He hadn’t tried to keep his true feelings from Yibo since…

\-------------

_**May 2017, Shangri-La** _

He was on the set of _The Wolf._ Although it wasn’t the lead role, Xiao Zhan loved the character of Ji Chong, and was excited about the opportunity to bring him to life. It wasn’t in his nature to slack on _any_ job he took, but he felt like Ji Chong was the role that could really get him noticed as a serious actor, so he was going to throw himself into it completely.

He was already 25, which was old to be trying to break into the entertainment industry in China. When he debuted with X Nine the previous year, he was the oldest member, and felt his age acutely. If he couldn’t find success in the next five years, then he probably wasn’t going to, and in all likelihood, he’d have to go back to Chongqing, marry some nice girl, maybe be a graphic designer again. It would be a perfectly adequate life, but not one he actually wanted. 

_Not anymore_.

Given the stakes, Xiao Zhan was plagued with existential stress on set. Forgetting his lines or not being able to shed tears on command felt like so much more than just a momentary hiccup, and threatened to cling to him like weights that would eventually drag him under. At night, he took extra acting classes, and then he would collapse into bed and sometimes cry himself to sleep, wondering whether he was fooling himself by thinking he could make it as an actor.

Xiao Zhan hadn’t expected Yibo to be there to offer encouragement and emotional support. He couldn’t physically be there, of course -- Xiao Zhan’s filming location was so remote that it was unreasonable to expect him or anyone else to visit. But most days he would exchange messages with Yibo and they’d video chat when they could. 

_XZ: What is this that you sent me?_

_Yibo: They’re eyedrops. You mentioned your eyes were hurting on location_

_Yibo: I asked around and got some recommendations for some drops that could help_

_Yibo: One for redness, one for dryness...something for the swelling...there are a few you can try_

_XZ: I can’t believe you did this! So thoughtful. Thank you_

_XZ: If my eyes weren’t so swollen right now, I would cry out of gratitude_

_Yibo: I just hope it helps. Sounds like you’ve been having a hard time_

Given that they’d had so little time together before Xiao Zhan left, he hadn’t really taken Yibo's insistence that they stay in touch very seriously. He figured he’d be out of sight, and out of Yibo’s mind, and that would be the end of... whatever this was. Instead, Yibo was attentive and caring, and Xiao Zhan didn’t know what to think or feel about it. 

_This is Wang Yibo. Why the hell would Wang Yibo be interested in carrying on a relationship with me?_ Surely a famous idol like Yibo would have other options, some shinier toy to chase after.

It wasn’t that he _wanted_ to be forgotten. Not at all. He genuinely liked Yibo, and under different circumstances, he’d be eager to spend more time with him to see how things developed. Instead, Xiao Zhan was far away, desperate to prove himself on _The Wolf_ \-- and so he reminded himself that having _any_ relationship right now wasn’t what he planned on or even wanted.

Anyway, they would be apart for months. How was this supposed to work? 

But Yibo wouldn’t let Xiao Zhan go that easily.

\-------------

“Hey, Happy 520,” Yibo beamed through the screen when he answered the video call. It was May 20th, China’s version of Valentine’s Day.

Xiao Zhan froze for a moment. _Oh, we’re doing this?_ Recovering quickly, he smiled broadly in return, flashing “5, “2,” and “0” with his fingers and giving Yibo a finger heart. “Happy 520, Yibo.” He paused, and held up a hand and showed “5,” “1,” and “8,” while murmuring, “Wang. Yi. Bo.” He smiled softly at him.

“Did you... did you get what I sent?”

 _Shit._ “You sent me something? I - I haven’t seen any delivery yet -- you are too sweet!” He groaned and covered his face with his hands. “I feel terrible -- I didn’t send you anything. I’m so sorry!”

Yibo looked disappointed for a moment, but replied, “It’s okay. I know you’ve been under a lot of stress. I just wanted you to know... I was thinking about you.”

The truth was that Xiao Zhan spent a lot of time thinking about Yibo too, at night when he should have been sleeping or reviewing his lines for the next day. He wasn’t sure why it was so hard for him to admit it to Yibo -- or to himself. Giving in to his intense physical attraction to Yibo the way he had definitely complicated things. _Am I yearning for Yibo, or just feeling horny?_

Xiao Zhan was not at all the type to have a one-night -- or two-night -- stand with anyone. He was normally so controlled, so careful about his choices in life. And then he slept with a 19-year old male idol that he’d basically just met. _What the fuck was I thinking?_

_XZ: Nice pictures on Weibo. A little derivative, though_

_Yibo: I have no idea what you’re talking about. We don’t follow each other on Weibo, remember?_

\-------------

Yibo was undeniably attractive, but so were a lot of other idols. Xiao Zhan had rebuffed plenty of advances in the last couple of years, not only out of fear of derailing his new career path, but also because he hadn’t met anyone who caught his attention. 

There was just something different about Yibo, though. Xiao Zhan felt himself wanting to figure Yibo out, like a puzzle. Yibo had this endearing youthful energy, but also the aura of an old soul. He could be so domineering, so _alpha_ , but also look confident and incredibly sexy in makeup and feminine clothing. He could be blunt and cold one moment, and soft and sweet the next. He was so _interesting_ and unpredictable. 

And he was threatening to upend Xiao Zhan’s careful plans.

_[XZ: "六一“快乐! ("Happy Children's Day!")_

_YB: 不过六一 (I don't celebrate Children's Day)]_

_XZ: Weibo post just for you. Happy Children’s Day, Yibo!_

_Yibo: Fuck you._

\-------------

And then there was the fact that Yibo set off Xiao Zhan’s “competence kink” -- was there anything Yibo couldn’t master if he just gave it a try? He danced, he acted, he sang, he rapped, he skateboarded, he was a variety show host -- he raced motorcycles, for god’s sake. _Who does all these things?_

For a guy like Xiao Zhan, a perfectionist who prided himself on working hard to be the best at everything he tried, Yibo’s insatiable appetite for learning and mastering new skills was incredibly hot. Whenever he had a chance to watch _Tian Tian Xiang Shang_ , he would find himself laughing in amazement at all the random things Yibo was called on to demonstrate, and how often he ended up killing it within minutes. 

And he was only 19 -- he could only get more accomplished.

 _But oh god._ _He’s 19._ _He’s a_ ** _he_** _._ _Wasn’t this all a huge mistake?_ _What would it look like if this got out?_ Xiao Zhan was desperate to succeed as an actor. Something like this going public could end his career before it got started. He thought about his parents. They only barely tolerated his decision to leave Chongqing to try to break into entertainment. How many more ways could he disappoint them?

“Do your parents know?”

Xiao Zhan shook his head. “At least, I don’t think so. _Maybe_ they have an idea, since I ran off to join the circus instead of staying home and getting married like they wanted. But I think they still expect I’ll come back to give them grandkids after I get this out of my system.” He rolled his eyes and huffed out a laugh.

“You would do that? After... you...” Yibo stammered and looked incredulous.

“Who knows? We’re all only children, right? Can’t ignore filial duty and all that…” He sighed, thinking about how often his parents would remind him of all the sacrifices they’d made for him. He couldn’t really blame them. “If I can’t find success as an actor…” He stopped himself. “Ah, I don’t want to jinx myself by speculating about it.”

Xiao Zhan studied Yibo’s face through the screen. _Is he judging me? It would be nice to be 19 again and not have to worry about these things._

\-------------

Halfway through the summer, Yibo was still a regular presence in Xiao Zhan’s life. They talked as often as their shoot schedules allowed -- and there seemed to be no end to the different things they could discuss. 

Sometimes they would share stories from their shoots, or talk about some new song or video game. Or compare notes on what it had been like when they were each preparing to debut with their bands. 

If Xiao Zhan didn’t have time to watch _Tian Tian Xiang Shang_ , Yibo would tell him about some new food he tried, an interesting guest he met, or something he had learned. Yibo Time was becoming his favorite time when he could spare it -- a chance to get out of his head and shake off the day’s stresses with someone he found fascinating.

But Xiao Zhan couldn’t quiet the voice in his head that kept telling him that someone as dynamic as Yibo, who so voraciously chased new experiences, would inevitably get bored and move on, especially since Xiao Zhan was so absent -- physically and, too often, emotionally. Yibo was a bigger star, he surely had other options, and he was _so young_. 

And of course, he couldn’t forget, they were both men.

“We had Fan Bingbing and Li Chen on our last show...that was pretty cool.”

“Ah, China’s power couple!" Xiao Zhan exclaimed. "What a great love story -- they met on the set of _The Empress of China_ , right?”

“Mn. I was actually in _MBA Partners_ with Li Chen last year... we uhhhhh played romantic rivals for the same girl, if you can believe that...” He smiled shyly.

Xiao Zhan hooted at this. “Wait, really? He’s got to be twice your age!”

Yibo laughed. “I think so. And then I was so embarrassed because he pointed out that I had a kiss scene in that movie, so of course they had to play a clip. So awkward!”

Xiao Zhan laughed along with Yibo, but felt a twinge of jealousy at the idea of Yibo kissing a girl on film. _Oh come on, you can’t get upset about this -- these stupid kisses are a staple of Chinese cinema. You’ve had to do them too._ He cleared his throat, eager to move on. 

“So... did Bingbing or Li Chen share anything interesting?”

“Oh, yeah -- Bingbing was telling us about how _she_ was the one who made the first move to ask him out. It came out during a game show segment to test their tacit agreement. The audience went wild.”

“I love it! Go Bingbing! But isn’t it kind of sad that people still find that so unusual? That people are so rigid about gender roles?”

Yibo shrugged. “Things are changing.”

_Not fast enough._

It was hard for Xiao Zhan to imagine what kind of future they could have. They certainly couldn’t go onto _Tian Tian Xiang Shang_ someday and get quizzed on _their_ tacit understanding as a couple. He couldn’t think of an example of male celebrities in China being in a relationship with one another -- well, no good one, anyway, as Xiao Zhan recalled how Hong Kong screen star Leslie Cheung killed himself, leaving behind a grieving partner. 

But even if they kept their relationship private, being a successful male celebrity in China often meant being willing to encourage fans to fantasize about CPs, or relationships, with any eligible female celebrity. That would be hard to bear.

There were just so many reasons why letting Yibo in would just end up in heartache. For both of them. So he tried to hold Yibo off at what he thought would be a safe emotional distance.

_Yibo: Another selfie for you._

_Yibo: ?_

_Yibo: Hey, I haven’t heard from you in awhile... are you okay?_

\-------------

As the months went on, it became harder and harder for Xiao Zhan to wall Yibo out. Xiao Zhan looked forward to the chance to see Yibo’s smile and hear his voice in their video chats. _Oh, that voice._ It was one of the things he loved most about their nighttime calls, just listening to his voice when they were both tired and talking about nothing. Xiao Zhan would let the sound of Yibo’s voice wash over him, soft, low, and husky, as if Yibo were tucking him in for the night. 

_I could listen to this voice every night for the rest of my life._

“I’m sending you an early promo shot from my drama... What do you think?”

“Wow, so handsome!” Yibo sighed into the phone. 

“Not as handsome as you.”

“Bullshit,” Yibo retorted. He sighed again, giving Xiao Zhan a pout. “I’m really missing you. This summer has been endless.”

“You’re so cute. I’ll be home soon... ish. September isn’t that far away now.”

“Do you... do you miss me?” Yibo’s usually intense gaze flickered with vulnerability.

Xiao Zhan felt his heart melt a little. _So, so much, Yibo. Even though I know it would be easier if I didn’t._ Xiao Zhan wondered if he was doing Yibo any favors by allowing him to feel that they had a future when Xiao Zhan had so many doubts about himself, Yibo’s youth, and the public's ability to accept a relationship like theirs. Maybe it would be better in the long run if he gave him an out.

Even so, he wanted to give Yibo the reassurance he was clearly looking for, but what came out of his mouth instead was, “What kind of a question is that?” Although he said it fondly, with a soft smile, it was clear from Yibo’s face that it wasn’t what he wanted to hear.

\-------------

For the ninth anniversary of _Tian Tian Xiang Shang_ , Xiao Zhan posted a congratulatory Weibo message to the show -- a kind of “thank you” to the show that had brought Yibo into his life only months ago. He didn’t say this directly, of course. Even if there were plenty of people in the entertainment industry who were tolerant, Xiao Zhan wasn’t ready to have anyone else know that he was involved with Yibo.

After dinner, Xiao Zhan checked Weibo and laughed when he saw that Yibo’s post almost mirrored his own. He was about to message him when he noticed that the official _TTXS_ account had commented on Xiao Zhan’s anniversary post. 

His mouth went dry. He fired off a few messages to Yibo.

 _XZ: Yibo. What is this?_ _“Thank you charming Zhan Zhan, full of magnetism, someone in our group has already become a big fan of yours”??_

_XZ: The show’s account posted this comment to my Weibo post. Did you tell your co-hosts about us?_

_XZ: Call me_

\-------------

It was late when Xiao Zhan’s phone rang. He answered and Yibo’s face appeared, his expression a mixture of apprehension and something like defiance.

“You wanted me to call?” Yibo’s voice was flat.

Xiao Zhan didn’t want a fight, so he tried to keep his voice calm. “Did you tell your co-hosts about us?”

“No.”

“Then what is this? I assume they’re talking about you -- I can’t imagine Wang Han is fangirling over me.”

“I don’t know.”

“Bullshit. Have they seen our messages? Overheard our calls?”

“No... I - I don’t know,” he stammered. “Maybe they’re - they’re just guessing because I asked Da Laoshi for your WeChat that one time?” He chewed on his lips. “Why - why are you so upset? It’s one harmless comment.”

“It’s not a harmless comment! It’s a _public_ comment, and you know damn well I don’t want people to know about us!”

As soon as these words left Xiao Zhan’s lips, it was like a dam broke inside of Yibo, and months’ worth of pent-up anxiety and frustration burst forth.

“Yeah, I know,” he said acidly. “You don’t want anyone to know about us. Because it might screw up your clean-cut image for people to know that you’re - you’re fucking around with Wang Yibo. You’re happy to have my support and encouragement and - and love -- yes, _love_ \-- as long as I stay in the - the - shadows and I don’t threaten you being able to have a - a respectable career as China’s leading man and a life with a - a - a _nice girl_ some day --”

“Yibo --”

“NO!” Yibo thundered. “No, Xiao Zhan! _I_ get to talk. You - you - you have to listen to _me_ for once!”

Xiao Zhan was stunned into silence. Yibo had never before raised his voice like this to him.

Yibo took a deep breath, and went on, more sad than angry now: “I love you. But you - you don’t love me back, and I can’t do this anymore. I can’t do this knowing that you’re just waiting for s-someone else, a more _socially acceptable_ person. Someone you can go public with, walk the red carpet with, or - or marry, or have a family with, or - or whatever. I can’t be that person for you, or at least you’ve decided that I can’t, and I can’t... I can’t…” He sighed. “I just can’t do this anymore. It hurts too much.”

He bit down on his lips, looked away, and finally said, “Don’t call me again.”

And then he ended the call.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> References:
> 
> 520 is May 20, or the Chinese equivalent of Valentine’s Day. This is because 520 can be read as wǔ èr líng, which is a rough homophone for wǒ ài nǐ, or “I love you.” Here’s a primer on kadian, a kind of number code that is popular in China: <https://www.yellowbridge.com/chinese/pagercodes.php>
> 
> An interesting interview of Xiao Zhan, which, among other things, mentions that he stayed on the set for _The Wolf_ and didn’t leave for almost the entire shoot. <https://xzhan1005.wordpress.com/2020/04/10/portrait-with-xiaozhan/>
> 
> Yibo is ridiculously talented in all things physical: <https://twitter.com/taheta_/status/1286262659210309632?s=20>
> 
> Fan Bingbing and Li Chen’s appearance on TTXS: <https://www.8days.sg/sceneandheard/entertainment/fan-bingbing-made-the-first-move-on-li-chen-9018366>
> 
> The sad story of Leslie Cheung: <https://www.todayonline.com/8days/sceneandheard/entertainment/leslie-cheungs-boyfriend-still-misses-him-16-years-after-hongkong>
> 
> Yibo and Xiao Zhan got tested on their tacit agreement on the July 28, 2019 episode of TTXS (starting at 27:45): [https://m.mgtv.com/b/327225/6096848.html?t=videoshare&tc=jXKKosRPSAN7&dc=0B6CB416-35AA-458E-9022-0BB24F474567](https://m.mgtv.com/b/327225/6096848.html?t=videoshare&tc=jXKKosRPSAN7&dc=0B6CB416-35AA-458E-9022-0BB24F474567)
> 
> Video of Yibo reading an excerpt from _The Little Prince_. Who wouldn’t want him reading them a bedtime story every night? <https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4OLyV57sgwk>
> 
> A fan-made documentary that covers the March 2017 TTXS episode and also mentions the TTXS comment on Xiao Zhan’s Ninth Anniversary Weibo post to TTXS: [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i1rO2pKNMTg&t=641s](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i1rO2pKNMTg&t=641s)


	5. Nanhai

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yibo struggles with being apart from Xiao Zhan, and with their breakup.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I adore feedback from readers, so please leave comments if you have thoughts, questions, or just want to emote about the boys!
> 
> If you enjoyed this story, you might like this collection of other [short works](https://archiveofourown.org/series/1998622) that live in the same universe.

_**March 2020, Hengdian** _

Yibo peeled his eyes open and groaned. He’d fallen asleep on the hotel room couch and now his neck and back were stiff and achy. He checked his phone. 9:15 am. No messages or missed calls from Xiao Zhan, but he knew that he’d been waking up later and later these days. Yibo had a couple of hours before he needed to get on a call with his _TTXS_ brothers for the remote episode, and really didn’t want to leave things unresolved all day, so he tried calling Xiao Zhan. 

_Sigh. Straight to voicemail._

Xiao Zhan was always letting his phone battery drain to alarmingly low levels, so Yibo assumed his phone was just dead. But the possibility that Xiao Zhan actually didn’t want to talk to him nagged at him.

After nearly three years together, he really should have been beyond having doubts about Xiao Zhan. He was the most thorough person Yibo had ever met, and he marveled at how he would analyze things from every angle and run every possibility to ground. Yibo was more intuitive, and had a tendency to make snap decisions — so naturally, watching Xiao Zhan turn things over and over in his mind drove him bonkers sometimes.

But he also found it reassuring. If Xiao Zhan concluded that, despite everything, he loved Yibo and was committed to being with him, then there wasn’t anything in the world that Yibo could trust in more. He just needed to give the man time to think.

It was something Yibo didn’t understand about Xiao Zhan when they first got involved.

Sometimes they’d lie in bed at home late at night and reminisce about their early days. Once, they argued about whether falling into bed together that first night had been a mistake or not. It wasn't really an argument -- it was hard to regret a night like that. But it had made their relationship seem more substantial than it really was that summer. Even though they knew, at some level, that there was _something_ _real_ there, they also barely knew each other when they parted, didn’t know how to talk to each other -- and it led to all kinds of misunderstandings and hurt feelings. Mostly Yibo’s. 

On the other hand, would they have made it through that long separation without having jumped into the deep end the way they had? It was impossible to say now.

Oh wait, they didn’t _quite_ make it through the summer, did they? Even with the distance of time, Yibo’s eyes welled up at the memory.

\-------------

_**May 2017, Changsha** _

Yibo’s _Tian Tian Xiang Shang_ brothers would not leave him alone. Da Laoshi, in particular, had been teasing him ever since the episode when X Nine had been guests. Yibo didn’t know if Da Laoshi had picked up on his nervousness around Xiao Zhan or what, but when Yibo asked him to get Xiao Zhan’s WeChat number for him, that seemed to confirm something in Da Laoshi’s mind, and now the ribbing would not stop.

Everything seemed to be a trigger. Like when he had turned to Han-ge for suggestions for eye drops, and Da Laoshi had swooped in. “Is it _your_ eyes that are having issues, or perhaps it’s someone else’s beautiful eyes you want to take care of?”

Yibo was just too honest to tell Da Laoshi that he had it all wrong, so pretty soon the rest of the hosts seemed to be in on the fun, calling attention to Yibo whenever his phone pinged and he rushed to check it, or worse, doing things like calling out, “Xiao Zhan-ah! Nice to see you!” just to watch Yibo’s reaction.

The hazing continued on air.

For the episode that _TTXS_ shot for 520, the guests and hosts were all asked to write on the topic of “taste of first love.” Yibo was dutifully writing when Han-ge suddenly offered that “the most focused is Wang Yibo.” Yibo whipped his head up, surprised to be singled out. Han-ge went on: “... because he’s in the process right now.” 

The audience began to scream, and Yibo turned a deep shade of red but couldn’t help but smile and laugh, because it was true. It _had_ to be if they all saw it. Inside, though, he worried about everyone knowing that he was in love with someone -- he knew that Xiao Zhan didn’t want anyone to know that they were involved in _any_ way, and if people started trying to find out who Yibo had fallen in love with, maybe he would end... whatever it was they were doing. So he wrote, “I’m still too young, let me listen to what the other big brothers have to say.” 

Yibo felt that what he wrote was true, since he was honestly confused about what he was feeling for Xiao Zhan, but Da Laoshi had scoffed, “Write your own feelings, don’t bullshit.” And then one of the guest hosts mocked him for his demurral. Yibo was mortified, and there was nothing he could do because the cameras were rolling. Were people actually expecting him to describe _on air_ what he was going through? When he barely understood it himself? _God I hope Xiao Zhan is too busy to watch this episode._

He wished he had someone he could ask for advice. He would never hear the end of it if he _actually_ talked to his _TTXS_ brothers about Xiao Zhan, and he certainly couldn’t talk to Xiao Zhan about it. He felt sure that confessing his real feelings would just scare the man off.

That was his assumption, anyway -- he found that he was afraid to ask the “so what are we doing” question because he wasn’t sure he’d like the answer. Yibo definitely considered himself committed to Xiao Zhan -- he no longer had any interest in dating anyone else. But he couldn’t tell if Xiao Zhan felt the same way. If anything, he feared that Xiao Zhan wanted to keep his options open, maybe to date a girl if his parents or his career required it. Having to keep everything secret just fed into his insecurities, even though he understood why they couldn’t tell anyone.

Still, when 520 rolled around, Yibo was excited. He’d noticed that Xiao Zhan’s Weibo featured a tiny image of a prince tending a single rose, so he’d arranged to have a single red rose sent to him. He didn’t want to overdo it, but hoped Xiao Zhan would still find it meaningful.

When they spoke later that day, though, Yibo realized that Xiao Zhan hadn’t thought to do anything for him for 520. Sure, he wished him a happy 520 and gave him a finger heart, but it felt generic, like the kind of thing he'd do for his fans. And honestly, he saw that Xiao Zhan had posted a long vlog to his own fans for 520, so what did that mean if he hadn’t done anything special for him?

It wasn't that Xiao Zhan wasn't sweet to him -- he was. So sweet. Yibo tried to remind himself to be patient, but being apart like this was driving him a little crazy. He couldn’t stop himself from obsessing over everything the man did. 

Naturally, Yibo especially cherished the small public hints Xiao Zhan would sometimes slip out.

_XZ: Hey -- I posted a vlog_

_XZ: Start listening at 1:58_

_XZ: Sorry it doesn’t kadian Wang Yibo but I didn’t want to talk that long!_

_XZ: So it’s Yi Wang Bo instead_

_XZ: I tried_

Yibo shook his head at all the _kadian_ nonsense, but pulled up Xiao Zhan’s Weibo and found the vlog. During the first part, Xiao Zhan congratulated his bandmates for their college exam results. Yibo sighed as he took in Xiao Zhan's soft smile. _So handsome._

At 1:58, Xiao Zhan changed subjects, saying, “I’ve been listening to a song. An old song. _Kepler_ , from Stefanie. I will think of you when reading the lyrics. I feel that…mn.” He smiled shyly and recited, “Twinkle twinkle, bright and sparkling, like your... body.” He said this last word with a flirty little lilt that Yibo felt in his stomach. “Hidden amongst the many lone stars, I still can find you.” 

Xiao Zhan nodded, smiling sweetly as he looked around before saying: “Due to the filming schedule... a long process... I can’t meet you for the moment. But it’s worth the wait.”

_He’s worth the wait._ That night, Yibo played and replayed the video until he fell asleep.

\-------------

_XZ: Hey I got the hat you sent_

_XZ: Getting into kadian now?_

_XZ: Got caught wearing it_

Yibo's heart skipped a beat as he looked at the pictures Xiao Zhan sent. One had been posted to Weibo by Xiao Zhan's co-star on _The Wolf_ and the other looked like a paparazzi shot. Yibo was frankly surprised Xiao Zhan actually wore the hat in public where he could be photographed in it. _He just likes the hat... it doesn’t mean anything more than that, does it?_

Other people knew _kadian_ and the "yi ba" in the logo wasn't exactly subtle. It gave Yibo a little thrill at the idea that fans might see the photos and make the connection. On the other hand, why would they? It's not like anyone had seen them together outside of _Tian Tian Xiang Shang_ , where they didn't even interact. Anyway, shouldn't it have been enough that they were talking regularly? That Xiao Zhan made time for him? He didn't need to have Xiao Zhan out there throwing hints to feel secure.

Did he? 

\-------------

All summer, Yibo could see that Xiao Zhan’s worries about his performance for _The Wolf_ were sometimes crippling. And he was still appearing and performing for X Nine. Even though this meant that Xiao Zhan often had precious little emotional energy to spare for Yibo, Yibo felt himself falling more deeply in love with him. 

Yibo liked how it felt to be there for Xiao Zhan when he was feeling stressed or discouraged, and he also found watching Xiao Zhan’s dogged determination to succeed immensely inspirational. He’d never seen anyone fight so hard to overcome a challenge, and it just made him adore him even more.

But as his obsession grew, Yibo’s mental catalog of evidence that Xiao Zhan didn’t share his feelings increased day by day, creating a nasty feedback loop as Yibo’s insecurities multiplied. Every time Xiao Zhan failed to call or text back, every time he was silent when Yibo said he missed him, every time he reminded Yibo that no one could know about them, every time he seemed tired or distant, every time he sighed while mentioning some friend who’d gotten married or had a new baby… 

After awhile, Yibo saw signs everywhere that Xiao Zhan was just toying with him, waiting for something better to come along.

He knew he wasn't being fair to Xiao Zhan. He knew he should cherish what they had. But Yibo had fallen so hard for Xiao Zhan that he couldn't think rationally about him anymore. 

So when Xiao Zhan got upset about the official _TTXS_ Weibo account comment that suggested that everyone knew about Yibo’s crush, and accused him of being indiscreet, Yibo just lost it. Everything came out all at once: anger, frustration, deep sadness, a love confession, and a dramatic final exit.

As soon as he had hung up on Xiao Zhan, he regretted it. He realized he had overreacted, but he half-hoped Xiao Zhan would take his outburst as a wake-up call, and that he’d come right back with a confession. 

Instead, the next day, Yibo got a delivery. It was a single red rose, with a simple card. It read:

Happy birthday, Little Prince.

“I’ve been silly. I ask your forgiveness. Try to be happy.”

\-- IX

_Hell of a birthday present. Didn’t even get his initials right._

He didn’t hear from Xiao Zhan again after that. 

The only thing holding Yibo together in the weeks that followed were his feelings of self-righteous anger with Xiao Zhan. _Clearly, he never really cared. Screw him._ If he could stay angry with him, maybe he could keep his heart from shattering.

In the meantime, he had plenty of work to occupy his mind. Yibo was working on recording the theme song for the movie _Second Time First Love_ with Guan Xiaotong, an actress he’d met when she was a guest on _TTXS_ back in February. Yibo laughed when he recalled how hard his _TTXS_ brothers tried to matchmake them. _Obviously, not my type_. But they had stayed friends. It was actually Guan Xiaotong’s idea that they collaborate.

“Why me?”

“Listen, you know Lu Han, right?”

“Sure, he’s with EXO.”

She smiled. “Well, I like him. And I want to get his attention. So maybe if you and I do this theme song together, we can also do a music video... something all lovey-dovey… I’m kind of hoping it’ll inspire him to hurry up and confess.” She giggled.

The gears started turning in Yibo’s head. _Who else might drink vinegar over a video like that?_ He laughed. “Okay, I’m game.”

At the end of August, they released their music video, and the gossip rags predictably started reporting that Wang Yibo had a girlfriend, a sweet and beautiful screen star the same age as he was. The internet couldn’t get enough of it. And it worked... for Guan Xiaotong. She happily confided in Yibo that Lu Han had called her and that they had started dating quietly, seeing where things would go. Her happiness filled Yibo with hope that maybe things would work out for him too.

And so Yibo waited. 

But Xiao Zhan didn’t call.

\-------------

September finally arrived, and Yibo saw from Xiao Zhan’s Weibo posts that he had wrapped _The Wolf_ and was back in Beijing, on set for a different drama. And yet, he still hadn’t contacted Yibo. Now Yibo really started to grieve. He knew he hadn’t really meant it when he told Xiao Zhan never to call him again, but the fact that he actually didn’t _had_ to mean that there had never been a future for them after all, right?

The feelings of loss began to consume him. He missed his video chats with Xiao Zhan, when he could look into his eyes, feel the sweet ache in his chest when Xiao Zhan smiled at him. And he missed how easy it was to be himself with him. 

Although he tried to hide his sadness as much as he could when he was working, when he was home, he’d lie in bed listening to bitter love songs. The one he kept coming back to over and over was one he’d first heard the day after he last saw Xiao Zhan. 

Now he couldn’t get the song, _Nanhai,_ out of his head, even as the lyrics evoked so much sadness that he felt he was drowning in it. _Nanhai_ told the story of a boy losing out to another lover, one who could offer a better future. Although it was painful for Yibo to be reminded that he could never have offered Xiao Zhan that ideal future -- a “normal” life -- perhaps knowing that there was nothing he could have done differently would help ease the pain of loss.

_Once upon a time, he fell in love by chance_

_During an innocent, carefree time_

_Having experienced all the sweetness of love_

_He held tightly to it with both hands_

_He held on hope for the future_

_I can’t forget your love_

_But I can’t change the ending_

_I wasn’t able to make you stay_

_I couldn’t be like him and give you a happy future_

_Childish boy_

_…._

_I miss you right now_

_I miss you when I am lost_

_All my past regrets are not the future_

_Loving someone means not being able to avoid pain_

_No need to repeat this story again_

_Now I just want the pain to be over with quickly_

_Because we can’t start over again_

\-------------

On October 8, Lu Han announced on Weibo that Guan Xiaotong was his girlfriend, putting an end to weeks of public speculation about an affair between her and Yibo. It also put an end to Yibo’s wild fantasies of Xiao Zhan showing up at his door in a jealous fit to declare his love. Yibo felt empty, hollowed out by the realization that Xiao Zhan was probably lost to him for good.

A few days later, though, Yibo was at home getting ready to go to Croatia for a _TTXS_ shoot when he checked Weibo and saw that Xiao Zhan had posted. He’d actually updated the day after Lu Han’s post, but Yibo had missed it because he had decided it was healthier for him to stop stalking Xiao Zhan’s page.

The post was nothing like the posts he’d seen from Xiao Zhan before. It was dark, colorless, and melancholy. He barely recognized Xiao Zhan. Yibo read the caption: “My heart is lying. I’m going crazy. If there is no moon, those days are alright.” Yibo stared at the lines, his heart beating so hard that his ears started to ring. 

_Is he posting this for me?_

Yibo knew the song he was quoting, _Who Will Cut the Moonlight_ , since it had come out recently. He actually had it in his lineup of depressing love songs to listen to. Yibo put it on repeat, tearing up at the lament of lost love, the feelings of regret and longing. Then he cued up the lines that Xiao Zhan had quoted, and played them again and again, trying to understand why Xiao Zhan had singled out these words. 

As he did this for the 4th or 5th time, he noticed that the lines Xiao Zhan quoted played from 2:08 to 2:18. 208 and 218. _Kadian?_

_208... er ling ba... ai ni Bo... Love You Bo._

_218... er yi ba... ai Yi Bo... Love Yibo._

Yibo froze. Was this a confession? Or just a crazy coincidence? He looked at the time of Xiao Zhan's post.

 _23:41... ai Zhan shi ni... Do you love me_?

Yibo's face suddenly felt hot. He had to stop himself from calling Xiao Zhan right then, thinking about how delusional he would look if he called and rambled about time stamps and song lyrics. 

Then he remembered the card.

\-------------

On the plane to Croatia, he fished out his copy of _The Little Prince_. He’d bought it because he knew it was one of Xiao Zhan’s favorite books, and had meant to read it. But then after he ended things with Xiao Zhan, he’d tucked his birthday message into the book and put it away. Now he looked at the card, fingering its edges as he read it, his eyes widening with the realization that, like Xiao Zhan’s Weibo post, the message was a quote.

And IX wasn’t a misspelling. It was a chapter citation. Yibo opened the book to Chapter IX and found Xiao Zhan’s quote, spoken by the rose that the Little Prince had been tending. 

_“I’ve been silly,” she told him at last. “I ask your forgiveness. Try to be happy.”_

And then:

_“Of course I love you,” the flower told him. “It was my fault you never knew. It doesn’t matter. But you were just as silly as I was. Try to be happy.”_

The chapter ended with these lines:

_“Don’t hang around like this; it’s irritating. You made up your mind to leave. Now go.”_

_For she didn’t want him to see her crying. She was such a proud flower._

Yibo sat back in his plane seat. _Oh my god._

\-------------

The next day, Yibo posted to Weibo, and then messaged Xiao Zhan with lines from _Nanhai_ , cuing his photo of a sailboat on the glistening Adriatic.

_Yibo: I posted to Weibo for you_

_Yibo:_ _I still carry your caring heart with me_

_Yibo: I open it when no one is around_

_Yibo: I want to ask you_

_Yibo: If your pain and worries are gone_

_Yibo: Disappeared into the vast ocean in the sunlight_

_Yibo: Like the blurred colors of the heart_

_Yibo: To make you smile and be brave again_

Yibo held his breath when he saw that Xiao Zhan was typing. His eyes widened as lines from _Nanhai_ began to appear.

_XZ: I miss you right now_

_XZ: I miss you when I am lost_

_XZ: All my past regrets are not the future_

_XZ: When are you back? I want to see you, if you’re willing_

\-------------

A week later, Yibo was pacing inside his apartment, waiting for Xiao Zhan, feeling both excited and apprehensive. He hadn’t seen Xiao Zhan in person since March, almost seven months ago. What if, once they were finally together again, whatever spark they had was gone?

When the knock finally came, he felt his heart beating faster as he opened the door and saw Xiao Zhan. They stood there for a long moment, just looking at one another. _He’s so beautiful. God, I missed him._ And then Xiao Zhan stepped inside and pulled Yibo into his arms.

“I’m so sorry,” he was saying into Yibo’s hair, his arms wrapped around his shoulders. “I missed you so much.”

Yibo relaxed into the embrace, and wound his arms around Xiao Zhan’s waist, tears suddenly flowing. _He's here, he's really here._ “Why didn’t you tell me? And why didn’t you call me?”

“I wanted to. But I really thought that you’d be better off in the long run... with someone else.”

Yibo pulled his head back and looked into his eyes, incredulous. “And who did you think that someone would be?”

“I didn’t give much thought to _who_. Maybe someone your own age?”

Yibo glared at him.

“When I saw that you were tied with Guan Xiaotong, it hurt. So much. But I thought... if you were happy, I should let you be happy, and not interfere.”

Yibo’s eyes widened. “You weren’t supposed to react that way. You were supposed to get wildly jealous and come win me back!”

“But you looked so sweet and happy in the music video and all the promotional appearances! Why would I want to take that away from you?”

“Because you love me? Right?”

“Yibo, sometimes loving someone means letting them go for their own good, for their own happiness. You could have had a normal life with her... something you couldn’t have with me.”

“I can’t believe this,” Yibo huffed. “This is what I said to _you_ when I broke things off.”

“Because it’s true. For both of us.”

Yibo looked away, pressing his lips together.

Xiao Zhan led him to the couch and they sat down together, holding one another.

“Anyway,” Xiao Zhan went on, “as soon as I saw that you weren’t actually with Guan Xiaotong, I figured I could let you know how I felt... but only if you wanted to know it.” 

Yibo looked up, his eyes shining with tears. “It’s what I’ve wanted all along. Just to know you loved me back.”

Xiao Zhan laughed softly. “I do. I love you. I guess I didn’t really know it myself before.”

Tears spilled onto Yibo’s cheeks. _He loves me._ “I love you, I love you.” _It feels so good to say it._ He took Xiao Zhan’s hand in his and squeezed it.

“I just didn’t think I would be the one to make you happy.”

Yibo looked up, surprised. “How could you not have known that you’re the one who makes me happy?”

He raised an eyebrow at Yibo. “Because I made you miserable all summer?” He gently wiped the tears from Yibo’s face.

“You didn’t. I - I just wanted more than you were ready to give.”

“I held back,” Xiao Zhan admitted. 

“Why?”

“Ahhhhh, being in a relationship with another man wasn’t going to be good for either of our careers, to start. And, well, I was so sure you were just going to move on to someone more exciting eventually.”

“You thought that little of me?”

“No, of myself, I guess.”

Yibo laughed. “Have you looked in the mirror lately?”

“Oh, is that all I am to you? A pretty face?”

“Of course not,” Yibo scoffed. “You don’t know that?”

Xiao Zhan sighed deeply. “I think there was a lot that we didn’t tell each other. I should have told you how I felt, and also about the things I worried about. I’m sorry.”

“I’m sorry too. There was a lot I kept from you as well.”

Xiao Zhan laced his fingers with Yibo’s. “Can we start again? Do it right this time?”

“Yeah,” Yibo breathed.

Xiao Zhan reached out and smoothed Yibo’s hair out of his face, gazing into his eyes. Yibo gave a small gasp as he felt Xiao Zhan’s hand come to rest on the back of his neck. He cupped his own hands around Xiao Zhan’s face and moved in.

Their lips met tentatively at first, the long absence making it feel like the first kiss all over again. Yibo closed his eyes, savoring the sweet, lightheaded feeling he got from kissing Xiao Zhan’s soft lips, breathing in his scent, feeling his hands in his hair, on his back.

As they kissed, Yibo felt the pain of the past few months melt away. _He loves me. He’s here. I can’t let him go again._

Deepening the kiss, Yibo swung one leg over Xiao Zhan’s lap, straddling him, and tried to burrow his hands under his shirt. Xiao Zhan suddenly pulled away, breathless, his hands firmly grasping Yibo’s wrists.

His face flushed and eyes unfocused, he whispered, “Stop.”

Yibo let out a soft whine. “What? Why?”

“We’re going to do this right... so... just kissing... I don’t want the physical part of our relationship to get ahead of everything else. I want to get to know you first, _really_ know you, without getting distracted by... all of _this_ ,” he said, raking his hooded eyes up and down Yibo’s body.

“Arghghgh…” Yibo moaned, clearly frustrated. “Fiiiiiine…” He paused to gaze into Xiao Zhan’s eyes. “So... just kissing?” He bit Xiao Zhan’s bottom lip, then kissed his way along his jawline and up his neck. “This can be fun too,” he murmured into Xiao Zhan’s ear, as he ran his teeth over his earlobes, delighting in the sounds of pleasure coming out of Xiao Zhan’s mouth. 

_I’m just happy to have him back in my arms._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> References:
> 
> Yibo getting roasted on TTXS for the 520 episode for being in the process of experiencing first love: <https://twitter.com/Ventus1821/status/1229668553403588608?s=20>
> 
> The vlog that Xiao Zhan posted on June 26, 2017: [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fdkjCR_ZTy0&list=PLHFYgQNyQg0TPLANkdusEGTpze-jR6GU4&index=71](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fdkjCR_ZTy0&list=PLHFYgQNyQg0TPLANkdusEGTpze-jR6GU4&index=71)
> 
> The sweet music video that Yibo recorded with Guan Xiaotong: <https://www.dianjinwa.com/video/40141.html>
> 
> There had been rumors about Yibo and Guan Xiaotong back in February 2017 as well, when she appeared on TTXS: <http://www.bestchinanews.com/Entertainment/9082.html>
> 
> Rumors about Yibo and Guan Xiaotong ended with the announcement of her relationship with Lu Han: <https://arlenareed.tumblr.com/post/166174500146/news-luhan-introduces-guan-xiaotong-as-his>
> 
> The first public performance of _Nanhai_ , by Liang Bo on the Hunan TV show The Singer, March 25, 2017: <https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8GmYYyzT_Rs>
> 
> Yibo singing _Nanhai_ on _Produce 101_ , not long before _Chen Qing Ling_ started filming: <https://untamedconnotations.tumblr.com/post/189339224486/nan-hai-2017-liang-bo-source>
> 
> Lyrics and music video for _Who Will Cut the Moonlight_ , by Eason Chan: <https://lyricstranslate.com/en/%E8%AA%B0%E4%BE%86%E5%89%AA%E6%9C%88%E5%85%89-who-come-and-cut-moonlight.html>
> 
> Chinese language fan fic, entitled, “Who Will Cut the Moonlight,” which decodes Xiao Zhan’s October 9, 2017, Weibo post, and ties it to the rumors about Guan Xiaotong: [https://yijianzhonqing.lofter.com/view">https://yijianzhonqing.lofter.com/view](https://yijianzhonqing.lofter.com/view)
> 
> Here is the key chapter of that fic regarding Xiao Zhan’s October 9, 2017, post: <https://yijianzhonqing.lofter.com/post/30f930f6_1c700289b>
> 
> There’s no Little Prince reference that I know of. I made this one up!
> 
> And here are the translated lyrics for _Nanhai_ , thanks to KitsuneVen:
> 
> Once upon a time, he fell in love by chance  
> During an innocent, carefree time  
> Having experienced all the sweetness of love  
> He held tightly to it with both hands  
> He held on hope for the future
> 
> I can’t forget your love  
> But I can’t change the ending  
> I wasn’t able to make you stay  
> I couldn’t be like him and give you a happy future  
> Childish boy…
> 
> I still carry your caring heart with me  
> I open it when no one is around  
> I want to ask you  
> If your pain and worries are gone  
> Disappeared into the vast ocean in the sunlight  
> Like the blurred colors of the heart  
> To make you smile and be brave again
> 
> I can’t forget your love  
> But I can’t change the ending  
> I wasn’t able to make you stay  
> I couldn’t be like him and give you a happy future  
> Childish boy…
> 
> I miss you right now  
> I miss you when I am lost  
> All my past regrets are not the future  
> Loving someone means not being able to avoid pain  
> No need to repeat this story again  
> Now I just want the pain to be over with quickly  
> Because we can’t start over again


	6. I Look How I Feel

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yibo's face can't hide what he's feeling.
> 
> [Note: This chapter can be read as a one-shot. There are no spoilers to the rest of the fic.]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I adore feedback from readers, so please leave comments if you have thoughts, questions, or just want to emote about the boys!
> 
> If you enjoyed this story, you might like this collection of other [short works](https://archiveofourown.org/series/1998622) that live in the same universe.

_**March 2020, Hengdian** _

The alarm on Yibo’s phone went off, alerting him that he had a half an hour before he needed to get on the pre-shoot call with his _TTXS_ brothers for the remote taping. He shook himself out of his daydream and realized that he’d been crying. _Shit_. This had happened more times than he wanted to admit since arriving in Hengdian. 

_No wonder Xiao Zhan didn’t want to talk to me anymore. I’m a mess. How am I helping him like this?_

Yibo rubbed his eyes dry, trying to remember what set him off this time. _Ah. Thinking about how I fell in love with Zhan-ge... that would do it._

Sometimes Yibo would catch himself looking at Xiao Zhan, wondering at the strange way that life unfolds -- that the man he fell for at first glance turned out to be his soulmate, the one he felt certain he would love for a lifetime. And that Xiao Zhan loved him back. The odds against that kind of fortune were so unfathomable to him, it brought tears to his eyes whenever he stopped to think about it.

And then to have to grapple with the present reality that this person that he loved so much, so completely, would be the target of this much hate and nothing could be done about it? It was the stuff of so many tragic dramas, _Chen Qing Ling_ included, that Yibo could be excused for being an emotional wreck. But it didn’t make him feel any better about it.

He went to splash some water on his face in the bathroom, and caught his reflection in the mirror. _I look like hell,_ he thought, reaching for makeup to attempt some damage control.

A month and a half ago, he’d been home with Xiao Zhan in quarantine. With nearly all of their work suspended, and the orders to stay home, they suddenly had more days of uninterrupted time together than they’d ever had, and Yibo couldn’t have been happier. It was evident on his face for all to see in the remote episodes for _Tian Tian Xiang Shang_.

His _TTXS_ brothers teased him privately about his obvious contentment, and fans eagerly speculated about where Yibo was spending his quarantine, and whether someone who looked this blissed out could possibly be at home alone. He wanted so much to be able to tell the world that it was Xiao Zhan who was putting this smile on his face, but that was of course impossible. At least he wouldn’t hide how happy he felt. _As if I could._

Looking now at his haggard face in the mirror, those idyllic days they spent together seemed like a distant memory. His chest ached. Yibo sighed and shoved the makeup aside. _Fuck it. I look how I feel._

\-------------

“Yibo? Are you going to be okay?” 

Han-ge was looking at him through the video screen with concern, and the gentle way he posed his question made Yibo’s eyes mist over.

Already on the edge of breaking down again, and desperately wanting everyone to stop staring at him, he answered, “I’m fine,” as firmly as he could. 

No one seemed convinced.

“ _Aiyoooaaay_ ,” Da Laoshi murmured. “How is ZhanZhan holding up? Hopefully better than you look.” He opened his mouth to say more, but seemed to think better of it.

Yibo laughed weakly, looking down and worrying his _TTXS_ ring as he spoke. “He keeps saying he’s fine, but I think he’s just saying that because he doesn’t want me to worry.”

“That sounds familiar.” Feng-ge gave Yibo a knowing look, then shook his head sadly. “I’m sorry you’re going through this, both of you. It’s been terrible to watch. ZhanZhan surely doesn’t deserve what’s happening to him. I can’t imagine how hard it’s been for you to deal with. If there’s a way we can help…”

Heads nodded across the video screens. Yibo’s throat tightened, and he bobbed away from the camera for a moment so he could wipe the tears from his eyes. _I love these guys so much._

“ZhanZhan is a smart boy, and he’s strong. You both are. You’ve been through so much together in the past year. You’ll be alright.” Han-ge said this with such conviction, as if he could make it true through his sheer will alone. “Let’s try to get through this taping so we don’t hold up the staff, and then why don’t you and I talk afterwards, okay?”

“Mn.” Yibo nodded, biting down on his lips to try to keep his emotions under control. _I can do this._

\-------------

The day’s episode focused on the struggles of a family in quarantine as they tried to homeschool, entertain, and manage their young children. There was chaos, a fair amount of yelling, but also love.

Yibo couldn’t help but think back to his weeks of quarantine at home, lazy mornings in bed, home cooked meals, building Lego models while Xiao Zhan painted or read. It was a quiet, domestic, _ordinary_ existence that Yibo had never really experienced before, and didn’t know he had wanted. 

Before, even when he and Xiao Zhan had managed to get a free weekend together, there was always a kind of unspoken urge to make the time count. Even if they were just staying in, they did everything with one eye on the moment when one or the other -- or both -- would have to get on a plane to leave for a job. They hadn’t ever had time enough to just be in the present, to experience boredom together, and it was an unexpectedly sweet feeling. 

_What I wouldn’t give to be at home with Xiao Zhan right now. To be together long enough to get tired of it._

With his mind constantly wandering back home, Yibo was thankful that he didn't have to do much besides react to what was going on with the family and that he was off-screen most of the episode. Yibo suspected that this was by design, since Han-ge had checked in with him when things had first blown up for Xiao Zhan, and probably knew that Yibo would be distracted and unhappy.

Still, Yibo always wanted to make sure he was contributing to the show, so he had prepared a surprise for the children. While home during quarantine, he had had time to work on learning and practicing magic tricks -- yet another hobby of his -- and Han-ge had asked him to come up with a simple one he could demonstrate on the show some time, one he wouldn’t mind giving away the secrets to.

The trick he chose involved pouring water into one of three cups, shuffling them, and then asking the audience to pick a cup. Then Yibo would move to pour the cup over his own head, eventually revealing that all of the cups were magically dry. 

When he’d tried to demonstrate it at home, Xiao Zhan had hurried to stop Yibo from spilling it all over himself, unconsciously doing what he’d done as Wei Wuxian when a drunk Lan Wangji tried to empty a cup of water over his own head. Yibo scolded him for messing up his trick, and they’d ended up wrestling and giggling on the floor, magic trick forgotten.

Now, doing the trick in front of his video camera, Yibo suddenly felt so alone, his eyes betraying that he felt as empty as the cup, with no Xiao Zhan or Wei Wuxian at his side looking out for him. 

_At least the kids loved it._

\-------------

After the taping wrapped for the day, Yibo settled in on the hotel couch to video chat with Han-ge. 

He'd always had a good relationship with Han-ge, since the older man had taken him under his wing on the show and treated him well. But they’d grown a lot closer after _A-Ling_ aired and Yibo’s life had turned upside down. 

When he first started as an intern with _Tian Tian Xiang Shang_ , Yibo had felt intimidated by Han-ge and the rest of the co-hosts. They all had so much experience in entertainment, and Yibo was eager to learn and not let them down. So he worked hard, never complained, and tried not to show when he was feeling lost or needed help. 

_Better to be quiet and observant than to bother them with my troubles._

His _TTXS_ brothers had been so supportive when he went to shoot _Chen Qing Ling_ , especially since they had an inkling of how Yibo felt about the chance to work with Xiao Zhan. But no one had expected that _A-Ling_ would have become an international hit, or predicted the intensity of the frenzy around him and Xiao Zhan. 

After _A-Ling_ aired, Yibo desperately needed guidance, but hated feeling like a burden to his _TTXS_ brothers and worried about whether he should open up about his relationship with Xiao Zhan. They all could see he was struggling, though, and so they’d made it clear that he -- and Xiao Zhan -- could trust in them. Han-ge, especially. After that, they’d started having regular talks, and Yibo came to rely on him as a kind of surrogate father.

“Ah, Yibo. Tell me what’s happening. You seem more unhappy now than when we last talked.”

“Yeah… I think I thought... we thought... that things would blow over, since he didn’t do anything wrong… But every day it seems to get worse and worse. The impact on Zhan-ge’s career and reputation is bad enough... now he’s also getting threats... it’s... scary, the hatred is scary. And I don’t understand how - how anyone can h-hate Zhan-ge… he’s so good... such a good person...” 

The words were tumbling out and Yibo stopped to inhale slowly to try to steady himself. “The worst thing is that - that I can’t _do_ anything. I mean, obviously it’s not the _worst_ thing, but I want to... I _need_ to help, and I don’t know how, and Zhan-ge won’t let me say--”

“He’s right. You can’t _say_ anything. You can’t support him openly.” Han-ge’s eyes were kind, but firm.

Yibo sighed. “I know. But it doesn’t make me feel any better to know I can’t do anything to protect him from any of this. And now I’m so far away and with my shoot schedule and the pandemic, it could be another couple of m-months before I can even s-see him again…” Yibo took a shuddering breath and looked away.

Han-ge shook his head and hummed in thought. “Well, let’s tackle one thing at a time. The best thing you can do right now is to be strong for him. If you’re upset like this, he’ll want to take care of you, right? He always takes care of you. And if he’s looking out for you, he won’t be able to do the things he needs to do for himself. You know this, right? Imagine that he’s going through this terrible thing and he sees how much pain it’s causing _you_. What does he do?”

Yibo bit his lips. His mind suddenly went to that scene they shot on the steps of Koi Tower. Cultivators were pursuing Lan Wangji and Wei Wuxian, and when Wei Wuxian saw that they were surrounded, he suddenly shoved Lan Wangji away from him. As Lan Wangji, Yibo showed shock and sadness on his face when he was pushed away, but the message Wei Wuxian had sent was clear: _I won’t let you go down with me._

“I - I think I did the wrong thing last night. I was really upset about everything that’s happening to him. I was shouting... not at him! And he - he kind of shut me out. It hurt... We - we haven’t had a chance to talk since.”

“I’m sure he didn’t mean to hurt you. He probably feels a little trapped -- keeping you close is hurting you, but pushing you away also hurts you.” Han-ge took his glasses off and continued thoughtfully as he wiped the lenses with a cloth. “You want to help him, so maybe the way you do that, and to give yourself purpose during this crisis, is to remember that you don’t want to be one more thing he has to worry about.” 

Han-ge gave Yibo a sympathetic look and went on. “It’s a big burden for you, but I also see that you already always think of him first. It’s wonderful how you both care for each other. It’s one of the most beautiful things I see in your relationship.” He shook his head with a broad smile. “Who would have believed it -- Wang Yibo is so focused on another person’s needs!” 

Yibo looked down and laughed softly. “I’m not _that_ bad…” But he knew it was true that he treated everyone, even his oldest friends, differently than he treated Xiao Zhan. Fans delighted in creating “double standard” videos highlighting the contrast, and Yibo would sometimes watch them, feeling both amused and a little ashamed at how blatantly he favored Xiao Zhan over everyone else in his life. 

_This is love, nothing you can do about it._

“Of course you have a good heart. But I’ve never seen you so committed to making another person happy, so attentive to how another person feels. You truly love him.” Han-ge smiled softly at Yibo, as if reading his thoughts. “So you’ve got to pull yourself together for him. It’s like they say in those airplane safety videos -- in an emergency, put your own mask on first before helping others.”

Through the phone screen, Yibo watched Han-ge shift in his chair. “I know how protective you are of him. You might not be able to be there physically right now. And you can’t speak up publicly. So I think that the way you can protect him is to be the best Wang Yibo you can be. Then he can focus on figuring out how to fight back.”

Yibo was quiet, reflecting on Han-ge’s words.

“And if you need to vent, of course you know we are all here for you, right?” Han-he leaned in, looking at Yibo. “You are our _didi_ , and we love you. And because you love ZhanZhan, we love him too. We see how happy you are with him, how much you’ve grown with him at your side. Now, we can’t make public statements for him either--”

“He wouldn’t want you to!” Yibo protested.

“I know. He’s smart, and also kind-hearted. I’m sure he doesn’t want anyone else to be dragged into this, too. But we will find some other way to support him. To help you both. Okay?”

“Okay.”

“So for tomorrow’s shoot, I need you to be professional and focused. It’s work. Do it seriously. If you fall apart and your work suffers, you won’t be helping ZhanZhan at all.”

Yibo nodded firmly. “Yes.”

Satisfied, Han-ge leaned back in his chair and gestured with his glasses at the screen. “ZhanZhan will probably be out of view for a while, but because you can and will be seen, you should show strength enough for both of you. Even if there’s been no confirmation that your relationship is real, you’re still linked in the public’s eye, so if you look solid and strong, I think he will also.”

Yibo let out a long breath and anxiously ran his hands through his hair.

“What is it?

“I…” Yibo hesitated, then said softly, “I don’t want to hide my sadness today. Don’t edit or filter it out.”

“You don’t want people seeing you as upset as you’ve been today. That will just make the people attacking him think they’ve won. That they got to you.”

“But the thing is... I can’t look _too_ strong.” 

Han-ge started to protest, but Yibo suddenly scowled, eyes sharp. 

“Did you know that people online are saying that ‘even Xiao Zhan’s great friend Wang Yibo has abandoned him,’ and won’t speak up for him? Like my not saying anything _proves_ there’s something wrong with him? That he _deserved_ to have this happen to him? Worse, some people claim _I’m_ behind this somehow -- that I think that if Zhan-ge falls, I get some kind of benefit.”

He picked at the couch, eyes downcast. “So - so if I look too strong or like I’m not affected by what’s happening to Zhan-ge...” 

_I need for people to see that I stand with him somehow._

He shook his head sadly and looked at Han-ge through the screen, eyes pleading.

“Just one clip. Do what you need to do with the rest of the episode, but release one unfiltered, unedited clip. Please. I know I can’t publicly defend him, I know that Yuehua won’t allow it, and neither will Zhan-ge. But let my face show that I care, just this once, and then I promise you I’ll be on my game from now on. I - I just can’t let anyone believe that I don’t care about Zhan-ge, that I would ever do anything to hurt him. I just can’t have that.”

Han-ge studied Yibo’s face and inhaled deeply, thinking. “Okay, one clip.”

\-------------

Late that night, under the heading, “Where is Wang Yibo recording today?” _TTXS_ released a 20-second clip of Yibo doing nothing but looking sad.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> References:
> 
> Clip of Yibo from the remote _Tian Tian Xiang Shang_ episode that aired February 23, 2020: <https://twitter.com/Ventus1821/status/1232169021338013699?s=20>
> 
> Yibo’s magic trick, performed for the TTXS episode that aired March 22, 2020: [https://m.mgtv.com/b/334728/7757032.html?t=videoshare&tc=jXKKosRPSAN7&dc=640FF000-2F39-498E-93F4-A41AE67CD9D6" rel="nofollow](https://m.mgtv.com/b/334728/7757032.html?t=videoshare&tc=jXKKosRPSAN7&dc=640FF000-2F39-498E-93F4-A41AE67CD9D6)
> 
> Yibo says on TTXS (11/17/19 episode) you can't do anything about it when you're in love: <https://twitter.com/Ventus1821/status/1261230348458881024?s=20>
> 
> Video of an emotional Yibo, released by TTXS March 12, 2020: [https://m.mgtv.com/b/334728/7699014.html?t=videoshare&tc=jXKKosRPSAN7&dc=06DB4451-0E48-44BB-89D7-894B6CFEFC65" rel="nofollow](https://m.mgtv.com/b/334728/7699014.html?t=videoshare&tc=jXKKosRPSAN7&dc=06DB4451-0E48-44BB-89D7-894B6CFEFC65)


	7. Bu Wang

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After a day of reflection, Xiao Zhan and Yibo finally get to talk through their feelings.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I adore feedback from readers, so please leave comments if you have thoughts, questions, or just want to emote about the boys!
> 
> If you enjoyed this story, you might like this collection of other [short works](https://archiveofourown.org/series/1998622) that live in the same universe.

_**March 2020, Beijing** _

Xiao Zhan woke with a start. He had that groggy, disoriented feeling that follows an unintended nap, the diffuse light in the apartment giving no clue as to what time of day it was.

 _Did someone knock or did I dream that?_

He rubbed his hands over his face to try to wake himself up, then warily went to look out the peephole. His staff had warned him that he’d gotten numerous personal threats through the studio accounts, and although they may have just been toothless missives from shut-in keyboard jockeys, they’d told him to be careful. 

There wasn’t any sign of life in the corridor, but when he cracked the door open, he saw a box sitting outside with the familiar logo of the local grocery store. He breathed a sigh of relief and took the box in, setting it on the kitchen counter. _The Wajijiwa lawsuit was stressful, but at least now I have a team that I trust and that looks out for me._

He put the groceries away and looked up at the clock. It was past 5 already. He wondered if Yibo was done with recording _TTXS_ yet. He desperately wanted to talk to him, to see his face and hear his voice, but didn’t want to interrupt his work.

He was actually feeling somewhat better than the day before. Sleep helped, but he’d also done some painting to clear his head, and fielded some phone calls about recording projects he thought he could do under the radar. The idea of being able to resume work was comforting, and he felt optimistic about recording something. He could hide out in a studio, and wouldn’t even have to see many other people. 

Already an introvert, the pressures of the whole crisis made talking to other people even more exhausting for Xiao Zhan. Having to answer all the same questions, to watch his words, to worry about whether the person he was talking to could be trusted. He missed the days when he didn’t have to be this guarded. 

_My new reality._

He itched to act again, to escape into another world, to be someone else for a time, but right now that was impossible. He couldn’t be seen in public, so filming anything seemed completely unworkable. Big projects like a drama or even a guest appearance on a show also involved too many people, and there was no way to protect against those who wanted to cause trouble through leaks or threats.

And other work? He was already anxious about the abuse his existing corporate and industry partners were taking because of their association with him, so he didn’t want to take on new work that could expose others to the same attacks. And anything new he did would have to be “safe,” nothing edgy. No fashion shoots for now.

At least he could continue to do charity work. But just in case his participation interfered with that charity work, he did it as anonymously as he could.

It was frankly depressing, having to think about his work this way. 

Before, all he needed to think about was whether a project interested him. Now, although he was glad that he was still getting offers to work, it was upsetting that he might have to turn down intriguing opportunities if he couldn’t ensure that others wouldn’t be dragged into the whole mess. Or if the work could be misconstrued. All he wanted was to work, to do something he loved, but now there were all these other considerations. 

Why did this have to happen just as he’d gotten to the point where he could afford to be picky from an artistic standpoint, to choose interesting, more challenging, and complex roles and projects?

\-------------

Xiao Zhan was just cleaning up in the kitchen when Yibo called.

He smiled in relief when Yibo appeared on the screen. “ _Baobao_.” _Oh, I have wanted to see this face all day._

When he saw Xiao Zhan’s smile, Yibo’s face lit up. “You look happier today.” He gazed at Xiao Zhan for a long moment, and then scanned the screen. “What did you cook?”

“How did you know I cooked something?”

“You’re in the kitchen wearing an apron, silly.”

Xiao Zhan giggled. “Something spicy. You wouldn’t have liked it.”

"I can eat spicy food!" Yibo protested.

Xiao Zhan shot back a teasing look. "Sure, sure, Lao Wang."

Yibo looked offended for a moment, then grinned, eyes flashing. 

"Oh-ho, don't get any ideas, Lao Wang." Xiao Zhan shook a finger at him. "That wasn't a challenge... don't torture your poor stomach trying to prove me wrong!"

Yibo laughed. “Well anyway, I’m glad you’re eating.” He cocked his chin up. “Now, tell me truthfully, was there any food in the fridge before the groceries got delivered?”

“Wang Yibo! Was that you, then?”

“I always want to take care of my Zhan-ge.” Yibo grinned.

“Lao Wang,” Xiao Zhan murmured fondly. _How is he so beautiful and sweet?_ He exhaled heavily. “Listen, I’m so sorry about--”

“No, don’t. I understand. I was getting really worked up, and I get that’s not what you need from me right now.”

“No, you’re allowed to be upset too. I shouldn’t have reacted that way. I shouldn’t have let my insecurities run away like that.”

Yibo tilted his head. “What insecurities? You mean about work? Or me?”

Xiao Zhan pursed his lips and blinked his eyes. _Ugh, why did I say that?_

“Ge. Come on. Tell me. Did I say something to upset you?”

He waved his hand. “ _Aiyaaa._ It’s nothing.”

“ _Baobao…_ ” Yibo arched an eyebrow at him, urging him to go on.

Xiao Zhan sighed. He wandered over to the couch and collapsed onto it. “I know you just want for it all to go away and for me to be able to resume work as before, to be on top of all the charts with you, with plenty of work and endorsements…”

“You don’t want that too?”

He scrunched his face up. “We’ve talked about how I don’t really care about all those rankings and endorsements except for the opportunities they open up to play good roles, to create. It all seems so... artificial to me. Prone to manipulation. Everything is so unnecessarily _competitive_. But if I want to continue to act and do projects I can be proud of, I have to be in that game.”

He took the apron off and fiddled with the ties, twisting them with his fingers. “And you know I worried that the more endorsements I got, the higher my rankings went, the more I made myself a target. For this.” He balled up the apron and flung it away. “So what if the only way this stops is if my rankings go down and I don’t have the endorsements I used to?”

Xiao Zhan looked down and continued, “and then without the rankings and endorsements... maybe that means I don’t get to act or perform or get offered opportunities to do anything anymore. Then what?” He flicked his eyes up to look at Yibo, his eyes worried and vulnerable.

He knew Yibo loved him, but what if he was racing ahead with his multiple careers while Xiao Zhan was... not? Suddenly, he was back in Shangri-La, still waiting for his big break, wrestling with self-doubt, and wondering why a guy like Wang Yibo would be interested in him.

Yibo looked confused. “Then what? Then we figure something else out? Launch that _Yizhan_ brand together? You open your bakery, make me fat and happy?”

Xiao Zhan stared through the screen into eyes that looked back at him with no guile, just love. _He’s with me no matter what._ His breath caught in his throat and then came out as a small cry. He covered his mouth with his hand as tears started to fall.

Yibo’s face fell. “Oh no... hey... _baobao_ , sorry, sorry, what just happened? Okay, okay, I won’t get fat!”

At this, Xiao Zhan laughed, and then started to sob in earnest.

“No wait, I’m not making fun of you! I - I really don’t understand what you’re trying to say.” Yibo touched the screen, wishing he could reach through it to comfort him.

Xiao Zhan sniffed and looked away. “Last night I was... I could see how much you were invested in my coming back from this, and…” He wiped his face with his shirt and took a deep breath. “I... I was feeling afraid that if I couldn’t get past this... maybe... I’d lose you, too.” He met Yibo’s gaze with his big eyes, a sheepish look on his face. 

_You are the one thing I can’t do without anymore._

Yibo’s mouth dropped open. “You’re kidding, right? You actually thought I’d leave you if you weren’t the top idol in all of China anymore? If you never acted again? If you lost endorsements? Do you really fear this? After all this time, could you really think my love is that shallow?”

He leaned into the phone, his voice now low and gentle. “You know, I was thinking just this morning about that first summer, when you were away shooting _The Wolf_ and I was back in Beijing pining for you, for months, like the lovesick fool that I was. Remember?”

Xiao Zhan nodded, although his memories from that summer were dominated by his own anxieties about whether he could find success as an actor, and also about Yibo.

“You were just getting started then, and did that matter to me? I’ve never needed for you to be famous. We didn’t film _A-Ling_ because we wanted to be huge stars, for the endorsements, for the rankings.” He looked tenderly into Xiao Zhan’s face, tears welling up in his eyes. 

“We did it because we wanted to be together,” he murmured softly. “Did you forget?”

Tears were now streaming down Xiao Zhan’s face. He ran his sleeve over his eyes and shook his head.

Yibo’s heart ached watching Xiao Zhan cry. He didn’t do it that often off set. Yibo wished he could have said all of this in person, while holding him, but Xiao Zhan clearly needed to hear it now.

“Listen carefully, okay? I loved you before all of this, and I’ll love you if it’s all gone. Don’t ever doubt this. _Bu wang._ ” _Don’t forget._

Xiao Zhan nodded again, shoulders relaxing, his eyes full of relief and love.

“But,” Yibo went on, “I also know how hard you worked for your successes, and I know you -- better than I think you know yourself sometimes. And I think you’d regret it if you didn’t fight these assholes with everything you had because that’s - that’s who you are. You fight for what you want. Like, that’s _literally_ your name!”

He took a short breath and continued, “I get upset thinking about you not being able to act or perform, not because I need you to be some big star, but because I know you love what you do, and because you are _so fucking talented_. It would be a tragedy if that's how things ended. I would be angry if that got taken away from you. But it wouldn't change how I feel about you. Ever.”

Yibo’s voice was thick with emotion as he talked. He felt overwhelmed by how much he loved Xiao Zhan, by the words coming out of his own mouth, wondering when he became someone who had this much to say about things like feelings.

_Love wakes me._

“I need you to know this. I’m here to back you up, to do whatever you need me to do if you fight. But if you decide not to, or if it somehow doesn’t work out the way you wanted, I’m still here for you.” He fixed his gaze on Xiao Zhan. “I love you. I'll accompany you wherever you go, whatever you do.”

Xiao Zhan buried his face in his shirt tail, running out of things to use to dab away his tears. _What fortune is this, to have this amazing man love me like this?_

“Lao Wang... I am a lucky, lucky man. I - I love you, so much. I...” He shook his head, his heart too full to say more. It always embarrassed him into speechlessness to receive so much praise and adoration from the person whose opinion he valued above all others. 

He had been able to laugh it off when Yibo rained endless compliments on him on the _A-Ling_ set and when they were doing promotions, but in private, the intensity of Yibo’s declarations was overwhelming because it seemed like more than he could possibly deserve. Who could live up to this kind of devotion? He felt the familiar urge to change the subject away from himself. 

He lifted a teasing eyebrow at Yibo. “How did a ‘97 kid like you get to be so wise?” 

“I’ve had good guidance over the years from this old guy I met who keeps hanging around…” He smirked. “I had a good talk with Han-ge today, too.”

“Oh? What did he say?”

“Well, he pointed out that I’m probably not helping you much by cursing and throwing things. Like, you have enough to worry about without having to calm me down.”

Xiao Zhan hummed, trying to be diplomatic about Yibo’s temper, which rivaled his own. “It’s true you probably shouldn’t keep trashing your hotel room. But I don’t want you to feel like you can’t express how you’re feeling. I want you to share your concerns with me.”

“Mn. I can do that without adding to the drama, though.”

“And of course he agreed you can’t make any public statements, right?”

Yibo rolled his eyes. “Yes yes, Xiao Laoshi is always right. No public statements.”

“Han-ge also said that I needed to be focused on work, and that the best way I can protect you is to look strong, to be the best Wang Yibo I can be.”

Xiao Zhan giggled. “Why do I feel like this is going to end up being a common theme in your ad copy from now on?”

Yibo pointed through the screen happily. “Ah! Perfect. You’ve saved me a lot of work -- it’s always such a pain to come up with things to say in those posts!”

 _Wang Yibo!_ Xiao Zhan laughed to himself, marveling at how Yibo got away with using his endorsement posts for his own purposes, too often sending the kind of coded messages that they’d exchanged over Weibo ever since they first met. 

In truth, the companies probably enjoyed the extra attention their posts got because fans had caught on to their habit of piggybacking personal messages into their ad copy after _Chen Qing Ling_ aired. It certainly hadn’t hurt their endorsement opportunities.

Sometimes the companies themselves took advantage of the rumors of a relationship between Xiao Zhan and Yibo. Like the time OPPO, the mobile phone company that Xiao Zhan endorsed, bought screen time to display Xiao Zhan’s ads at the arena where _Yibo_ was the emcee for New Year’s Eve -- and not at the arena where Xiao Zhan himself was performing. The fact that fancams captured Yibo staring at Xiao Zhan’s face in the ads gave OPPO all kinds of extra exposure.

Xiao Zhan curled up on his side on the couch, propping the phone up on the coffee table. “I’m so glad you have Han-ge to give you guidance. But listen -- I’m not a baby. I don’t want to be treated like one!”

The fact that Xiao Zhan was saying this while snuggled up and looking adorable made Yibo wish he could pinch his cheeks through the screen. He smiled sweetly. “You’re my _baobao_ , and if I want to spoil you, you can’t stop me.”

“There’s spoiling -- which I don’t mind! -- and then there’s treating me like I’m fragile and helpless, which I am not.” He gave Yibo an ironic pout while batting his eyelashes coquettishly, then broke out in a wide grin.

 _That smile._ “Oh believe me, I know you aren’t, _dalao_.” Yibo winked. 

_This feels nice. We haven’t been in the mood to play like this since I left for Hengdian._

“In all seriousness, though -- you’re right. I do want to fight back. The last couple of weeks... it’s all been so confusing. But I think I’m starting to get my feet under me again. I... I actually might be recording something soon!”

Yibo’s face brightened. “That’s awesome, Ge... What is it?”  
  
“Mn. I think I want to surprise you.”

“Tease.”

“I have to give you a reason to keep calling me,” Xiao Zhan said with a wink and a mischievous smirk. “Don’t worry, I’ll share sooner rather than later. I’ll need my _sunbae_ ’s good counsel.”

Yibo felt his stomach flutter, weak as ever to Xiao Zhan’s playful manner.

“I’m just grateful to have new work to distract me from the whole mess. I’ve been at loose ends without an overcommitted schedule.”

“You should enjoy the downtime while you still have the luxury.” Yibo tapped his forehead. “When you’re feeling serious, you can work. If you’re feeling confused you can... read. Or paint. When you’re alone, reflect. And when you’re sad, sleep. I’ve been doing a lot of the last two things lately myself.”

“I like that. It’ll be my new quarantine mantra. It’s too bad I don’t know how to ride your motorcycle or skateboard. That seems to work for you when you need to clear your head.”

Yibo laughed his gremlin laugh at the idea of his adorably klutzy boyfriend trying to ride either of his hobbies. “Yeah, don’t do that, Ge. I need you in one piece!” 

“How else can I be worthy of the _extraordinary_ Wang Yibo, with his six different careers? Or is it seven now? I need to be ready to take some real risks to measure up, otherwise how will you respect me?”

Yibo scoffed. “It’s funny that you could think that all I care about is how big of a star you are. Does that mean you’ve forgotten about all the times I pitched a fit because your work kept me from getting as much time as I wanted with my _baobao_?”

Xiao Zhan barked out a laugh. _Oh those were some epic fights... my clingy little lion._ “Yeah, it’s been hard for both of us to find a happy balance with these crazy lives we lead. But we’ve done alright, haven’t we?”

Yibo nodded, but his expression melted into sadness. “I just wish my schedule weren’t so backed up right now. My shoot is really behind. I’m not going to get a break for months.” His voice broke. “I - I don’t know when I will be home again.”

“We’ll be okay,” Xiao Zhan said reassuringly. “We’ve done long distance for longer.”

“When?”

“I was away for _The Wolf_ for what, five, six months?”

Yibo gaped. “You’re going to hold that up as an example of us doing long distance successfully?”

“Aren’t we together now?”

“But we broke up for a couple of months!”

Xiao Zhan pointed a finger at him accusingly. “Well then don’t hang up on me and then play games trying to make me jealous, and we’ll be fine!”

Yibo pouted. “You don’t remember how hard that was... Oh wait, _someone_ wasn’t really all in back then… you didn’t know you loved me until I was gone. Trash boyfriend.”

Xiao Zhan hooted at the burn, remembering that day on the set of _A-Ling_ when he had called Yibo’s Lan Wangji a “trash boyfriend” for not realizing he loved Wei Wuxian until it was too late. 

“Stop that. I got there.”

“Eventually.”

“Are we starting again?” He bit his lip and raised an eyebrow in challenge.

Yibo barreled ahead. “You made me wait. A really long time.” He smirked, but there was pain behind it.

“And was I worth the wait? You were worth the wait.”

“Easy for you to say! You weren’t the one waiting!”

“ _Aish,_ ” Xiao Zhan teased. “We’re really doing this again?”

Yibo sighed. _I have to let this go_. “I just want you to admit that you made me wait. And I’m a really. Impatient. Person.” His mood lightened again as he wiggled an eyebrow suggestively at Xiao Zhan.

Xiao Zhan smiled. “I think ‘waiting’ is a very romantic word.”

“Yes yes, I know. Just wait until I see you and I can show you what I think about all the waiting you’ve made me do over the years,” Yibo leered. 

“I’m ready when you are,” Xiao Zhan shot back with that flirty look that always made Yibo go weak in the knees.

 _Those eyes. The curl of his lips._ Yibo gulped hard. “Oh my god do I _need_ to see you,” his voice low and ragged with desire. And then his eyes went dull as he suddenly remembered that it was _his_ schedule that was keeping him away from home. “The idea that it could be _months_ hurts. Especially with everything that’s going on.”

“I know. I miss you too, _gouzai_. Terribly. We’ll figure something out.”

_We’ve somehow made it this far. We can get through this, right?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> References:
> 
> Some information about Xiao Zhan’s lawsuit with his entertainment company, Wajijiwa: <https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ilgvLuWzCb0>
> 
> Yibo's romantic June 20, 2020 Weibo post about accompanying a loved one every day: <https://twitter.com/Ventus1821/status/1274190836402552832?s=20>
> 
> The Himalaya ad (with subs): <https://twitter.com/ohsonsaeng/status/1274186420530237440?s=20>
> 
> Yibo's ad mirrors Xiao Zhan's statements in an earlier interview: <https://twitter.com/wxyzybxz/status/1274196705139777538>
> 
> Yibo watching Xiao Zhan’s OPPO ad during his New Year’s concert: <https://twitter.com/immortalshizun/status/1213311549546401798?s=20>
> 
> More on how companies trade on relationship rumors between these two: [ https://untamedconnotations.tumblr.com/post/621532250404683776/sailorvenuss-replied-to-your-post](https://untamedconnotations.tumblr.com/post/621532250404683776/sailorvenuss-replied-to-your-post)
> 
> Xiao Zhan calls Yibo’s Lan Wangji a “trash boyfriend”: <https://twitter.com/Ventus1821/status/1318365847560204288?s=20>
> 
> Xiao Zhan says that “waiting” is a romantic word: <https://twitter.com/xiaozhvns/status/1239386944708038657?s=20>
> 
> Full interview with Xiao Zhan (sorry, not subbed): <https://v.qq.com/x/cover/mzc002008hcl82h/j0912ixafdi.html>
> 
> _Baobao_ (宝宝) means “baby” -- video clip where lipreading seems to show Yibo calling Xiao Zhan baobao: <https://twitter.com/Ventus1821/status/1258427936840933376?s=20>
> 
> _Gouzai_ (狗仔) means “puppy” -- Xiao Zhan called Yibo gouzaizai in an interview during Chen Qing Ling filming: <https://twitter.com/ohsonsaeng/status/1153867268146622464?s=20>  
> <https://dramavixen.tumblr.com/post/188115458559/yibo-just-needs-some-attention-translation-note>
> 
> _Dalao_ (大佬) means "boss" -- Yibo called Xiao Zhan this during a fanmeet in Beijing:  
> [https://twitter.com/Ventus1821/status/1239451947129696256?s=20 ](https://twitter.com/Ventus1821/status/1239451947129696256?s=20)
> 
> _Sunbae_ is a Korean word used to refer to a respected elder. Xiao Zhan has called Yibo this several times, most notably during the “Nine Minutes Bickering on a Boat” video: <https://twitter.com/chiharuzushi/status/1146109918535176195?s=20>
> 
> _Aish_ is a mild Korean curse word (it's actually an unfinished curse word). This also comes up in the "Nine Minutes" video. <https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2peennCFIsg>


	8. Candy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Xiao Zhan grapples with Yibo's need to let everyone know they belong to each other.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I adore feedback from readers, so please leave comments if you have thoughts, questions, or just want to emote about the boys!
> 
> If you enjoyed this story, you might like this collection of other [short works](https://archiveofourown.org/series/1998622) that live in the same universe.

_**March 2020, Beijing** _

Xiao Zhan woke the next morning to a message from Xuan Lu asking him to call her.

 _Shijie._ Like nearly all of the people of his generation, Xiao Zhan had no siblings, but after playing his older sister on _Chen Qing Ling_ , Xuan Lu had become like a real sister to him. A year and a half after _A-Ling_ wrapped, it still felt weird to call her anything but Shijie.

Xuan Lu beamed when she saw Xiao Zhan’s face. “A-Xian! How are you? You look so skinny! Are you eating?”

Xiao Zhan laughed. He half expected her to hand him a bowl of lotus root and pork rib soup through the phone. _And people thought I had character bleed?_ “Shijie, it’s good to see your face. I’m doing alright. You?”

“I’m fine. But worried for you. We all worry. When I saw Yibo’s video this morning--”

Xiao Zhan froze. “What video? Did he post something new on Weibo?” _That little shit. He promised._

“No, no! It was one of those teaser clips from _Tian Tian Xiang Shang_. It popped up last night, and Yibo just looked so, so sad.”

“ _Tian Tian Xiang Shang_?”

“XianXian, you never let on when things are bad. You always say things are fine, even when they’re not. So… we all watch Yibo to find out how you’re doing.” She giggled sweetly. “He was _glowing_ during quarantine, so we knew you must have been doing well. But then in this new video, he’s clearly so upset… I’ve never seen him like this, so I - I needed to call you and find out how you are.” Her large eyes were full of concern, silently urging Xiao Zhan to open up.

Xiao Zhan sighed. “It’s been hard, I won’t lie. It’s all been so… I don’t know. I could accept it if I’d done something wrong… I mean, I can always work to be better…” His voice trailed off. “Ah, I’ve talked so much about this already. I really don’t want to burden anyone else with it. Clearly I’m already upsetting Yibo, and that’s bad enough.”

“XianXian, it’s not a burden. It’s what friends do for one another. You would want to help if it were me in this situation, right?”

He nodded. “I know, I know, Shijie. But everyone close to me will only get attacked and get hurt. I don’t want that for the people I care about. It’s better if everyone keeps their distance for now.”

Xuan Lu hummed with fond exasperation. “Everything went wrong for A-Xian precisely because he kept everything he went through from his loved ones. He would have protected his Shijie best by at least being honest with her. And then she could have helped him, known what to do -- and what _not_ to do.” 

Xiao Zhan thought about the things Wei Wuxian never shared with anyone -- the pain and torture he went through when he was thrown into Burial Mounds, the fact that he gave up his golden core. He honestly couldn’t say he would have done anything differently.

“Shijie always knows best,” Xiao Zhan allowed, although he didn’t actually believe that anyone would be better off staying close to him. “I’ll try to be better about sharing... At least so you don’t have to study Yibo’s facial expressions.” He rubbed his temples. “Wow, so does everyone do this?”

Xuan Lu’s laugh was like music. “Oh XianXian, you don’t do this when you’re apart? His face is so honest, especially when it comes to you.”

“I get the real thing on video chat most days, and there’s a lag before _Tian Tian Xiang Shang_ airs, so I don’t rely on it to know how he’s doing.” He groaned. “He’s going to get himself into trouble being so transparent…”

“Don’t be hard on him. He’s been like this as long as I have known him, so obviously smitten with you. It’s charming that he doesn’t hide how he feels. In this industry, it’s rare.”

Xiao Zhan looked down, smiling shyly. “I know. It is one of the things I love most about him, even if it makes me crazy sometimes! I envy that he’s been able to get away with it for so long.” He shook his head sadly. “I just don’t want him to get dragged into all this because he’s too close to me.”

“Ultimately he’s going to make his own choices for himself. Obviously, you should tell him how you feel about revealing too much about your relationship, but don’t treat him like a child who doesn’t know better. You know he hates that. He has always wanted you to see him as your equal.”

Xiao Zhan laughed. “If anything, he’s babying _me!_ Especially now.”

Xuan Lu giggled along with Xiao Zhan. “Oh of course -- he would like nothing better than to be your real-life Hanguang Jun and save you from all this somehow. He treats you like something so precious. When you see how he is with everyone else...” Xuan Lu exhaled dreamily and smiled through the screen at Xiao Zhan.

Xiao Zhan felt his heart skip, hearing how Shijie described Yibo. He blushed. “I don’t know what I did to deserve someone like him, who cares so much about me. And to have friends like you, Shijie.”

“I wish you wouldn’t think like this. You’re a treasure too, and deserve so much love and happiness. You need to remember that you’re not alone… We’re all here for you, okay?”

\-------------

It felt so good to talk to Shijie, even as he knew he’d avoided talking to her the last few weeks. When the whole 227 campaign started, he hadn’t really understood what it was going to mean for him, but he knew that he didn’t want anyone else to get pulled in. So he started to distance himself, not calling friends back, hiding his actual thoughts and feelings, hoping to keep everyone from worrying. As things got worse, he’d even considered pushing Yibo away too, but of course he wouldn’t let him.

And clearly, Yibo had his own ideas about how to deal with things.

“Were you going to tell me about the cloud episode taping yesterday?”

Yibo eyed him warily through the screen. “Ermm... What do you mean?”

“Shijie just called and told me about the clip that _Tian Tian Xiang Shang_ released. I just watched it -- I doubt they would have released a clip with you looking that upset, without any beauty filter, unless you had something to do with it. I mean, there’s literally nothing going on in the clip, just you looking unhappy. Want to explain?”

Yibo half-heartedly shrugged his shoulders, but seeing Xiao Zhan’s raised eyebrows, he huffed out an exasperated breath. “I didn’t SAY anything in that clip.”

“ _Aish_ , Yibo…”

“What, Ge? I’m entitled to have emotions about this. I could be upset about all this nonsense as a good friend, and I’ve said _repeatedly_ that we’re friends! We both have! There’s nothing secret about that. But yeah, I want people to see that I’m sad about what’s happening to you. I’m tired of people speculating that I’m somehow the mastermind behind this whole shitty campaign, or that my public silence means you deserve any of this.”

“You should really spend less time in those supertopic groups.”

“Anyway,” Yibo grumbled, ignoring him, “people are saying I just had a cold. As if I could start shooting _Fei_ tomorrow if I were sick… So you don’t need to worry. I could post a picture of me wearing your clothes at 10:05 tomorrow and everyone would just say it was just a coincidence.”

“Don’t you dare…”

Yibo pouted. “It doesn’t matter. No one takes me seriously.”

\-------------

Xiao Zhan knew this wasn’t true. When _A-Ling_ ’s popularity began to soar the previous summer, their CP quickly became the hottest thing in Chinese entertainment. Yibo told him all about it one night after they watched an _A-Ling_ broadcast together.

“We have a CP already?”

“Obviously, Ge. We’re _soulmates_ in _A-Ling_.” He raised an eyebrow and smirked. “Of course we have a CP. It’s called _Bo Jun Yi Xiao_.”

“All I do is to make you smile? That’s cute. Oh, I see, it includes Bo and Xiao... clever!” Xiao Zhan rested his chin on Yibo’s shoulder and watched as he scrolled through their CP supertopic on Weibo. Using Yibo’s alt account, of course.

“See, they scrutinize our Weibo posts for clues about our relationship. They’re all over your _kadian_.”

“Yikes. I should get more creative, then...”

“Or we could embrace it, Ge. I mean, these are the fans who support our CP…” Yibo smiled mischievously at Xiao Zhan.

“Lao Wang... don’t forget where we live.”

“ _Aiyaa_ , you act as if we haven’t been playing games with our posts for years already. The only difference is that now we know our fans are paying _really_ close attention and are looking for the candy.”

“The what?”

“Candy. The hints about our relationship are called candy. They can enjoy the candy -- eat it -- or wash it if it’s too incriminating. You know, pass it off as something innocent.”

“Oh my god this is nuts.”

“Which is why we should just roll with it. We can continue to send our messages to each other like we’ve been doing all along,” he paused to plant a kiss on Xiao Zhan’s nose, “and at the same time, share our happiness with our fans -- the ones who see and accept us as a couple…”

\-------------

  
The existence of the _BJYX_ group gave Yibo the kind of public acknowledgment that he had been wanting for their relationship all along. He never liked having to hide how he felt about Xiao Zhan, never wanted there to be any question that Xiao Zhan was _his_. And now he had an eager audience for his public displays of affection for Xiao Zhan.

_XZ: Isn't posting on the 23rd of every month getting a little too obvious, Lao Wang?_

_Yibo: That's the point, isn't it?_

_Yibo: I want everyone to know I ai Zhan_

So when it became clear that the 227 campaign was not going to be a one-news-cycle thing, Yibo started posting ads every day, embedding messages of support for Xiao Zhan in them. If he wasn’t allowed to say openly that he stood with Xiao Zhan, he’d toss his coded messages out to the _BJYX_ fans and hope that they, at least, would understand.

For his first post, he used a picture that Xiao Zhan took for him during quarantine, on the day he’d taped a cloud time _Tian Tian Xiang Shang_ episode looking especially cuddly and happy. But in this photo, he wasn’t smiling or even looking at the camera, and the lighting was bad. It frankly looked like it had been taken by accident, with Yibo’s face frozen in mid-sentence.

“What are you doing, Lao Wang? I took better pictures for you than this. Why are you using this one for an ad?”

“I don’t want to be smiling in this post. It’s not a time for smiling.”

“It’s an _ad_ , Yibo. You should be smiling.”

Yibo sighed. “Didn’t you read the post? I mentioned wanting to qualify as a “warm friend,” a _nuan you_ , which sounds like _nan you_ , or boyfriend... Oh! And you've always been called _nuan_ , like when you were on _X-Fire_ and your code name was warm soda... which is kind of gross, actually-"

Xiao Zhan raised an eyebrow. "Uh, thanks? This is how you're going to make me feel better?"

"Yes!" Yibo exclaimed. "Everyone knows you're warm, and I'm not! Then I also used your character “Zhan” in the post, and I said that I hope you can do what you like and live as you want. And do you like the _kadian_? 321908... _Zhan, ai ni, jiu ni, Bo_...Zhan, love you, only you, Bo.”

Xiao Zhan's head was spinning, but Yibo seemed so pleased with himself, so he shrugged it off. “It's cute, Lao Wang. But we video chat every day now, for hours sometimes. You couldn’t just tell me this?”

Yibo looked frustrated that Xiao Zhan wasn't more enthusiastic with his praise. “You’re missing the point. I want other people to see that I am telling you this. So they know I’m supporting you.”

Xiao Zhan raked his fingers through his hair anxiously. “But I don’t _want_ you to be publicly tying yourself to me right now. It’ll just make you a target.” At least it wasn’t terribly obvious. _If it makes him feel better, maybe I should let it go._

The next day, Yibo posted again.

“Really, Yibo? A screenshot of your phone’s home screen? And for Colgate? You’re not even showing your teeth and this is for a toothpaste ad!”

“Ge, that’s all you got out of this post? Today is 3/3, or Zhan-Zhan day, and I posted at 18:32...Yibo-Zhan love.” He paused, waiting for praise, but got only silence from Xiao Zhan.

He went on. “And then I wrote to remind you: ‘Although you can’t meet, don’t forget to connect often.’ See, I also said you should love yourself, and then I ended with ‘When the spring flowers bloom, I hope to see your flawless smile.’ I used the singular ‘you’ because I meant _my_ Zhan-ge’s flawless smile, not anyone else’s. Oh, and did you notice that this is the outfit I was wearing when we were _sort of_ on stage together at the 11/11 concert?”

Yibo was so proud of all the candy, and was trying so hard to cheer Xiao Zhan up that he couldn’t help but smile. _All I do is to make you smile._ “It’s very sweet, _baobao_. But you have to stop throwing candy. I don’t want you getting sideways with Yuehua or attracting the attention of the people attacking me. Please.”

The next day, Yibo posted again.

“Wang Yibo! Why aren’t you listening to me?”

“Ge, I did! I’m just reposting a message of support to people working to fight the pandemic.”

“Then don’t _kadian_ the post...you posted at 23 minutes. _Ai Zhan?_ Love Zhan? Really?”

“No, you’re wrong," he cut in. "It’s actually _Yibo_ loves Zhan...I posted at 9:23 and 9 is 1+8, see?”

“I swear to god, Yibo…”

\-------------

It wasn’t as if Xiao Zhan wasn’t throwing his own candy. Right before everything went to hell, Xiao Zhan posted with _kadian_ repeatedly, not even bothering to conceal the cloying messages of love directed at Yibo: 

_1:08: yao ni Bo (want you Bo)_

_2/8 20:28: ai Bo ai ni ai Bo (love Bo love you love Bo)_

_22:48: ai shi ai shi Bo (love is love is Bo)_

_2/18 1857: ai Yibo Yibo wo qin (love Yibo, Yibo my dear)_

Actually, Xiao Zhan meant for that last one to refer to Yibo as his _qizi_ , or "wife" -- to get back at Yibo for calling him his _laopo_ (also "wife") while Xiao Zhan was busy cooking dinner for them that day. And that was the beauty of _kadian_ \-- they could send each other messages publicly like this and leave them open to interpretation by fans. It gave their declarations plausible deniability if they needed it.

In many ways, his own posts and actions were even more blatant than anything Yibo did. Just weeks ago, for example, he’d posted a Valentine’s Day drawing that caused a ruckus online for how openly Xiao Zhan seemed to be confessing his love for Yibo. Of course, Yibo was thrilled.

“Wait, am I seeing this right? “Love Bo”? Ge, did you really put this on Weibo?” The wide smile on his face zinged through Xiao Zhan’s chest. _I love to see him so happy._

Xiao Zhan grinned. “Is this clear enough for you? That my heart is yours?”

There were actually tears in Yibo’s eyes. He threw his arms around Xiao Zhan and buried his face in his neck.

Xiao Zhan rubbed Yibo’s back. “Maybe I don’t always show it in the same ways you do, but I adore you just the same. You know this, right?” He planted a kiss in Yibo’s hair and hugged him close. “Happy Valentine’s Day, _gouzaizai_. I love you.”

It had always been a struggle, trying to balance Xiao Zhan’s desire to keep what they had protected and hidden away from others, and Yibo’s intense urge to claim Xiao Zhan for himself publicly. But Xiao Zhan had to admit that it felt good to put his feelings out there, to see how happy it made Yibo. 

And the sky didn’t fall.

Xiao Zhan thought back to their first year together, recalling how much he’d fought Yibo on even telling their closest friends they were seeing each other, and how miserable it had made Yibo to keep their relationship secret. 

It all led to a fateful decision that changed everything.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> References:
> 
> In a February 2020 _TTXS_ episode, Yibo said that he would take note of special dates and times and do something special to surprise his other half, admitting to doing kadian: <https://twitter.com/Ventus1821/status/1226575475604017152?s=20>
> 
> Xiao Zhan explains why he chose "warm soda" as his nickname on _X-Fire_ : <https://twitter.com/yibolimbo/status/1320898589766283266?s=20>
> 
> On May 29, 2020, Yibo actually posted an ad to Weibo at 10:05 in which he is wearing a pink suit jacket almost identical to one worn by Xiao Zhan at a December 2019 event: [https://www.weibo.com/5492443184/J48vHAZTw?from=page_1003065492443184_profile&wvr=6&mod=weibotime&type=comment](https://www.weibo.com/5492443184/J48vHAZTw?from=page_1003065492443184_profile&wvr=6&mod=weibotime&type=comment)  
> [Xiao Zhan in a very similar pink jacket](https://images.app.goo.gl/fvt2EWSKqncNR4UB6)
> 
> Yibo has a well-known habit of doing kadian with 23: <https://twitter.com/Ventus1821/status/1282588486114013184?s=20>
> 
> During the two-month period between Yibo's and Xiao Zhan's birthday in 2020, Yibo posted with kadian over 50 times, using his work and personal Weibo accounts, posting kadian patterns (and apparently coordinating with Xiao Zhan for one pattern): <https://twitter.com/OldObsess/status/1313150431057653762?s=20>
> 
> When Xiao Zhan cried over a messed up timestamp (proving that he was trying to do kadian and failed): <https://twitter.com/ruanerrr/status/1288533498521739266?s=20>
> 
> His studio likewise missed a timestamp by a minute, and commented afterwards about the "failed kadian," again showing that they do kadian: <https://twitter.com/Ventus1821/status/1310981645575495681?s=20>


	9. I Don't Want to Hide

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dating in secret is fun, but how long can it last?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I adore feedback from readers, so please leave comments if you have thoughts, questions, or just want to emote about the boys!
> 
> If you enjoyed this story, you might like this collection of other [short works](https://archiveofourown.org/series/1998622) that live in the same universe.

_**October 2017, Beijing** _

For once, Xiao Zhan and Yibo were both home in Beijing. Xiao Zhan was in the final days of shooting _O! My Emperor_ and Yibo wouldn’t be leaving for his next shoot until December. This left them time to go out on actual dates, to spend time together, to reconnect after their breakup.

They had known from the start that there was _something_ between them that drew them together, even if maybe they themselves didn’t really recognize or understand it. Whatever it was, it was precious enough that they nurtured it over the long summer months apart -- by phone, video chat, text messages, and even public posts. But even as that connection blossomed into love, they had been afraid to talk about it, didn’t know how to tell each other (Xiao Zhan could barely admit it to himself). Ultimately, the things left unsaid festered, letting doubt and mistrust seep in and split them apart.

After Yibo ended their relationship, Xiao Zhan thought every day about calling him. That connection he felt with Yibo pulled at him constantly, but ultimately he convinced himself he was just being selfish, that Yibo would be better off with someone else. Probably someone his own age. And surely a girlfriend would be better for his image than a boyfriend. So when the rumors about Guan Xiaotong surfaced, it only confirmed for him that he needed to let Yibo go.

It was only after Yibo messaged him and they’d reunited that Xiao Zhan realized the depth of their misunderstandings, how much they had managed to hide from each other despite communicating in some fashion nearly every day. He didn’t want to risk that again. Yibo was leaving again soon, so it was time to talk.

“So can we talk about why you broke up with me?”

“Do we have to?” They had just finished watching a movie and were cuddling on the couch together.

“Shouldn’t we talk about it? So we don’t make the same mistakes?” He rubbed Yibo’s shoulder.

Yibo sighed in resignation. “I was rash. I regretted it right away. But - but you never called back, so I figured that meant you didn’t care about me after all.”

“You actually thought that? After all the time we had spent talking?”

Yibo’s voice was small. “I said I acted rashly.” He shifted his body to hold Xiao Zhan closer, resting his head on his chest. “I just knew... I fell in love with you from the first time I saw you, and... I could tell that that wasn’t how you felt about me.”

“Love at first sight? You really felt that way?”

Yibo nodded.

Xiao Zhan didn’t want to laugh, but he couldn’t suppress the incredulous tone in his voice. “You didn’t know anything about me. What could you have loved?”

“It was just a feeling. I can’t explain it.”

Xiao Zhan considered this. “Do you think I love you less because it took me time to fall in love with you?”

Yibo lifted his head to look at him. “Of course. I loved you first. I’ve loved you longer.”

 _Oh my god he’s so competitive._ Xiao Zhan squeezed a giggle out of him. “It’s not a race, Yibo! And what if you’re the hare and I’m the tortoise? Your love flames out just as mine is burning hotter?”

“It won’t happen,” Yibo shot back defensively.

“How do you know?”

“I just do.”

“But you can't possibly know. _I_ can't know. I know how I feel today, but I don't know what the future will bring.”

Yibo looked offended. “See, you have doubts. I don't.”

“It's not doubt. It's being realistic. You act as if love is a choice you make just once. It's not. It's something you choose and work for every day.”

“Love as work doesn't sound very romantic,” Yibo grumbled.

“Love at first sight _sounds_ romantic, but to me it feels unreliable. How can I base my life on one impulsive feeling that you can't even explain? Isn't it better to know that I've thought about it and chosen to love you each and every day?”

“But then you could always choose not to love me,” Yibo pouted.

“So could you. Or you could be lazy or careless about tending that love because you think it's enough that you felt it once.”

“That's not how it is for me…” Yibo protested softly. But his eyes showed that he was turning Xiao Zhan’s words around in his head.

“Let me understand this,” Xiao Zhan prodded, “you loved me so much you told me never to call you again, hung up on me, and then went on Hot Search with a girl right after. Hmm? And what would have happened if I’d never posted my confession? Where would we be now? What would that have said about your love?”

Yibo faltered. “You - you didn’t call me.”

“You just claimed that your love was greater, so shouldn’t you have called?”

“I messaged you!”

Xiao Zhan scoffed, “You only messaged because I posted a confession. A public one. And you missed the one I sent for your birthday.” He raised an eyebrow.

Yibo sat up. “I got that one! It just... took me a while to sort out what you were doing. By the way, what was with all of the puzzles? What if I never figured out that you were confessing?”

“Then I guess we wouldn’t be together now. I can’t have a boyfriend who isn’t clever.”

Yibo threw a cushion at Xiao Zhan’s head, and then slapped at his shoulders.

“Ow! Ow! Why are you hitting me? You passed the test, what are you upset about?”

Laughing, Xiao Zhan caught Yibo’s windmilling hands and flipped him over, pinning his wrists to the couch and pressing his body down with his. Yibo went quiet, looking up at Xiao Zhan with a needy look in his eyes.

Xiao Zhan vaguely remembered that they were in the middle of talking about something important, but now Yibo was laid out beneath him, and he couldn’t think of anything else but the urge to kiss him breathless. Instead, he leaned down and kissed him tenderly, savoring the feeling of his lips on his.

It took all of Xiao Zhan’s self control to keep things from getting completely out of hand. He was still clinging to his idea that they needed to take things slow, to not let their physical desire for one another outrun everything else between them. But he did not know how much longer he could hold back.

Luckily, when _Emperor_ wrapped in early November, they finally had time to go out on proper dates, away from the temptation of the couch and a bed that beckoned from the other room. And the cooler weather was such a relief -- despite being from the south, Xiao Zhan couldn’t handle a lot of heat. Summer for him just meant feeling dizzy and being drenched in sweat. Fall weather brought comfort and also freedom, since he and Yibo could wear hats and masks, cover up in baggy clothes, and be completely anonymous when they went out together.

Being caught was something Xiao Zhan worried more about than Yibo, even though Yibo was the one more likely to be recognized on the street. Yibo just didn’t seem to care if they were spotted. Xiao Zhan wondered at his nonchalance -- was it because he was younger? Because he’d already made it as an idol? 

_Doesn’t he see the risks of being exposed?_

\-------------

One pretty autumn day, Xiao Zhan showed up at Yibo’s apartment with a picnic lunch, thinking they’d take a car out to a park to enjoy it. As soon as he walked in, though, Yibo pressed a helmet into his arms.

“You’re kidding, right? I can’t even ride a bicycle!”

“You won’t be driving, silly -- you just need to hold on,” Yibo grinned and rolled his hips. “To me.”

Xiao Zhan shyly averted his eyes and tried to pass the helmet back. “Oh no no no... I’ve never ridden a motorcycle before.”

“Excellent. I get one of your firsts, then!”

In the end, Xiao Zhan relented, in part because he could not refuse anything to a man who looked as hot as Yibo did in black leather. And to be able to press his body against his and hold on for dear life? There were worse ways to die.

After the initial shock when Yibo accelerated out into the street, after Xiao Zhan had screamed helplessly into his helmet and wrapped himself around Yibo, Xiao Zhan thrilled at the sensation of the motorcycle beneath them, the wind roaring around their bodies, and the feel of being _out there_ and not cocooned safely in a car.

They rode together until they found a quiet spot in a park, surrounded by trees and far away from others. Xiao Zhan stumbled awkwardly off the motorcycle and shook the tenseness out of his limbs while Yibo snickered at him.

“How was it?”

Xiao Zhan took off the helmet and dropped theatrically to the ground with a loud _whooooo_ , stretching out on the crunchy fall grass. “Terrifying! But also thrilling. I can see why you enjoy it so much.” He put his arms behind his head and looked up and down Yibo’s body with an appraising smile.

Yibo licked his lips as he looked down at Xiao Zhan sprawled out in the leather clothes nicked from Yibo’s closet. He lay down next to him, propping his head up on one arm, his other hand tracing the zipper down Xiao Zhan’s torso. “You should wear leather jackets more often.”

He leaned down and kissed him. Xiao Zhan started to protest, but Yibo murmured against his lips, “There’s no one here.” Yibo wrapped an arm around Xiao Zhan’s waist and pulled him in closer. 

_Oh hell._ Xiao Zhan ran his hands through Yibo’s hair and kissed him back.

They lost themselves in each other until the distant sound of a dog barking reminded them where they were. When they finally broke apart, breathless, Xiao Zhan gazed at Yibo’s flushed and beautiful face, wanting to remember everything about it and this moment. The cool, dry breeze, the soft sunlight in Yibo’s ruffled hair, his pouty lips, those intense eyes. _He’s so gorgeous. I can’t believe he’s mine to kiss like this._

After being apart for so long, just being together was a revelation. There was something irreplaceable and ineffable about simply being in each other’s space, to be able to meet each other’s eyes unbounded by the scope of a camera lens. 

Whatever it was, Xiao Zhan felt it on his heart when he was with Yibo. He wanted more of that feeling before Yibo became just a voice on his phone again.

Xiao Zhan heard the dog’s barks coming closer, so he quickly sat up and started to unpack the food he’d brought for them. 

Yibo laid back and looked up at the wispy white clouds in the blue fall sky. “So. Where do your bandmates think you are right now?”

“Mmmm... I don’t know.” He was still rooming with the guys from X Nine, but now that they'd finished filming _Emperor_ , he wasn't sure how much longer that would continue.

“They didn’t ask you why you were making food to go?”

Xiao Zhan fed Yibo an _onigiri_ , hoping to distract him. “Mn. Try this.”

“Oh, this is tasty.” He fixed his eyes on Xiao Zhan. “They don’t know about us, do they?”

“I hope not.” Seeing Yibo’s unhappy face, he asked, “What are you upset about? You haven’t told anyone either, right?”

“I haven’t, but only because you’ve insisted on it.” He absentmindedly ran a hand along Xiao Zhan’s back. “Do they think you have a girlfriend?”

Xiao Zhan popped another _onigiri_ in Yibo’s mouth and shrugged.

Yibo pressed on. “Have you ever had a girlfriend?”

Xiao Zhan turned away from Yibo, reaching for another container of food. “Yes.”

He couldn’t see Yibo’s face, but he heard the long silence.

He fiddled with the container longer than he needed to, not wanting to meet Yibo’s eyes.

Finally, he heard him ask quietly, “When?”

Xiao Zhan turned to look at Yibo, affecting a casual and light tone. “It was a long time ago, when I was in college.”

“How long were you dating?”

“A couple of years.”

Yibo’s expression was opaque. Xiao Zhan wondered what was going on in his mind. 

“Was it serious?”

Xiao Zhan sighed. “Why all these questions, Yibo?”

He raised his head up and propped it up on his hand. “Tell me.”

Yibo’s eyes bored into his. Xiao Zhan took a deep breath. “Yes. I bought a ring. She decided to study abroad. I couldn’t follow her, so we broke up. She’s married to someone else now. Curiosity satisfied?”

Yibo lay back again. “Did your parents know?”

“Yes.”

“And your friends? Your friends knew, right?”

“ _Aish_ , Yibo. That’s what this is all about? We agreed it was best to keep our relationship a secret. This was a long time ago, before I debuted. You can’t compare it. For a lot of reasons.”

“It’s one thing to keep it a secret that we’re _dating_ , but we aren’t even acknowledging to anyone that we _know_ each other. We can’t even say we hang out? As friends? If I were a girl--”

“Stop. Aren’t you enjoying our time together? I am. I don’t feel the need to include other people in what we have. Why are you so eager to out us?”

“It’s not so much that I want to _out_ us. I just - I just…” He moved closer, to put his head in Xiao Zhan’s lap, but Xiao Zhan gestured to the family approaching, and scooted away.

Yibo whined, making a show of dropping his head on the hard ground and shooting Xiao Zhan a pitiful look. He went to hold his hand just as Xiao Zhan reached for a bottle of water instead. “Come on. Not now,” he whispered, looking at the other people.

“I need to touch you.”

“Why? And why now?”

“I just do.” He rolled over, turning his back to Xiao Zhan. He mumbled into the ground, “You don’t feel the same way I do.”

“God, you are so clingy sometimes!” He laughed softly and rubbed Yibo’s shoulder briefly. “I do feel the same way. But I worry that if we are caught, we will be forced apart. How do you think our companies would react if they knew about us? I would rather hide away with you and protect what we have than to risk not being able to be with you at all.”

Yibo turned his head back, resting his head on his arms and looking up at Xiao Zhan. “I don't want to hide. It feels like I should be ashamed, and I am not.”

“Hiding doesn't have to mean shame. It's something people do with things they feel are precious.”

Yibo reached out to run his fingers over Xiao Zhan’s leg, and this time, Xiao Zhan didn’t stop him. “But I can't actually hide you away. When you’re not with me -- hell, even if you’re with me -- people see you but don't know you belong to me. That we belong to each other.”

“Isn't it enough that we know this ourselves?” Xiao Zhan asked.

“Not for me.”

“You don't trust me?”

“I don't trust the rest of the world with you. I can't hide you away, so I need everyone to know that you're mine.”

\-------------

The truth was that Xiao Zhan’s bandmates _had_ caught on to the change in his habits. They’d noticed that he was begging out of dinners and other group activities and disappearing until late at night -- if he came back at all. They’d get into his face to try to tease him into revealing the name of the girl he was seeing, but all they’d get was a shy smile and a light whiff of jasmine on his clothes.

Xiao Zhan wasn’t entirely certain his bandmates would be accepting of the fact that his secret love was not a girl at all, and he didn’t feel any real desire to risk staining what he had with Yibo with any ugliness. If he could just keep their love in his own heart, he thought, it would stay pure and beautiful, just as he saw it himself.

But he also understood Yibo’s frustrations.

On another night, they were sitting together on the edges of a city park after dinner, bundled up against the cold air and prying eyes. They leaned slightly into each other, their fingers intertwined furtively in the darkness. Xiao Zhan longed to kiss Yibo, but obviously they couldn’t do that here.

“So will it always be like this?” Yibo asked.

“I hope so. Wouldn’t it be nice to spend more time together like this? Good food, a beautiful evening out with the one you love?” He bumped Yibo’s shoulder with his.

“You know what I mean.”

Xiao Zhan sighed. “Do we always have to talk about this? Can’t we just enjoy these moments without fixating on tomorrow?”

“I’m not talking about tomorrow. I want to know how long we have to pretend in public that we are strangers. Years from now, will we still be sneaking around like this, not even telling our friends? Or family?” Yibo’s eyes were hidden from view beneath the brim of his baseball cap but Xiao Zhan could see him chewing on his bottom lip.

Xiao Zhan laughed softly. “You just turned 20. Why are you thinking about what we’re doing years from now?”

Yibo shot him a hurt look. “You were 20 when you wanted to marry your girlfriend.” Then he jumped up from the bench, and took off. 

It took Xiao Zhan a moment to register what had happened, so by the time he’d gotten to his feet, the night had already swallowed Yibo up. _Shit._

He wasn’t sure what to do -- he couldn’t call out Yibo’s name without attracting a curious crowd, so he just started jogging around the park, hoping to catch sight of him.

It wasn’t as if Xiao Zhan hadn’t wondered what the end game would be, how long they could continue to keep things a secret like this. They’d met over eight months ago now, and still no one knew they were friends, let alone seeing each other. 

So much of what made a relationship real was the weaving together of two lives, meeting family, sharing friends, having everyone understand that you belong to one another. Wasn’t that why he’d bought a ring for his girlfriend all those years ago?

Xiao Zhan and Yibo had none of that. If Yibo disappeared from his life tonight, Xiao Zhan would feel enormous loss and pain... but Yibo would also fall cleanly out of his life. By design, there was virtually no evidence of their being together. Everything around him would go on as before, as if this important part of his life had never existed.

Being seen as a couple by others had no bearing on how they felt about each other, but it was a dimension they’d been missing in their relationship. More importantly, it was something Yibo made clear that he needed. And Xiao Zhan wanted more than anything to make him happy.

Breathless now, he came to a stop in a clearing at the center of the park. There was a small pond here, bright moonlight glistening on the surface. Graceful trees framed the pond. It was an achingly beautiful scene -- timeless, as if out of a period drama. A small stone footbridge stretched over the pond, and Xiao Zhan could see a lone figure standing on it, looking up at the moon.

_Yibo._

Xiao Zhan suddenly knew what they needed to do.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> References:
> 
> Fan theory for Yibo falling in love at first sight: <https://youtu.be/YGpcLVOf6qM>
> 
> Xiao Zhan’s views on love at first sight: <https://twitter.com/Ventus1821/status/1241806003378634752?s=20>
> 
> December 2018 Xiao Zhan interview where he says that love nurtured over time is more reliable: <https://xzhan1005.wordpress.com/2019/12/10/keep-online-album-interview-xiaozhan/>
> 
> Rumors about Xiao Zhan’s college girlfriend: [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ob75cWhWJPY&feature=youtu.be](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ob75cWhWJPY&feature=youtu.be)


	10. The Plan

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yibo is tired of hiding, and Xiao Zhan has a plan for that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I adore feedback from readers, so please leave comments if you have thoughts, questions, or just want to emote!
> 
> If you enjoyed this story, you might like this collection of other [short works](https://archiveofourown.org/series/1998622) that live in the same universe.

_**March 2020, Hengdian** _

Yibo was sitting in the makeup chair, paging through his script to review his lines for his first day of resumed shooting. Getting back into character was going to be interesting -- not only had the pandemic suspended filming for nearly two months, but it seemed like Yibo’s life had been on a rollercoaster that whole time. He needed to shake all that off now and be a professional. 

_Need to be the best Wang Yibo I can be if I want to help Zhan-ge._

He thought about his call the day before with Xiao Zhan, and how he worried that Yibo showing his emotions about the whole maddening situation would make him a target for abuse, too. He sighed and picked at the edges of his T-shirt.

Yibo had been so happy when Xiao Zhan posted his Valentine’s Day drawing on Weibo for all to see, basically telling everyone that he loved “Bo.” They’d been in their blissful quarantine bubble then, and Yibo had felt hopeful that they could keep cracking open the closet door and be more open about their relationship. 

It was already a bit of an open secret within their corner of the Chinese entertainment industry that they were dating. They’d visited each others’ sets last fall, told some select friends, and threw enough candy at fans to make their _BJYX_ CP the biggest CP fandom China had ever seen. Literally _millions_ of people in China now celebrated the idea of Yibo and Xiao Zhan as a romantic couple, even if they couldn’t be certain it was true.

The mainstream media tiptoed around all these rumors, pointedly avoiding putting a label on their relationship. Nevertheless, they were undeniably tied together -- it seemed that no article could be written about one of them without at least a laughably gratuitous mention of the other. 

On _Tian Tian Xiang Shang_ , his brothers had long ago stopped trying to set him up with every young starlet that came on the show, and instead were cueing him to talk about “couple” topics like how to argue with a loved one, or what kind of special things he did to surprise his “other half.” Other times they would just refer casually to Yibo and his unnamed partner using the plural “you.” 

Even their parents knew of their relationship and had given their collective blessings.

Yibo was loving it, basking in the idea that so many people, at some level, understood that Xiao Zhan was _his_.

But now Xiao Zhan was saying that Yibo had to distance himself from him.

_I don’t want to go backwards. We worked too hard for this._

\-------------

_**November 2017, Beijing** _

Yibo was back with Xiao Zhan, and he was happier than he could remember being. Even better, their reconciliation coincided with a rare period when both were home and had time to devote to each other. They took full advantage, going out for long walks, enjoying Xiao Zhan’s cooking, playing video games, and just enjoying being together after so many months apart. 

Yibo’s biggest frustration was Xiao Zhan’s insistence that they take a step back on the physical part of their relationship. Having a man as gorgeous as Xiao Zhan in his apartment, in his arms watching a movie, in an apron cooking dinner -- really, just breathing in his vicinity -- was seriously testing Yibo’s self-control. He wasn’t sure why they couldn’t have sex _and_ do all the other things Xiao Zhan wanted to do, but Yibo felt confident that he would wear Xiao Zhan down any day now. It was fun to keep trying, anyway.

Xiao Zhan was in Yibo’s kitchen cooking dinner for them. The food smelled delicious, but Yibo was feeling a hunger for something else. He wrapped his arms around Xiao Zhan from behind and kissed an ear.

“Wang Yibo!” He giggled and scrunched up his neck as Yibo began to nibble on his earlobe. “I'm trying to cook!”

Yibo didn't say anything, just whirled Xiao Zhan around and pressed him up against the cabinets, laying kisses up and down Xiao Zhan’s neck. Xiao Zhan threw his head back and made noises that only riled Yibo up more. 

But then the sound and smell of sizzling food on the stove reminded Xiao Zhan of what he’d been doing before Yibo had interfered. “The... food... is going to... burn... Yiiibo…”

Yibo weighed this in his head, seriously considering sacrificing dinner in pursuit of breaking Xiao Zhan’s “taking it slow” resolve. He _was_ hungry, though, and Xiao Zhan’s cooking was too delicious to let go to waste. He pulled back, placed a quick kiss on Xiao Zhan’s lips, and patted his apron back into place with a smirk. _Hold that thought._

Dinner, as always, was amazing. Yibo gazed across the table at Xiao Zhan, wondering once again how he got so lucky, having a boyfriend who was so perfect. _He’s beautiful, kind, whip-smart, talented, funny,_ **_and_ ** _he cooks?_

Yibo’s mind went back to a conversation they’d had the other afternoon, when Xiao Zhan had asked Yibo what he could possibly have fallen in love with at first sight, and Yibo wasn’t able to answer. Surely he couldn’t have appreciated in one glance all the inner qualities he now loved about Xiao Zhan. Did his confession make Xiao Zhan think he was shallow and immature? 

Xiao Zhan had a point -- Yibo couldn’t have known that Xiao Zhan was the kind of person who would correct a cashier who had given too much change in return, who had such a soft and generous heart he would spend what little money he had to buy supplies for an animal shelter, or who would draw posters to bring awareness to special needs kids. 

That day they met in the flower field, Yibo’s first thought was simply that Xiao Zhan was the most beautiful person he’d ever seen. Was it remotely possible that Yibo saw into his soul through his deep brown eyes or his dazzling smile, and saw his internal beauty? Yibo wanted to believe that if Xiao Zhan had been a terrible person beneath that gorgeous exterior, he wouldn’t have fallen in love with him, but now he’d never know.

There was just a _feeling_ , like he knew that this was a person he would love forever. _Wow, that **does** sound crazy. No wonder Xiao Zhan didn’t believe me. _

It had hurt Yibo to hear Xiao Zhan describe his love for Yibo as a choice, as if he had to be convinced to love him. The more time they spent together, though, the more Yibo could see how the shape of his own feelings changed. Every day, it seemed, he discovered something else he admired about Xiao Zhan, and his love for him deepened. _Maybe this is what Xiao Zhan meant._

“Hey.” Xiao Zhan was looking at him, head tilted. “Are you okay? Is the chicken alright? I know you don’t like spicy, but--”

Yibo snapped out of his reverie. “Oh! No, it’s delicious! I was just thinking.”

“Uh oh.” Xiao Zhan grimaced adorably. “Want to tell me about it?”

Yibo bit his lip. “The other day, when I said I’d fallen in love with you at first sight... Remember?”

“Yeah… like I could forget something like that!”

Yibo pushed his food around on the plate for a moment. “So... If you didn’t feel that way about me at first… I mean, what _did_ you think of me, you know, when we first met?” He waited, an apprehensive look on his face.

“Oh, don’t get me wrong, maybe I don’t call it love at first sight, but I definitely liked you. A lot. I was... intimidated at first? Because, well, you’re _Wang Yibo_ , and I’d seen you in concert and seen so many of your videos, and--”

Yibo perked up. “Wait, really?” 

Xiao Zhan blushed. “Yeah, um... we’ve never talked about this? What did we talk about all summer long?” He laughed, shaking his head. “I may have, uh, stalked you a little while I was going through my own idol training…”

Yibo’s mouth hung open, an amused look on his face.

“ _Anyway_. I definitely knew who you were and admired you for your many talents and ummm... for how handsome and _sexy_ you are…” Xiao Zhan cleared his throat and looked down, fiddling with his chopsticks. “And then it turned out that you were also sweet and fun. And I felt _so at ease_ with you. I didn’t expect that.”

Yibo felt his ears turning red. “So... when did you... when did you know that you loved me?”

Xiao Zhan took a deep breath, thinking. “It’s hard for me to pinpoint a moment. I ummm... I was fighting it.”

Yibo looked crestfallen. “You didn’t want to be with me.”

Xiao Zhan tapped a foot against Yibo’s ankle under the table. “It wasn’t that. We’ve talked about all the worries I had. I mean... it’s still not going to be easy, you know. And there’s the age difference -- don’t make that face, it’s just a fact! I did doubt you could really be interested in someone like me. I’m older, sort of nerdy... Let’s be honest, you’re kind of an adrenaline junkie and a jock, and I’m... _not_. So even though I really liked you, I didn’t think you could be serious about me.” 

“But I _was…_ ” Yibo started, chewing on his lip again. _He still sees so many reasons we shouldn’t be together._

“You just wore me down, though -- in a good way!” Xiao Zhan looked at him softly. “You were always there for me when I was really struggling, you made me laugh, cared for me... you kept showing me what a beautiful and interesting soul you have. Mn.” He gave Yibo a shy smile.

Yibo grumbled, “I fell so hard for you the first time I laid eyes on you, wanted so much for you to love me back, and you spent the whole summer thinking I was too young and that I wasn’t serious.” _And then I basically confirmed all his fears by impulsively breaking up with him and trying to make him jealous. Good job, Yibo._

Xiao Zhan reached across the table and took Yibo’s hand in his. “Suddenly not having you to talk to, not being able to see your smile, hear your voice...it did make me realize that I loved you, that I wanted you in my life. I missed you so much, and it hurt, thinking that maybe you were gone for good.”

Seeing Yibo’s doubtful expression, he went on. “It’s not that I don’t feel the way you feel -- I think we just approach and express these things differently. But now you see why I want us to talk about these things, so we don’t have these misunderstandings.”

\-------------

Whenever Xiao Zhan forced him to talk about his feelings, like the ones he’d had while they were apart, or when he broke up with Xiao Zhan, the moments of self-revelation would hit him in waves of euphoria. In the past, he’d just deal with his feelings by _doing_ things -- dancing it off, jumping on his motorcycle, or just moving on to the next thing. Talking about it? No.

Being with Xiao Zhan was making him more aware of who he was and what was important to him. Why he did the things he did or felt the way he felt. He found he liked it. And he liked who he was when he was with him, even when he was an emotional mess. Which was happening more than he liked. He’d never been in love before, after all.

Xiao Zhan had, though, and knowing this ate at Yibo. He knew it wasn't reasonable. Xiao Zhan was six years older, had been to college, and lived as a normal person before pursuing the idol life. Yibo shouldn’t have been surprised to learn he'd had other relationships. 

Even so, when he found out that Xiao Zhan had been ready to commit his life to a _girl_ , it drove Yibo a little crazy. It just reminded him that if things got too difficult with Yibo, an easier path was always available to Xiao Zhan. Inevitably, he’d think of _Nanhai_ again, and the kind of life he couldn't give him.

Yibo would torture himself sometimes, imagining a future where Xiao Zhan would walk the red carpet with a beautiful actress, maybe a co-star he'd fallen in love with during filming. Xiao Zhan would be looking devastatingly handsome, posing for pictures with his arm firmly around her waist, and smiling sweetly during interviews when asked if they were considering marriage. Someday there would be children and a house and maybe a dog too -- a picture of domesticity that Yibo never imagined for himself or hoped for. Until he met Xiao Zhan.

Now Xiao Zhan was his, and he should have been completely ecstatic. But all these months later, no one was allowed to know about it. When he thought about it rationally, he knew why they couldn't tell people, but he also couldn't quiet the voice in his head that told him that this silence preserved for Xiao Zhan the option of that different life. This fear nagged at him so much that even Xiao Zhan, with all his patience, didn't want to hear about it anymore.

\-------------

One night they went out to dinner together, at an unassuming hole-in-the-wall place that had delicious hand-pulled noodles and soup dumplings. Sometimes when he went out with other friends, there was so much emphasis on being at the hottest new place, drinking too much, or competing over who could eat the most dumplings or be the most outrageous -- typical guy stuff. It wasn’t that Yibo didn’t like competition -- he loved to win, to be the best. But with Xiao Zhan, he could lose and be equally happy. Maybe even happier if he got to see Xiao Zhan smile. Yibo was content just being with him in a way he wasn’t with anyone else.

Of course, this didn’t mean Yibo never felt like an idiot around Xiao Zhan. The man had a heart-melting smile and a way about him that just drew people in, made them want his attention. And Yibo was particularly weak to Xiao Zhan’s casual charm. 

Sometimes Xiao Zhan would be talking and Yibo would suddenly realize that he’d been staring at him with a stupid grin on his face. Or that he’d been so hellbent on making Xiao Zhan laugh that he said something completely inappropriate. 

But it was when he was jealous that Yibo felt most out of control around Xiao Zhan.

Back at the restaurant, Yibo bumped his knee playfully against Xiao Zhan’s leg, wanting contact and attention. He looked around to see if anyone would see if he held his hand under the table. And that’s when he noticed a table of girls looking over and whispering.

They weren’t giving off the kind of vibe that suggested that they’d recognized them. And they weren’t looking at Yibo at all -- they were looking at his Zhan-ge. Xiao Zhan was, of course, oblivious to the attention, because he was one of those beautiful people who didn’t know how beautiful he was. But Yibo could see the girls sighing and swooning each time he laughed or smiled. He should have felt proud that his boyfriend was so gorgeous that strangers stared like this. Instead, it pissed him off.

He had the wild urge to kiss Xiao Zhan right there at the table, just to stake his claim, but of course he couldn’t do that. So he put on an exaggerated smile of his own, and sweetly shoved Xiao Zhan on the shoulder when he cracked one of his awkward jokes. Unfortunately, all this did was to make Xiao Zhan smile more, triggering more giggles and looks from the other table.

Every now and then, a pair of the girls would get up on the pretense of going to the washroom, and they’d sashay by their table and throw glances at Xiao Zhan as they passed. Xiao Zhan was too engrossed in his conversation with Yibo to notice, but Yibo saw.

By the time they’d finished dinner, Yibo was in a black mood, and struggling not to let it show on his face. The girls were still lingering over their food when Yibo and Xiao Zhan got up to leave. Only then did Xiao Zhan notice their eyes on him, and he politely nodded and smiled, giving them a small wave. The girls twittered and one beckoned for him to approach, but Yibo, fuming, quickly grabbed his arm and steered him out the door.

Afterwards, they were sitting together on a bench in a nearby park.

“So will it always be like this?” Yibo asked, thinking of how helpless he felt when the girls were flirting so openly with Xiao Zhan.

“I hope so. Wouldn’t it be nice to spend more time together like this? Good food, a beautiful evening out with the one you love?” He rubbed Yibo’s hand, giving him a soft smile.

Yibo sighed heavily. _He has no idea what I just went through._ “You know what I mean.”

Xiao Zhan looked so disappointed. “Do we always have to talk about this? Can’t we just enjoy these moments without fixating on tomorrow?”

 _He doesn’t get it at all._ Yibo thought about all the times he wasn’t with Xiao Zhan, how often he must get hit on by people, and how he was too kind, too polite, too generous of heart to ignore the advances or to tell them to leave him alone. _No one knows he’s mine._

Yibo chewed on his lower lip. “I’m not talking about tomorrow. I want to know how long we have to pretend in public that we are strangers. Years from now, will we still be sneaking around like this, not even telling our friends? Or family?”

Xiao Zhan stared at him incredulously and laughed. “You just turned 20. Why are you thinking about what we’re doing years from now?” 

Yibo shot him a hurt look. _He’s not imagining us together in the future like I am._ “ _You_ were 20 when you wanted to marry your girlfriend.” His chest started to constrict and he could feel the hot tears starting to well up in his eyes. 

_Fight or flight_. He chose flight.

\-------------

Yibo ran along the paths in the park until he found himself in a clearing with a pond, glistening in the moonlight. He stopped to catch his breath, then walked over to a small footbridge that spanned the pond. Standing on the bridge, he looked up at the moon, its glow distorted through his tears.

_Goddamn it. I ruined a nice night. Why do I have to be like this, so possessive?_

He thought about how annoyed Xiao Zhan would be with him if he'd found out how upset Yibo had gotten about some random girls in a restaurant. But he couldn’t help how he felt. And he wasn’t used to feeling so powerless. He knew he had to figure out a way to control his emotions, though, or he was going to sabotage the whole relationship.

He heard footsteps behind him, and turned to see Xiao Zhan crossing the bridge towards him. Yibo braced, expecting to be scolded for running off so childishly, but instead, Xiao Zhan pulled him into his arms and held him.

Yibo took a shuddering breath and relaxed into Xiao Zhan’s arms. “I’m - I’m so sorry. For being such a big baby. I spoiled our date.”

Xiao Zhan patted his back and hugged him closer. “No, I understand. You feel what you feel. And... we’ve been together for so many months already, and I get that it’s getting harder to keep hiding what we have.” He looked around quickly and leaned in to kiss Yibo. Yibo burrowed his hands into Xiao Zhan’s coat, winding his arms around his waist. He sighed, savoring the familiar high he got from kissing Xiao Zhan.

Xiao Zhan pulled back and looked into Yibo’s eyes. He brushed away his tears gently. “Listen, I have an idea. For how we can give ourselves more space to be together. Publicly. Maybe not as a couple, but at least as good friends who like to hang out together.”

Yibo looked up expectantly. “Okay. What is it?”

“Let’s get roles together in a drama. Like maybe one of those police shows -- what if you were a police officer and I were a charming villain--”

“Hey wait, why can’t I be the villain?”

He shook Yibo in mock frustration. “Stay with me here, this is my idea! I mean, we could both be police officers -- a crime-fighting duo... or maybe we could both be gangsters… Or we could do a period drama. I’m doing some auditions now, you can go to some of the same auditions, and see if we could be cast together?”

Yibo’s eyes widened. “Work together? You’d do that?”

“Why not? We’re both actors, why couldn’t we do a drama together? It’s actually perfect -- we’d be able to spend time together on set -- maybe _months_ , and people would see us together. It wouldn’t be weird for us to hang out on and off set... we wouldn’t need to sneak around anymore to see each other. What do you think?” Xiao Zhan raised his eyebrows in question at Yibo.

“But we wouldn’t be allowed to be _together together_ …”

“ _Aiyaaa_ , Yibo, you are so greedy! This is still China after all... but we could be _best buddies_ who hang out together all the time. What we did in private would be our own business.” He winked.

Yibo looked into Xiao Zhan’s beautiful face, illuminated in the moonlight. _To have the chance to see this face every day on set?_ He smiled. “Okay. Let’s go see who’s casting right now.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> References:
> 
> Chart showing the growth of the _BJYX_ supertopic over time: <https://twitter.com/OldObsess/status/1315811055453470720?s=20>
> 
> July 2019 TTXS episode where Yibo is cued to talk about how he fights with his loved one (爱的人): <https://twitter.com/yibolimbo/status/1318657184993927169?s=20>
> 
> February 2020 TTXS episode where Yibo explains what he does to surprise his other half: <https://twitter.com/Ventus1821/status/1226761823015202816?s=20>
> 
> February 2020 TTXS episode where Han-ge asks the other hosts what they would do for a future loved one and asks Yibo what he would do in the future for his loved one: [ https://twitter.com/ventus1821/status/1226761823015202816?s=21](https://twitter.com/ventus1821/status/1226761823015202816?s=21)
> 
> November 2019 TTXS brothers using the plural “you” (他们) to refer to Yibo in November 2019 episode: <https://twitter.com/BjyxObsessed/status/1281753369770696711?s=20>
> 
> June 2018 TTXS episode when Yibo imagines life in his 40s, with a kids, a dog, but no wife: <https://twitter.com/Ventus1821/status/1220887176335917057?s=20>
> 
> I can't believe some of the things they say to Yibo sometimes! From the _TTXS_ July 2019 episode with Xiao Zhan: <https://twitter.com/_lanwuxian_/status/1341048993888022528?s=21>
> 
> In college, Xiao Zhan designed posters for children with autism: <https://twitter.com/nahz_oaix/status/1245560648307630086?s=20>
> 
> When Xiao Zhan first debuted, he donated 100 cat beds to a local shelter: <https://twitter.com/dailyxiaozhan/status/1285167711815901186?s=21>
> 
> Xiao Zhan draws people in because he is just low-key flirtatious, as described by his former co-star, Darren Wang: <https://twitter.com/Amylyn1324/status/1294159262474629123?s=20>


	11. Rhapsody in Bleu

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yibo's cologne calls up sweet memories.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I adore feedback from readers, so please leave comments if you have thoughts, questions, or just want to emote about the boys!
> 
> If you enjoyed this story, you might like this collection of other [short works](https://archiveofourown.org/series/1998622) that live in the same universe.

_**March 2020, Beijing** _

Xiao Zhan was _really_ missing Yibo. He had been away in Hengdian over two weeks now, which, sadly, wasn’t that long of a separation for them. Of course, Xiao Zhan hadn’t been the target of a massive cyberbullying campaign those other times, so he could probably be forgiven for feeling lonely. 

Yibo was back on the set for _Legend of Fei_ after a months-long pandemic-driven filming hiatus, and now his whole schedule was in disarray. Like dominos, this first delay pushed one filming schedule into another and another, until all of his projects overlapped into one messy, barely manageable tangle of flight itineraries. 

It gave Xiao Zhan a headache even thinking about how Yibo was going to do it all, let alone be able to come home before the end of the summer. The idea of not seeing Yibo for that long tied his stomach in knots. It really would be like the summer of 2017 all over again, and that hadn’t gone particularly well.

He was riding a fine line on how he talked about Yibo’s absence during their video chats, trying to make sure Yibo knew he was missed without making him feel guilty about being gone. Yibo was already beating himself up over it -- even though that was just part of the job and he certainly couldn’t help how the pandemic had screwed up all the shooting schedules. 

_Maybe I can send Yibo a few things from home to make him feel better._

He went into the large walk-in closet that they shared and pawed through Yibo’s clothes, thinking about what he could use on set. Most days, he’d be in costume, but he could probably use comfortable stuff, things to wear while skateboarding around, and maybe some nicer things for when he needed to tape for _Tian Tian Xiang Shang_. 

Xiao Zhan picked out a couple of T-shirts and then went over to his side of the closet for some button-up shirts. He found a pair of army green Nike cargo pants that he thought might have been Yibo’s to begin with, and added it to the pile.

They were roughly the same size, so naturally, they’d borrowed each others’ clothes for years. At first it was just out of convenience, when they stayed over at each others’ apartments or hotel rooms and needed fresh clothes, and then after a while they did it to feel closer to one another when they had to be apart. Which was a lot. Now, of course, their things had gotten so mixed up, sometimes it was hard to know whose clothes were whose anymore.

He scanned the closet for other things to send to Yibo. There was a lot of couples clothing -- shirts that Yibo had bought two of so that they could match, clothing sets that they split between the two of them. _So many pairs of matching sneakers_. It made Xiao Zhan laugh, thinking of all the ways Yibo liked to mark Xiao Zhan as his. He grabbed a few of the couples shirts.

Back in the days when Xiao Zhan cared about being photographed in “airport fashion,” he’d worn a lot of quirky, “Japan style” outfits and Italian brands, especially Gucci, for which he was a brand ambassador. But now he didn’t want the extra attention of high fashion, high visibility clothing anymore. It was hard enough getting from one place to another without being mobbed.

And so Xiao Zhan’s private clothing style had undergone a slow, inexorable slide towards the kind of hip hop streetwear Yibo had grown to favor. Xiao Zhan had to admit that it was easier to be anonymous this way -- as much as a six-foot-tall man like Xiao Zhan could blend in -- but more importantly, it was a simple way to make Yibo happy. 

Fans quickly caught on to their merging fashion sense and their swapped, shared, or couples’ clothing. Eventually, to Yibo’s delight, what they wore became candy too.

Xiao Zhan turned to step out of the closet when his eye fell on a bottle of Yibo’s Chanel Bleu sitting on the dressing table. He wondered for a moment if Yibo had packed a spare bottle to take with him, or maybe just didn’t bother. 

Imagining Yibo standing in the same place, and deciding to leave his cologne behind, made Xiao Zhan unbearably sad. It meant that he was assuming that they wouldn’t see each other until he returned home, and there was no telling when that would be. He knew how much Xiao Zhan liked the scent on him, and it had become his habit to make sure he was wearing it if they were planning to meet.

Maybe there was a way to bring Yibo home early after all. At least the idea of him. Xiao Zhan took the cologne back to their bedroom. He stripped the sheets off the bed, and was about to toss it all into the hamper, but stopped himself. Instead, he carefully folded them up with the clothes he’d collected, and set everything aside.

He gathered fresh sheets from the linen closet, and as soon as he’d made up the bed, he spritzed it with Yibo’s cologne. Jasmine and musky sandalwood notes rose in the air. Xiao Zhan breathed it in, and when he closed his eyes, the memory of Yibo was so strong he could almost hear Yibo padding up from behind to wrap his arms around him and plant a kiss on his neck. When he opened his eyes, he was, of course, all alone. With a sigh, he wiped his eyes.

He was about to put the blue bottle back, but on impulse, he sprayed the cologne on himself. Yibo’s familiar scent enveloped him, and the feelings it evoked were overwhelming. He sensed Yibo’s hands on his body, his breath on his skin. It was too much. He missed him too much. He curled up on the bed and closed his eyes, letting the smell of jasmine and sandalwood bring Yibo back to him.

\-------------

_**November 2017, Beijing** _

Yibo and Xiao Zhan returned to Yibo’s place filled with excitement. They had talked the whole way back from the park about different dramas they could do together, and were eager to start searching for projects that were casting.

Once they got back to Yibo’s apartment, Xiao Zhan was about to take out his phone to start looking up casting calls when Yibo suddenly turned around and slammed Xiao Zhan against the front door. He kissed him deeply, grinding his hips up against Xiao Zhan’s body. Xiao Zhan’s hands flailed for a moment, caught off guard by Yibo’s sudden move, but then he grabbed Yibo’s shoulders and pushed back from the door, kicking off his shoes along the way.

They kept kissing, awkwardly shedding their coats and hats in a trail through the apartment, nearly tripping over their own feet, knocking into furniture and doorways. Breathless and laughing, they stumbled into Yibo’s bedroom and toppled over onto the bed in a tangle of limbs.

They locked eyes for a moment. They had been here before, months earlier, in this bed and wrapped in each others’ arms, but it was like they were different people now, more sure of themselves and of how they felt about each other. 

Xiao Zhan bent down and nipped at Yibo’s lips, kissing his way along his impossibly sharp jawline, inhaling the musky jasmine scent at his throat. Yibo tilted his head back, Adam’s apple on display, his full lips parting with a soft moan as Xiao Zhan burrowed into the sensitive skin of his neck, sucking up little reddish welts down to his collarbone. 

All of his senses were on fire with the feel, smell, sight, taste, and sounds of Yibo.

Layers of late autumn clothing were shed, piece by piece, until it was just Xiao Zhan covering Yibo’s body. Between kisses, Xiao Zhan looked into Yibo’s eyes and saw the need within. The last time they had held each other like this, skin on skin, Xiao Zhan had been the one to surrender. He had desperately wanted Yibo, needed him, but because of the worries he had about where his heart was taking him, he had let go, wanting the younger man to take the lead.

Now, though, what they felt for each other was so much more than just desire or lust -- there was love, too. So much. Xiao Zhan felt like he was drowning in it as they kissed and their bodies wound together. All rational thought was crowded out by the sensation of Yibo’s steadying hands wrapped around his waist, the feeling of their bodies pressed tightly together.

There was nothing passive in the way Yibo was holding him, but Xiao Zhan could sense that he was waiting. Waiting for Xiao Zhan. The pleading look in Yibo’s eyes was so raw it made his heart pound. Yibo had been saying for months what he needed from Xiao Zhan -- he already knew what it was like to love him, and now he wanted to know what it felt like to be loved.

“ _Please_ , Ge.”

He leaned in to kiss Yibo’s soft lips, running his fingers through his hair and cupping his beautiful face in his hands. “I do love you, Yibo,” Xiao Zhan murmured. “Let me show you how much.”

\-------------

Xiao Zhan knew that sleeping with Yibo again would change how they spent their time together, and he wasn’t wrong. It was to be expected when you had a boyfriend who was six years younger.

Yibo was all over Xiao Zhan the moment he walked into his apartment a couple of days later, pulling off Xiao Zhan’s coat and then tugging his sweater over his head. Xiao Zhan struggled to get his shoes off before being pushed across the room.

“Wang Yibo! Are you at least going to say hello?”

Yibo mumbled something into Xiao Zhan’s neck and continued to walk him backwards into the bedroom.

They fell back onto the bed as Xiao Zhan pouted, “You never want to talk to me anymore.”

“I’m 20 years old. Surely you remember what that was like. No, wait, I don’t want to know. Shit. Now I have to make you forget everyone else you were ever with.” 

He dove in for more kisses, spurring ticklish squeals from Xiao Zhan. The heady scent of Yibo's cologne enveloped them, and Xiao Zhan sighed, closed his eyes, and relaxed into Yibo's embrace.

With Yibo’s departure looming, there were days they didn’t leave Yibo’s apartment, or his bed. To explain his extended absences, Xiao Zhan had concocted a story for his bandmates about a friend who needed him to house sit. They didn’t seem to believe him, but he didn’t really care.

Everything felt lighter now that they had a plan, a path out of the shadows. Nothing would be _perfect_ as long as the law and public opinion ran against the love they felt, but at least there was hope in action.

A few days before Yibo had to leave, they went out to a park together. They held hands as they walked -- it was cold, so there were few other people out, and they were covered up enough that it wasn’t clear that they were both men. And it just felt right.

“I have an audition tomorrow, but I don’t know if it would be worth your time to pursue.”

Yibo shrugged at Xiao Zhan’s comment. “I thought the idea was that we just wanted to work together.”

“You shouldn’t have to take a crap role to do that. Anyway, we need to find a drama with roles that would allow us to have scenes together. It would be pointless to be cast together but then end up shooting our scenes entirely separately.”

Yibo swung Xiao Zhan’s hand back and forth in his. “This is true.” He looked up at Xiao Zhan. “But don’t reject opportunities just because you assume I think the role would be too small... I want to do this. Soon.”

Xiao Zhan turned to smile at Yibo, but realized that they could only see each other’s eyes because of the masks on their faces. He looked around.

“Follow me.” He led Yibo off the path to a stand of trees, lightly hidden. Before Xiao Zhan could say anything, though, Yibo pulled off both of their masks and pressed Xiao Zhan up against a tree trunk, kissing him hard. 

Yibo must have assumed Xiao Zhan would stop him from kissing him in public like this, because he’d grabbed his arms and pinned them to the tree as well, but Xiao Zhan wasn’t putting up a fight, kissing him back as much as he could while being manhandled.

Maybe, Xiao Zhan thought, Yibo’s bravery was rubbing off on him. He liked it.

The final days passed like this in a blur. And then Yibo was gone, far away in Zhuhai until March. Three months apart. Hadn’t they just done this?

At least this time they were more secure in what they felt for one another, with happy memories to draw on when they missed each other. What else could they do? They would find a way to make it work.

\-------------

_XZ: Weibo post for you_

_XZ: I made dumplings for winter solstice_

_Yibo: I missed out on dumplings?_

_Yibo: Why didn’t you make them when I was in town the other night?_

_XZ: You were only here for one night_

_XZ: Did you want me to spend it wrapping dumplings or..._

_Yibo: …_

_XZ: ??_

_Yibo: I’m trying to decide…_

_XZ:_ 😡😡😡😡😡

_[Today is the winter solstice! The question is coming! Will you eat dumplings or rice balls? (Even if you don’t like my selfie, I’m still going to post it!)]_

__

_[For the winter solstice I will eat dumplings and watch TTXS]_

_Yibo: You’re probably already asleep now_

_Yibo: I posted my reply to your Weibo post_

_Yibo: At 23:37...ai zhanzhan qin [love zhanzhan kisses]_ 😏😏😏

_Yibo: I’m still upset I didn’t get any of your dumplings_

_Yibo: And I like the “selfies” that I took for you_

_Yibo: Handsome Zhan-ge_

_Yibo: I miss you_

\-------------

_**January 2018, Beijing** _

“Dumplings for the ‘Male Artist of the Year’…” Xiao Zhan winked as he put the platter of freshly pan-fried dumplings on the table with a flourish.

Yibo nabbed a dumpling and gestured with it to an unseen audience. “I want to thank QQ for giving me this award so I could come home to eat homemade dumplings and have sex with my gorgeous boyfriend.” He raised an eyebrow and popped the dumpling in his mouth.

Xiao Zhan swatted Yibo on the arm and giggled. “Shameless.”

“Well it’s true!” 

"Ugh, you are so childish. Why are you like this?"

"Because I'm in love." He grinned and helped himself to another dumpling, even as he was still chewing the last one. “So, any luck with auditions?”

“Not yet,” Xiao Zhan sighed, “although I just heard about a _xianxia_ drama that’s been casting for the last year. They are still looking to fill several roles.”

“A year to cast? Why is it taking so long?”

Xiao Zhan hesitated. “It’s, uh, a _boy love_ drama, so a lot of top-line actors don’t want to audition. And the novel it’s based on is apparently really popular, with a big fan base. Maybe they’re taking the casting seriously?” Xiao Zhan waited to see what Yibo would say.

“ _Boy love_ , huh? I’m surprised anyone would try to film another after what happened to _Addicted_.”

“You know about that?” Xiao Zhan was surprised.

Yibo shrugged. “I hear things. When a show gets banned mid-broadcast for controversial content, people talk.”

“Yeah.” Xiao Zhan shook his head. “Well, this one has a kind of juicy villain role I’m interested in auditioning for... I just didn’t know if you’d be open to being in a BL drama.”

Xiao Zhan knew that Yibo was looking at signing on to a sports-related program, and wondered how his being in a BL drama would go over with his fan base. Probably not well. But maybe if they just took side roles in a BL drama, it wouldn’t be a big deal.

Yibo didn’t look concerned, snapping up another dumpling. “What other roles are open still?”

“I’m not really sure. I can look into it and let you know.”

“Mn. What’s the drama called, by the way?”

Xiao Zhan took a piece of paper out of his pocket. “ _Chen Qing Ling_.”

\-------------

Over the next few weeks, Xiao Zhan looked for other opportunities, hoping to find a more conventional, less risky drama. But the chance to play Xue Yang, a charismatic, unhinged villain in _Chen Qing Ling_ , was just too intriguing. Even if Yibo decided he didn’t want to do a BL drama, maybe he’d try out for it anyway, and hope something else came up that they could do together.

At the end of the month, Yibo was bouncing around between Zhuhai and Changsha, in transit almost as long as he was on the ground, so Xiao Zhan sent him text messages.

_XZ: I’m going to try for that villain role_

_XZ: And there are still parts open you might be interested in_

_XZ: I updated my Weibo_

On Weibo, Xiao Zhan posted a teaser for X Nine’s new single, which was dropping on February 2. The whole concept for the band’s upcoming EPs was a rumination on the difference between living life online and living life offline -- and especially what it meant to love someone online. Could you truly love someone if you couldn’t experience being in the same physical space?

The question was one that had been on Xiao Zhan’s mind over the past year. Both his and Yibo’s work and travel schedules were so busy that most of their relationship unfolded online through WeChat, video calls, and even public Weibo posts. Was it working? They didn’t know any other way.

_A character, a space, a string of codes, and a signal. Finish_

_You are whole, we are incomplete. #IfYouNeverGoOfflineIsItLove?_

_On February 1st, I will be waiting for your answer online._

__

On February 1, Yibo updated his Weibo to say “Weibo has been updated.”

_XZ: That was a very... meta response to my question_

_Yibo: I love you online or offline_

_Yibo: I just happen to be online now_

_XZ: Handsome bae_

_Yibo: You like? The selfies were from when I was home a few weeks ago_

_Yibo: Because I like offline time with you better_

_Yibo: But I will take what I can get_

_XZ: I wish work didn’t always get in the way like this_

_Yibo: If we worked together…_

_Yibo: Did you submit your stuff for that BL drama?_

_XZ: Yeah... waiting now_

_Yibo: I’ll put my headshot in too then_

\-------------

_**March 2018, Beijing** _

_XZ: My audition for Xue Yang is this week!_

_XZ: Wish me luck_

_Yibo: Posted to Weibo for you_

_XZ: One of these days someone is going to notice your posts look suspiciously like mine_

_Yibo:_ _¯\\_(ツ)_/¯_

On March 13, Xiao Zhan met with Yang Xia, the producer for _Chen Qing Ling._ As he feared, she wasn’t convinced that he would be right for the role of Xue Yang. _Sigh. I’m getting tired of rejection. Why am I even here?_

But she was smiling. “We want you to play the role of Wei Wuxian instead.”

Xiao Zhan tilted his head, wondering if he was mixing up the names of the characters in the drama. “Wei Wuxian? The lead role?”

“Well, the _co-lead_. But yes. We think your visuals and personality are a better fit for Wei Wuxian. Are you interested?”

Xiao Zhan was speechless for a moment. _Am I interested in a_ **_lead_ ** _role?_ “Y-yes! But…” His mind was racing. How would Yibo react to the news that he would be playing a leading role in a BL drama? They had only talked about auditioning for side roles, not for the main romantic leads.

Yang Xia saw the apprehension on his face and asked, “Do you have any reservations about playing this role? This is a _boy love_ production, and while there are limits to how far we can go in portraying the relationship between the male leads, we want to film as faithfully as we can, to respect the fans of the novel.” She looked at Xiao Zhan expectantly.

“No, I understand. It’s - it’s not a problem for me.” _It will be, for my boyfriend._ Could he ask Yibo to be okay with him playing another man’s lover on screen? He could barely manage Yibo’s possessiveness when it came to his former girlfriend, or even random strangers on the street. It was hard to imagine how he could take this role and not have it ruin their relationship.

He pinched his leg as he asked the most important question: “Who will play Lan Wangji?”

“We... haven’t been able to find the right person yet. It’s been a surprisingly hard role to cast. Someone with a cold aura, an outwardly unexpressive exterior, but who can play a character with a passionate soul. And be ethereally beautiful as well.” She laughed. “Know anyone who fits that list of traits?” Her tone suggested that she was confident that he did not.

 _The role is still open?_ Xiao Zhan tried to keep his facial expression calm. It was like this role was written for Yibo. Could they possibly be cast as romantic leads in a drama? 

He pretended to think earnestly, but his thoughts were chaotic and running everywhere. He had not been prepared for any of this. To be offered a leading romantic role and then find out the opposite leading role is still open and calls for an actor just like his real life, secret love? 

It felt like the universe was toying with him. He needed to play this cool. How would it look for him to name an actor he’d want to play his on-screen love? Didn’t Yibo submit his headshot? Have they considered him? _Shit, I can’t ask!_

“If I think of anyone, I’ll let you know.” As soon as he said this, he cringed inwardly at his cowardice, fearing he may have missed his chance to tell her how _perfect_ Yibo would be in this role. But he couldn’t think of how to do it without looking suspicious.

She nodded. “I appreciate that. So if it’s okay with you, we will plan to announce tomorrow that you will be playing Wei Wuxian. Congratulations!”

Xiao Zhan smiled and bowed. “Thank you. I’m really honored that you are entrusting me with this role.”

Once outside the building, Xiao Zhan let out a long exhale and leaned heavily against the wall.

He took out his phone and dialed.

“ _Baobao_. I have some news.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> References:
> 
> Yibo says on TTXS that he sends shoes and clothes home: <https://twitter.com/Ventus1821/status/1261021847534989314?s=20>
> 
> There are now countless examples of swapped, shared, and couples clothing and accessories between these two over the years. A small sample:  
> [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WwApUX4CoCY&feature=youtu.be](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WwApUX4CoCY&feature=youtu.be)
> 
> Yibo has been wearing Chanel Bleu for years: <https://twitter.com/yibosrule/status/1260873438178074626?s=20>
> 
> Yibo says in the TTXS episode that aired January 26, 2018 that boys are more childish (幼稚) when they are in love (this is the same phrase as in the chorus of Nanhai): <https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5Naf5_TVxw4>
> 
> Liner notes for the X Nine album “Keep Online - Yes” EP released in February 2018: <https://www.xiami.com/album/yhS41h9fa21?spm=a1z1s.6659509.6856557.12.Pdv2PP>
> 
> Xiao Zhan’s interview for the "Keep Online" album: <https://xzhan1005.wordpress.com/2019/12/10/keep-online-album-interview-xiaozhan/>


	12. Third Time's a Charm

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yibo has never wanted a role so badly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I adore feedback from readers, so please leave comments if you have thoughts, questions, or just want to emote about the boys!
> 
> If you enjoyed this story, you might like this collection of other [short works](https://archiveofourown.org/series/1998622) that live in the same universe.

_**March 2020, Hengdian** _

Yibo was on set, killing some time. He’d been able to fall back into the rhythm of filming reasonably well the day before, and he was feeling more comfortable. The one thing he hadn’t quite prepared for was how to deal with the fact that his fellow cast members clearly had their suspicions about his relationship with Xiao Zhan and were fishing for information. 

They would ask Yibo how he was doing in that leading way that people do when they assume you’re not okay and expect that you’ll open up. He knew they were really asking about Xiao Zhan. But he remembered Han-ge’s advice, put on his professional face and sidestepped the questions, telling everyone he was fine.

But he really was. Things were back on track for _Fei_ , he had picked up some new endorsements, and was working out the final details for participating in some upcoming variety shows. _And_ his _Tian Tian Xiang Shang_ brothers had surprised him the other day by inviting his favorite magician, Eric Chien, onto the show to do a special magic demonstration -- just for him. Yibo felt so overwhelmed by the kind gesture, and it had cheered him up, as they’d intended.

Xiao Zhan was happier these days too, although only relative to where he was a couple of weeks ago. Which, Yibo had to admit, wasn’t really saying much. The downside to Yibo’s upward trajectory was that it threw into sharper relief the shitty situation that Xiao Zhan was still in. Yibo needed to find a way to help Xiao Zhan that went beyond just being a better Wang Yibo. After all, so much of what made him the person he was today was meeting Xiao Zhan.

He was reminded of this because it was March 14, or White Day -- three years to the day when Yibo fell in love with Xiao Zhan at first sight and his life was changed forever. Or maybe it was just the day when the path he was destined to take was revealed to him. It often felt that way, that they weren’t really in control. That they were meant to find and love one another. That they were _inevitable._

Now in costume and full makeup, Yibo retreated to a quiet corner and called up Xiao Zhan for a quick video chat.

“Hey _baobao_. Happy anniversary.”

Xiao Zhan’s adorably goofy giggle burst out of the speakers of Yibo’s phone. Yibo startled and looked around the set quickly, fumbling to plug in earphones.

“Wait, what’s so funny?”

Xiao Zhan smiled through the screen. “We have so many anniversaries, Lao Wang. The first day we met, our first kiss, the day _A-Ling_ started filming, the first day I followed you on Weibo, the first day you followed me on Weibo… Who could have guessed that you’re such a sentimental softie?” His eyes folded into happy crescents.

Yibo’s heart did a little flip. _Ah, that’s why I mark these days. All I do is to make you smile._

“Well, we wouldn’t have all those other days to celebrate without this first one. I just -- I just needed to tell you how... ugh... _grateful_ isn’t really the right word.” He bit his lip, trying not to get emotional while on set. “Every White Day I’m just so happy that I met you.” 

Yibo sighed, hoping Xiao Zhan understood what he was trying to say. _Happy_ and _grateful_ didn’t come close to describing what he felt inside about this day.

But Xiao Zhan was nodding. “I know what you mean, _gouzai_. It’s overwhelming sometimes, thinking about how one chance meeting could have been so consequential.” He smiled softly at Yibo. “It hurts to think about what we would have missed if we had not met.”

Yibo felt his chest tighten, thinking again about how bad things were for Xiao Zhan right now, and how his present situation was inextricably bound up in their shared path. If they hadn’t met, then all the sweetness of the past three years would never have happened. On the other hand, Xiao Zhan also wouldn’t be hiding at home, under siege by people threatening him, slandering him, trying to end his career. 

Yibo wanted to say more, but saw his personal assistant waving to him, trying to get his attention.

“I’m sorry, Ge -- they’re calling me. I’ll call you later to video chat, okay?” He looked around quickly and said in a low voice, “I love you.”

“I love you, too.”

Yibo ended the call, then checked the time. _This will do._ He cued up the post he’d written up earlier and updated his Weibo at 10:20, _yao ni, ai ni_ \-- want you, love you. Just another ad for a new product endorsement, but he had added, “Sweet days, how are you going to live? Why not bring my new friend and me?” _I met my best friend on this day._

He thought of himself on that day in the flower field, struck dumb by the beautiful man who was, three years later, waiting at home for him in Beijing. Maybe he didn’t see his future with Xiao Zhan so clearly in that first moment, but he’d felt its pull on his heart. It took playing soulmates on screen for them both to start trusting in the truth of that connection.

\-------------

_**March 2018, Changsha** _

Yibo was just finishing with shooting an episode of _Tian Tian Xiang Shang_ when he got a call from Xiao Zhan.

“ _Baobao_ , I have some news.”

Yibo knew Xiao Zhan was meeting with the producer of _Chen Qing Ling_ that day, so his heart skipped a beat. “You got the villain role?”

“Ummm... no.”

Yibo sighed. “Ge, I’m sorry. I know you really wanted that part.”

“I didn’t get Xue Yang... they offered me Wei Wuxian. The _lead role._ ”

“Oh wow, Ge, that is amazing! I’m so happy for you! A leading role--” 

And then it hit him. _The lead role in a boy love drama. He would be playing a romantic lead. Opposite another man._ Yibo closed the door to his dressing room and sank down into a chair. His head started to spin.

Xiao Zhan seemed to know where Yibo’s thoughts were going. “Don’t freak out just yet. Listen. The other leading role, Lan Wangji, _hasn’t been cast yet._ They can’t find the right person.”

Yibo was still imagining Xiao Zhan with another man, and was not hearing what Xiao Zhan was saying.

“Yibo, are you still there?”

“Mn.”

“Pay attention!” Xiao Zhan was almost shouting into the phone out of excitement. “They are looking for a very specific person for Lan Wangji. Someone with a cold aura, who can seem outwardly unexpressive, but is passionate inside. And someone ‘ethereally beautiful.’ Yibo! This role is for you -- we could be cast together in the same drama as _romantic leads_.”

This conversation replayed in Yibo’s mind over and over on the way home to Beijing that night. He’d called his manager immediately to ask her to find out whether he was still under consideration for a role, whether she could make sure they looked at him for Lan Wangji. 

His mind anxiously spun through all the possibilities. The role did sound like one that would fit him, but what if he didn’t get it? There was no way he could even hint to Xiao Zhan that he shouldn’t take his first leading role. That just wasn’t an option. Yibo knew, though, that there was a good chance that he would stroke out if he had to watch Xiao Zhan play another man’s soulmate on screen.

But if he won the role… He felt a heady rush, thinking about months of playing Xiao Zhan’s on-screen love, to be able to show openly how he felt about the man, free to do what he needed to convince an audience of the love he felt for him. No hiding. _Zhen qing shi gan. With my true feelings._

\-------------

Yibo was pacing in his apartment the next evening. His manager had assured him he was under consideration for Lan Wangji, and all Yibo could do at this point was to wait and hope for the best.

Tonight, though, he wanted to be the supportive boyfriend and celebrate Xiao Zhan winning his first leading role. The casting decision had been announced earlier in the day, so it was official, a done deal. When he’d read the post online, Yibo had felt both pride and terror. _What if I don’t win the role? Then what?_

Xiao Zhan suddenly burst through the door, apologizing as he threw off his coat and pulled off his shoes.

“Sorry, sorry, the event went longer than expected.” His eyes went soft when he took in the table, set with lit candles and white roses. He strode forward, pulling Yibo in for a kiss.

“Don’t apologize. I know it happens.” Yibo smiled. “Happy White Day. One year since the day that we first met.”

Xiao Zhan clapped his hands to his chest and sighed. “One year... how did that happen so fast?” He kissed Yibo again, and then all Yibo could think about was the feel of Xiao Zhan’s lips on his.

Yibo was getting carried away in their kiss when something beeped in the kitchen. _Oh right -- dinner._ He pulled away reluctantly, laughing to himself as he took in Xiao Zhan’s mussed hair and disheveled clothing. “Dessert after dinner.” He winked.

Over takeout sushi, they toasted to the happy coincidence that, on this anniversary day, both of them had been cast for new projects.

Yibo had just learned that he would be a dance mentor for a new reality program called _Produce 101_. Like _X-Fire_ , _Produce 101_ put aspiring idols through a competition to create a new band -- in this case, a girl group. It said a lot about Yibo’s reputation and dance skills that he would be one of the dance mentors, given that he was only 20.

Xiao Zhan held up his glass. “To the Dance King of Asia!” 

Yibo rolled his eyes at this, but raised his glass and replied, “To my leading man!”

They drained their glasses and looked at each other for a long moment.

Xiao Zhan broke the silence first. 

“Hey, did you know that some people celebrate today as ‘Pi Day’?”

Yibo shook his head. “Why is that?”

“March 14 is 3.14, or _pi_. It’s a mathematical constant with digits that go on without end. So it’s a day to celebrate something that will go on forever.” Xiao Zhan looked at Yibo meaningfully and smiled.

Yibo fixed his gaze on Xiao Zhan. “3.14 also means you’re mine for the rest of my life. _Zhan yi shi._ ” _Zhan for a lifetime. All these coincidences... it has to mean something, right?_

Xiao Zhan blushed, biting his lip and looking down at the tabletop. He never knew what to do when Yibo said things like this, and Yibo loved it, loved the power he had to render him speechless.

After a moment, Xiao Zhan cleared his throat. “So have you heard anything yet?”

“No, not yet. But my manager confirmed they have my headshot and they’ll consider me for Lan Wangji.” Yibo sucked in a breath, his expression suddenly turning soft and vulnerable. “Ge, I--”

“No, don’t -- don’t say it. I feel good about this. Don’t doubt, okay? This is -- this is meant to be.” He smiled and nodded, almost as if he were coaxing a small child to believe in himself, to keep his head up and think positive thoughts.

Xiao Zhan reached out and took his hands. “We’re going to do this. Together.”

_[Today I am happy to have you accompany me!]_

\-------------

Only a couple of days later, Yibo called Xiao Zhan on the verge of tears.

“Ge, they passed on me.” Yibo felt like he was about to hyperventilate.

“What? How can that be? There has to be a mistake. You would make a perfect Lan Wangji!”

“No, my manager just called. I’m - I’m having her submit me again, with a different picture.”

“Did they say why they passed?”

“No.” Yibo bit down on his lips to try to control the rising panic.

“Okay. Are you - are you okay?”

Yibo was definitely not okay.

Over the next week, Yibo tried to remind himself to stay positive, but he was feeling sick to his stomach. His previous nightmares about Xiao Zhan’s Yibo-less future now featured him walking the red carpet with his handsome co-star, someone older who delighted in discussing literature and visiting European museums.

With each passing day, Xiao Zhan’s co-star got taller, had sharper, higher cheekbones, earned a new advanced degree, spoke another language, and cooked ever more elaborate gourmet meals for a beaming Xiao Zhan. Yibo was getting a front seat to his deepest anxieties about his relationship with Xiao Zhan, and he did not like it.

And of course he couldn’t share any of this with Xiao Zhan. The last thing Yibo wanted to do was to make him feel guilty about his first leading role, so instead, he went to the racetrack to practice and to clear his head, and to Yuehua to work through choreography for _Produce 101_. Physical exertion helped, but when the end of the day arrived and he still didn’t know if he had the role, he’d go to sleep worried, and his traitorous imagination would work overtime to dream up new ways to torture him.

He knew Xiao Zhan could see that he was not himself, and was trying to distract him by cooking his favorite foods, playing as many video games as he wanted, or simply dragging him to bed. He was being so sweet to Yibo that he couldn’t help but see it as a kind of downpayment against the prodigious amounts of vinegar that Yibo was sure he would have to drink. But Yibo knew himself -- his jealousy would be bottomless. This would not end well.

Yibo was in Hangzhou to start filming for _Produce 101_ when he found out he’d gotten passed over a second time.

So it was no mistake. They did not want him for this role. His stomach was in knots, and his head was feeling so light he thought he was having an out of body experience. It was already March 24, and he knew Xiao Zhan needed to be in Hengdian on April 16, with script readings and boot camp before that. He couldn’t imagine that they hadn’t picked someone at this late date. Yibo was out of time. It was over.

Not only wasn’t he going to be able to work with Xiao Zhan in a drama like they’d set out to do, but Yibo was going to have to watch Xiao Zhan play the love interest of another man. He’d made himself crazy enough just imagining it the last few weeks; the reality would surely be far worse. And maybe he would lose Xiao Zhan altogether, either to his co-star or, more likely, because Yibo’s untamable possessiveness would be too much for Xiao Zhan to handle. 

_How did this plan go so wrong?_

He was still agonizing over how to break the news when Xiao Zhan called him for a video chat.

“ _Baobao_ , I just heard.”

Yibo frowned. “Wait, what do you mean you just heard? What did you hear?”

“Listen, Yang Xia called me. She said they still can’t find the right actor for Lan Wangji and they’re a little desperate now since we start filming next month.”

“Yeah, no shit. They passed on me again!”

“I know,” Xiao Zhan said, a tinge of excitement in his voice. _What the hell? Why is he so happy about this?_ “She was calling to ask me if I had any thoughts on who could play Lan Wangji, and I - I gave her your name.”

Yibo’s eyes widened. “You did what?”

“I told her that after she’d asked me the last time, I remembered that I’d met you on _Tian Tian Xiang Shang_ last year and that you had the kind of cold aura that she mentioned they were looking for. She said she’d just passed on you a second time because they weren’t sure a variety show host would have the right visuals--”

“ _Seriously_?”

“Yeah, maybe you had too much of a modern feel? Anyway, don’t interrupt! I said she should probably look again, since I thought you had an unusually cold and unexpressive demeanor when I met you--”

“Uh, thanks?”

“Shush. Do you want the role or not? I also made sure to tell her that you were very handsome!” Xiao Zhan grinned at Yibo through the phone, but Yibo was too stressed out to care. 

“So anyway, she said she’d call you to arrange to see you in person. Can you find time in the next few days to get back here for an audition?”

Yibo was stunned. “Wait, I’m getting an audition? She wants to see me?”

“Yes! But you need to wait for her call. You didn't hear it from me. This is important -- she thinks we only met at _Tian Tian Xiang Shang_ the one time. _You don’t know me._ And I asked her not to say anything to you about my giving her your name. Because I don’t want anyone getting the _wrong idea_ about me recommending my own co-star to play my romantic interest.”

Yibo’s head was swimming. His schedule was incredibly tight -- he would be in Hangzhou for another couple of days, going straight to Changsha to shoot _TTXS_ , then bouncing around between Hangzhou, Changsha, and Shenzhen through the first week of April, and that was surely too late. How was he going to fit in an audition in Beijing before then? 

But how could he not?

\-------------

Yibo had a big fight with his manager over his last-minute flight changes, but he got home two days later, on the 26th, and sat down with Xiao Zhan that night to cram. His audition would be the next morning, and then he’d fly to Changsha right after.

“Okay, so Lan Wangji is rigid, sexually repressed, doesn’t say much, has an inexpressive face, is really difficult to get along with--”

Yibo glared at Xiao Zhan. “Explain to me why you thought I would be perfect for this role, again?”

“Because he's supremely talented, has an outwardly cold aura, is one of the most beautiful men in the cultivation world... and he is completely devoted to Wei Wuxian... that’s me.” Xiao Zhan winked at him. “Although Lan Wangji finds Wei Wuxian annoying and infuriating at first--”

“Again, not like me,” Yibo snorted, pulling Xiao Zhan into his arms.

They snuggled up on the couch, getting comfortable. “But then,” said Xiao Zhan, “Lan Wangji falls in love with Wei Wuxian, who is talented and brilliant about everything... except love. You know, I started reading the original novel and it’s a little upsetting how clueless he is about how Lan Wangji feels about him.”

Yibo laughed. “Okay, so now I see why _you_ were cast as Wei Wuxian!”

Xiao Zhan bared his teeth and shook a finger at Yibo. “You--”

Yibo grabbed his wrist out of the air and held it, a lopsided grin on his face.

Xiao Zhan sighed in fond defeat. “Anyway, as the script is written, after Wei Wuxian dies--”

“You die?” Yibo’s eyes widened.

“You spend 16 years pining, but then I’m resurrected, and we’re an inseparable mystery-solving, zombie-killing duo after that.”

“Death, pining, resurrection. And zombies! Cool.” Yibo laughed. “Okay. So what do you think I need to know for the audition?”

“Just remember that Lan Wangji isn’t a talker. You would need to show that you can communicate your love for me with just your eyes and your body... which you’re already good at.” Xiao Zhan raised an eyebrow at Yibo with a flirty smile.

“Now _that’s_ something we have in common.” He took the script from Xiao Zhan, tossing it to the floor as he pulled him in for a kiss.

\-------------

Yibo was a twitchy bundle of nerves when he arrived for his audition the following morning. _I have to have this role. I can’t let anyone take it -- or Zhan-ge -- away from me._ He stared down every man who passed through the office, daring them to challenge him for the role.

When his name was called, he took a deep centering breath, the way he did before he had to perform. He had to look calm and serious, and not let his nervousness show through. _I am Lan Wangji._

He walked into the room where Yang Xia was waiting for him, careful to keep his face neutral, with a barely perceptible smile on his lips. She introduced herself and her assistant, a man he’d just glared at threateningly in the hallway. _This is already going well._ He bowed formally to them both and took a seat.

For several long seconds, no one said anything, and Yibo clenched a fist under the table to try to keep his composure. _Why is she staring at me like that?_

Yang Xia finally spoke, an oddly wondering look on her face. “It’s nice to meet you, Wang Yibo.”

Yibo nodded, still unnerved by the way she was looking at him. “Mn.”

She passed a sheaf of papers to him. “As you know, we asked you here because we’re trying to fill the role of Lan Wangji. You understand this is one of the two male lead roles?” She raised an eyebrow slightly.

Yibo nodded again, meeting her eyes.

“And you know that this is a BL production, yes? I’ll tell you what I told the actor who will be playing Wei Wuxian. That it’s our intention to be as faithful as we can to the source material without running afoul of the censors. So I need to know if you’re okay with portraying a romantic relationship with another man.”

Yibo dug his fingers into his leg to keep from laughing at the idea that he would have trouble playing this role. _But not for just any man, just Zhan-ge. My Zhan-ge. No no no remember you don’t know each other._ He smoothed his face into a calm mask and dipped his head in agreement, adding solemnly, “I understand what the role calls for.”

Yang Xia smiled and gestured to the papers in his hand. “Okay, I know your time is tight, so let’s hear you read this scene.”

Yibo scanned the lines quickly to get a feel for the script. The scene took place in a cave where Lan Wangji and Wei Wuxian were trapped together. It was clear that Lan Wangji was struggling with being in close proximity to someone he found both alluring and completely exasperating. 

When he was ready, he did his read-through with Yang Xia’s assistant, keeping in mind what Xiao Zhan had told him about how Lan Wangji’s cold and severe demeanor hid his growing affection for Wei Wuxian. He didn’t have a lot of lines, so most of his effort was concentrated on controlling his eyes, keeping his face subtly expressionless. 

When they reached the end of the scene, his heart was pounding. He thought about the intimacy described in the script, Wei Wuxian disrobing, tending to Lan Wangji’s wounds, his gentle teasing and flirting. 

He imagined his Zhan-ge throwing himself into the role, as he would for everything he did, training the full force of his charisma and beauty on another man. He clenched his fists again, trying to hold his emotions in check. _I hope that was good enough. It has to have been enough. I won’t survive it if some other man gets this role._

Yang Xia sighed and sat back, a look of relief on her face.

She looked to her assistant, who nodded slightly to her, and then she turned to Yibo with a broad smile. “We would like you to be our Lan Wangji. But I know you have a very busy schedule, and--”

 _Fuck my schedule._ He couldn’t let her rethink anything. “Yes. Yes, I accept. I want the role.” 

Yibo swallowed hard to keep himself from bursting into tears right there. He saw himself sitting in a cave with Xiao Zhan, laughing and goofing around between takes, spending days on end working side by side on set, playing lovers, being lovers. He had a vision of himself on the red carpet with Xiao Zhan, and it hit him all at once.

_I got it. Oh my god, I got it. I’m his co-star now._

_I am Lan Wangji._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> References:
> 
> Yibo describes his summer playing Lan Wangji with the Chinese idiom zhen qing shi gan, or “with my true feelings”: <https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KiMyFylR2J0>
> 
> 2019 interview of Yibo and Xiao Zhan on why Yibo tried so hard to win the role of Lan Wangji: <https://twitter.com/Ventus1821/status/1276783417330262019?s=20>
> 
> August 2019 interview where Yibo says his first reaction to hearing that Xiao Zhan would be playing Wei Wuxian was "Wow, handsome!" and that he'd heard of him before: "Of course, he's so amazing!" <https://twitter.com/summerwind1843/status/1305042435316170753?s=20>
> 
> Joint 2019 interview where the two of them are asked what they thought when they heard they would be co-stars: <https://twitter.com/GusuLan8125/status/1298080746813366274?s=20>
> 
> Producer Yang Xia talks about how she made the casting choices for Wei Wuxian and Lan Wangji: <https://twitter.com/BOJUNYIXIAO_cp/status/1183074721748811777?s=20>
> 
> As late as March 26, 2018, a rumor account was reporting that the Lan Wangji role would be played by actor Xu Haiqiao, and that this "should not be changed again." On March 28, 2018, the same rumor account reported that Yibo would play Lan Wangji...["Yes, it changed again."](https://i.imgur.com/xbxoUAA.jpg)


	13. You Don't Know Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yibo and Xiao Zhan have to play at being strangers on set, and the intensity of the roles they're playing only adds to their confusion.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I adore feedback from readers, so please leave comments if you have thoughts, questions, or just want to emote about the boys!
> 
> If you enjoyed this story, you might like this collection of other [short works](https://archiveofourown.org/series/1998622) that live in the same universe.

_**March 2020, Hengdian** _

The faint sound of an alarm grew in intensity as Yibo woke. He groaned and rolled over, burying his face in his pillow.

“Ge, the alarm.”

The alarm continued, and Yibo flung an arm to the other side of the bed. His hand hit cold sheets, and Yibo blinked his eyes open.

“Zhan-ge?”

He looked around, disoriented for a moment before he realized that he was alone in his hotel room in Hengdian. He grabbed his phone off the bedside table and tapped the alarm off.

He dropped back on the bed, pulling the sheets up to his face and inhaling deeply. 

_Zhan-ge. Home._

Yibo hadn’t known what to make of the package Xiao Zhan had sent. _Clothes, green tea... sheets? Why is Zhan-ge sending me sheets?_ But as he pulled them out, he sensed a familiar presence and understood. 

Wrapped in the sheets at night with his face pressed into the pillow, the scent was so subtle it evoked more of a feeling of both comfort and longing than anything else. When Yibo closed his eyes, he could almost feel Xiao Zhan’s arms around him, his long frame curled warm against his back. 

In the morning, his heart would ache with the realization that Xiao Zhan wasn’t there, but the pain was worth it for those delicious moments of deception just before sleep took over.

Yibo smiled as he recalled his video chat with Xiao Zhan the night before. They'd reminisced about the first time they had met after shooting _Tian Tian Xiang Shang_. It wasn’t supposed to be a _date_ \-- Yibo had just wanted another chance to get to know Xiao Zhan, away from the bustle of the set. Of course, it turned out to be a lot more than that. 

Yibo still wondered what got into him that night -- he had been too shy and anxious to even talk to Xiao Zhan during the taping, but then he’d engineered this whole plan to get Xiao Zhan into his apartment, and made the first move to kiss him, to sleep with him, all after spending only a few hours together. 

Normally it took him forever to warm up to people, to feel comfortable around someone new, but not that night. When he was with Xiao Zhan, everything just clicked into place, like it was a piece of something bigger than the two of them.

Much later, of course, Yibo confessed to Xiao Zhan what he’d done, and to his relief, Xiao Zhan was more impressed than indignant that he’d been played so well. 

> “Hang on, you _planted_ your watch on me?”
> 
> Yibo bit down on his lip, wondering if he’d done the right thing in coming clean. “Yes?”
> 
> “The ‘extra’ food, you coming from a photoshoot looking smoking hot... you set that all up? To get me into your bed?” Xiao Zhan looked incredulous, with a light smirk on his lips.
> 
> “The photoshoot was real,” Yibo protested. “And I didn’t plan on anything other than spending time with you, I swear!”
> 
> Xiao Zhan sat back with his arms folded, narrowing his eyes at Yibo. “I think I’ve underestimated you. I didn’t think you had it in you to be sneaky -- you’ve always just gone with the forward assault, like yelling _Zhan-ge didi ai ni_ at me across the set over and over. I don’t know if I should be worried or turned on.”
> 
> “I - I ...it wasn’t really me being _sneaky_ …” _But now that I know that you like it..._
> 
> “No, don’t apologize,” Xiao Zhan cut in. “I certainly wasn’t going to make the first move, not when you were 19…”
> 
> Yibo slapped him across the arm. “I wasn’t some little kid--”
> 
> “No, clearly you weren’t!” Xiao Zhan laughed, and Yibo felt his heart skip at how beautiful he looked in that moment. “Anyway, I’m relieved you did all that, or where would we be now?”
> 
> Yibo looked at him seriously. “I would have waited for you to come back.”

As he got ready to leave for the day’s shoot, Yibo found himself smiling, thinking about how he would do just about anything to keep Xiao Zhan in his life -- he’d be bold, wait for months, be sneaky. If he had to, he would even pretend he didn’t know him...

\-------------

_**March 2018, Beijing** _

Winning the role of Lan Wangji turned out to be sadly anticlimactic because Yibo had to fly off to Changsha immediately after the audition. He’d had a rushed, ecstatic call with Xiao Zhan in the car on the way to the airport, and even that was cut short because he also had to make sure his manager knew what to do to secure the role for him. 

And he’d need help to sort out his shoot schedule. Serious help. He was already flying all over for _Produce 101_ , _Tian Tian Xiang Shang_ , and several other one-off events and appearances he’d committed to do. Cramming in four months of filming for a leading role in _Chen Qing Ling_ would not be easy, but Yibo was determined to make it work.

Xiao Zhan would also be juggling a suddenly busy schedule. Before he had learned he would be playing Wei Wuxian, he had picked up a small role in another drama that would be filming at the same time. And of course, he still had his X Nine appearances. So instead of celebrating together, Xiao Zhan was flying to Japan to film a music video for the new X Nine album, and Yibo was heading off to shoot _Produce 101_.

_[See you tonight!]_

__

_[New hairstyle_

_See you tonight]_

_  
  
_

_XZ: You’ve gotta stop copying my posts like this_

_Yibo: Isn’t it too late to tell me this now?_

_XZ: I’m pretty sure I’ve said this before_

_Yibo: If anyone ever notices I’ll just look like a creeper_

_Yibo: Your number one sasaeng fan_

\-------------

It was almost a week before Yibo had a chance to see Xiao Zhan and celebrate properly.

“Congratulations, _Lan er-gege_ ,” Xiao Zhan purred, tracing a finger through the sweat on Yibo’s bare chest.

Yibo took his hand by the wrist and kissed it. “ _Lan er-gege_?”

Xiao Zhan rolled his eyes. “You’re never going to read the original novel, are you?”

“I’ve barely had time to read the script, don’t get on me about extra reading.” Yibo threw himself back on the bed and stretched languorously. “You can always let me in on the things I need to know, right?”

“ _Aiyyaa_. Making dirty inside jokes will be a lot less fun if I have to _explain_ them to you first!”

Yibo looked up, suddenly interested. “There are dirty parts?”

Xiao Zhan bit his bottom lip and nodded. “Oh yeah.”

“In the drama?”

“Of course not,” Xiao Zhan laughed. “We’ll be lucky to get any steamy hand-holding in.”

Yibo rolled over and hooked an arm around Xiao Zhan, pulling him close. “So we'll just have to wait until after the director yells ‘cut.’”

“You wish,” Xiao Zhan snorted. “Don’t forget our first acting responsibility -- to play at being strangers when we get there.”

 _Oh. Right._ “For how long, though? I mean, eventually, we will hit it off, so…” Yibo raised an eyebrow and ground his hips against him.

Xiao Zhan grimaced apologetically. “Yeaaahhhh. About that.”

Yibo sat up in a panic. “No. No. Not again.”

“Yibo, what’s going to drive the chemistry between our characters is the feeling of longing, of unreleased tension--”

“No no no no no no... fuck your method acting! I am not going all summer without sex!”

Xiao Zhan burst out laughing. “Oh? Do you plan to be sleeping with someone else? Did you think we were going to be messing around _on set_? Letting people see that we’re good friends is one thing, but we can’t be all obvious about our actual relationship.”

Yibo fell over dramatically, throwing his arms over his face. “No, you can’t do this to me! I thought the whole point of this was to give us a way to _not_ have to keep hiding our relationship, and now I have to pretend not to know you, to see you everyday and not be able to touch you?”

“But now we’re playing slow-burn soulmates. Lan Wangji literally spent almost two lifetimes pining for his Wei Wuxian! Don’t you think a little real-life waiting would help us get into character?”

Yibo grit his teeth. _Awesome. Lan Wangji is great at waiting. Zhan-ge is going to love him._ “Do I really need to remind you how much pining and waiting I’ve already done? I think I know how it feels.”

Xiao Zhan crawled over, taking Yibo’s arms by the wrists and pinning them down on the bed.

“Anyway, maybe you should stop whining and make the most of the time we've got left.”

\-------------

_  
  
_

Yibo’s last-minute addition to the cast meant his schedule was thrown into complete chaos as he struggled to line up all his obligations.

_XZ: You going to make it to the table read and boot camp?_

_Yibo: For the table read, I hope? I’m doing the best I can_

_XZ: Good thing you don’t have many lines_

_Yibo: Fuck you_

_XZ: Be a little nicer!_

When Yibo finally arrived in Hangzhou for the script reading, everyone was already eating in the canteen. _God, I hate these first days. It’s always so awkward._ He sighed and took a seat alone at a table, wishing he could just go find Zhan-ge, but knowing he couldn’t.

“Can I sit with you?”

Yibo looked up and was startled to see Xiao Zhan standing there, holding a tray of food. He was wearing his polite face. _I guess we are already playing our parts._ Yibo slid into the familiar role of “boy who doesn’t like meeting new people” and nodded silently, hiding his eyes under the brim of his baseball cap.

“I’m Xiao Zhan,” he said, taking the seat across from Yibo and flashing a smile. “We met at _Tian Tian Xiang Shang_ last year, remember? I was there with X Nine? Anyway, I’m playing Wei Wuxian, your... uh... _soulmate_.” He giggled nervously. “So, uh... hi?”

Yibo flicked his eyes up at Xiao Zhan with a slight smirk on his lips. _Wow, he’s really going for it._ They’d made half-hearted attempts at role-playing before, but they had always ended in them breaking character and laughing uncontrollably. 

Yibo looked around and saw that more than a few people were watching them. _Oh. We have an audience. They want to see how the leads will interact._ _Okay, then. Showtime._

And so their first scene for the drama was to act out their awkward meeting in the middle of the canteen for everyone to see.

At the table reading after lunch, Yibo tried hard to keep up his cool and indifferent demeanor, but was struggling. He’d never seen Xiao Zhan in this light before, at work, and he was finding this new Xiao Zhan completely fascinating. And so goddamn adorable. When he flubbed his lines, Yibo couldn’t stop himself from teasing him. 

_Am I laughing too much? Is it obvious that I’m crazy about him?_

__

__

Although Yibo knew from their chats during the previous summer how seriously Xiao Zhan took his acting, he really wasn’t prepared for what he saw. It was just a table read, a bunch of plain-clothed actors sitting in a stuffy room, casually running through the script for the first time together, and yet Xiao Zhan seemed to already feel the emotions of Wei Wuxian so strongly that during one pivotal scene he started to cry and couldn’t stop. Yibo felt more than a little intimidated, suddenly concerned about how he was going to match this level of acting with just his eyes. 

And a deeper worry nagged at him. How was it going to be when they were actually filming? When Xiao Zhan had been filming _The Wolf_ , he had pushed himself to his physical and emotional limits in that role, but Yibo had assumed then that it was because he’d felt so much pressure to succeed in his first major role. 

What he saw that afternoon, though, was something else entirely. It was like Xiao Zhan was giving up something of himself to play the part, to _become_ the character. Yibo was suddenly apprehensive about watching his Zhan-ge turn into someone else. 

_At least his character is in love with mine..._

Yibo reluctantly left the set that same day to go to shoot episodes for both _Produce 101_ and _Tian Tian Xiang Shang_. It was less than ideal, but at least being away for a few days would give him some time to get his head around how to behave with Xiao Zhan on set and try to process what he’d seen and felt at the table read. _Maybe if I don’t look at him, my face can’t give it away. Lan Wangji might do the same, so it won’t seem unnatural or weird, right?_

When he finally got back to Hengdian on the day before the opening ceremony, Yibo was exhausted. He’d run himself ragged flying from city to city to meet his dance instruction and hosting commitments while also trying to prepare for _Chen Qing Ling_. On top of his physical fatigue, he was burdened with fears about letting everyone down because he was so overcommitted. 

He felt particularly guilty about _Chen Qing Ling_ because he had missed nearly all of the pre-shoot training sessions that everyone else had invested so much time and energy in, and he hadn’t gotten to bond with any of the other cast members who lined up behind him at the opening ceremony. He knew it was poor form for someone in a leading role, but there was little he could do about it. 

The weirdest part, though, was standing shoulder to shoulder with Xiao Zhan and ignoring him. It felt wrong, to be so close to him and not even look at him, but he wasn’t confident in his ability to hide what he felt, so it seemed like the easiest way to keep his face from giving him away. 

Adding to all his discomfort was the fact that his hair was blue. Not a subtle blue, either. He could see Xiao Zhan stifling a laugh out of the corner of his eye. 

_Which is more ridiculous, Zhan-ge? My hair or this game that we’re playing?_

Yibo was prone on his hotel room bed that night when Xiao Zhan called.

“Hey,” he mumbled.

“Come by my room for a bit?” Xiao Zhan suggested.

Yibo had been on the edge of sleep, but was also craving time with Xiao Zhan after a draining day of having to give him the cold shoulder. He cracked open his door and checked the hall to make sure it was clear, then dashed to Xiao Zhan’s room. Once inside, he fell into his arms, tired kisses quickly building with a kind of desperation, fueled by pent-up urges built up over too many days of absence.

Xiao Zhan stepped back, breathless. “Whoa there, _gouzai_.” He smiled and ran his fingers in amusement through Yibo’s blue hair while Yibo pulled on his shirt in frustration. Xiao Zhan kissed his forehead and massaged his shoulders gently. “First official day on set tomorrow, so... a little distance, okay?”

Yibo groaned but dropped his hands. Suddenly remembering how tired he felt, he slumped sideways onto the stiff hotel couch.

Xiao Zhan joined him, rubbing his back sympathetically. He took out his phone. “Hey, I wanted to ask you about something I saw today.” He flicked through the photo album. "Isn't this the same jacket you lent to me?"

Yibo leaned in, and saw a photo of him from an interview he’d done for _Produce 101_ _._

“Oh yeah.” He brightened and took out his own phone. “Here’s a better shot.”

Xiao Zhan swatted his arm. “Wang Yibo! I wore that jacket on a program I did with X Nine just a few weeks ago!” He swiped through his phone and showed another photo to Yibo.

“Cute!”

“No, not cute! That means we’ve been filmed wearing the same jacket just weeks apart! Before we met here on set!”

"Well you were the one who decided to wear my jacket on camera!" Yibo couldn't resist a laugh.

"You didn't tell me you were wearing it on-air too!"

Yibo stopped laughing, seeing how worried Xiao Zhan looked. He chewed on his lip. “Maybe... our stylists just got the same jacket?”

Xiao Zhan quirked an eyebrow at him. “Really?”

Yibo shrugged. “Well, it could happen! Anyway, I think you’re overreacting. Who’s going to notice what we wore?”

“Maybe you’re right.” He sighed, flipping his phone around in his hands. “I just... I just don’t want everything to get sidetracked by stuff like this… I really want this to go well.”

“I know. You throw yourself into everything you do, and I love that about you.” Yibo took Xiao Zhan’s hands in his. “I didn’t tell you before, but I was kind of blown away at the script reading. How were you able to get so into character at that first reading... to be able to cry like that?” He shook his head in wonder at the memory.

Xiao Zhan looked a little embarrassed. “I... I just feel it or I don’t. I guess I felt it that day.” He shrugged like it was no big deal, but Yibo knew better. He could already see that everything about this drama was going to be a bigger deal than they had planned on.

\-------------

The next morning, they were on the Cloud Recesses set, dressed as teenage students lined up to be punished for something Wei Wuxian had done. Yibo was grateful that his character was too angry at Wei Wuxian to look at him, because the sight of Xiao Zhan in full costume was messing with his head. 

Xiao Zhan would look good dressed in rags, but for this scene he was achingly beautiful in flowing white robes and a long haired wig, looking so innocent and virginal that all Yibo could think about was dragging him off someplace to ravish him. 

Even worse, Xiao Zhan was on his knees next to Yibo, his big eyes and pouting lips working overtime pleading for leniency from Lan Wangji’s stern uncle, Lan Qiren. Everything about Xiao Zhan was setting Yibo on fire. His hands itched to touch him.

So when Lan Qiren accidentally referred to Lan Wangji as Wei Wuxian’s mother, the moment the director stopped the scene, Yibo turned to Xiao Zhan with a wide smile on his face and fell towards him in laughter, one hand reaching out to grab his shoulder, his arm, anything. Xiao Zhan caught his hand in mid-air and pushed him back, but it was already too late. There was no going back to being a distant ice prince for Yibo now.

Any resolve he had would never have lasted the day, anyway. The next scene was shot in Wei Wuxian’s Burial Mounds lair, with Xiao Zhan lying back in his arms, his head nestled against Yibo’s shoulder. 

He was supposed to look down at Xiao Zhan during the scene, and his face was so close he had to fight the urge to kiss him the way he had done so many times before. He settled for holding him close and surreptitiously running his hands over Xiao Zhan’s body when people weren’t looking. 

_What is with this shoot schedule? Why are they literally throwing Zhan-ge at me like this on the first day?_

Later, Xiao Zhan had chastised him for failing to make it through even a half day of filming without getting too familiar with him, but Yibo was frankly relieved to be done with having to play that role. 

“So people will just think we became fast friends, what’s wrong with that?” he’d argued. “Don’t people want to see that we’ve got good chemistry?”

In truth, if Yibo had _really_ wanted to keep up the charade, he could have. He was an actor, after all. But because they had kept their relationship secret all this time, Yibo hadn’t personally witnessed much of Xiao Zhan’s interactions with other people before, and what little he’d already seen around the set worried him. The man was an effortless flirt, and it was having an effect on pretty much everyone. 

Especially Yibo.

Yibo didn’t like seeing how people were drawn in by Xiao Zhan’s radiant smiles and didn’t appreciate how they looked at him and stood too close to him. When they smiled too wide, touched him, or laughed a little too much with Xiao Zhan, Yibo felt himself tense up with the need to _do something_. 

Once, about two weeks into filming, they were shooting a scene in the _jingshi_ and Xiao Zhan’s shirt was falling open, revealing an expanse of bare chest. Yibo was sweating, his eyes fixed on Xiao Zhan’s naked skin and desperately wanting to reach over and tie his shirt closed, to stop anyone else from seeing what was his. But all he could do was to make frustratingly futile gestures with his fingers and eyes to try to get Xiao Zhan to cover himself up. 

He needed to keep people away from his Zhan-ge and being subtle about it clearly wasn’t going to work.

With every passing day, as he got deeper and deeper into his role as the lively and mischievous Wei Wuxian, Xiao Zhan only became bolder and more flirtatious. He was still his Zhan-ge, lovely and kind, and he still had his quiet and serious moments, especially when he was busy trying to study his pages and pages of lines.

But Yibo could tell that Xiao Zhan was giving a piece of himself over to Wei Wuxian.

And in spite of himself, Yibo was falling even harder for Xiao Zhan. His Wei Wuxian was gorgeous, vulnerable, sexy, and brilliant in many of the ways Xiao Zhan himself was, so Yibo found it wasn’t hard at all for him to make Lan Wangji look besotted, ready to fight the world for him.

Yang Xia was obviously thrilled with her casting choice, marveling at how much Xiao Zhan was like the Wei Wuxian she had always imagined, and laughing about how he was like a little sparrow, flitting across the set and charming everyone with his bright smiles and playful manner. 

Yibo didn’t think it was at all amusing. Sure, Xiao Zhan still lavished special attention on Yibo, on and off set, but all Yibo could see was every look and touch that Xiao Zhan gave another person. Desperate to grab all of Xiao Zhan’s attention for himself, Yibo gave up any pretense of restraint and started following him around the set everywhere, partly to keep an eye on him, but mostly because he couldn’t get enough of him. 

_Look at me, Zhan-ge. Play with me._

Yibo quickly found that annoying Xiao Zhan was a particularly effective way to grab his focus. Like when Xiao Zhan finally followed him on Weibo, Yibo smirked and told him he’d think about following him back -- and then left the set for days to shoot _Produce 101_ and _Tian Tian Xiang Shang_. This, of course, got under Xiao Zhan’s skin. 

_XZ: What the hell -- you were the one who wanted us to follow each other on Weibo_

_XZ: Why won’t you follow back now?_

_Yibo: I’m busy_

_XZ: You’re such a little shit_

On the third day, while heading back to Hengdian from Changsha, Yibo followed Xiao Zhan back.

_XZ: Wang Yibo!_

_XZ: 18-4-23??? Yibo shi ai Zhan? Yibo loves Zhan?_

_XZ: Are you crazy? Everyone can see this!_

_Yibo:_

__

_[worthy of me]_

Later, when the official announcement for _A-Ling_ went up on Weibo with their promotional photos, Xiao Zhan reposted it with three apples, in honor of Wei Wuxian’s trusty steed, _Xiao Pinguo_ , or Little Apple. Yibo adorned his own post with three bunny emojis.

When Xiao Zhan saw it, he smacked him in mock outrage. “Lao Wang! You--”

“What? We’ve been filming in Cloud Recesses these past few days and the bunnies are _everywhere_.” He didn’t even bother to hide his smug grin.

“You are such a brat.” Xiao Zhan looked around and hissed at him. “You know very well that my fans call me a bunny!” He was trying to scold him but his eyes were twinkling and his lips were curling up into a sly smile. Yibo drank it in like he’d been dying of thirst.

“Well, then where’s the lie? There are all kinds of bunnies in this drama, and they’re very cute.” He smirked and used the voluminous sleeves of his costume to hide a quick caress of Xiao Zhan’s thigh.

Pretty soon, they were bantering like this between every scene. Sometimes their bickering would end with one chasing the other around the set, or with the two of them slapping each other with hands, scripts, swords, or whatever was within reach. The poor makeup and costume _jiejie_ would try to work through the chaos, but oftentimes they would have to duck and scatter like everyone else once Yibo and Xiao Zhan started getting rambunctious.

For Yibo, the playful violence was one way to release the tension he felt around Xiao Zhan. If he couldn’t actually throw him down and kiss the breath out of him on the set, at least the roughhousing gave him a somewhat socially acceptable way to put his hands all over him, to hear Xiao Zhan’s breath quicken, or to make him cry out his name.

But there was softness too. Yibo loved it when Xiao Zhan would nag him to drink more water, scold him over his hectic schedule and his lack of sleep, or murmur superstitious words of protection to him whenever he had to travel away from set. He’d played the part of the aloof “cool guy” so long, letting anyone fuss over him like this before seemed unthinkable. But from Zhan-ge, it filled a desperate need he had hidden away. 

They’d taken care of each other before, of course. Seeing each other on set was different, though -- now they were there for the exhaustion and the injuries, not just hearing about it afterwards. Yibo could do more than send eye drops from afar. He could buy Xiao Zhan his favorite snacks and force feed him if he thought he wasn’t eating enough, he could take his hand to help him get into a precarious position on set, and he would know without being told if Xiao Zhan was in pain.

It didn’t matter if other cast or crew members were around. As the days went on, they had all gotten used to the intimate touches and talk between the two. And anyway, Yibo _wanted_ everyone to see, so that they knew who Zhan-ge belonged to. 

Weeks into the shoot, Yibo’s mind was starting to get as scrambled as the scene sequences. One morning they’d be students and Yibo’s Lan Wangji would be seething with both aggravation and repressed desire for Xiao Zhan’s Wei Wuxian, and then in the afternoon they’d be catapulted sixteen years into the future, playing adults bonded by trust and a deep but unspoken love.

All of these emotions were already familiar to Yibo. He felt them all the time with Xiao Zhan, even the aggravation, because he always wanted more from the man. More time, more attention, more love, more touch, more everything. 

It was a paradox that seeing Xiao Zhan for long days on set did nothing to satisfy that greedy feeling Yibo felt inside -- that instead, it was growing into a raging compulsion he struggled to control. 

It didn’t help that Xiao Zhan was flirting with him nonstop. Whether the cameras were rolling or not, every look, gesture, pose, and sound he made seemed engineered to arouse, and it was making Yibo a little crazy. Especially since he couldn’t always tell if the hands that sometimes roamed into his robes belonged to Xiao Zhan or to Wei Wuxian.

Or worse, whether those touches and glances were meant for Lan Wangji and not him. 

For a short while, they’d called each other by their characters’ birth names, Lan Zhan and Wei Ying, because it gave their teasing a familiar and intimate feel, just as it did for their characters. But it wasn’t long before Yibo started to dislike the seductive way the name _Lan Zhan_ fell from Xiao Zhan’s lips.

_Hey, Lao Wang, if I married Lan Zhan, I'd be Lan Zhan... isn't that funny? Lao Wang?_

He started to wonder whether Xiao Zhan preferred the regal and intellectual rule-follower _Hanguang-jun_ to the younger, chaotic boyfriend who played him. There was no doubt that Lan Zhan and Yibo had a lot in common, but Yibo’s insecurities lay in the places where they diverged.

One night, they were kicking back in Xiao Zhan’s room, tired and talking about nothing, when Yibo remembered something.

“Zhan-ge, did you ever see this?” He took out his phone and cued up a video he’d done for a magazine. In it, he was reading an excerpt from _The Little Prince_.

He watched Xiao Zhan’s face as the video played, eager to see his reaction, to hear his praise.

Xiao Zhan looked up, his eyes a little misty. “It’s lovely, Lao Wang. When--”

“Oh, I recorded it a few months ago. It came out the day of the opening ceremony and I meant to show you then. They let me pick the reading and I know how much you like the book, so…”

“I love it. And your voice... it’s so... sexy…”

He was giving him _that look_ , and Yibo started leaning in for his reward when Xiao Zhan went on, sighing, “...it makes me think of a quiet night in the _jingshi_ , with Lan Zhan reading to Wei Ying from some ancient text…”

Yibo heard the squeal of car brakes in his head.

Unbidden, an absurd vision came to him, of Lan Zhan gliding along the red carpet with Xiao Zhan. He was elegant and refined and didn’t need heels or lifts or carefully placed boxes to tower over Xiao Zhan. Xiao Zhan was hungrily eyeing his powerful frame, no doubt strong enough to princess carry Xiao Zhan or catch him if he fell out of a tree. 

And then Yibo suddenly remembered Xiao Zhan telling him about how Lan Zhan once stole into the Cloud Recesses kitchen to cook Wei Ying his favorite spicy dishes. _Fuck. The man cooks, too?_ Which Yibo didn’t know because it was in the _extra_ chapters of the novel, for god’s sake. 

Despite Xiao Zhan’s nagging, Yibo hadn’t bothered to pick up the novel because reading wasn’t really his thing, so why would he read anything more than he had to? Surely there were more fun ways to spend his time. And maybe that was the problem -- that Lan Zhan was revealing to Xiao Zhan just how much of a kid Yibo still was.

Yibo could feel his chest constricting and the heat rising to his face, so he mumbled something about an early call in the morning and bolted out of the room. In the hallway, he anxiously ran his fingers through his hair, simultaneously mortified and darkly amused at the ludicrous situation he was in.

_Shit. I’m jealous of my own character._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> References:
> 
>  _Sasaeng_ is a Korean term (literally, _sa_ (사) meaning "private" and _saeng_ (생) meaning "life") that refers to the type of “fan” who aggressively intrudes into the private lives of celebrities.
> 
> Jean jacket worn by Xiao Zhan during a March 29, 2018 program with X Nine: <https://v.qq.com/x/page/s06936acx1j.html>
> 
> Jean jacket worn by Yibo during an April 13, 2018 interview for _Produce 101_ (filmed March 23, 2018): <https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t4bsNqfHP-k>
> 
> Fan-made documentary covering the beginning of _Chen Qing Ling_ filming (password is bjyx): <https://www.dailymotion.com/video/k3vQbIHUocJOffw75oL>
> 
> Everyone on the _A-Ling_ set had a crush on Xiao Zhan: <https://twitter.com/wuji_soty/status/1321138337646739457?s=20>
> 
> Video of Yibo trying unsuccessfully to get Xiao Zhan to close his shirt between scenes: <https://twitter.com/Ventus1821/status/1286859988720263168?s=20>
> 
> Yang Xia describes Xiao Zhan as a sparrow during filming but very quiet in real life: <https://xzhan1005.wordpress.com/2020/04/10/portrait-with-xiaozhan/>
> 
> Xiao Zhan and Yibo fighting on set for no reason: <https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EVBkJBIaQjI>
> 
> Video of Yibo released on April 16, 2018 reading an excerpt from _The Little Prince_ : <https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4OLyV57sgwk>


	14. Midsummer

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lord, what fools these mortals be.
> 
> \--A Midsummer Night's Dream, William Shakespeare
> 
> In other words, a chapter about idiots in love.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I adore feedback from readers, so please leave comments if you have thoughts, questions, or just want to emote about the boys!
> 
> If you enjoyed this story, you might like this collection of other [short works](https://archiveofourown.org/series/1998622) that live in the same universe.

_**March 2020, Beijing** _

Xiao Zhan was feeling hopeful again. He had just finished recording his own cover of an old classic, “Ode to the Red Plum Blossoms” -- part of a government initiative to promote patriotism and lift spirits during the pandemic. 

Admittedly, it wasn’t the most _exciting_ comeback project, but it was _safe_ , and honestly, he was touched to be given an opportunity to sing a song from his beloved hometown of Chongqing. 

For the first time in weeks, he felt inspired to create, and began working on other projects he could tie to the song release. _Old habits die hard_ , he laughed to himself. When he was still working as a designer, he would always propose ways his clients could spice up their promotions for more buzz -- like introducing a new logo at an event with giveaways or other tie-ins that, coincidentally, he could also design for an additional fee.

It felt good, sketching out an essay and doing studies for artwork to go along with the song, all centered on the plum blossom as a symbol of spring and rebirth, of overcoming the adversity and harshness of winter. He hoped it would be inspirational to people suffering difficulties during the pandemic, as well as mark his return to the public eye on a positive and powerfully resonant note. 

And it lifted his spirits to be busy again, to have a reason to get out of bed.

When he had told Yibo what he was working on, Yibo beamed and then promptly embarrassed him with a barrage of over-the-top praise about how he had the most brilliant and creative boyfriend.

It was _so Yibo_ to lay it on thick like this, and Xiao Zhan had ducked his head down under his arms helplessly when Yibo had said it. But if he was being honest, he loved it. God, to have a man as amazing as Yibo genuinely appreciate his love for art and encourage him to flex his skills? It was exactly what he needed right now, when it was just too easy to give in to self-doubt.

It wasn’t that he had ever stopped feeling the urge to create. But once he had set off on this new career path, he had assumed that art would just be something he would do for his own enjoyment and nothing more. Yibo, though, saw the potential for him to use his artistic eye and his intellect to set himself apart from other celebrities. 

_“Who else can do it like you can, Zhan-ge?”_

Xiao Zhan might have dismissed everything Yibo said as just his usual rainbow farting, except for the fact that Yibo himself had charted his own unique path to success. No one was doing it like Yibo.

And there wasn’t anyone Xiao Zhan trusted more.

So when Yibo passed him a lead on a new song he could record, Xiao Zhan knew it would be worth his time.

> “But are you sure you don’t want to record it yourself?”
> 
> “Ge, did you even listen to the demo? It’s such a bright and upbeat melody. Seems much more _your_ brand than mine, don’t you think?”
> 
> “Ah, Bo-ge, how are we even together? Even our tastes in music don’t match!”
> 
> “Isn’t it better that we are like yin and yang? We fit together perfectly. Anyway, how can we dominate the entertainment world if we are exactly the same?”
> 
> “Ha. Wang Laoshi is wise beyond his years. _Sunbae!_ ”
> 
> “Oh shut up,” Yibo laughed. “Well anyway, it’s yours to record now. Rik’s waiting for your call so he can get your ideas on the lyrics.”

It had snuck up on him, how much he had grown to rely on Yibo, especially given all the fears he had had over the years about his youth. But even when he was just 19, Yibo had always insisted on taking care of him. Three years later, and he was still at it.

The real surprise was that Xiao Zhan let him do it. Yibo may have gotten used to being spoiled and cared for by an army of geges, but Xiao Zhan rarely let people get close enough to him for that. He was too stubborn, too independent, too guarded. Until Yibo.

And Lan Zhan.

  
\-------------  
  


_**Summer 2018, Hengdian** _

It was sometime during the first scene on the first day that Xiao Zhan realized that he and Yibo were never going to be able to hang out in public as just bros. That had been the original plan, to be cast together in a drama, get to spend more time together, and be able to pal around China as best friends when everything wrapped.

But now they were playing soulmates -- lovers, if not for the government censors -- and on that first morning of filming, as Xiao Zhan looked over at Yibo, at how breathtaking he was in his white robes, he knew that there was no way the audience would be blind to the electricity crackling between them. How could they not see it, when he couldn’t control his own eyes?

And if they played their parts well, their roles and on-screen chemistry would inevitably fuel speculation and fantasies about a romantic relationship until the day they decided to publicly break the CP. Which, Xiao Zhan knew, Yibo would never do. 

Unless, of course, they were no longer together.

But as the days went by, as Xiao Zhan sank deeper into the role of a man bound over lifetimes to another, he could feel his artist’s heartbeat quickening at the idea of of a love like this, a connection so profound and unbreakable it would transcend even death. _It’s just a drama,_ he would remind himself, but each day he slid back into Wei Wuxian’s skin, something inside him cracked open a little bit more.

He felt it acutely in those first few weeks, dropped without warning into a post-resurrection life, with Yibo’s Lan Zhan exuding an intense, overindulgent love shaped by sixteen years of regret and longing. Wei Wuxian clearly didn’t know what to make of this kind of devotion, didn’t know how to name what it made him feel. Neither did Xiao Zhan, but god did it move him.

Floating alongside the weight of this epic, larger-than-life love story, there was also a lightness, a feeling of freedom he had sorely missed. Xiao Zhan had always been the “Good Boy,” the dutiful son, the hardworking trainee, the unfailingly polite co-star. Though it wasn’t just an act, it was only one dimension of who he was.

There had been times, early on in his idol training, when Xiao Zhan had let people see a sassier side of him, but as the burden of the public eye grew, those days receded into the past. Xiao Zhan learned to wall off the parts of him that didn’t fit with what people wanted him to be -- including his relationship with Yibo, his big secret. His one delicious transgression. 

On the _A-Ling_ set, though, Xiao Zhan was Wei Wuxian, the untamable _Yiling Laozu_ , and he did whatever he wanted. And what he wanted was to flirt with this beautiful boy. So he did, giving Yibo the eyes that he could not resist, the smiles that made Yibo go weak. Playing Wei Ying gave him cover to let his irreverent, mischievous, and playful side run amok on set, with Yibo as his co-conspirator and very willing victim. 

Between scenes, they would tease and shove each other like unruly little boys. When no one was watching, Xiao Zhan found other ways to rile Yibo up, like back him up against walls, invading his space just to cock an eyebrow up at him and then walk away, leaving Yibo wide-eyed, breathless, and, after a beat, trailing helplessly after him. 

It was fun, in a perverse way, especially when all that restless energy sublimated into a kind of controlled violence, with Yibo responding to his provocations (a look might be enough) with flying hands landing with a dancer’s grace to touch or grope whatever could be reached. 

At night, the costumes were shed but the urges remained, almost unbearable as they hung out together in one of their rooms. Alone. Sometimes they would play video games to release the day’s stresses, or they’d run their lines for the next day.

But always there was that tension that threatened to snap. When Yibo was freshly showered and lazing around his room wearing nothing more than a T-shirt and shorts, Xiao Zhan would be in turmoil. Especially when Yibo would turn his eyes on him, silently begging, _please just take me now._

Often Yibo was more insistent that he give up on his method acting ( _How far are you going to take this, Ge? You're already starving yourself...)_ , and Xiao Zhan found that the best way to maintain control in those times was to stay in Wei Wuxian’s headspace and remain stupidly unaware of Lan Zhan’s feelings. 

It worked, surprisingly well. 

He would imagine Lan Zhan playing his drunken games, and then chide Yibo with a teasing, lilting, “ _Lan Zhaaannn_....” He wasn’t sure why, but Yibo would invariably stop whatever he was trying and fall silent. Sometimes Yibo would just go back to his room, leaving them safe for another day, and Xiao Zhan would wonder at the power Wei Ying had over him. Both of them.

Yibo was also gone. A lot. Whenever he left to film his other commitments, all the color would go out of Xiao Zhan’s days. Deprived of his playmate, he'd mope around the set, pouting in character about how he missed his Lan Wangji.

Eventually, though, Yibo would return, always with Xiao Zhan’s favorite snacks, and he could be found wherever Xiao Zhan was, doing whatever Xiao Zhan was doing.

“What are you watching?”

Xiao Zhan didn’t look up, deep in concentration. “Choreography for Happy Camp.” Dance was something he did adequately enough to be in a boy band, but getting the steps down was a source of stress every time he needed to perform.

Yibo watched him juggle his phone on his knees while trying to copy the hand movements. At the end of the video, Xiao Zhan went to replay it, but Yibo snatched the phone away with an exasperated sigh. “No, I’ll show you.”

They stood up, and Yibo fluidly demonstrated the whole routine while Xiao Zhan gaped. “You got that from watching just once?”

Yibo shrugged. “The steps are pretty basic -- you’ll see. I’ve seen you dance before, you can do it.”

“Why haven’t you helped me with my choreography before?”

Yibo turned his eyes on him and replied, with a touch of annoyance in his voice, “You never asked.”

For all the time they'd spent together before _A-Ling_ , they had never run lines for each other, never practiced dance steps together. Xiao Zhan suddenly felt like an idiot, thinking of all the hours he spent in the studio, stubbornly trying to learn his routines on his own. But that was also very on-brand for him -- he was too independent, and hated to impose on anyone. Apparently even his insanely talented boyfriend.

Now private dance lessons filled the time in between scenes and the regularly-scheduled scuffling between the two of them. Xiao Zhan was eternally grateful for the help -- and the excuse to stare at and appreciate how Yibo’s body moved. 

He wondered, too, at how he was turning to Yibo more and more for guidance. He started calling Yibo his _sunbae_ because of his superior experience in the entertainment industry and his obvious skills -- which guaranteed him slaps and the opportunity to learn new Korean curse words. 

But it was true. Yibo had even gotten Xiao Zhan an appearance on _Produce 101_ and coached him through his choreography when he had worried aloud about how he’d measure up against all the contestants with far more dance experience. And he took care of him on set there just as he did every day on the _A-Ling_ set -- like giving him half of his earpiece set to use when he discovered he didn’t have his own.

Watching Yibo in his element, coaching and performing dance routines on the _Produce 101_ set, was both intimidating and a massive turn-on. Though he’d seen Yibo dance before, now that he saw both the raw talent and the incredible work ethic that went into every performance, he was more in awe of the man than ever. 

Here was someone he could let inside the walls he’d built up, someone who would be allowed to see all his vulnerabilities, and to protect him from harm. And then to see that person as Lan Zhan on set, another beautiful, powerful, supremely talented being who had a thing for taking care of the man whose heart had been beating inside Xiao Zhan for the past two months... 

Things were getting complicated.

On the eve of the Dragon Boat Festival, they were shooting a climactic scene, with Lan Zhan dragging an injured Wei Ying along a muddy road in the rain. Lan Zhan had just chosen to stand with Wei Ying against the rest of the cultivation world -- to the end if necessary. 

_The feeling of sticking to the single log bridge till it's dark is indeed not bad._

These words were in Xiao Zhan’s head as he gazed at Lan Zhan, strong and protective, his eyes full of worry at how weak Wei Ying looked. Xiao Zhan was feeling drained too -- he hadn’t eaten well (again) and his eyes were red and burning from the artificial rain running down his face and drenching his clothes. It was too bad that Lan Zhan couldn’t _actually_ pass him spiritual energy to get him through the scene.

In his delirium, he tried to imagine what it would be like to be loved like that. What would Yibo do if the world suddenly turned against his Zhan-ge? 

_Stop. You’re filming a fantasy drama, it’s not real life._ But then the scene ended, and a corner of Lan Zhan’s mouth quirked up into a familiar lopsided grin. Xiao Zhan blinked, and then Yibo was there, reaching out to brush a stray wisp of hair from his face. 

He wiped the water from his sore eyes, suddenly feeling self-conscious. “I must look terrible.”

Yibo’s eyes were soft. “Xiao Laoshi is always beautiful.”

“Liar. Wang Laoshi is more handsome, and never has to look like a drowned rat on set.”

Yibo helped him up. “Bullshit. Zhan-ge is handsome from every angle, no matter what.”

Finished for the day, they argued like that all the way back to the hotel.

Later, after a much needed hot shower, he met up with Yibo to go out for dinner. It was the start of the holiday, so Yibo had sent his assistant ahead to make sure they could get a table.

“Japanese! I haven’t had good sushi in so long. I can’t wait.” He sipped his sake with a sigh.

“Mn. Good. Zhan-ge needs to eat more. You’re really too thin these days.”

“You worry too much. I’m fine. And it will look better on film. Anyway, you should talk. You don’t sleep enough -- your schedule is so punishing! I don’t know how you stay on your feet with so many projects going on at once.”

“You don’t know, because you’re not 20 anymore.” Yibo flashed a smile, and then instinctively hunched his shoulders, waiting to be slapped.

Xiao Zhan picked up his hand to oblige, but remembered they were sitting in a restaurant, not on set with an indulgent crew. He settled for giving Yibo a dirty look.

He stretched, eyebrows rising suggestively as he felt his long legs slide against Yibo’s. Yibo leaned forward across the table, and Xiao Zhan tilted his head, a teasing smile on lips now loosed by too many sips of sake on a still-empty stomach. “What are you thinking, Lao Wang?”

“I’m thinking,” he said, in a low voice that Xiao Zhan struggled to hear above the din in the restaurant. “You should know that there were paparazzi outside the restaurant. I’m pretty sure they took some photographs of us.”

“ _Aiyaa_ , Lao Wang is such a big star, the paparazzi follow him!” Xiao Zhan giggled, yelping when Yibo playfully kicked him under the table. 

“They’ve probably left already... disappointed to only catch two bros getting dinner together.” They stared at each other in silence for a moment, then burst into laughter.

_If they only knew._

Xiao Zhan wondered if they’d been caught on any of the other occasions they’d stolen away to get dinner together, or when they went into town to get snacks, gone running together in the morning, or, god forbid, when they’d snuck off to some corner of the set for some alone time.

But Yibo always seemed to know when there were fans taking pictures around the set, and he would warn him if they were being watched. It was like he had a sixth sense for cameras, honed by so many years of living in the spotlight.

“How do you always see them?”

Yibo exhaled deeply, sipping his sake. “You’ll learn to see them soon enough.”

Xiao Zhan laughed a little too loudly. “But I’ll never be as big a star as…” he looked around dramatically, and stage whispered, “ _Wang Yibo_.”

Yibo’s eyes turned serious. “You’re going to be a big star, Ge. When _The Wolf_ airs, you’ll see.”

This elicited a snort from Xiao Zhan. “Lao Wang, are you even human? Why do you have to mock me all the time?”

“I’m not mocking you. I’m being honest.”

“ _Aish_ , Yibo, you don’t know what you’re talking about. You weren’t there during filming, so you can’t say things like that.”

“I don’t need to have been there, Ge. I can tell from what I see on our set. Your visuals... they’re ... I mean, you’re _so handsome_ , and you’re an amazing actor too.” He smirked. “It’s all I can do to try to keep up with you in our scenes. You’re... perfect.”

“ _Waaaahhh_ …” Xiao Zhan swayed a bit in his seat, head slightly foggy from the sake and the rush of blood to his face that happened whenever Yibo praised him like this. He could feel a stupid grin blooming on his face, but couldn’t stop it, or the giggles bubbling up.

Yibo reached across the table to take the sake cup from him, and tossed it back in one gulp.

_So hot._

\-------------

“Take a picture for me?”

They were back at the hotel, in Xiao Zhan’s room, relaxing after dinner. Xiao Zhan handed his phone to Yibo, and fell back on the hotel couch to pose with some of the _zongzi_ they’d gotten on set that day.

Afterwards, he picked one of the pictures Yibo took, and spent some time fiddling with it and another photo of _zongzi_ he’d taken during the promotional shoot they’d done for the Dragon Boat Festival. Xiao Zhan, dressed as Wei Wuxian, had tossed _zongzi_ over and over to Lan Wangji, but Yibo kept dropping them. 

_Aiyaaa, Lao Wang! Lan Wangji would never be so clumsy!_

_Maybe if Xiao Laoshi weren’t so distractingly handsome…_

_Wang Yibo!_

He felt a tug on his shirt, interrupting his thoughts. “Zhan-ge, stop playing with your phone and pay attention to me.”

Xioa Zhan swatted the now-wandering hand away. “ _Ai!_ I am running out of time to post this.” He tapped on his phone for another minute, and then handed his phone to Yibo.

_[Happy Dragon Boat Festival! Happy to finish early! Don’t forget to eat zongzi!_

_Kadian: 20:18, 爱你一博 ai ni Yibo (love you Yibo)]_

  
  


Yibo read the post, then turned to Xiao Zhan with wide eyes. “ _Ai ni Yibo_? You - you did _kadian_ to say ‘Love you Yibo?’” 

_Oh I love that face. He is so beautiful._ Xiao Xian pulled him into his arms. “Why do you look so surprised?”

“I - I thought you didn’t want anyone to know.”

Yibo’s eyes were wet, and Xiao Zhan felt a pang of remorse that maybe he hadn’t been doing enough to feed Yibo’s need to be acknowledged. Xiao Zhan hugged Yibo closer and laughed. “As if people on set haven’t yet guessed what’s going on with us?” _God, our poor castmates. And the crew!_

“Anyway,” he went on, “we can always play dumb with the _kadian_. Or maybe we can call it fanservice. People will want to imagine that we are real life soulmates, right?”

Yibo suddenly pushed away, his face a mask of disgust, as if Xiao Zhan had just tossed a bug at him. “No. No fanservice.”

“Why? You don’t want to encourage a CP for us?” He was surprised at how much Yibo’s reaction hurt. _What’s wrong with being tied together in the public eye? Isn’t this what he always wanted?_

“I only want to do what’s real. I’ve done fanservice before -- you have too! -- the flirty, playacting stuff they make idols do with each other to get fans all excited.” His tone was heated, resolved. “I’m not doing that with you.”

Xiao Zhan reached for Yibo’s hand. “But _you_ know I’m not playing, right? The _kadian_ says something real--”

Yibo cut him off, eyes intense. “Then don’t ever tell people it’s just fanservice.”

“But I can’t... we can’t--”

“Promise me.”

 _Ah, Yibo, I wish I could be as brave as you are._ “How about…” He thought carefully. “How about I just tell people we are really good friends?”

“Just as long as you never suggest that you’ve ever lied about us, okay? Because that’s what fanservice is.”

Xiao Zhan planted a kiss in Yibo’s hair. “Okay. I promise.”

They sat in silence for a few minutes, leaning into each other. 

Xiao Zhan stirred first. “Oh, I have something for you.”

Yibo perked up, his eyes wide with anticipation. “Something for me?”

 _Cute! He just loves to be spoiled._ “Yeah... I was feeling bad that we never got to do anything together for 520…”

“No don’t -- we were both so busy! You had your concert and I was shooting that music video. Don’t feel bad.”

“Yeah, but I ummm... I also kind of screwed up _last_ year for 520--”

“Oh, that’s right... you did!” Yibo ducked, laughing his gremlin laugh as Xiao Zhan swung a cushion at his head.

“Do you want your gift or not?”

“Yes! Gimme.”

Xiao Zhan got up and went to his closet. “So… I was thinking maybe we could celebrate our own thing this year. Have our own special day. Next year, 520 on the lunar calendar is June 22, which is pretty much the midpoint of the _A-Ling_ shoot schedule and also close to midsummer’s day--”

Yibo laughed. “What are you even talking about?”

Xiao Zhan ignored him. “And I _might have_ consulted a fortune teller for advice on an auspicious day--”

“Wow.”

Xiao Zhan glared at Yibo, who was biting back the urge to mock him for his superstitiousness.

“Brat. You’re making fun of me when I’m trying to do something nice? See if I ever do it again.”

Yibo’s voice immediately went soft and syrupy. “Oh Ge, don’t say that. I just like to tease you. You’re adorable when you’re mad at me.”

“You _like_ making me mad?”

Yibo nodded. “I kind of do. Because it means I matter to you. And that you trust me.”

Xiao Zhan faltered, struck by how Yibo’s simple statement said so much. “What - what kind of masochistic nonsense is that?”

“Ge, you’re always so _fucking polite_ to everyone. Except me. I mean, I never want you to be cruel to me, but you let me know how you _really_ feel, even if you’re pissed at me. Everyone else can have well-behaved, polite Xiao Zhan... only I get spicy Zhan-ge.” 

Yibo was sprawled on the couch, looking _so smug_ \-- if they were on set, he would have swatted him with a script or something, but now that it was just the two of them, he just wanted to kiss him. Kiss him for being one of the only people in his life who really saw and accepted him. Not only accepted. _Loved._

He strode back to the couch, package in hand, and sat down again. “You’re really amazing, Yibo, you know that? I don’t deserve you.”

“Don’t ever say that, Ge. You deserve everything.”

“Well... now this gift seems wildly inadequate,” he said, weighing it in his hands.

Yibo happily snatched the package from his hands. “I love everything Zhan-ge gives me.” Just as he was about to tear into the wrapping paper, though, he stopped. “Oh, but wait, is today our special day?”

“No, June 22.”

Yibo’s shoulders slumped. “But I’m not going to be here on the 22nd. I leave tomorrow morning, remember?”

“I know. It’s okay...we kind of celebrated it today, with dinner out. And really, it’s not that big a thing…” He waved at the package, urging Yibo on.

Yibo didn’t need more prompting, ripping the paper and pulling out a sporty white shoulder bag emblazoned with the Nike logo. He fingered a bright silver keychain hanging from it, spelling out YIBO in bold letters.

Xiao Zhan scratched his ear nervously. “It’s a um... bag I found that I thought would suit you…I know you like the brand. I had the keychain made... you can take it off if it’s too conspicuous.”

Yibo looked up with a smile. “I love it, it’s perfect. Thank you, Ge.”

“I just want to make you happy.”

Yibo leaned forward and kissed Xiao Zhan softly. “I am happy.” 

He pressed Xiao Zhan back on the couch, their kisses growing more heated, hands roaming everywhere.

Xiao Zhan started to pull back, but Yibo cupped his face in his hands. “No, please. Don’t send me away...let me stay. I miss this so much.”

Xiao Zhan’s voice was low and ragged. “I... I don’t want to hurt you. I know I am not really myself these days, and I--”

“You won’t hurt me. I know you won’t. And I need you. It’s too hard, being with you every day and--”

Xiao Zhan suddenly snorted and started laughing uncontrollably.

Yibo sat up, annoyed. “What the fuck, Ge?”

Xiao Zhan shook his head, unable to respond, breathless and wheezing.

“What is wrong with you? I’m trying to tell you how hard it is to…” He gasped and started hitting Xiao Zhan, stifling a smile. “You dirty old man! I’m trying to be all heartfelt and you - you--”

He lunged at Xiao Zhan and they rolled off the couch, giggling. 

Yibo pinned Xiao Zhan to the floor with his body. “Naughty Ge!” _*slap*_ “Shameless!” _*slap*_ “Yellow!”

Laughing, Xiao Zhan caught his hand before it connected again, and time stopped as they stared at each other, breathing hard.

“Yibo.”

“Yeah?”

“It’s... really too hard.” He giggled again. “The floor... it’s too hard.” He smiled, then reached up and stroked Yibo’s cheek. “Let’s go to bed.”

\-------------

The sun hadn’t quite risen yet when Xiao Zhan woke to soft kisses. He blinked his eyes open and saw Yibo sitting on the edge of the bed, fully dressed.

He pouted. “You’re leaving already?”

“Yeah. Early flight. I’ve already showered, packed, and everything... you slept through it all.”

“Mn. You wore me out.” He stretched out in the bed, catlike, a satisfied grin on his face.

“That’s what you get for making me wait so long, Ge.”

“You make it sound like it was meant as punishment! Maybe I should make you mad more often,” he said in a sleep-husky voice. “Luckily I don’t need to get out of bed anytime soon today.” He eyed Yibo. “You went back to your room to pack but you’re wearing the same clothes as last night?”

Yibo tugged on his shirt. “Smells like Zhan-ge. For when I’m gone.” He held out his hands. “Will you…?”

“ _Aiyaa_. Weren’t you making fun of my superstitions last night?”

“It makes me happy that you think of me, so I won’t make fun of you anymore. Please?” He held his hands out again, and Xiao Zhan took them, murmuring quiet incantations for Yibo’s safe travels.

“I always think of you. Come back to me soon, okay?”

“I will.” Yibo pressed a kiss to his lips and was gone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> References:
> 
> Rik Annema was the principal composer and lyricist for Xiao Zhan’s new single, 光点, or Light. He was also the principal composer and lyricist for Wang Yibo’s 2019 single, Lucky. <https://twitter.com/Ventus1821/status/1253778227866112000>
> 
> Xiao Zhan flirts with Yibo during a joint interview: <https://twitter.com/ruanerrr/status/1301043946777317377?s=20>
> 
> Yibo was given the direction that Lan Zhan has "overindulgent love" for Wei Ying after he is resurrected: <https://twitter.com/ohsonsaeng/status/1233641565681094656?s=20>
> 
> Yibo helped Xiao Zhan learn dances while on set for Chen Qing Ling: <https://twitter.com/BOJUNYIXIAO_cp/status/1174285595134189568?s=20>
> 
> Xiao Zhan and Yibo pretended not to know each other when they shot an episode of Produce 101 together: <https://twitter.com/nahz_oaix/status/1268041925619138560?s=20>
> 
> Yibo shared half of his earpiece set with Xiao Zhan during Produce 101: <https://twitter.com/redyibo/status/1317278648563453952?s=20>
> 
> Xiao Zhan’s Produce 101 performance: <https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DFQanT34lVg>
> 
> They both did KFC promotional posts on May 19, 2018 ([Xiao Zhan](https://i.imgur.com/FId0Pkt.jpg)) and ([Yibo](https://i.imgur.com/MZt0Shh.jpg)). Yibo also did a promotional event: <https://www.bilibili.com/video/av85928726/>
> 
> X Nine’s 520 concert in 2018: <https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AMS6xY-548E>
> 
> The white Nike bag that Yibo carries everywhere made its first appearance June 19, 2018: <https://twitter.com/fefedove/status/1293467161558577153?s=20>
> 
> Yibo was pretty happy on the Happy Camp set June 19, 2018 (the day after the Dragon Boat Festival dinner): <https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=azi7kf08CnI>
> 
> After shooting Happy Camp, still wearing the same clothes from the night before: <https://twitter.com/Wujuniq143/status/1009091898676600832?s=20>


	15. Things Fall Apart

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Everyone has their breaking point.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I adore feedback from readers, so please leave comments if you have thoughts, questions, or just want to emote about the boys!
> 
> If you enjoyed this story, you might like this collection of other [short works](https://archiveofourown.org/series/1998622) that live in the same universe.

**_March 2020, Hengdian_ **

When Yibo had been attacked online the previous fall, the bullying had lasted eight days and eight nights. Back then, it had felt like an eternity, but Xiao Zhan had been there, promising him that it would pass. And it did.

So in the days after 227 first erupted, Yibo would remind Xiao Zhan of those eight days and nights, to reassure him -- and himself -- that this would also pass. But then eight days became two weeks, and then three. As the crisis raged on, Yibo stopped comparing it to what he had gone through, even as he hoped that one day it would just end as it had for him.

_Any day now. Please let that be true._

Yibo was reciting this prayer in his head as he fidgeted in the van headed back to his hotel, his stomach in knots. All day, between scenes, he’d sent Xiao Zhan sweet texts and voice messages, but they had gone unanswered. In the afternoon, his calls went to voicemail, and now it was late at night and he still hadn’t talked to Xiao Zhan. 

His inability to reach Xiao Zhan had sent his mood from mild disappointment to annoyance to worry to his current panicked state. He didn’t like to dwell on it, but there were times over the past weeks that Yibo’s mind went to dark places. 

He knew how strong Xiao Zhan was. He was the strongest person he knew. But everyone has a breaking point, and when Yibo was feeling particularly helpless and upset, he would imagine… _No, I’m not going there. Zhan-ge is fine. He’s fine. He’s been busy. Or he’s just sleeping. Everything is fine._

\-------------

**_September 2018, Changsha_ **

_Zhan-ge is fine. He’s fine. Everything is fine._

It had been a week since _A-Ling_ wrapped, and Yibo was just starting to feel somewhat normal again. He’d been an emotional mess when he’d returned home to Beijing and it hit him that that was _it_ \-- he wasn’t going to be playing Lan Wangji anymore, wouldn’t be spending long days at Xiao Zhan’s side on set, free to show his true feelings for the man. 

He had struggled to put his feelings into words in his Weibo post the day after the wrap. He couldn’t say what he really wanted to say about what the summer had meant to him, and yet once he’d posted, he had to laugh at how uncharacteristically long-winded he’d been.

[ _Kadian: 11:13, 要你要战, or yao ni yao Zhan (want you want Zhan)_ ]

_I just got back to Beijing._

_Reluctant._

_Four months of filming ended._

_This would count as me filming a period drama for the first time._

_The ones who film in period outfits in summertime are the steel warriors!_

_At times you panic over having too few lines haha…_

_And you will see super huge mosquitos biting you._

_From Mr. Bloated to an expert who can get rid of bloating._

_Lots of unexpected situations that need solutions._

_The coworkers in the filming crew are like family._

_You’ve definitely worked hard!!!_

_I will never forget all the little things!_

_Hope that the efforts you did for me are worth it…_

_Goodbye,_

_Lan Wangji, Chen Qing Ling_

  
  


The summer of his dreams was over.

But he didn’t have time to dwell on it now -- he had to leave again almost immediately for _Tian Tian Xiang Shang_ and other work that had been piling up. Being busy would help him deal with the sadness he was feeling, but it also meant a week away from Xiao Zhan.

And he was worried about him.

When the other cast members would joke about how perfectly he and Xiao Zhan had been cast, Yibo shook his head, thinking about how often people missed the most heartbreaking parallels between Wei Wuxian and Xiao Zhan. 

Yes, Xiao Zhan was beautiful and bright and magnetic, but he was also like Wei Wuxian in that they were both loners with a bad habit of not sharing when they were hurting, even with -- no, especially with -- the people who loved them best.

So in sharp contrast to Yibo’s novel, Xiao Zhan’s post had seemed almost flippant.

_That’s a wrap, random notes!_

_This summer will be remembered!_

[ _Kadian: 8:22, 博爱爱, or Bo ai ai (Bo love love)_ ]

Embedded in the post, though, was a poignant letter to Wei Wuxian:

_A-Xian, these 4 months I’ve shared your happiness and pain, everyday laughing and crying and now it’s time to say farewell. Hopefully when we part, you will still be that brilliant youth carrying the world on your shoulders. Xian Xian, I will only walk with you until here. Remember to treat yourself well, don’t force yourself beyond your abilities, and take care of your loved ones. Take care!_

Xiao Zhan _loved_ Wei Wuxian. Lived him. Yibo knew how much he studied and admired him, and then he watched him disappear into the man over months. This was what made his portrayal of Wei Ying so real -- and what was making it so hard for Xiao Zhan to step out of the role now that it was all over.

By now, Yibo knew Xiao Zhan’s face almost better than his own, and he could tell from their video chats that he was struggling, even as he insisted he was doing fine at home alone. He could see it in his eyes, and in the way his smile was a little forced. 

Maybe he just needed more time. After all, Yibo had seen this coming for weeks.

\-------------

**_Summer 2018, Hengdian_ **

Everything was more intense after the Dragon Boat Festival.

Yibo returned to set after almost a week away, nearly vibrating with the need to be back with Xiao Zhan. When he finally located him, though, he was busy laughing with the rest of the cast members, looking radiant. 

Yibo could feel his chest warming with pride that that beautiful man belonged to him -- and also with petty resentment that other people had taken his place, getting the smiles and attention he’d been missing so much. _Mine_.

He needed relief from the restless, greedy energy roiling inside him if he was going to be able to function on set, so he swept up to Xiao Zhan, took his arm, and mumbled something about how he needed his help with lines. Xiao Zhan looked up with surprise that Yibo was back, but obediently followed his lead.

“Wait, where are we going? You just wanted to run lines?”

Yibo said nothing, half-dragging Xiao Zhan by the arm back to the dressing rooms. He opened one of the rooms, pulled Xiao Zhan in after him, and shoved him against the door, slamming it shut as he pressed their bodies together and kissed him deeply.

“Missed… you… missed this… want… you…” His hands fumbled, trying to get past the layers of costume.

“Shit, Yibo… ah… they’re going to… scene… soon… ahh…”

It was so risky, but Yibo didn’t care. He was like an alcoholic on a bender after that fateful “just one drink,” and now he couldn’t stop. Didn’t want to, either. Having Xiao Zhan available to him like this was just too tempting.

A summer like this might never come again. Given how the Chinese film industry was, they were unlikely to ever be cast in another BL drama, and certainly not together. 

And even if they got another chance to act together again, _A-Ling_ would always be special. When Yibo had so desperately chased this role, he knew that he would be asked to act like a man in love, but even he couldn’t have imagined that the director would have been yelling at them to “be more intimate,” as he did just a couple of weeks back. 

They had been filming a scene in a boat, with Xiao Zhan lying in Yibo’s lap for what seemed like hours. Yibo’s legs were going numb, but the director wanted them to get even closer. _Any closer and this definitely won’t pass the censors._

Xiao Zhan was giving him those looks of his, and when he crooned, “Lao Wang you are so great,” all Yibo could think about were the times he’d praised him like this in bed. Xiao Zhan no doubt felt where Yibo’s mind had wandered, because he quickly got out of Yibo's lap, saying he would give Yibo “space to relax.” 

Yibo tried to clear his thoughts by looking anywhere but at Xiao Zhan, and suddenly noticed Yubin sitting at the end of the boat, clearly wishing he were elsewhere. _Sorry, man. Blame the director._

But now he didn’t want to relax -- not when he could have Xiao Zhan in a dressing room. And he was done wasting the days he had left on set with him.

\-------------

It was Yubin who brought it up first, as they were waiting to reset a scene between Wei Ying, Lan Zhan, and Yubin’s character, Wen Ning. Xiao Zhan had barely stepped away when Yubin whirled around to face Yibo with a wide grin on his face.

“So, congratulations, yeah?”

Yibo frowned. “For what?”

“For finally wearing him down.” Yubin gave him an impish smirk. “We had a pool going. I lost, though -- I thought he would have given in to your charms weeks ago. Haikuan got closest -- I guess brothers always know best, even fake brothers.”

Yibo gulped, trying to keep his face neutral and his voice casually light. “You - you - _what_?”

“Oh come on, man. You think we haven’t noticed how you look at him? Not that anyone blames you, but you’re not exactly subtle about it.”

Yibo’s mind was racing, trying to think of an appropriate response. Nothing.

Yubin smiled, clearly enjoying Yibo’s discomfort. “So… Dragon Boat Festival, right?”

 _Fuck._ Yibo could feel his jaw clench involuntarily. 

“Way to go, man!” Yubin raised his hand, but all Yibo could do was to glare at it. This only seemed to encourage Yubin. “I mean, ZhanZhan was just _glowing_ when we all came back to set after the holiday...”

 _He was glowing?_ Yibo had to fight to keep his lips from curling up at the thought that he was responsible for that.

Yubin was still talking, clearly happy to show off his deductive skills. “We were all feeling a little bad for you, man, you were pining so hard. But since the holiday break… well....” He paused, and nodded sincerely. “Happy for you. Really.”

\-------------

“They had a fucking _pool_ , Ge!”

Xiao Zhan laughed. “A fucking pool… that’s… actually pretty funny, given what they were betting on...”

Yibo pulled the pillow from under his head and hit him with it. “And then Yubin made fun of me for how hard I was pining for you…”

“And you thought method acting was crap. But see how effective it was? You managed to convince everyone you’d never hit this before.” He grinned as he swept his hands down his body, naked under the sheets.

“Oh my god, you are so embarrassing! Anyway, I’m glad that’s over. And now everyone knows that all of this,” Yibo murmured, laying kisses down Xiao Zhan’s chest, “is mine.”

“Yours.”

Yibo’s heart quickened at this simple declaration. He looked into Xiao Zhan’s eyes and his breath caught in his chest. They’d been together more than a year now and he still had that effect on him. 

If anything, Yibo was feeling everything more intensely than before. Maybe it was the roles, the stress of filming, or maybe something else that was putting them in uncharted emotional territory.

Whatever it was, Yibo felt like he was losing his balance around Xiao Zhan. Again.

That much was clear when Xiao Zhan left to film scenes for another drama, and Yibo was so irritated and out of sorts in his absence that he picked a fight with him the next morning when he returned to set. 

Xiao Zhan had even brought him a special breakfast as a treat, but Yibo was still angry for reasons he couldn’t explain, and they ended up bickering on a boat between scenes while bewildered staff recorded them.

Xiao Zhan eventually managed to coax him out of his bad mood by hurling both insults and praise at him, and by showing genuine concern for Yibo’s physical exhaustion and some new injuries to his knees. Yibo, suddenly ashamed, launched into a torrent of apologies. 

Afterwards, he’d pulled Xiao Zhan into a dressing room to apologize again, on his knees.

That night, Yibo was half-asleep in Xiao Zhan’s lap, enjoying the sensation of fingers gently combing through his hair.

“What’s gotten into you, _gouzai_? Why were you so… irritated with me today? Did I do something wrong?”

Yibo sighed. “I don’t like it when you’re away.”

Xiao Zhan shoved his shoulder. “ _Psssshhhh_ , Yibo -- that’s not fair. I was gone for one day. One. How many times have you left me, for days at a time? Are you going to be like this every time I need to leave to shoot for _Joy of Life_?”

“I know where you are and who you’re with when I leave… and our castmates… well, now they know. And this other set -- they don’t know. About me, I mean. And… you mentioned you - you have a shirtless scene...” As soon as he said this aloud, Yibo felt ridiculous, but it was too late now.

“Ah Yibo. You still trust me so little?” Xiao Zhan said this with a smile, but his eyes were sad, filled with disappointment.

Yibo sat up, taking Xiao Zhan by the shoulders. _Goddamn it, I can’t say what I mean and now I’m making him feel like he did something wrong._ “I trust you, I do! But - but I don’t know your other co-stars, and I - I’ve seen how people here react to you, and--” 

Xiao Zhan’s laugh was soft and breathy. “Oh, they’re just reacting to Wei Ying being playful and fun, and believe me, Yan Bingyun is _nothing_ like Wei Ying!”

“No, Ge, it’s you. You don’t know the effect you have on people around you. So...” Yibo crowded his way back onto Xiao Zhan’s lap. “That’s - that’s why I feel so anxious when you’re away from me. I’m - I’m sorry.”

Xiao Zhan exhaled heavily. “I don’t know what you want me to do, Yibo.” Yibo could hear the hurt and resignation in his voice. “There’s no one else I want but you. But if you think I’m encouraging other people… if you think I’m so - so _weak_ that I can’t tell someone no...” Yibo's worry had plainly tripped a nerve, causing Xiao Zhan's tone to rise in sharpness. He took a deep breath and stopped himself from finishing his thought, leaving his words to hang like a dark cloud over them.

Yibo panicked, realizing how his words had come across.He wrapped his arms around Xiao Zhan’s waist, but he could feel him slipping out of his grasp, even as he held on tighter. “Ge, no… you’re perfect just as you are! I shouldn’t have said any of that, I’m not blaming you… I’m being silly, don’t… it’s not your fault…”

Xiao Zhan gently unwound Yibo’s arms and pulled away. “I think I just need some time to myself tonight, okay? Can you…”

Yibo nodded, biting down on his lips to keep the tears back as he shuffled to the door. _God, I really messed this up._

The next day, Xiao Zhan was more quiet than usual, and Yibo despaired, knowing his fumbled effort to explain his chaotic emotions had only succeeded in making Xiao Zhan feel bad about being himself. It wasn’t his fault that people felt drawn to him, and did Yibo really want him to hide his light? Just so he could feel less insecure?

They were filming in the Guanyin temple that week, with many hours spent sitting together in relative silence as other action was staged around them. Yibo did his best to try to smooth things over, not with words, but by being sweet, bringing Xiao Zhan snacks like his favorite frozen ice treats (carefully defrosted, just so, to make them easier to eat), or just stroking an arm or his back. 

Yibo breathed a sigh of relief when Xiao Zhan’s liveliness returned, and they were goofing around together again, teasing one another or finding excuses for physical contact, like taking turns pretending to defend one another from attacks, or simply leaning into each other, their fingers laced together where no one could see.

And he was back in Xiao Zhan’s room at night. These days were happy ones.

“You know, you might want to tone things down a little,” Xiao Zhan laughed as he held Yibo one night.

“Never.”

“Really, it’s a little much to be yelling “ _Zhan-ge didi ai ni_ ” at me across the set, don’t you think?

“No. It feels good to say it.” Yibo grinned. "And now I have my wo-wo back." He traced Xiao Zhan's dimples with his fingers.

“ _Aiyaa._ ” Xiao Zhan ruffled his hair. “At least don’t give away too much? Like the stunt with the selfie?”

“You started it by complaining to everyone about the selfies I sent you. You deserved it.”

“Okay, but did you have to use a photo I sent you last year? Doesn’t that raise questions?”

Yibo rolled his eyes. “Ge, you posted that ‘pouty mouth’ selfie on Weibo. Anyone can pull it up.”

Xiao Zhan had a point, though. The post was almost a year old, from a time when they weren’t supposed to have been in touch.

And this was one of the posts that Yibo had responded to with a post of his own, with a sneaky connection to Xiao Zhan’s post. Buried in his _Death Note_ -themed post was a tiny Kumamon sticker on the back of his phone, mirroring the Kumamon in Xiao Zhan’s post.

“Well,” Yibo drawled, “at most it just shows I was obsessed with you. Just as I am now.”

\-------------

At the end of July, they went back to Beijing for a joint photoshoot for _Bazaar_. When they’d first started filming, Yang Xia had warned them that there was always a chance that _A-Ling_ might not even air because of the BL content, but now they were doing a fashion shoot for a major magazine. To promote _A-Ling_. _This is going to be big, isn’t it? Because they like how we look together?_

After they’d been styled for the photoshoot, Yibo couldn’t take his eyes off of Xiao Zhan. His hair was done up in a faux high ponytail, tousled and sexy, accentuating all the angles and features of his gorgeous face.

Yibo’s hair had been buzzed close on the sides, and he worried Xiao Zhan wouldn’t like the short hair on him, wouldn’t care for the flowing, feminine clothing he was wearing. But from the moment the photo shoot began, Yibo could feel Xiao Zhan’s eyes on him, hungry and intense. _Venus_ , he’d called him. 

His skin burned where Xiao Zhan’s hands or legs would touch him through or under the gauzy fabric of the outfits they modeled. He felt his ears redden at the words Xiao Zhan was saying to him in a silky voice, low and dirty, like a predatory _Yiling Laozu_. 

_Oh my god, you look so fucking hot, just wait until I get you alone._

Yibo felt dizzy with desire, but they were surrounded by staff with multiple cameras clicking and whirring nonstop, so all he could do was give Xiao Zhan a warning look with his eyes. The silken clothing draped on his thin frame would not hide the effect that Xiao Zhan’s words were having on him. 

_Do not do this to me now, damn you._

At the end of the shoot, they were invited to pick a couple of the outfits to keep. Xiao Zhan leaned in close, his breath hot in Yibo’s ear. 

_I want you in the white outfit. Tonight._

They returned to the set that night, to Guizhou, where the rest of filming would take place. The new hotel was quiet and remote, their rooms luxurious and styled like honeymoon suites. Yibo was just gaping at his room when his phone rang. He looked out his window and could see Xiao Zhan standing in his own room just across the courtyard.

“My room. You know what to wear.”

\-------------

Xiao Zhan was still asleep when Yibo woke the next morning. He checked his phone and saw that their joint flight back to set from the Bazaar photo shoot had gone on Hot Search on Weibo. Yibo wasn’t sure what to think about that. _A-Ling_ hadn’t even finished filming and their relationship was already the subject of speculation?

He thought this was what he wanted, for people to tie them together, but the attention they attracted in the airport ended up forcing them to act distant, like they were barely friends, let alone lovers. What would things be like when the drama actually aired?

And they’d fumbled through their Bazaar joint interview, caught off guard by the questions about their first impressions of one another, or the details about when and how they met. _People want to know about us. We need to get our story straight._

The first days in Guizhou, though, were idyllic. It turned out that the only other cast members in their hotel were Liu Haikuan and Zhu Zanjin, oddly enough, rumored to be romantically involved as well. Xiao Zhan had suggested that a hotel closer to the filming site would be more convenient, given that their roles required long days on set, but they had not expected that their lodging would be arranged as an actual couples’ retreat, far from the rest of the crew. 

Yibo took full advantage of the privacy, and simply moved into Xiao Zhan’s room.

The mood felt light and giddy at first, matching the scenes they were shooting, of the two of them as teenagers again, checking each other out, feeling the flutters of first love. Those flutters were painfully real for Yibo -- every time he looked at Xiao Zhan, he wanted to pinch himself to make sure this all hadn’t been one long hallucination. The whole summer was beyond anything he had imagined when he’d auditioned. 

Yibo tried to get his head around how different their relationship would have been without having lived these roles, or spent this time together on set. What did Xiao Zhan say to him last fall, after they’d gotten back together? Something about love not being something you fell into just once?

He thought about the desperate, restless way his love for Xiao Zhan felt at the start, when he first laid eyes on him and despaired at the idea that his feelings would never be returned. So intense, and yet from his vantage point more than a year later, only a shadow of what he felt now.

It hit him each day when he woke up to find Xiao Zhan next to him. They’d shared a bed nearly every night since the Dragon Boat Festival, but Yibo still startled every morning when he awoke, as if he couldn’t believe that what he’d dreamed was a reality. It seemed too good to be true.

Sitting on a set rooftop with Xiao Zhan on the night he turned 21, Yibo made a wish on the stars above that he’d keep living this dream, with this same man at his side. _What has been set for me at the age of 21, I hope that at age 81 will still be true._

[ _What has been set for me at the age of 21, I hope that at age 81 will still be true._

 _Kadian: 9:30, or jiu Zhan, meaning 就战 (just Zhan) or 久战 (Zhan for a long time)_ ]

\-------------

In the final weeks of filming, the setting swung from the carefree early days at Cloud Recesses to the climactic, blood-soaked scenes at Nightless City. Shijie’s death. Wei Wuxian’s unraveling and plunge off a cliff. 

Yibo’s schedule took him away to Changsha for _TTXS_ twice during those days, and each time he returned, he saw a worrying shift in Xiao Zhan, like he was looking at time-lapse snapshots of a tragedy in the making.

The first time he returned from Changsha, he’d fallen asleep in their hotel room while waiting for Xiao Zhan to come back from set. He woke up in the morning to find him curled in a ball on top of the covers, still dressed in his street clothes. When Yibo touched his shoulder, Xiao Zhan jerked awake with a pained gasp, his eyes wild and red.

Xiao Zhan waved off Yibo’s alarm, insisting that he was just tired from a late night of filming. But then all the nights were like this, filming until the break of dawn to capture the eerie in-between light and the cast’s sleepless energy.

The second time Yibo returned from Changsha, Xuan Lu pulled him aside.

“Did you bring back treats for A-Xian?” It was a question she had asked Yibo before with a teasing smile, but this time, her eyes were wide and full of concern.

“What’s wrong?”

She shook her head. “These Nightless City scenes have been draining for all of us, but…” She took a deep breath. “He’s thinner than ever, and seems to be having a harder time getting out of his role afterwards. Can you…?” 

Yibo chewed on his lip. “I might be able to force him to eat, but he’ll probably tell me that hurting himself is how he gets into Wei Wuxian’s head for these scenes.” He sighed. “But I’ll see what I can do.”

He found Xiao Zhan slumped against a fake pillar, script in hand.

“Hey.”

Xiao Zhan looked up, and Yibo winced a bit, seeing how red and bloodshot his eyes were. He hoped that the rest of his ghostly pallor was all makeup, but Shijie was right. He looked more gaunt than before. _I was only gone for a little over a day…_

“Hey you. You’re back.” Even though Xiao Zhan had a smile for Yibo, there was something shaky and unfocused in his eyes. Yibo rubbed a painfully bony shoulder and spoke to him in a quiet and gentle voice. “Missed you. I brought back your favorite chips.” He opened the bag and fed him one. Xiao Zhan chewed obediently, and Yibo felt his heart ache at how drained he looked.

“Ge,” he began, but Xiao Zhan shook his head.

“Shijie talked to you?” He sighed. “I know, she's worried, but I’m fine. Really. I’m okay. Just getting in touch with Wei Wuxian’s pain, is all.”

Yibo knew he must have looked skeptical, because Xiao Zhan let out a breathy laugh and teased, “I’m just not good at getting in and out of roles quickly, as you do. Maybe someday you can share your secrets.”

“There’s no secret. Lan Wangji loves Wei Wuxian, but I love you. So I always want to get back to being Yibo as soon as I can.” He shot Xiao Zhan a grin. “See, proof that I love you more.”

XIao Zhan narrowed his eyes at Yibo and bared his teeth in warning. “Lao Wang.” 

Yibo smiled broadly, but there were tears in his eyes. “Ah, there’s my Zhan-ge.”

\-------------

**_September 2018, Beijing_ **

Xiao Zhan had been staying over at Yibo’s place since Yibo got back from Changsha, and no one was sleeping well. And not for enjoyable reasons. Xiao Zhan was still waking up in a cold sweat in the middle of the night, sometimes calling for Shijie, sometimes murmuring _Lan Zhan_. He still wasn’t eating well, and looked drawn and tired no matter how long he lingered in bed.

He didn’t have much on his schedule, but that was both good and bad.

To Yibo, it started to feel like _A-Ling_ hadn’t wrapped after all, except that these were the parts of filming that he could have done without. And now that Yibo was actually back home and with Xiao Zhan, it was almost worse. 

He could tell when he looked into Xiao Zhan’s eyes that he was sometimes seeing Lan Zhan instead of him. It made him think of the night they went to take their wigs and costumes off for the last time and Xiao Zhan suddenly stopped and gently wheeled Yibo around to face him.

Yibo had stood there, gritting his teeth, as he watched Xiao Zhan’s eyes scan across his face, the wig, the forehead ribbon, and then stepped back to take in Yibo’s whole figure, wrapped in white robes. Or rather, _Lan Zhan’s_ whole figure. _He wants to get one last look at Lan Zhan, before I’m just Yibo again._

Yibo didn’t want to push, but he was tired of sharing his apartment with Lan Zhan, and with the ghosts that haunted Xiao Zhan’s nights. He was leaving again the next day, and was already missing his boyfriend.

“Come back, Xiao Zhan.”

He laughed softly, making the tiny mole under his lip dance. “I’m here.”

“Are you? Really? It - it doesn’t feel like you’re all here… it seems like you go back to Nightless City every night. I’m… worried about you.” 

Xiao Zhan’s eyes went wet, betraying the feelings he'd been hiding from Yibo. He must have known that Yibo knew, because this time he offered more. 

“He suffered. So much,” Xiao Zhan almost whispered. “It’s been hard to let go of the pain. I _felt_ it.”

“ _Baobao_. It was just a story, though. It wasn’t real.”

Xiao Zhan’s eyes went sharp in an instant. “It was real to me. I can’t help that you didn’t feel it.”

This accusation was too much for Yibo to take. He _did_ feel it, especially as they filmed the scene when Lan Zhan lost Wei Ying over the edge of the cliff. Yibo had cried when he imagined Xiao Zhan wrestling himself free from Yibo’s grasp to take the solitary plunge into the unknown. 

If they ever found themselves in a place like that, he knew that Xiao Zhan would do the same thing to protect him. But maybe not just Yibo. Sometimes it felt like Xiao Zhan would be willing to sacrifice himself for anyone in need, or even just for the sake of filming, without taking into account what it might do to Yibo. Not because he would ever want to hurt him, but because at some level, Xiao Zhan doubted his own worth. Or at least doubted what he meant to Yibo.

Yibo hated Wei Wuxian at times like this.

“You know what’s real to me? My feelings for you. That’s what kept me anchored, not some lack of acting skills, Ge.” He said this more sharply than he meant to, but he was tired and frustrated. “Maybe - maybe--” Yibo stopped, realizing he was about to make things worse.

“Maybe what?” Xiao Zhan demanded, anger creeping into his voice.

“Nothing. Forget it.”

“Say it.”

Yibo hung his head in defeat. “Maybe you just don’t love me enough to come back.”

The disappointment on Xiao Zhan’s face was unbearable. “Again with the lack of trust. I have trouble getting out of a role, and you use it to question my love for you.”

“I didn’t mean it that way, Ge.” Yibo’s eyes began to burn. “But… I miss you. And - and I want you to be happy again. I want to make you happy, and I don’t know how.”

Xiao Zhan took his hands and sighed. “I think… I think I just need time. This role… it’s hard for me to explain just how much this role meant to me, how much Wei Wuxian meant to me. I don’t know if I will ever get over it, or if I even want to. And I can’t ignore what _A-Ling_ has meant for us. How do I leave this role behind, given all that? I just need time to sort it all out.” A single tear spilled out onto his cheek and he hurried to brush it away.

Yibo leaned forward and wrapped his arms around Xiao Zhan. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry.” He looked into his eyes and forced himself to smile. “How about… how about I order some food, and we can talk it through?” He said this hopefully, but inside he braced for what was coming.

“No. I - I think I need time to myself. Okay?” And anyway, he reminded Yibo, he finally had his own apartment to finish moving into.

This, Yibo knew, was bullshit, but it wasn’t worth arguing anymore. “Okay.”

It wasn’t okay, though. After spending so much time on set together, Yibo found he needed the daily contact, and he couldn't stop himself from calling, texting, checking in.

“Yibo… I really need alone time. I meant it.”

“I’m on the road, Ge. I just - I just wanted to hear your voice.”

“You’re not listening to me. Please. Just give me a few days.”

“But - but… what if you--”

“Yibo, you have to trust me.”

“But Ge…”

There was a heavy, sad sigh on the other end of the call. “Yibo, I’m sorry. I don’t know how else to do this. I’ll - I’ll call you in a few days.” He paused, too dramatically for Yibo’s comfort. Yibo could feel his insides twisting. “I love you,” Xiao Zhan said. “Wait for me?”

Then the line went dead. Yibo stared at his phone in disbelief. _Did he just hang up on me?_

He called Xiao Zhan back and it went to voicemail. Against his better judgment, he called again. And again. And again. He knew he was doing exactly what Xiao Zhan didn't want him to do, but he couldn’t let go. Not like this.

His phone suddenly played an eerie sound in his hand.

_The number you are trying to call has been disconnected..._

_No... No, no..._

\-------------

**_March 2020, Hengdian_ **

Finally back in his hotel room, Yibo tried calling Xiao Zhan again, and mercifully, he answered this time. Yibo sighed in relief when Xiao Zhan appeared on the screen, but something was wrong. His face was flushed, his eyes unfocused.

“Ge. Have you been… drinking?”

He didn’t respond, just huffed out a breath and ran a hand through his hair. Yibo caught sight of what looked like dried blood across his knuckles. His eyes went wide, panic rising in his chest.

  
“Zhan-ge, what happened? _What did you do?_ ”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> References:
> 
> Yibo needs some space in the boat: <https://twitter.com/BjyxObsessed/status/1291450794491904000?s=20>
> 
> Yibo and Xiao Zhan bickered for nine minutes on a boat:  
> <https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2peennCFIsg>
> 
> Xiao Zhan’s character in Joy Of Life is not at all like Wei Ying: <https://dramapanda.com/2019/12/dont-hate-on-xiao-zhans-character-in.html>
> 
> Yibo was rumored to be jealous of Xiao Zhan while they were filming: [Yibo is so jealous (but also caring): https://twitter.com/bjyx_05080510/status/1321469359022202880?s=20](https://twitter.com/bjyx_05080510/status/1321469359022202880?s=20)
> 
> Yibo shouts Zhan-ge didi ai ni at Xiao Zhan: <https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KeS0SRG6WRU>
> 
> Wo-wo is a nickname rumored to be used by Yibo to refer to Xiao Zhan’s dimples. Dimple in Chinese is 酒窝, or jiǔwō. I have no idea whether the rumor is true or not, but it’s adorable, so I included it.
> 
> Yibo makes fun of Xiao Zhan’s pouty mouth in an old selfie: <https://twitter.com/ohsonsaeng/status/1165140057453293568?s=20>
> 
> Bts from the Bazaar joint photoshoot, July 28, 2018: <https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p7W4QwnTcbY>
> 
> The photoshoot vid: <https://twitter.com/fangirlinggigi/status/1354544705321791490?s=21>
> 
> More photos from the Bazaar photoshoot: <https://rosalui.tumblr.com/post/186944268023/ohsehuns-the-untamed-x-harpers-bazaar-china>
> 
> Bazaar interview (takes 1 and 2): <https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EbQLZLDuB0k>
> 
> Yibo and Xiao Zhan flew together from Beijing to Guizhou on July 28, 2018 and went on Hot Search: <https://twitter.com/taylor_thinnPS/status/1170994676033179648?s=20>
> 
> More photos: <https://twitter.com/yizhan10585/status/1287991761428774912?s=20>
> 
> The rumored hotel accommodations in Guizhou: <https://twitter.com/Ventus1821/status/1295195551852408832?s=20>  
> <https://m.weibo.cn/detail/4538731887331275>
> 
> Yibo and Xiao Zhan sat and watched the stars together on August 4, 2018, the night before Yibo’s 21st birthday: <https://twitter.com/od0_0bo/status/1187950265757917184?s=20>
> 
> Yibo posted on his birthday that he hoped that what was true for him at age 21, he hoped would be true when he was 81: [ https://twitter.com/ventus1821/status/1204990875043938305?s=21](https://twitter.com/ventus1821/status/1204990875043938305?s=21)
> 
> Yibo repeated this wish in a Weibo post the day before Xiao Zhan's birthday in 2020: [ https://twitter.com/oldobsess/status/1312453948775653376?s=21](https://twitter.com/oldobsess/status/1312453948775653376?s=21)
> 
> Xuan Lu talks about the toll that filming took on Xiao Zhan: <https://twitter.com/xzhan1005/status/1218700407167496192?s=20>
> 
> Xiao Zhan says he had trouble getting out of the role of Wei Wuxian after the drama wrapped: [ https://twitter.com/xzhan1005/status/1315152725915701249?s=12](https://twitter.com/xzhan1005/status/1315152725915701249?s=12)


	16. Japan

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Xiao Zhan needs a change in scenery to figure things out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I adore feedback from readers, so please leave comments if you have thoughts, questions, or just want to emote about the boys!
> 
> If you enjoyed this story, you might like this collection of other [short works](https://archiveofourown.org/series/1998622) that live in the same universe.

**_March 2020, Beijing_ **

Yibo was yelling into the phone, causing firecrackers to go off in Xiao Zhan’s head.

“Ge, what happened? What did you do?”

Xiao Zhan threw himself back on the bed with a pained groan. _God, please make him stop._

The image on Yibo’s phone panned to the ceiling and went white. “No no no no!” _Did he pass out?_ He leaned into his phone and begged for a response. “Ge! Oh my god, please say something… are you okay? Zhan-ge!”

Xiao Zhan let out a whine and buried his head in his pillow to take the edge off of Yibo’s increasingly shrill cries, which registered as excruciating purple bursts somewhere behind his eyes. _Is this what it’s like to be on the receiving end of Madam Yu’s Zidian?_

He thought about tapping out of the call, but he knew that would just make things worse. Ignoring Yibo’s calls and messages all day had already ensured exactly this outcome, so really, the screaming noise echoing in his head was his own doing. _Maybe it’s what I deserve, anyway._

Yibo squinted at the screen, now blurry and indistinctly white-ish (rumpled t-shirt? bed sheets? pillow?), studying it as if it would help him make out the muffled and slurred words. “I don - don’ wanna talk about it right now.”

“Zhan-ge, you can’t leave me hanging like this.” Yibo had lowered his voice but couldn’t hide the desperation he felt. “You have to talk to me. What the hell happened? Why is there blood on your hand? Why are you drinking? Oh god, did you go online? Please, Ge...”

Xiao Zhan flopped over on his back in frustration. _Jesus. I can’t believe this guy is famous for not talking. Sometimes I hate this double standard._ “I _said_ , I don’ wanna talk about it. I juss wanna sleep. Please lemme sleep. I’m fine. Tomorrow.” 

Yibo was not giving up. “If you’re not going to talk to me, I’m going to call one of our friends to go over and check on you… Please, _baobao_ , you’re kind of scaring me and I’m so far away and--”

“Ssstop it.”

Yibo was starting to lose it. “Zhan-ge, _baobao_ \--”

Xiao Zhan sat up suddenly and glared into the phone. “ _Goddamnit_ , Yibo, stop treating me like I’m a baby! I am not a fucking baby!”

Yibo went silent. Xiao Zhan had a quick temper that he only felt safe to lose with the people closest to him, so it wasn’t as if he hadn’t yelled at Yibo before. But this time, the sharp edge in his voice made Yibo freeze in disbelief, almost as if Xiao Zhan had slapped him. 

The wounded look on Yibo’s face cut through the fog in Xiao Zhan’s head. He gasped, hot tears rising in an instant. _Oh god, what am I doing?_

Yibo saw it through his phone, and his chest ached at the sight of Xiao Zhan’s beautiful face crumpling into sobs.

Yibo fought back his own tears and spoke as calmly as he could. “Ge. I’m not upset because I don’t think you can take care of yourself. I’m upset because… well, just because you’re strong doesn’t mean you have to do this alone… I wish you’d let me help. Please - please don’t shut me out. You promised--”

Yibo wiped his eyes dry and exhaled heavily, exhausted from the long day on set, the accumulated anxiety of _not knowing_ cresting over him like a wave. “I just want to know what happened today. If you need to scream or yell at me, do it. But I want to know what’s wrong. Did you - did you read something online? I told you--”

Xiao Zhan shook his head, and took a deep, shuddering breath. “No. No. I’m... I’m sorry. I’m just so… angry and - and - god, I dunno...”

“Okay. Tell me about it.”

There was a long pause as Xiao Zhan rubbed his temples and winced. “Y’know how - how I did that interview and shoot, a week or so ago?”

“Yeah?” _Esquire_ had reached out to do an interview of Xiao Zhan specifically to talk about the 227 incident. Xiao Zhan hadn’t been sure it was the right time to do a fashion spread, but they’d assured him that they’d give him as much time as he needed to share his story, and so he’d agreed.

“They’re spiking the whole article.”

“What? Why?”

“Someone - someone leaked the photos online.”

“Ah, shit,” Yibo cursed. “But they still have the interview, right? Why would they pull the whole thing? They can’t still publish your interview?”

Xiao Zhan waved his hands in the air in frustration. “I dunno. Maybe they discovered they have an - an anti working for them and decided everything was compromised? Or maybe they took this as a sign that - that I’m not worth having to deal with haters?” 

He felt the tears welling up again, and turned his face away from the phone. He didn’t want others to suffer because of him, but it still stung that _Esquire_ had folded so quickly.

“The leaker doesn’t have to have been a hater, though, Ge. It could have been someone who’s a fan… someone excited to see you in a photoshoot?”

“Well, the effect is the same, isn’t it?” He huffed out a bitter laugh. “With that kind of love, I’m never gonna get past this.” 

He pulled the front of his T-shirt up to wipe his eyes, flashing an expanse of pale skin. Yibo’s breath hitched and he touched the screen, warring thoughts crowding into his mind.

_God, he’s lost so much weight._

_I wish I were there to comfort him._

_I miss him so much._

Xiao Zhan began talking again, snapping Yibo back to attention. “I know, I know, I’m an idiot to be so upset about one stupid article, but - but I sat with them in a stuffy little dressing room for _three fucking hours_. It was supposed to be my chance to be heard, to hopefully have people understand me, and now… it feels... like I’ve been silenced. And what, I can’t even do interviews now?”

“You have every right to be angry, Ge. I mean, shit, they had a leak… and you had said they’d taken so many precautions to prevent that.” 

Xiao Zhan was right -- it didn’t matter whether the person who had leaked his photos was a fan or an anti. Either way, it wasn’t good for business, and it was clear that a lot of that business wouldn't be willing to work with Xiao Zhan if everything he did was going to be disrupted.

Yibo thought about going online to see what he could find about who leaked the photos, but he didn’t know if he could stomach it anymore. The last time he went into the 227 supertopic, he couldn’t sleep for two nights afterwards. He was so traumatized by the ugly threats and hateful posts directed at his Zhan-ge, people saying they wished that he would… _No, I don’t want to think about it._

Xiao Zhan was quiet, gazing down, probably fiddling with his fingers, and Yibo studied his still-flushed face through the screen. There was unreleased tension there, that look he had when he was sitting on his thoughts. “There’s something else, isn’t there, Ge.” 

It wasn’t a question.

Xiao Zhan’s eyes flicked up to the screen, and Yibo caught a flash of worry before it resolved into an innocent, wide-eyed gaze. “Hm?”

“Ah, come on. Don’t do that. I can tell there’s something else.”

“Bo-ge.” 

“Zhan-ge.”

“It’s just--” Xiao Zhan sighed and wrung his hands. “I’m - I’m a terrible person.”

“What? What are you talking about? That’s nonsense.”

“No, I really am. _Esquire_ dropped me, and I - I thought about how you have what, four? Five? How many magazine covers lined up so far? And what kind of a shitty boyfriend am I for even thinking that? I mean, I am so, so proud of you, I love you and I love seeing you succeed because you’re amazing and handsome and talented and you deserve the whole world and I would never--”

“Ge--”

“No, I have to... I was so ashamed that I even thought--” 

“Ge, please. Don’t--”

He shook his head and pressed the heels of his hands into his eyes. “I just couldn’t talk to you. I didn’t mean to worry you, but I just couldn’t--”

“Zhan-ge, _stop_. You’re not terrible, you’re just in a terrible place. But look -- you’ve been turning down work, being the good person you are, and trying to keep others from being dragged into the whole mess. Some of these magazine covers might have been yours if you’d just said yes.”

Xiao Zhan arched an eyebrow. “Really? I said yes to _Esquire_ , and look how that turned out.” 

Yibo bit down on his lips, worrying that he was making things worse. Of course, like Xiao Zhan, he could see that their trajectories were going in opposite directions. It was impossible to ignore, so pretending it wasn’t happening or trying to suggest it didn’t matter would only be insulting to him. 

Being reassuring was a minefield, too. He was careful not to tell Xiao Zhan that he’d take care of him -- not in so many words, anyway -- because it sounded like defeat. Xiao Zhan was just too driven and proud to be a kept man, dependent on Yibo -- or anyone else. 

Yibo wanted to see a silver lining in the idea that Xiao Zhan was beating himself up because he had felt envious of Yibo’s relative good fortune. Maybe it meant that his fighting spirit was coming back. Surely it was better than feeling _unworthy_ of Yibo, which was where his head had been far too often over the past few weeks.

But then he thought of Xiao Zhan’s bloody knuckles, and realized there was no “better” -- not yet. 

“Well,” he argued, “I would never be hopelessly in love with a terrible person. So you’re wrong. And you’re stuck with me.”

Shaking his head, Xiao Zhan looked into Yibo’s eyes through the phone and smiled softly, feeling a soothing warmth in his chest. _This boy._ He was still angry with himself, and struggling with how to feel about his situation -- rage, frustration, confusion, sadness, resignation, guilt -- but Yibo’s straightforward gaze was like an anchor, holding him fast amidst the swirl of emotions. It would have to be enough for now.

“So… you going to tell me what happened to your hand?”

Xiao Zhan bit his lip, a slightly sheepish look on his face. “We… might need a new bathroom mirror?”

Yibo’s blood ran cold at the thought of Xiao Zhan throwing a punch at his own reflection. “God, Ge, how much did you drink?”

“ _Aish_ , don’t look at me like that. I’m fine. It was just me being stupid.”

Yibo said nothing, but Xiao Zhan knew from the look in Yibo’s eyes that he was in for several days of overprotective hovering. 

“A bottle of wine?” 

“Yibo, would we even be talking if I drank that much?” He paused, scratching a pink ear anxiously. “Three beers.”

“Three beers?” Yibo couldn’t hide his amusement at his boyfriend’s utter inability to drink.

“Maybe it was two and a half…” Xiao Zhan rolled his eyes and laughed. “ _Aiyaaa_ , I can’t even do a drunken bender right...”

Yibo joined him in laughter, even though his mind was still thinking about the broken mirror. At least he was laughing.

It would have to be enough for now.

Later, Xiao Zhan washed the blood off his hands and splashed cold water on his face, ducking his head to avoid looking at his disjointed image in the shattered mirror. He sighed and muttered _sui sui ping an_ under his breath to dispel the bad luck, and made a mental note to take the pieces down in the morning. _Like I needed more bad luck in my life._

Clearly, being cooped up in the apartment was getting to him. Maybe, he thought, it was time for a change in scenery. It had helped him clear his head and find his way forward once before.

\-------------

**_September 2018, Tokyo_ **

When Xiao Zhan told his manager he was leaving the country to decompress for a few days, she insisted on sending him with an assistant.

“But this is a personal trip,” he’d protested. “I don’t need staff. I really just want some time to myself to reset after filming.”

“That’s fine,” she’d assured him in a breezy tone that wasn’t really reassuring. “Mimi’s in training and just needs some experience with managing trips for our talent. She won’t interfere with your vacation. Although she _could_ help you create a video or photo journal for your fans….”

And that was how he ended up with a virtual stranger trailing after him on the streets of Tokyo. It wasn’t at all how he wanted to do his “alone time,” especially since he found that his thoughts were constantly being interrupted by worries about whether Mimi was feeling neglected.

Luckily, she picked up on his pensive mood and made herself mostly invisible. There wasn’t much for her to do, anyway. He had made it pretty clear what he had thought of his manager’s suggestion that he create idol content on the trip, dressing each day in shapeless and plain clothing, his hair and bare face mostly hidden under a bucket hat.

_[Taking a walk]_

  
  


All of this fuss, to do what? Just to get out of a role?

It seemed silly, really. He thought about how, at the end of so many scenes, he would watch Lan Zhan vanish in an instant, his humorless glare suddenly erupting into a blinding smile or melting away with a playful smirk. Just like that, Yibo would appear, slapping him on the ass with a prop sword and starting some nonsense fight over god knows what. 

Oh, it made him crazy when Yibo would claim that the reason he found it so easy to come back to himself as soon as the director yelled “cut” was because he loved Xiao Zhan so much. It was sweet, of course, to think that Yibo didn’t want to spend a minute longer inhabiting a character who loved someone else -- but Xiao Zhan also resented the implication that his own acting method meant he loved Yibo any less.

It wasn’t true.

But maybe Yibo didn’t see it because Xiao Zhan’s love was the quiet kind.

That’s when he felt it the most -- in the peaceful moments, like the night he’d sat on a rooftop with Yibo to look at the stars, and the beauty of the night sky had taken his breath away. Not just the beauty, but the way the vastness of space reminded him of how ridiculously _lucky_ he was to have met and fallen in love with the interesting soul sitting next to him.

Or the next day, when he had found Yibo in a deserted corner of the set, crying. He’d just done a livestream for his birthday, and bullies had crashed it, mocking him and calling him disgusting names for nearly an hour. 

Yibo had been annoyed that Xiao Zhan had caught him in tears, but did he know how much his heart had broken for Yibo, for the gentle, sensitive boy under that brave, bold exterior? _His_ Yibo -- the one that not many others got to see. 

As he wrapped his arms around Yibo to comfort him, all Xiao Zhan could think about was how he wanted to be there for him like that, always.

And then there was _that_ day -- the day that Yibo had collapsed on set. The long days filming the Nightless City scenes had been exhausting enough, but on top of all that, Yibo had been burning it on both ends by flying back and forth (and probably eating sketchy things) for _Tian Tian Xiang Shang_.

There had been some silly prop mishap, and Xiao Zhan had turned towards Yibo, eager to laugh about it with him as they always did. Instead, he watched in horror as Yibo’s eyes rolled back and he went slack, crumpling like a puppet whose strings had been cut. Xiao Zhan remembered how it felt to lunge forward in panic, to try to hold on to Yibo as he fell. He remembered how he had dropped to the ground to cradle Yibo’s head in his lap, squeezing his hands in his and alternating between calling his name and screaming for help.

And he remembered with bitterness how he had been turned away when he tried to go to the hospital with Yibo. After all, as far as the medical staff was concerned, he was nothing more than a fellow cast member.

Yibo, of course, remembered none of this when he’d recovered and returned to set.

After _A-Ling_ wrapped, when Yibo needled him about how deeply he’d sunk into Wei Ying’s head, Xiao Zhan thought about that day when he feared that Yibo’s heart had given out and that maybe he was _gone_. 

And about how he had taken the anguish and helplessness he had felt in that moment and made it Wei Ying’s pain, too.

“He suffered,” he’d told Yibo. “So much. It’s been hard to let go of the pain. I felt it.”

“ _Baobao_. It was just a story, though. It wasn’t real.”

Xiao Zhan recalled the sleepless nights he spent alone while Yibo was in the hospital, reliving the terror he had felt when he’d held Yibo’s limp body in his arms, the anger he had to bite back when the doctors wouldn’t give him any information on his status, and the fears that haunted him until Yibo came back, grinning as if nothing had happened. 

“It was real to me,” he had snapped at Yibo. “I can’t help that you didn’t feel it.”

Well.

That dig might have been unfair to Yibo. He never told Yibo about what he’d feared when he had collapsed. And becoming Wei Wuxian for four months _did_ involve some emotional voodoo that couldn't be easily untangled. If it could, would Xiao Zhan be in Tokyo, wandering around in a moody fog?

\-------------

On the second day of his retreat, Xiao Zhan was sitting quietly by an ancient temple, sketching out its graceful lines, paying special attention to the gentle curves and textures of the tiled roof. As he drew, his thoughts drifted back to the day they’d taken shelter under a roof just like that during a sudden downpour, the rain coming down in a roar around them.

The scene was impossibly romantic, the two of them dressed in their flowing white Gusu robes, curtained off from everything else by a wall of water and sound. Yibo’s eyes were wide and adoring, a soft smile lighting up his beautiful face as he reached out to straighten Xiao Zhan’s costume, hands running down his chest.

It was unmistakably their moment, timeless and epic, the two of them gazing at each other, longing to kiss, to embrace. But even if the cameras weren’t rolling, it was still a manufactured time and place, with script and direction and lighting and set design coming together to arouse intense feelings and emotions. 

It was folly, then, to think that taking these roles hadn’t changed the shape and depth of the feelings they had for each other. If he was being honest with himself, there was a part of Xiao Zhan that didn’t want to leave this role behind, to wake up from the dream that they’d shared together.

But Yibo... instead of feeling grateful to Wei Ying and Lan Zhan for letting them feel what it was like to be bound by fate, to have a love so enduring it outlasted death itself, Yibo just seemed annoyed with them both.

Xiao Zhan remembered with amused exasperation the time they’d done an interview on set and he had to ask Yibo to choose whether to throw Wei Wuxian or Jiang Cheng into the ocean.

Yibo had answered, without hesitation, that he would keep Jiang Cheng.

Xiao Zhan was floored by this response. “Wait a minute, you would keep Jiang Cheng and throw Wei Wuxian to the sea?”

“Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. Because he talks a lot.” Yibo grinned, clearly enjoying riling up Xiao Zhan.

“This isn’t good.”

“Why?”

 _Really, Yibo?_ “For Lan Wangji, does he hope for Wei Wuxian to talk less?”

“But I’m speaking as Wang Yibo.”

Yibo had been such a brat in that interview, but Xiao Zhan had to smile at what looked like trolling, because it was really Yibo just speaking his truth. Yibo was so clear-eyed about the man he’d fallen in love with, and knew that the chatty, big-talking Wei Wuxian was not him. 

This, of course, begged the question in Xiao Zhan’s mind: what would have happened if they had met for the first time on the _A-Ling_ set? Would Yibo have fallen in love with him then, seeing him as Wei Wuxian, not knowing where the role ended and Xiao Zhan began? 

On the other hand, they had _so much_ fun together on set, fighting, laughing, and talking nonsense -- and that was all them. Wasn’t it? 

Xiao Zhan thought about all the times they forced multiple reshoots because they just could not stop laughing when they looked at each other. It was so bad, they’d felt compelled to apologize to the director and to their fellow castmates for holding up filming and spoiling scenes because they were so unable to control their giddiness around each other. Cracking each other up became such a common occurrence that interviewers made it a game for their joint interviews: how long can you stare at one another without laughing? The answer: not long at all.

Sometimes when Yibo had gone too far in his roughhousing, or Xiao Zhan made it clear that he’d had quite enough of the younger man’s mischief, Yibo would pout and grumble that maybe Xiao Zhan would have preferred the more controlled and mature Lan Zhan. It was fun to tease Yibo and fire up the jealousy he felt for the very character he brought to life, but honestly, it wasn’t even a close call.

Xiao Zhan was already chafing under the weight of expectations to be the “good” idol, so he welcomed how childish Yibo was with him on set -- when else in his life would he get to let loose like this with anyone anymore? He’d had fun with his X Nine bandmates when they were filming their reality show and played silly games, but that was all over with now. 

And he spent far too much time second-guessing and over-analyzing things as it was. What would he do with a boyfriend as outwardly unexpressive and uncommunicative as Lan Zhan? He certainly didn’t have that problem with Yibo -- his face was so open to him, and the man said anything and everything to him, to the point Xiao Zhan would sometimes have to tell him to _just stop_. 

His annoyance with his own character wouldn’t have been so funny if Yibo also hadn’t adopted so many of Lan Zhan’s traits over the course of filming. Not just the way he stood and carried himself, but also the way he watched over the one he loved. Yes, Yibo had been protective of Xiao Zhan before, but from the moment he first put on the Lan forehead ribbon, that trait had gone into overdrive.

_Eat. Eat more. Have you eaten yet? Why haven't you eaten? I brought you snacks. Watch your step, take my hand. You need to rest more. Careful of your waist..._

Maybe Yibo wouldn’t have been so dismissive of Wei Ying if he’d known that being Wei Ying made it easier for Xiao Zhan to accept Yibo’s care and concern. Xiao Zhan saw that post-resurrection Wei Ying had gone from telling Lan Zhan to stay out of his business to asking him to take care of his fragile and helpless man, and he’d let go of the stubbornness that had driven him to try to solve all of his problems on his own.

_Oh._

_Oh shit. I hope Yibo isn’t too upset when I get back home…_

On the second to last day in Japan, Xiao Zhan asked Mimi to take some pictures for him. He was feeling lighter, but also feeling Yibo’s absence. 

It was time.

In the afternoon, he took a hike through a bamboo forest. He was hemmed in on all sides by the towering stands of bamboo, with only glimpses of the blue sky and white clouds above, but he still felt strangely free. Everything had an enduring feel, disconnected from the rest of the world -- much like how he would always remember his summer filming with Yibo.

He paused on the path, trying to hold on to that feeling, the memories of those months. He didn’t want to lose any of it when he stepped out of the role, especially all of the parts that had brought him closer to Yibo. When they had hatched the plan to take roles together, they had never imagined it would be like this, but now it felt like it was fated to happen this way.

Up ahead, he could _almost_ see Yibo approaching along the path. He was dressed in flowing Lan Sect robes, his long haired adorned with a towering headpiece, Bichen in one hand and the other hand held behind his back. He nodded at Xiao Zhan in acknowledgment, but it was not Yibo. It was Lan Zhan, and it was clearer to Xiao Zhan in that moment than it ever was before.

Xiao Zhan closed his eyes and thought about Wei Ying. He would never stop admiring him for his heart, but it was time to let his pains and joys be his own, and to let him return to the one that he loved. _Remember to treat yourself well, don’t force yourself beyond your abilities, and take care of your loved ones._

He opened his eyes again, now blurred by tears, and he imagined two figures, one light and one dark, walking away into the bamboo forest, shoulder to shoulder.

_Thank you for letting me experience a love like this, for helping to show me the way._

\-------------

The next day, Xiao Zhan was fidgeting impatiently in the elevator up to Yibo’s place. 

Although he hadn’t wanted to message or call Yibo from the company phone Mimi had given him to use in Japan, he had posted a new ad to Weibo that morning before his flight home, hoping Yibo would see it and the _kadian_ \-- 10:18… _yao ni Yibo_ … want you Yibo. His 520th Weibo post. _I love you._

But since arriving back in Beijing, his own phone still had no service -- meaning that he hadn’t talked to Yibo and had no idea what kind of reception he was going to get.

At Yibo’s door, he took a deep breath and knocked.

When the door opened, Xiao Zhan had to stifle a giggle. Yibo looked like he’d just woken up, his hair sticking up at odd angles and hilariously matching the look of surprise on his face.

“Zhan-ge,” he breathed.

Xiao Zhan beamed. He had missed this ridiculous boy so much. “It’s me.” He bit his lip, remembering how he’d left things with Yibo a week earlier. “Yibo, I’m--”

But Yibo was pulling him into the apartment, looking hopeful and relieved all at once. He cocked his head and gazed into his eyes. “It’s you. It’s really you? You’re back?”

He nodded in return, tears rising as Yibo cupped his face in his hands and drew him in for a kiss.

“I missed you… I’m so sorry,” Xiao Zhan murmured between kisses. “I shouldn’t have--”

“Shut up. Talk later.” Yibo started pulling off Xiao Zhan’s sweatshirt and walked him backwards, towards the bedroom.

Xiao Zhan drew back, laughing. “Ah, I’m so gross from being in a plane all day…”

“Yeah, you kind of are,” Yibo cackled. “And I’ve been gaming all day, so… maybe we both need a shower?” He raised an eyebrow suggestively.

Xiao Zhan grinned, threw Yibo over his shoulder, and carried him, giggling, to the bathroom.

  
  


\-------------

  
  


The next morning, Xiao Zhan woke up to find Yibo staring at him.

“Bo-ge…” he whined, “it’s so creepy when you watch me sleep like that!”

Yibo laughed softly. “I can’t help it. I’m just happy you’re back. You slept for a long time, though.”

“I guess I was tired from traveling?” _Ah shit_ , he thought, suddenly remembering. He reached out to stroke Yibo’s cheek. “Listen… I’m so sorry I took off like that. I--”

Yibo swatted him half-heartedly on the arm. “I get it. But don’t you ever fucking do that to me again. Do you know how many people I called to try to find out where you’d gone? And then you post to Weibo from _Japan_? Like, you couldn’t have just told me so I wouldn’t worry?”

“I know, I know. I’m sorry. I needed time alone, and you weren’t giving me the space. I - I should have told you. I’m sorry.”

Yibo sighed. “Yeah, I know. You do things differently than I do. I just - I just feel bad that you felt like you couldn’t talk to me, like - like maybe I was part of the problem.”

“No, no, it wasn’t like that at all! I just had to clear my head and sort things out.”

“And did you?” Yibo’s eyes were expectant, apprehensive.

Xiao Zhan hugged him close. “I did, but you never had anything to worry about. I said I would be back. I had to say goodbye to Wei Ying. And Lan Zhan. I was always going to return to you.” 

\-------------

After a simple brunch, Xiao Zhan commandeered Yibo’s laptop to update his Weibo. He showed it to Yibo as they relaxed together on the couch.

_[I thought I was having my photo taken_ 🤣 _... (summer wind has ended, so did my holiday 🌿🌿🎋_ _)]_

  
  


“Handsome Ge,” he gushed. “I’ll never forget our summer together either. But why didn’t you post this while you were in Japan? I was going crazy here, not knowing....”

Xiao Zhan winked, eager to explain. “I wanted to post it today for the _kadian_. 2018-9-13... _ai ni Yibo jiu yi sheng_ … love you Yibo for life. It’s… it’s also my 521st Weibo post… had to delete a bunch of old ones to--”

Yibo cut him off with a kiss. “You and your puzzles, I swear.”

“I’m hurt! I thought you would _enjoy_ the public confession,” Xiao Zhan teased, winding his arms around Yibo’s neck.

“I do! But why do you have to make things so _complicated_ all the time?”

Xiao Zhan traced a finger down Yibo’s throat. “Bo-ge, shouting ‘I love you’ is just too easy,” he purred. “Isn’t it nice to know that I planned out a special way to tell you what you mean to me? That I was thinking about you and wondered what I could do to make you happy?” He leaned in to nip at his lips and smiled.

Yibo groaned, surging forward to press Xiao Zhan back on the couch. “Maybe I’ll try it your way sometime. But right now, I feel like being more direct about what I’m feeling…”

“Wang Yibo!” Xiao Zhan giggled, as they fell into each other. _It was good to be back._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> References:
> 
> Comments by the photographer who took photos of Xiao Zhan for the Esquire spread that was spiked: <https://twitter.com/madetoloveXZ/status/1261211601102712832?s=20>
> 
> An interview of the photographer about the spiked _Esquire_ spread: [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7tsgxUNy9xQ&ab_channel=FefeH](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7tsgxUNy9xQ&ab_channel=FefeH)
> 
> Unreleased photoshoot for April 2020 Esquire: <https://twitter.com/yizhan10585/status/1283868295830142977?s=20>
> 
> Suì Suì Píng Ān 岁岁平安 means “everlasting peace year after year” and is said when something is accidentally broken in order to dispel bad luck. The word 岁 (Suì, meaning “age”) is a homophone for 碎 (“shatter”) so it’s a way to give an unlucky thing an auspicious sound. This is also the name of a song that Xiao Zhan sang during the COVID-19 pandemic: <https://youtu.be/_mYsYUOYhLU>
> 
> Yibo went to the hospital while filming in Guizhou:  
> <https://twitter.com/MayXian3/status/1196400366209748994?s=20>
> 
> Xiao Zhan and Yibo were caught in the rain on set:  
> <https://twitter.com/yiboitz/status/1177770232603131904?s=20>
> 
> More rain footage: [ https://twitter.com/zhangebodi/status/1314555160614653952?s=21](https://twitter.com/zhangebodi/status/1314555160614653952?s=21)
> 
> Yibo would throw Wei Wuxian into the sea because he talks too much:  
> <https://twitter.com/uniq5s/status/1152486414442881025?s=20>
> 
> Yibo and Xiao Zhan are trying not to laugh in the scene where Lan Wangji carries Wei Wuxian: <https://twitter.com/uniq5s/status/1156185392795619328?s=20>
> 
> They broke character a few times in the final cuts of the drama: [ https://twitter.com/FangirlingGigi/status/1349449468630999048](https://twitter.com/FangirlingGigi/status/1349449468630999048)
> 
> Yibo was bullied during his birthday livestream:  
> <https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NbqqJINsMow>
> 
> Xiao Zhan wrote an essay on Wei Wuxian in a July 24, 2019 Weibo post:  
> <https://aeriadbraveheart.tumblr.com/post/186942823279>
> 
> The AHC ad that Xiao Zhan posted on September 12, 2018 as his 520th Weibo post: <https://www.facebook.com/watch/?v=1065793580256915>
> 
> Xiao Zhan arriving back in Beijing on September 12, 2018: <https://weibo.com/6326380281/Jki4FDwKV?type=repost#_rnd1600395255360>
> 
> Xiao Zhan’s Weibo post upon his return from Japan: <https://twitter.com/wearebjyx/status/1304819139521835008?s=20>
> 
> Yibo was photographed wearing a hat reading "I miss you" every day while Xiao Zhan was in Japan: <https://twitter.com/OldObsess/status/1352172741407989760?s=20>
> 
> Xiao Zhan deleted old Weibo posts to make his September 13, 2018 post his 521st one: <https://twitter.com/xzhan1005/status/1233299246893477888?s=20>
> 
> Xiao Zhan looking all glowy and happy at an event in Hangzhou on September 15, 2018, a few days after his return from Japan: <https://twitter.com/bjyxszd959/status/1346968164232552455>


	17. Libra

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Balance is elusive, but they're working on it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I adore feedback from readers, so please leave comments if you have thoughts, questions, or just want to emote about the boys!
> 
> If you enjoyed this story, you might like this collection of other [short works](https://archiveofourown.org/series/1998622) that live in the same universe.

**_March 2020, in a plane somewhere over China_ **

The worst part about the shitstorm that had consumed Xiao Zhan’s world was what it was doing to his family. He could almost accept being dragged through the mud, since he had chosen to be a public figure, but his family never asked for any of this.

Just days after the 227 campaign had begun, his beloved grandfather passed. At the time, Xiao Zhan had thought he could go be with his family to pay his respects to his _wai gong_ , and to escape from the nonsense looming online. 

But then a friend had scolded antis for attacking Xiao Zhan in the wake of the family tragedy, and in response, they abused that friend, mocked Xiao Zhan for using his grandfather’s death as a distraction, and outrageously, some even claimed that his grandfather hadn’t died at all, and that the whole thing was just a hoax to gain sympathy.

The last thing Xiao Zhan wanted was for all the ugliness that had become his public life to reach his family, to heap more distress on them at such a sad time -- so reluctantly, he decided it was better for him to stay away from the funeral. It tore at him not to be there for his family and to miss the opportunity to honor his grandfather’s life, but it had become clear that traveling to Chongqing then would have brought unwanted attention and stress at a time when his family was already grieving.

And yet -- he felt a twinge of guilt that a part of him was relieved that he had avoided having to answer endless inquiries from the distant aunties and uncles and cousins who would have been at his _wai gong’s_ funeral. Questions about the crisis, about when he was going to get married (that perennial question for all men his age), or -- for those relatives sufficiently on top of celebrity gossip -- about Yibo.

 _Yibo_.

Despite everything, he could feel the corners of his mouth quirk up at the thought of Yibo, his cocky grin, intense gaze, playful laugh, foul mouth, the bewitching way his body moved -- all of it in such a confounding, absurdly talented, and gorgeous person. One who doted on him and loved him beyond all reason. 

_Why me?_ He knew Yibo would be outraged that he was asking himself this question, but what was he supposed to feel when Yibo’s star was shining so brightly, soaring fast and high above the pit where Xiao Zhan was trapped?

Yibo had snorted derisively the last time Xiao Zhan had mentioned it -- in the form of a self-deprecating joke, of course, because it hurt too much to have a serious talk about the gulf widening between them. 

_Ge, do you realize people hate you when you do this? Like when you said your visuals were a six out of ten? If you want compliments, just tell me. I can go for hours talking about how perfect you are. You don’t need to fish like this. Do you want to hear it? All the reasons you’re the only one for me?_

Xiao Zhan found himself smiling at the memory, even as he recalled how he had waved Yibo off and threatened to end the call if he didn’t stop talking nonsense. He hadn’t wanted to hear his reasons. Well -- he _did_ , but it felt selfish to want the reassurance, as if forcing Yibo to say it all aloud would work like a magic incantation, binding him to Xiao Zhan even as maybe the right thing to do would be to let go. 

Xiao Zhan sighed and turned to look out the plane window at the carpet of soft-looking white clouds spread out below a wide open, brilliant blue sky. From the ground, he thought, the sky would look grey, claustrophobic, and clouded over, but it was still the same sky.

\-------------

**_November 2018, Beijing_ **

Xiao Zhan knew how lucky he was. Only a little over three years ago, he’d been working as a graphic designer when a scout called, asking if he’d ever thought about being an idol. Training for, and then competing on _X-Fire_ , hard as it was, was a revelation. Just a taste, and he could never be or want the same things again. And then, all too abruptly, he’d been eliminated from the show and sent home, where he ate his sorrows until he got the surprise call to come back and join X Nine.

Maybe because of the rollercoaster way he had come up from nowhere, he took none of it for granted, ever, and pushed himself to work as hard as he needed to succeed. Drive wasn’t the problem -- he’d always been a bit of a workaholic. He just wasn’t used to being so _behind_. So he said _yes_ to everything, knowing that his window for success was closing fast.

As a consequence, he hadn’t had a lot of downtime after _A-Ling_ wrapped and he’d pulled himself out of Wei Wuxian’s headspace. And as if he needed a reminder of how quickly time was passing, he turned 27 on October 5, the day he released his first single, _Satisfied_. 

[ _As long as you are by my side, I will be satisfied…_ ❤️

 _Kadian: 13:28, or 一生爱博, yisheng ai Bo (love Bo for a lifetime)_ ]

He'd gotten emotional when he premiered _Satisfied_ the night before at an X Nine concert in Hangzhou. He had known it was probably going to be their last appearance as a group, as he and some other members took their careers in new directions. Happily, though, Yibo was shooting in Hangzhou, and was able to be there after the concert to celebrate his birthday with him. It was comforting to know that this part of his life, at least, would stay the same.

Then things got busy. Xiao Zhan recorded a music video, shot some ads and fashion spreads, and then went straight into filming back to back period dramas.

Even though this schedule left him almost no time for anything else in his life, it was fine (he told himself) -- he was the sort of person who thrived on being busy, who felt energized by learning new things. And there was still so much to learn about being an idol.

The downside, of course, was not being able to see much of Yibo, who was far away filming _Gank Your Heart_. But they made do as they always had when work got in the way.

_[Some stored content...modern man will soon have a surname_

_Kadian: 17:42, or 一起是爱, yiqi shi ai (together is love)]_

_Yibo: More puzzles, ge?_

_XZ: Just having fun with some old photos from Japan_ 😈

_XZ: Missing my modern man_

_Yibo: Check your Weibo_

__

_[Bubbling up_ (slang for when a quiet person pops up to be heard)

_Kadian: 18:47, or 一博是妻, Yibo shi qi (Yibo is wife)]_

Although he was grateful to be occupied with work, Xiao Zhan felt the separation from Yibo more keenly than he did the previous year. It was inevitable, after spending so much time together for months on the _A-Ling_ set.

Yibo was being very… Yibo about being apart so much. As if missing someone were a competition, and he had to be the best at it.

He had always been more demanding of Xiao Zhan’s time and attention, and wasn’t adjusting well at all to seeing each other only a day or two every few weeks. And since Xiao Zhan was filming on a mountainous set for _Jade Dynasty_ , there were times when he couldn’t check in by phone all day, meaning that some nights he’d get back to the hotel and find several increasingly pouty texts from Yibo, and occasionally, a drunken voice message.

“It’s a little unnerving for me to be getting drunk-dialed by you while you’re out carousing with your _Gank_ co-stars,” Xiao Zhan said one night during their video chat. He had tried to keep his voice light, but the thought of Yibo getting wasted with his young and attractive castmates made his stomach clench uncomfortably. “Do you even know what you’re doing when you drink that much?”

Yibo snorted. “Are you serious, Ge? I’m calling to tell you how much I miss you, and all you notice is that I’ve had a few drinks?” And anyway, I called you when I was hanging out with Feng-ge. In Bulgaria. But apparently you don’t care enough to know where I am each day.” Yibo laughed as he said it, but there was a knife edge to his voice that Xiao Zhan couldn’t miss.

“ _Aish_ , Yibo, that’s not fair. Your schedule is--”

“It’s not that hard,” Yibo cut in impatiently. “It’s been the same for several weeks now, if you’d been paying attention.”

Xiao Zhan huffed out an exasperated sigh. “I _do_ pay attention! I see all the leaked videos of you with your arm around your cute co-star, looking all _in love_.”

Yibo gasped, a grin spreading across his face. “Are you _jealous_ , Ge? Of a _girl_?”

“It’s not impossible,” grumbled Xiao Zhan. “Things happen on set. I know you've got kiss scenes…”

“Don’t be stupid, Zhan-ge. It _is_ impossible. Why would I look twice at anyone else when I have you? You know it’s just work.” Yibo smiled sweetly.

Xiao Zhan eyed him through the screen. “Lao Wang. Why are you smiling like that?”

“You’re jealous,” Yibo exclaimed in a sing-song voice. He smirked in satisfaction. “Tell me you miss me. You miss me, don’t you, Ge?”

“Of course I miss you, you idiot.”

\-------------

The holidays were particularly rough, filming in a cold, desolate location with no days off. Xiao Zhan wasn’t the complaining type, but spending Christmas Day working on set wasn’t part of the life he’d envisioned when he chose the idol path. It put him in a maudlin mood, and so he posted a sad video of him trudging across a snowy set, Mariah Carey’s “All I Want For Christmas is You” playing in the background, and the words “Lonely Christmas” splashed in red across the screen. 

He had tried to lighten the mood of the video by adding “OK! I’m fine!” to the caption, but there really wasn’t any hiding how alone he was feeling.

__

It was more of the same as the year came to a close, with Xiao Zhan still stuck in the mountains, and Yibo far away in Hangzhou filming _Gank_ , basically playing himself. Well, a version of him that had an adorable girlfriend. 

_It's just work_ , he told himself, but it ate at him anyway. He had always known this was going to happen -- that they’d end up in roles where they’d need to sell the fantasy of a relationship with someone else. 

But having to lay low, to give Yibo the room to convincingly play some cute girl’s boyfriend, made the holidays apart even harder.

_Back to the secret messaging._

__

_[_ _Things that cannot be brought with me, leave it with 2018!_

_A rare deep mountain New Year’s Eve!_

_2019 go!!!!!!_

_Kadian: 22:18, 爱爱一博, ai ai Yibo (love love Yibo) or 10:18 pm, 要你一博, yao ni Yibo (want you Yibo)]_

\-------------

  
  


“What do you want me to do about it," Xiao Zhan asked. "Not work?” 

It was January, _Jade Dynasty_ had just wrapped, and they were finally getting to see each other for the first time in over a month. “You’re the one leaving tomorrow for filming, while I’ll be home in Beijing for _days_.” Xiao Zhan leaned back on the couch and folded his arms behind his head, a lopsided grin on his lips.

Yibo, not amused, slapped him across his thigh. “No, you don’t get to pin this one on me. _Gank_ will wrap soon, and then I’ll be the one at home while you’re off filming again.”

“Ah, Bo-ge, I’m not actually blaming you. As you say, _it’s just work_.” Xiao Zhan’s voice was warm and soothing, coaxing Yibo to slide forward and mold himself to Xiao Zhan’s body. He exhaled in satisfaction as Xiao Zhan’s strong arms wrapped around his shoulders. 

Xiao Zhan lazily dragged his fingers in circles on Yibo’s back. “So yeah, I’ll be filming again soon, and you’ll have your normal level of schedule and travel chaos with _Tian Tian Xiang Shang_ and all your photoshoots and promotional work and everything else.”

“Yeah, yeah,” Yibo sighed. “But it doesn’t mean I have to like it.” He paused, biting his lips. “ _You_ don’t seem to mind, though.”

“What makes you think I’m fine with being away from all this?” Xiao Zhan folded himself around Yibo’s body and ran his hands down, down, coming to rest on his ass. He grinned and raised his eyebrows.

Xiao Zhan was surprised when Yibo didn’t respond to the flirty teasing, and instead buried his face into Xiao Zhan’s neck. Yibo’s deep voice rumbled into his chest. “I read your interview.”

“Mn? Which interview are you talking about?”

“Oh, just the one where you say you _prefer_ to maintain a weaker contact, and to be more independent in a relationship.” Yibo recited these words in a way that made clear he’d been turning them over in his head for some time. He faltered. “You - you don’t _want_ to be constantly chatting with - with me, checking in with me.”

Xiao Zhan’s mind raced, trying to recall when he’d said these things.

“Work is _busy_ , you said, so you don’t have time to follow what I’m doing,” Yibo continued. He was most definitely pouting now.

 _Ah, this interview._ It was the one he’d done for X Nine’s latest album, and he’d been asked about his thoughts on relationships. Xiao Zhan hummed and pulled Yibo close. “I said I wouldn’t want a relationship that existed only online, and obviously we’re more than that.”

“Barely,” Yibo grumbled.

Xiao Zhan slapped at his shoulders. “ _Aiyaa_ , Lao Wang, don’t be such a drama queen. I don’t like being apart so much either, but it doesn’t make what we have any less real.”

“I know, I know,” Yibo groaned. “But do you have to be so satisfied with it, and give interviews that sound like you might actually _prefer_ not to see me?”

Xiao Zhan laughed softly and ran his fingers through Yibo’s hair. “Maybe I was trying to talk myself into being okay with separation. But it’s true that I don’t want to spend my time away from you crying about it and being miserable. Dwelling on what we can’t really control will only make us unhappy and resentful. I mean, is that really what you want from me?”

Yibo rolled his eyes in resignation. “No. Well -- maybe I’d feel better if you were just a _little_ more miserable without me…”

“I suppose I can give you that,” Xiao Zhan allowed, eyes twinkling mischievously. “I _am_ an actor, after all.”

“Jerk.” Yibo tried to swat at Xiao Zhan, but he was too wrapped up in his arms to manage it. “I’m not asking you to _pretend_ to miss me, you ass!”

Laughing, Xiao Zhan flipped Yibo over on the couch, pressing him down with his body. He propped himself up on an elbow and with his other hand, ran his fingers across Yibo’s cheek and down his jawline. Yibo gave a quiet gasp, his lips parting slightly. _God, he’s beautiful._ Xiao Zhan leaned down and kissed Yibo gently, then more insistently.

Yibo squirmed under him, softly moaning. Xiao Zhan pulled back, enjoying how Yibo’s pale skin was beginning to flush. He traced his fingers along Yibo’s lips, now full and wet. Yibo’s eyes went glassy with want, and Xiao Zhan smirked, drawing out his words, low and slow, just to torture Yibo a little longer.

“Do you really think, _gouzai_ , that I don’t miss you when we’re apart? If you doubted me, let me tell you. I miss you terribly. I think about you all the time. When I’m on set, and you’re not there to annoy me. When I’m in bed, and you're not there to...” He arched an eyebrow at Yibo, who sucked in a breath. 

“But being away from each other for so long makes coming back together even more beautiful, doesn’t it? More… enjoyable?” He kissed him deeply, smothering any answer Yibo might have given. Their legs tangled together as they ground against each other.

Yibo whined as Xiao Zhan broke off the kiss again to murmur into his ear. “Can you feel how much I’ve missed you? All those weeks apart make me appreciate how happy I am when I’m with you. So I treasure you even more because I know every moment I can have with you is precious. Don’t--”

“Ge,” Yibo breathed, his voice ragged as he cupped his hands around Xiao Zhan’s face and pulled him in for another kiss. “Shut up. Too much talking.”

\-------------

In April, it was Xiao Zhan’s turn to feel resentful. Yibo had been so vocal about his frustration with Xiao Zhan’s filming schedule that he relented and carved out a few days to come back to Beijing -- only to have Yibo’s work responsibilities whittle down their time together to almost nothing.

Xiao Zhan hadn’t wanted to pick a fight over a spoiled weekend together and waste what little time was left. But then Yibo needled him about making another trip home two weeks later to watch Yibo race in his first motorcycle competition.

“Zhan-ge, it’s my first race! How can you miss it? You have to be there.” He bounced into Xiao Zhan’s lap like an overexcited puppy, but his tone was insistent, demanding.

“Bo-ge,” Xiao Zhan said in a warning tone. “You know I can’t ask for more days off so soon.”

Yibo shoved his shoulder. “Bullshit. You can. You just don’t want to.”

Xiao Zhan shot him an exaggerated stare, using that moment to try to control his rising anger. _This boy._ “I just asked for _this_ weekend off, remember? What am I supposed to say to the director, huh? My boyfriend is racing so I need another couple of days off?”

“Yes.”

“No.”

Yibo’s playful manner dissipated. He crossed his arms, eyes flashing. “I don’t get why you can’t do this for me. Why you won’t come support me. _Trash boyfriend._ ”

 _Fuck that_. Xiao Zhan dumped Yibo off his lap onto the couch, hands punctuating the emotions suddenly spilling free, his sharp Chongqing accent making the words cut deeper. “Listen, Yibo, I’m not just another _thing_ in your life that if you just work hard enough or you’re persistent enough, you can just bend to your will. I don’t exist just to be a supporting actor in the drama of your life, you know. It’s like you forget that I’m a separate person, with goals of my own!”

“I - I know that!” Yibo shouted back. “You - you don’t think I know that?”

Xiao Zhan barked out a bitter laugh. “Sometimes I wonder! You get on my case all the time for not being around as much as _you_ want because I’m filming, but it’s not like you don’t also have an insane schedule. Like this weekend -- _no let me finish!_ \-- yeah, it happens, the crazy schedule, stuff always coming up, and yeah, sometimes work comes first. _You_ didn’t get to where you are now without putting in the time and making the sacrifices, so why do you think it’s different for me?”

The room was eerily quiet for a long moment, and then Yibo mumbled, “I was there for your birthday. And - and I cancelled a job to sing with you.”

Xiao Zhan exhaled, letting go of the tension and frustration that he was still holding in his shoulders. “I know. And I appreciate that. I do. But... that was one gig -- you’re asking me to get the director to change a shoot schedule that impacts a lot of other people, not just me.”

But Yibo had a point.

He _had_ canceled an important commitment so he could come back and record a duet with him for the _A-Ling_ soundtrack. He didn’t have to -- they could have recorded their tracks separately and let the mixer blend their voices together. 

Xiao Zhan recalled that when he and Yibo couldn’t mesh their schedules for the “modern” part of the _Bazaar_ photoshoot the previous summer, the photographer staged their individual photos so that the final layout could look as if they’d been there at the same time. 

But the breathtaking photos from their joint photoshoot made clear they were better when they could stand side by side one another. So Yibo made sure he’d be there so they could sing their duet together, hands clasped tightly because Lin Hai, the composer, surely seeing something between them, suggested it.

Everything was better when they were together.

In the end, though, Xiao Zhan couldn’t bring himself to ask for more days off to go to Yibo’s race. He didn’t want to trouble the director and production staff, and risk causing delays for the shoot. So he wasn’t there when the race ended and Yibo was in tears over a mechanical failure that had kept him from finishing. 

Xiao Zhan felt terrible about missing the race, and worried that at some level Yibo resented him for not being there for him. At some level, he resented himself.

He thought about Wei Ying and Lan Zhan, and how other priorities in their lives -- to their sects, to people in need -- had kept them from being there for each other. It was only after Wei Ying fell off a cliff and very literally hit rock bottom that they found a path to happiness together. He sighed. Life didn’t have to imitate art. There was surely another way to find balance.

\-------------

When _A-Ling_ ’s air date was announced, things only got crazier. _Doulou Continent_ was wrapping, but now Xiao Zhan had more work than he’d ever had before, and also had to fit in time for interviews, fanmeets, and other promotional work. 

Once _A-Ling_ actually started airing, the fan frenzy made everything even harder to manage. How did _A-Ling_ go from a drama that A-listers didn’t want to have anything to do with to a phenomenon that was selling out arenas for fanmeets?

The sudden fame was disorienting. Company after company came calling, wanting Xiao Zhan to shoot ads, to endorse their products, to show up at their events. He had never had these kinds of opportunities before, and didn’t know how much longer it would last, so he wasn’t going to let them go. 

Happily, _A-Ling_ promotion meant more time together, goofing around on camera, making each other laugh, just like they had the previous summer. But it was hard to figure out where the “normal co-star” boundaries were supposed to be after being more than that to each other for so long. It didn’t help that everyone seemed to be egging them on when they slipped and showed too much familiarity.

Maybe it was precisely because Yibo had been a fixture in his life for over two years that when there were schedule conflicts, time with Yibo was often the first thing to be sacrificed.

It didn’t take long for Yibo to call him on it. Yibo had asked him to be his guest for _Tian Tian Xiang Shang_ ’s 11th Anniversary episode, but Xiao Zhan was waffling. He’d already committed to shoot a long, music-video style commercial for Olay, and didn’t want to inconvenience a new business partner by asking to reschedule.

“This is really important to me, Ge.” Yibo was calling from his dressing room on the _Tian Tian Xiang Shang_ set.

It felt like deja vu, with Xiao Zhan once again grasping for a way to break the news to Yibo that he wouldn’t be able to make it. “I know, Bo-ge, but I already agreed to this MV. Try to understand. I can’t back out. They’ve got a whole crew that would have to be rescheduled.”

“Rescheduling happens all the time! Just tell them you have a conflict you need to work around.” Yibo’s voice was low and pleading. “This is our anniversary episode, just once a year! It’s - it’s gonna be really special. Please, Ge.”

Xiao Zhan thought about the Olay music video, how it was going to be shot as a mini-movie, with several other actors and a substantial crew, and how he might get branded as troublesome talent for forcing everyone to accommodate his timetable. 

By contrast, he would be just another guest on _Tian Tian Xiang Shang_ , so his presence wouldn’t be missed. He tried to reason with Yibo. “Maybe rescheduling is something that happens all the time for you, but - but I’m not you.”

“You just don’t want to do it!” Yibo was shouting now. “It’s always like this… you have two choices, and you never choose me!”

Yibo ended the call.

Xiao Zhan sighed and texted Yibo.

_XZ: Will you please tell Wang Han that I’m sorry I won’t be able to make it?_

_Yibo: Tell him yourself_

His phone rang in his hand.

“ _Wei?_ ”

“Ah, Xiao Zhan? It’s Wang Han.”

Xiao Zhan felt his stomach flip. “Oh! Wang _Xiansheng_! I - I was just about to give you a call.”

“Yes, I heard.” There was a beat, then Wang Han chuckled. “Actually, we all heard.”

Xiao Zhan winced, thinking about how Yibo had been yelling on their call and how much the rest of the _TTXS_ crew must have overheard. “I’m - I’m so sorry, Wang _Xiansheng_ , I -“

“Please -- call me Han-ge, ah?”

Xiao Zhan nodded, and then remembered that he was not on a video call. “Mn, my apologies, W - Han-ge!”

“Not at all.” Han-ge got down to business. “I’m calling to see if you might reconsider the invitation to be a guest on our show. I understand you have a conflict?”

“Yes. I’m very flattered to be invited to be your guest, but I had already committed to do a music video for Olay, and it’s a two-day shoot. The second day is the day of the _Tian Tian Xiang Shang_ taping.”

Han-ge hummed in sympathy. “Well, you know, each of the hosts has invited a friend to be a guest on this episode, so your invitation is not from us, it’s from Yibo. We, of course, would love to have you join us, but you would be _Yibo’s_ guest…” He paused meaningfully. “Not that that should make it any less important, of course. In fact, maybe that should make it _more_ important to you.”

There was silence on the line as Xiao Zhan tried to process what, exactly, he meant by that. Han-ge went on.

“Look, I’m not calling to tell you what you should do, but maybe I can give you some advice, as someone who has been around in this business awhile, ah? It’s this: never forget the truly important things in life. It’s admirable that you want to be a man of your word, and that you don’t want to cause trouble by changing your plans -- that is an attitude that will serve you well. But be careful not to get so caught up in accommodating your corporate partners that you neglect what is most precious to you. Do you understand?”

“Yes, sir,” Xiao Zhan agreed. But inside, he was panicking a little, asking himself, _What does he know?_ White noise filled his ears, making it hard for him to think, to try to unravel Han-ge’s point. 

As if he were reading Xiao Zhan’s mind, Han-ge said simply, “Yibo will always be there for you. Will Olay?” 

\-------------

Xiao Zhan looked out the window of the van at the massive crowds lined up outside the venue for another _A-Ling_ fanmeet, this time in Thailand. It was September, at the end of a whirlwind season of… well, everything.

The shocking and unexpected success of _A-Ling_ had brought so many new opportunities -- new roles, invitations to sing on stage, glamorous events, fashion spreads, new endorsements. But the best thing was doing promotion for _A-Ling_ because it meant having Yibo by his side, celebrating something beautiful that they’d created together. 

Getting to spend another magical summer with Yibo. That was what was important.

After Han-ge’s call, Xiao Zhan had arranged to compress his Olay shoot to one day -- to make time for Yibo, to be there for him as his guest on _Tian Tian Xiang Shang_. It had been a bit of a hassle for Olay, but in the end, it was worth it. The _TTXS_ anniversary episode had been really special, as Yibo promised it would be. 

It wasn’t just Yibo who was excited that he would be a guest. Even though there had been a half dozen other guests on stage that day, the staff had announced the episode by posting online, “On _Tian Tian Xiang Shang_ ’s 11th anniversary, Wang Yibo finally brings Xiao Zhan home,” as if the main point of the whole celebration was that Yibo was bringing his boyfriend home to meet the family. 

Which he kind of was.

Yibo’s _TTXS_ brothers roasted their beloved _didi_ by showing Xiao Zhan his adorable baby pictures, prompting them to sing musical confessions to one another, and testing them on their tacit understanding -- just as they often did with other star couples who guested on the show.

It had been exactly what Yibo had always wanted -- to have their relationship recognized and embraced by the people closest to him. And Xiao Zhan had almost allowed work to steal that away from Yibo.

He didn’t want to let that happen again.

It wasn’t easy, though. As the date of the Thai fanmeet approached, Yibo was in Chengdu, shooting _Legend of Fei_ , and Xiao Zhan was in Wuxi, shooting _Oath of Love_. They hadn’t been able to meet up in over a month because of their work schedules, so they made a special effort to attend the fanmeet -- to see each other, and to relive the magic of _A-Ling_.

Xiao Zhan couldn’t wait to see Yibo, but instead of the joyful reunion he’d imagined in his head, Yibo arrived at the fanmeet in tears. As soon as they had a free moment, Xiao Zhan pulled Yibo into a private room and hugged him close.

“Hey, _gouzai_ , what’s wrong?”

Yibo held on to Xiao Zhan with a touch of desperation, careful not to mess up their hair and makeup. “We’re only going to get t-today, and then you’re gone to Italy and I’ll be back on set and - and I don’t know when we’re going to - to see each other again…” 

Xiao Zhan laughed softly, but his heart broke a little as he rubbed Yibo’s back. To everyone else, Yibo was an unstoppable force, cold and confident, but here he was, vulnerable and emotional in Xiao Zhan’s arms. “I’m right here! Don’t miss me before I’m gone.”

Yibo pouted. “I can’t help it. I hate this. I don’t want to waste what little time we have together playing stupid games on stage, where I can’t even touch you.”

“Ah, well, remember that it’s because of this fanmeet that we were able to carve out time from filming -- otherwise, maybe we wouldn’t even have today. And those stupid games will be recorded for posterity -- so smile, and we’ll be able to watch them together and enjoy those memories again and again. You’ll see. It’ll be a gift, just like _A-Ling_ was.” He tipped Yibo’s chin up and kissed him lightly on the lips.

Yibo made a face. “Why do you have to be so reasonable?” He sighed heavily. “You just don’t--”

Xiao Zhan swatted him on the arm. “Lao Wang, are we starting again? Of course I miss you when we’re apart, you brat!” He laughed, and then his voice turned reassuring. “But we’ll be fine. We’ll find a way to see each other, and even if we can’t, know that I’m always thinking about you, okay? _Bu wang._ ” He caressed Yibo’s cheek and let his hand trail down to pat Yibo’s chest, feeling the familiar ox head pendant that he knew would be hanging around Yibo’s neck.

He’d given this necklace to Yibo back in June when they’d managed to meet up for a visit -- a few days before the Dragon Boat Festival.

“One of these years,” he had said to Yibo, “maybe we’ll actually get to spend our special day together, maybe make it a real anniversary.”

Yibo had looked up in surprise. “One of - of these _years_? An - an - anniversary?” Xiao Zhan remembered how Yibo had stammered so adorably, eyes welling up with tears as he took in the implication of these words.

Xiao Zhan had milked the moment for all it was worth, putting on a meme-worthy face of shock and dismay and clutching at his chest dramatically. “Oh, I’m sorry, did you have other plans? Maybe with someone your own age? Some other gege?”

Yibo hadn’t known whether to hit him or to cry, and Xiao Zhan had dissolved into laughter watching him struggle with how to react.

Over two years with this ridiculous boy, and Xiao Zhan was still utterly smitten. He couldn’t imagine being with anyone else. He wouldn’t have brought just anyone home for Lunar New Year.

Alone together in a room in Thailand, Yibo raised his hand and placed it on Xiao Zhan’s over the ox head necklace. After the fanmeet, they’d have to part again. But this was a promise that there would always be a sweet reunion. Yibo smiled. “Yeah, we’ll figure it out.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> References:
> 
> Post-227 things, including the death of Xiao Zhan’s grandfather: <https://38jiejie.com/2020/03/03/xiao-zhan-continues-to-suffer-backlash-from-the-ao3-controversy/>
> 
> When Xiao Zhan didn’t think he would debut: <https://twitter.com/loeyxzhan01127/status/1286856571692044289>
> 
> Xiao Zhan sings "Satisfied" during the X Nine concert on October 4, 2018: <https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qnpM1lZxb-0>
> 
> Xiao Zhan celebrates his birthday during the X Nine concert: <https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=euUAp3WDm7U>
> 
> Yibo visited Xiao Zhan to celebrate his birthday: <https://twitter.com/nahz_oaix/status/1312805053829320704>
> 
> Xiao Zhan’s “Satisfied” MV filmed October 7, 2018:  
> <https://twitter.com/xzhan1005/status/1272337009802129408?s=20>
> 
> Post on Xiao Zhan's November 2018 post and Yibo’s “responding” post: <https://untamedconnotations.tumblr.com/post/620384823270375424/miumiyu-replied-to-your-post-a-lot-of-folks>
> 
> Xiao Zhan’s sad Christmas 2018 post: <https://www.facebook.com/DAYTOYXIAOZHAN/posts/587067895051237>
> 
> Xiao Zhan doesn’t mind long distance and says weaker connections are more comfortable in a mature relationship: <https://xzhan1005.wordpress.com/2019/12/10/keep-online-album-interview-xiaozhan/>
> 
> Yibo cancelled a job to record _Wuji_ with Xiao Zhan in March 2019: <https://twitter.com/Ventus1821/status/1276014359085346816?s=20>
> 
> Yibo in tears at the end of his May 2019 motorcycle race: <https://filmdaily.co/news/wang-yibo-motorcycling-career/>
> 
> Yibo talks in the July 21, 2019 _TTXS_ episode about how he fights with his partner: [ https://twitter.com/yibolimbo/status/1318657184993927169?s=21](https://twitter.com/yibolimbo/status/1318657184993927169?s=21)
> 
> The Olay music video that Xiao Zhan filmed in July 2019: <https://youtu.be/kbKHdw_3_58>
> 
> Olay is reported to tax authorities by fans, allegedly in retaliation for not standing behind Xiao Zhan after 227: <https://jingdaily.com/olays-ambassador-controversy-startles-chinas-tax-authority/>
> 
> Rumored conflict over Xiao Zhan not making time for the _TTXS_ 11th anniversary episode in July 2019: <https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n7n2k13gDdE>
> 
> Tears at Thai fanmeet in September 2019: <https://twitter.com/Ventus1821/status/1281631460248612864?s=20>
> 
> _TTXS_ was excited to welcome Xiao Zhan in July 2019, posting online that Yibo was “finally bringing Xiao Zhan home” to visit: <https://twitter.com/oldobsess/status/1288528871499993090?s=21>
> 
> The July 28, 2019 _TTXS_ episode: [https://m.mgtv.com/b/327225/6096848.html?t=videoshare&tc=jXKKosRPSAN7&dc=FC047721-08D2-4C2C-AB76-D33B4AD3FAFB](https://m.mgtv.com/b/327225/6096848.html?t=videoshare&tc=jXKKosRPSAN7&dc=FC047721-08D2-4C2C-AB76-D33B4AD3FAFB)
> 
> Some cute Douyin of fancams from the _TTXS_ episode: <https://twitter.com/yibolimbo/status/1316792995555893249?s=21>
> 
> First public sighting of the Gucci ox head necklace, June 19, 2019 on the way to Chongqing: <https://twitter.com/od0_0bo/status/1198801228202831873?s=20>
> 
> About that ox head necklace: <https://twolonesomestars.tumblr.com/post/623013821310779392/bjyx>


	18. Leo

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yibo ponders the illusion of control.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I adore feedback from readers, so please leave comments if you have thoughts, questions, or just want to emote about the boys!
> 
> If you enjoyed this story, you might like this collection of other [short works](https://archiveofourown.org/series/1998622) that live in the same universe.
> 
> tw for this chapter: light choking/bdsm

**_March 2020, Hengdian_ **

Yibo was distractedly skating around the _Fei_ set, trying to work off the nervous energy he’d been feeling ever since he found out Xiao Zhan had taken his frustrations out on their bathroom mirror. 

He thought he had understood what Xiao Zhan was feeling. Yibo was a pathologically competitive person himself, so he knew how poorly _he_ would take to being knocked out of the game the way Xiao Xhan had been. 

But as much as they often seemed to share the same mind, they were still very different people. And the crucible of the past few weeks had laid bare those differences, making Yibo question whether he was giving Xiao Zhan what he really needed.

There was a part of Yibo that was kicking himself for not pushing Xiao Zhan to open up more, to stop with the self-effacing jokes, the nibbling around the edges of what the whole crisis was doing to him. If he had, and they’d had a chance to talk it through, maybe he wouldn’t have snapped like he did. 

Or maybe Yibo would have made things worse.

There is no script for what to say when someone you love is hurting, especially when everything about you seems to be a reminder of that hurt.

Yibo chewed on his lip, thinking of the other night, when he’d sorely wished he’d had someone to write lines for him. It had started when Xiao Zhan had been teasing him about the _sasaeng_ videos of him leaving and returning to his hotel in Hengdian each day.

“No one can see your face under the mask and hat, Lao Wang, and even your clothes are so nondescript. Without Lele there carrying your skateboard, how would they even know it was you? Honestly, why do they bother?”

Yibo laughed. “Right? But it’s not just me -- they do it to you too!”

Xiao Zhan looked pained for a moment, then laughed along with Yibo. “Used to, anyway.” He was lost in thought for a beat, and then his eyes suddenly lit up. “Hey -- have you gotten any previews of that photoshoot you did for _T_? Those have to be more interesting to look at.”

Yibo hummed as he flipped through his phone to find the photos. “Yeah, but you’re not going to complain about me sending you a bunch of professional photos, are you?” 

Xiao Zhan snorted. “I’m always home these days, on wifi, so… no worries there, right? Anyway… I could use some hi-def photos of my man. Yu Cong shot them, didn’t he?”

“He did -- he’s got a great eye for the dramatic. And, uh, was game to recreate some poses.” Yibo selected a few photos and sent them off.

He couldn’t see Xiao Zhan onscreen, but his audible gasp let him know he’d received the photos. And then: “This first one looks a little like a pose from the Madame Figaro photoshoot he did for me.”

Yibo grinned. “That was the idea. Do you like it? Am I handsome?”

There was a long exhale on the phone, followed by that honeyed voice that Yibo loved so much. “So handsome, Lao Wang. Maybe... _too_ handsome. Yours is definitely the hotter take on the pose. Mn. Your lips, that sharp jawline, and _holy shit_ , your throat, and uh, that mesh shirt... Yeah. Definitely hotter.”

“Bullshit.”

“No, really. I’m, um, damn...” Xiao Zhan trailed off, occasionally making incoherent noises, presumably as he looked through the other photos. Finally, he reappeared on the screen, fanning himself dramatically.

Yibo laughed, preening a little. “Ah, you really like them, then?”

“I do, yeah.” Xiao Zhan said, deep and just a little rough. Yibo felt his ears redden, his heart beat a bit quicker. All these years, and he still couldn’t get enough of the man’s attention.

“I mean,” Xiao Zhan continued, “I still prefer the Wang Yibo who wakes up next to me, bare-faced with bedhead and _no clothes_ to the unapproachable, hot-as-hell one in designer clothes… It’s more that it’s… it’s…” He dropped his eyes and bit his lip. “It’s hard to share, you know?”

Yibo does know. God, does he know.

“Why do you think I’m so tired of not being able to tell everyone that you’re mine? I hate having to sit back and let people fantasize about you being their perfect boyfriend or husband or whatever.” Yibo could feel his shoulders tense just thinking about it. “You know. I’ve _never_ liked it.”

Xiao Zhan made a sound somewhere between a laugh and a whine. “And how do you think _I_ feel these days, with all of China salivating over my hot man’s photoshoots, stills from his filming set, his shows, his ads? You’re everywhere, but out of my reach, and I can’t tell anyone to keep their hands off.” Yibo watched as he looked away, suddenly pensive. He shook his head. “Everyone but me gets a piece of you now.”

“Come on, Ge -- it is worse for me,” Yibo teased, aiming to lighten the mood with a little competitive banter. “You can stalk me online through all that content. Everyone knows where I am at all times, what I’m doing, who I’m with. You -- I can’t do that for you now. You could be seeing someone else on the side, and how would I ever know?”

As soon as the words left Yibo’s lips, he knew he’d gone too far.

Xiao Zhan’s eyes flicked up to the screen, and Yibo saw in his beautiful face a mix of hurt and disappointment, his quicksilver temper turning in an instant. 

“Well, that’s a terrible thing for you to even joke about.”

“Ge, I’m - I’m sorry, I didn’t mean --”

“I’m basically under house arrest,” Xiao Zhan spit out, his silky voice suddenly clipped and bristling with sharp edges. “I can’t work, I don’t see friends, I can’t even go grocery shopping, for fuck’s sake, and you think I could -- or would even think --”

“Zhan-ge, I wasn’t serious, I was just --”

“You --” Xiao Zhan started. He bit back his anger and breathed it out, then closed his eyes. “It just isn't cute or funny right now.”

Back on the _Fei_ set, Yibo kicked his skateboard up into his hands and stared off towards the mountains that loomed in the distance. From the moment he met Xiao Zhan, he’d felt this restlessness that this man that he’d coveted from first glance would somehow slip away when he wasn’t looking.

And so he’d hovered and loomed and drank in the sight and feel of him every chance he got.

It wasn’t that Xiao Zhan didn’t enjoy being the center of Yibo’s attention -- he basked in it, and indulged and even encouraged Yibo’s clinginess -- but it was a constant struggle for Yibo to figure out when he had tipped from being adorably needy into being annoyingly controlling and paranoid.

He knew Xiao Zhan had found it exasperating when Yibo would return to the _A-Ling_ set from _Produce 101_ or _Tian Tian Xiang Shang_ and interrogate him about what he’d been up to in his absence.

_Do you have someone else on the outside?_

_You’re the one constantly leaving the set, Wang Laoshi, not me. Why are you always asking me this question when you return?_

_Tell me._

_I don’t! I don’t! Are you satisfied?_

_If you did, I’d bite you to death._

_Aish, Wang Yibo, are you even human? Go away. I can’t talk to you when you’re being like this._

Yibo cringed, thinking back to how childishly possessive he had been that summer, how he had sulked every time Xiao Zhan spent any of his precious attention on anyone else. 

He knew he’d always driven Xiao Zhan a little crazy with his jealousy, but that summer, his free-floating anxiety about losing Xiao Zhan found purchase in his daily observation of just how _desirable_ his man was to everyone, how casually flirtatious Xiao Zhan could be, and how enthusiastically other people responded to him.

The intensity of his emotions had surprised even him, and he found he couldn’t hide how he was feeling -- meaning their castmates learned quickly that too much familiarity with Xiao Zhan would bring an annoyed Yibo stalking over, eyes flashing. 

But now Yibo was thousands of miles away from Xiao Zhan, and he could no longer warn people off with a look, couldn’t take Xiao Zhan by the arm and lead him away. Hell, he couldn’t even utter his name in public anymore, let alone tell anyone that Xiao Zhan was _his_.

It was a helpless feeling he was all too familiar with.

\-------------

**_November 2018, Bulgaria_ **

After _A-Ling_ wrapped, and they weren’t on set together every day anymore, Yibo found that his need to know where Xiao Zhan was or who he was with had become a bottomless pit of worry. So whenever he wasn’t on camera, he was on his phone, messaging with Xiao Zhan, checking for messages from Xiao Zhan, sending messages to Xiao Zhan, or searching online for anything on Xiao Zhan.

No one seemed to care about Yibo’s obsessive phone habits on the _Gank_ set, but his _TTXS_ brothers noticed, especially when they traveled to Bulgaria together and shared a flat for filming. Engrossed in his phone, Yibo managed to ignore all the curious ribbing, but finally broke down when Feng-ge badgered him about it on the last night, after filming was done for the day and Yibo had had too many beers.

“I’m just missing someone,” he slurred, hands curled around a phone that hadn’t given him the pings he’d wanted all night.

“Do you mean Xiao Zhan?” Feng-he's eyes were teasing but kind, and Yibo felt a weight lift off his chest as soon as Feng-ge spoke Xiao Zhan’s name.

“You - you knew?” Yibo whispered.

“Oh Yibo,” Feng-ge smiled. “Your face gave it away when we used to pick on you after he came on the show. And then once filming began…” He shook his head fondly.

Yibo scrambled to sit up, but could only manage to slump against the armrest of the couch. “Then what? What did I do?”

Feng-ge took a swig of his beer and chuckled softly. “Just that when we would ask you about how filming was going, you seemed so happy, and you had so many things to say about a co-star for once. I mean, a lot to say for you, at least! I don’t think you’ve said two words about your _Gank_ shoot, let alone your co-star, for example.”

Yibo smiled a lopsided grin, but then it slid off his face as he cast an accusing eye at his silent phone.

“I miss him so much, but he doesn’t miss me,” he moaned. He shook the phone. “Why hasn’t he called yet?”

Feng-ge burst out into giggles, his hand slapping the table between them. “Ah -- now you want someone to check in on you?”

Yibo scowled at Feng-ge. “What are you laughing at?”

“You!” cried Feng-ge, wiping his eyes as he started to wheeze. “Didn’t I hear you say last year that you wouldn’t want to have to report in to your other half? That you liked having your freedom?”

“I - I - I still do!” Yibo sputtered, glaring at Feng-ge. “I - I’m saying I want him to check in with _me_!”

“Oh really? Is that what’s going on here? It’s your last night in Bulgaria, and instead of going out on the town, you’re lying in a fetal position on the couch, crying because he hasn’t called or messaged you yet?” Feng-ge pointed at Yibo and cackled. “Is that a phone or is that your leash?”

“You!” Yibo lunged at Feng-ge, but stumbled awkwardly into the coffee table, taking a couple of empty beer bottles down with him.

Da Laoshi jogged into the room to investigate the commotion. “What’s going on here? You’re getting our _didi_ drunk?”

“Boy troubles,” Feng-ge offered sympathetically, handing Da Laoshi a beer.

“Ah. Xiao Zhan hasn’t called today?”

“You two shut up,” Yibo bellowed from the floor.

But Yibo knew Feng-ge was right. Yibo was not the one in control.

Once, when Yibo was leaving the _A-Ling_ set and Xiao Zhan had asked him where he was going, Yibo snarked at him, “why do you care?” and confidently strode away. _I’m my own man_ , he’d thought to himself.

When he returned to set later that day, though, Xiao Zhan had nothing to say to him. He wouldn’t respond when Yibo called his name, and just kept talking to the staff as if Yibo weren’t there, to his rising distress.

When Xiao Zhan had decided that Yibo had had enough of the silent treatment, he asked, in a tone that suggested a schoolteacher nudging a dull student towards understanding, “What did you do this morning?”

Caught off guard, Yibo had stammered, “This morning? This morning? This morning... let me, let me think, this morning I - I - I -”

At this, Xiao Zhan cut him off, his voice short and cold. “Whatever. I don’t care. You told me not to, anyway.”

Yibo could still taste the panic he’d felt in that moment, as Xiao Zhan withdrew the one thing Yibo realized he wanted most of all -- his attention. “I didn’t --”

Xiao Zhan shot back, uninterested in his response, “Get lost.”

With that, the last bit of Yibo’s bravado crumbled to dust, and he found himself apologizing profusely to Xiao Zhan and promising that he wouldn’t brush off his inquiries like that again. 

Lesson learned.

Back in Bulgaria, Yibo had propped himself up on the couch again, braced for the relentless teasing he knew he would get from his brothers, but also feeling relieved that he didn’t need to hide anymore.

Da Laoshi settled in on the couch next to him. “Yibo, Yibo, Yibo, why don’t you tell us about this tiger that has tamed our Leo, ah?”

A wave of emotion swept through Yibo, a mix of love and longing for his absent other half, and also gratitude to his brothers for offering their shoulders to cry on, an opportunity to finally unburden his heart.

“Ah, Xiao Zhan,” Yibo rambled, drunk and suddenly teary, “he’s the most beautiful, the best person… so brilliant and talented -- have you heard him sing? And he’s - he’s an artist! Did you know he designed a - a logo for me? And he cooks! Oh my god he’s such a good cook…" Yibo trailed off for a moment, thinking of the things he adored about Xiao Zhan. 

He shook his head, smiling, and continued. "He’s so perfect and I - I’ve loved him since that first day and I can’t believe he - he loves me back, you know?” Sniffling, and with a sigh, he murmured, “I just - I just miss him so much.”

Da Laoshi nodded. “That’s beautiful.”

“So beautiful,” Feng-ge agreed.

“Someday, Xiao Zhan will be so touched to watch this,” Da Laoshi added.

“Hm, what?” Yibo looked up just in time to see Da Laoshi tap his phone and tuck it into his pocket with a smirk.

“YOU RECORDED ME?” Yibo roared, tumbling to the floor with a crash as he tried to grab the phone.

Da Laoshi winked as Feng-ge howled with laughter. “What are older brothers for?”

\-------------

His brothers’ teasing came back to haunt Yibo weeks later when Xiao Zhan released an interview to go with X Nine’s new album. In it, Xiao Zhan had talked about how he preferred having weaker ties and more independence in a relationship -- especially a long distance one -- and instead of being relieved that he could keep his prized freedom, Yibo found himself whining bitterly to a bemused Xiao Zhan that he wasn’t sufficiently interested in being all up in Yibo’s business.

“You - you don’t want to be constantly chatting with - with me, checking in with me. Work is _busy_ , you said, so you don’t have time to follow what I’m doing,” Yibo had pouted, practically begging Xiao Zhan to be more clingy and demanding.

It felt like he was back on the _A-Ling_ set again, doing anything he could to try to catch Xiao Zhan’s eye -- but now he was far away on another set, and grabbing his attention would take more effort. More than Yibo ever imagined he’d make for another person.

Yibo soon knew more than he could want to know about ordering and delivering food in another city, from across the country or, if it was a certain favorite candy from Japan, via international shipping. Once, he was arguing with a delivery service over the charge for sending boxes of Xiao Zhan’s favorite chips to his set, and looked up from his phone to see Feng-ge staring at him, mouth agape. _Laugh it up -- this is what I do now._

The time he would have spent pestering Xiao Zhan on set in person was now spent trying to find ways to tell him that he was thinking of him when they couldn’t be together. 

And that’s how he ended up embracing _kadian_ , focusing his competitive energy into getting the hang of posting at just the right times to send romantic messages, the way Xiao Zhan often did.

Like on the day before White Day, when Yibo released his new single:

  
  


[ _Kadian:_ 一久战一生，一生是战 ( _yijiu Zhan yisheng, yisheng shi Zhan,_ _Zhan for a long time, a lifetime, my whole life is Zhan)]_

  
  


Or on the anniversary of the day he followed Xiao Zhan back on Weibo:

_[Beautiful meeting_

_Kadian:_ 一久是爱战, 一起战 ( _yijiu shi ai Zhan, yiqi Zhan, love Zhan for a long time, together with Zhan)]_

  
  


_Shameless_ , Xiao Zhan would laugh, but Yibo didn’t care about that. Whatever it took to get his attention. Even (and maybe especially) if Xiao Zhan's attention was a little controlling and possessive. Alpha Xiao Zhan was hot.

In July, Yibo was filming an episode of a skateboard reality show, _Extreme Youth_ , that had him taking on all kinds of stunts and challenges to win points for his team. For one, he was told he had to bridal carry one of the other team leaders -- and since he was the only male team leader, he knew he was being asked to do this to give fans the thrill of seeing the famously chilly Wang Yibo do something romantic with a woman.

He hated being paired up with female celebrities like this, because it was such a bother having to deal with the inevitable breathless speculation of _are they or aren’t they_. And even if Jealous Xiao Zhan was kind of a turn-on, he didn’t like to gratuitously poke the bear (it would be all too easy for Xiao Zhan to return the favor).

So when the time came, Yibo decided he would carry Cheng Xiao, a dancer he’d been friends with for years. She wouldn’t mistake his intentions, at least -- although in the end, no one with eyes could have found his actions remotely romantic. He’d chased after her down a sidewalk, knocked her down, and then made a half-assed effort to pick her up, eventually just leaving her on the ground and walking away.

Since the bridal carry never happened, he didn’t think to mention it to Xiao Zhan. But a cryptic Weibo update made it clear when Xiao Zhan had gotten around to watching the episode. Yibo was in a car on the way to meet him at his apartment when he saw it.

"Without lotus root, orange is fine," Xiao Zhan had written. Yibo grinned with the realization that it was a pun. Lotus root (ou) was a soundalike for "wo," meaning "I," and orange (cheng) was another soundalike for “Cheng.” _Without me, Cheng Xiao is fine._

Yibo looked at the photos Xiao Zhan had uploaded, laughing at the forced, tight smiles that he instantly recognized as his boyfriend’s “you’re in trouble when I get you alone” looks. He licked his lips in anticipation. _He’s jealous._

  
  


_[Kadian: 12:12,_ 要爱要爱, _yao ai yao ai, want love want love]_

  
  


_God, I love vinegar_ , Yibo thought as Xiao Zhan yanked him into his apartment and kissed him roughly against the wall.

“Gege,” he murmured, a smirk on his lips, “I like it when you’re mad at m-- _ngh!_ ”

He hissed as he felt Xiao Zhan’s teeth against his throat.

“You - you know nothing happened, right? It was just a stunt,” Yibo offered, testing to be sure they were on the same page.

“I know,” Xiao Zhan said lightly. His voice dropped lower as he leaned into Yibo’s ear, his voice velvety, with just a hint of steel. “I only want to remind you who you belong to.”

Yibo felt a shiver of excitement run through him. “Zhan-ge. I belong to Zhan- _gege_.” 

Xiao Zhan smiled. “Good boy. I have something for you.” He pulled something out of his pocket. “Close your eyes.” Yibo did, and felt Xiao Zhan fasten something smooth and cool around his throat.

Yibo fluttered his eyes open and touched his neck, finding a leather collar there, the buckle resting just under his Adam’s apple. “Am - am I being punished?”

“Only if you want to be,” Xiao Zhan shrugged. He slipped his fingers under the collar at the back of Yibo’s neck, tightening it.

Yibo arched, and dropped his head back against Xiao Zhan’s hand, his lips curling up slightly as he savored the sensation of pulling in a slow, rattling breath against the strap of the collar. 

Xiao Zhan’s voice was in his ear again, reassuring and calm as the edges of Yibo’s consciousness began to ripple. “I’ve got you, _gouzai_ ,” he said, guiding him towards the bedroom.

\-------------

It was still light out when Yibo woke up, Xiao Zhan curled beside him, fast asleep. Careful not to disturb him, Yibo quietly slid out of bed and headed to the bathroom to relieve himself. Washing up afterwards, he caught sight of the collar, still around his neck, high above the ox head necklace. He craned his head from side to side in satisfaction, imagining how he must have looked to Xiao Zhan.

He unfastened it, and gingerly rubbed the red welt where the buckle had been pulled taut against his neck -- a pleasant little reminder of their afternoon fun. He smiled. _If people only knew..._

Yibo padded back into the bedroom and sifted through the clothes strewn on the floor to find his phone. Settling back into bed, he pulled up a video of himself as Lan Wangji, kneeling in punishment in Cloud Recesses, and started to type:

_Compose a song and look at the past, and walk the road of loneliness and regrets! #lanwangjikneelinginthesnow #lanwangjireceivingpunishment_

He checked the time and laughed to himself. Another few minutes, and it would be perfect.

Xiao Zhan stirred next to him, shifting closer to Yibo with a soft sigh. Yibo felt his chest fill with warmth and wondered at how much he was willing to give of himself to Xiao Zhan, just to keep him close like this.

_I guess I like being possessed after all._

He turned back to his phone and hit send.

_18:06_ ... 一博你了 ... _Yibo ni le. Yibo kneel._

\-------------

**_September 2019, Wuxi_ **

“What the hell, Lao Wang?” Xiao Zhan lay back on the hotel bed, rolling his tongue on the inside of his lower lip. “The makeup jiejie are going to wonder what I did to my lip.”

Yibo threw himself down next to him and shrugged, shooting Xiao Zhan a mischievous grin. “Why not tell them the truth?” He was only partially kidding.

“Oh, yeah, sure,” Xiao Zhan huffed. “I’ll just tell them my crazy boyfriend got rough with me in bed because he was so jealous over the kiss scenes I was filming. That will go over well.” He rolled over on his side and pulled Yibo close, his voice now low and teasing. “You know, trying to mark your territory is probably going to backfire on you. Just wait, the director will just work it into the story to make the onscreen love story hotter. Or maybe they’ll release behind the scenes photos to make it seem like my co-star did this to me.”

“Don’t --” Yibo scowled. “It’s - it’s not funny.”

“ _Aiyaa_ , Bo-ge,” Xiao Zhan murmured. “We knew this was going to happen.”

“Doesn’t mean I have to like it. Yang Zi is getting more kisses from you than I am these days.” He tilted his face up with a pout. “Fifty kiss scenes --”

“I know, I know --”

“-- and a _bed scene_! And she’s your age, people want to see you with a woman, and--”

Xiao Zhan leaned down to shut Yibo up with kisses.

Yibo already felt like he wasn’t getting enough of Xiao Zhan’s time and attention, especially these days, with both of them busier than ever. But Xiao Zhan playing the leading man in a romantic drama, opposite someone that wasn't him -- well, this was Yibo’s special hell. 

_It would be so much easier for him, being with a woman._

Even as they were still doing _A-Ling_ promotions together, other fans were excitedly shipping Xiao Zhan with his _Oath of Love_ co-star, squealing over how perfect they looked together in stills from the drama and behind-the-scenes clips.

“Mark me, Ge,” Yibo demanded between kisses.

“Mmm, what? No, you’re filming.”

“Do it. I want you to do it,” Yibo insisted. “I don’t want anyone to think _she_ was the one who bit your lip--”

“Yibo.”

“Ge, please!” He knew he sounded a little deranged, begging like this to be bruised and bitten, but he didn’t care. “I need for people to see it, that I’m yours. Please- _sssaaahh_ \--” Yibo hissed as Xiao Zhan bit down and dragged his teeth over Yibo’s lip, and then bent down to suck up a welt on his throat.

But Yibo’s satisfaction at being marked didn’t last long. Not when Xiao Zhan seemed to be filming kiss scenes all the time. _Jesus, don’t these characters do anything else?_ So for his next visit, he decided to be more direct.

“Yibo? Uh, haha… what are you doing here?”

Yibo smiled broadly and held out his hand. “Hey man, good to see you,” he said too loudly. “I was in the area and I thought I’d come check out your set!”

Xiao Zhan lifted an eyebrow at Yibo and clasped his hand. “Oh cool, _man._ ” He pulled Yibo in for a shoulder bump and muttered in Yibo’s ear, “this is _totally_ normal bro behavior.”

Yibo pulled back and laughed, again too loudly. “So -- why don’t you introduce me to your castmates, Zhan-ge? Ah, and has everyone eaten? I brought some food!” He gestured towards the door at Yanyan, who was carting in platters and bags of catering.

At the hotel that night, Xiao Zhan shoved Yibo back on the bed and pinned him down.

“Not that I’m at all upset to be seeing you, but _what the fuck_ , Lao Wang? You came to my set? And you brought food for everyone like you’re my - my -”

“Yeah,” Yibo countered. “Yours. What, are you _embarrassed_?”

“Of course not,” Xiao Zhan shot back. “But maybe we should talk about stuff like this before you just spring it on me? You know, so I’m prepared for the questions?”

Yibo licked his lips. “Questions? Did _she_ ask?”

Xiao Zhan sighed and dropped down on the bed beside Yibo. “What do you think? Of course she did. That’s what you wanted out of this stunt, wasn’t it?”

“And?”

“She wanted to know what the deal was between us.”

“ _And_ …?”

“I said it was whatever she thought it was.” Xiao Zhan saw the irritation on Yibo’s face and pointed a finger at him. “Hey -- don’t look at me like that. I didn’t lie, but it’s none of her business.”

Yibo felt his face get hot and he sat up to glare at Xiao Zhan. “It should be her business, shouldn’t it? She’s making out with _my boyfriend_ \--”

“It’s work, Lao Wang, _work_!”

“And she needs to know that’s all it is,” Yibo shouted. “That you come home to _me_! Me!”

\-------------

**_March 2020, Hengdian_ **

_It’s a funny thing_ , Yibo thought to himself, _the illusion of control_.

As much as Xiao Zhan would chide him for playing the role of the jealous and controlling boyfriend, Yibo knew he wasn’t the one calling the shots. Not when he had been the one going through all the effort to get to Wuxi almost weekly to see Xiao Zhan, so desperate to hold on to what was his, to be there to kiss away all thoughts of anyone else. 

It had been almost unbearable for Yibo, imagining Xiao Zhan kissing his co-star, putting his hands on her, smiling and laughing with her, even if it was all just an act. It was real enough to everyone else. Leaks about those kiss scenes breathed life into a new CP for Xiao Zhan and his co-star and propelled them onto Hot Search together, just as the _A-Ling_ promotion period was ending and their own CP was expected to fade away.

“It’s just work,” Xiao Zhan would say -- but all Yibo could think of was just how much they themselves stretched the concept of “work” as they shamelessly flirted with each other through that unforgettable summer of filming.

And so Yibo was there on set the day _Oath of Love_ wrapped, to take Xiao Zhan home.

“Bo-ge, be reasonable,” Xiao Zhan had protested then. “Don’t you think it’s disrespectful for the lead actor to leave early and miss the wrap party?”

“Fine,” Yibo had replied with a wicked grin. “Then I’ll go with you to the party, mn?”

“ _Aiya_. You know we can’t do that, Lao Wang.”

Yibo raised his chin in challenge. “And why not? What are you afraid of, Zhan-ge?”

At this, Xiao Zhan had tilted his head at Yibo, and Yibo could still remember the touch of sadness in his eyes despite his wry smile. “After all this time, Lao Wang, what are _you_ afraid of?”

Yibo knew that Xiao Zhan didn’t need to ask.

He’d left with Yibo that night, without going to his wrap party. And afterwards, Yibo watched as Xiao Zhan sang his love for him from the _Our Song_ stage, week after week. Songs about things they’d shared together -- summer love, white clouds in a blue sky, falling in love at first sight. Xiao Zhan even sang about Yibo’s favorite color. He showed up in a _Who’s the Murderer_ episode with a bruise on his neck and a cut lip from a particularly passionate visit with Yibo. 

And at the end of the year, they accepted awards together at the Tencent Starlight Awards, not bothering to hide how happy and intimate they were with each other.

The day after Tencent, Xiao Zhan posted a photo of their breakfast for two with the caption, “Simple happiness.” Yibo had already left for his next job when he saw the post. _Is he doing this for me, to make me happy? Or is he doing it to tell everyone that I’m his?_

_Is there really a difference?_

[ _Kadian: 15:18, 要我一博, yao wo Yibo (want my Yibo), or 3:18 PM, 战一博, Zhan Yibo_ ]

  
  


In their own ways, they had been saying the same thing.

_You’re mine and I’m yours._

In January, when the day finally came that their companies told them to cool it, that it was time to let their CP die, it had been Xiao Zhan, and not Yibo, who was angry.

“I won’t do it,” he’d muttered, and Yibo had felt a flutter in his chest as he took in Xiao Zhan’s dark, brooding face on his phone’s screen. _I like it when he’s mad._

“Won’t it be unprofessional if you don’t?” Yibo prodded. “I mean, you and Yang Zi are being crowned Weibo king and queen --”

Xiao Zhan looked up, incredulous. “You - you _want_ me to walk the red carpet with her?”

Yibo burst out laughing, “Are you ill? Of course I don’t want it! It should be _us_ walking the red carpet together, but - but that’s not going to happen.” He sighed, tucking the treasured daydream away. “I’m - I’m trying to be… supportive, I guess…” His voice trailed off, and he knew he wasn’t fooling anyone -- least of all the man who had seen him pitch jealous fits over the pettiest of things over the years.

Xiao Zhan’s face softened -- and was that gratitude in his eyes? He opened his mouth to say something, but instead gave a quiet laugh and looked down. “Well, I won’t do it. Not - not with you there. Not when we’re there together.”

“But you know they’re not going to let us be together this time. Not like at Tencent, anyway.”

“Yeah. I know. I got the lecture.” He looked up at Yibo. “But _you_ know, right? Even if they try to keep us apart, pair us with other people… _you_ know right? I need you to know.”

Yibo nodded. “I know.”

And he’d meant it. Standing on the _Fei_ set, thousands of miles away from Xiao Zhan with no idea when it would be safe to see each other again -- it hurt. A lot. But it hurt because he missed him, worried about whether he was eating or sleeping enough, whether all the nonsense was getting to him. Those were the kinds of things that kept him awake now, not whether Xiao Zhan was laughing with or talking to someone that wasn’t him -- or whether Xiao Zhan loved him just as much as Yibo loved him.

That doubt was -- gone? Yibo poked at it and turned it around in his mind’s eye, his breath quickening with the euphoria of feeling… calm. It wasn’t a feeling that was easy to come by, living the lives they did, being apart as much as they were.

Feeling calm wasn’t the same as not being jealous, though -- because who was he kidding? Yibo was never going to stop being greedy for him. But it was still a welcome revelation.

He couldn’t wait to check in with Xiao Zhan, and tell him all about it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> References:
> 
> Yibo’s _T Magazine_ photos: <https://www.malemodelscene.net/editorial/wang-yibo-t-china/>
> 
> Poses from Yibo’s _T Magazine_ photoshoot that match Xiao Zhan’s earlier poses: <https://twitter.com/GusuLanDaddy/status/1249261669647187975?s=20>
> 
> Rumor that Yibo was always asking if Xiao Zhan had someone else on the side during _A-Ling_ filming: <https://twitter.com/bjyx_05080510/status/1321469359022202880?s=20>
> 
> The _TTXS_ Bulgaria episode, filmed November 1-7, 2018, air date November 25, 2018: <https://youtu.be/gtFFs7bh0KY>
> 
> During the filming of _A-Ling_ , Yibo made Xiao Zhan mad by (jokingly) refusing to tell him where he had been: <https://twitter.com/VyVy_13/status/1315849875427266563>
> 
> <https://twitter.com/Ventus1821/status/1233569289417834496?s=20>
> 
> Yibo said in a program that aired August 10, 2017 that he would prefer a partner to check in with him, rather than the other way around: <https://twitter.com/LilKingPikachu/status/1323103413299761152?s=20>
> 
> Yibo said in an October 2019 interview that he was the controlling type of boyfriend: <https://twitter.com/madetoloveXZ/status/1314185554624303104?s=20>
> 
> BTS video appears to confirm suspicion that Xiao Zhan designed Yibo’s Tracer85 racing logo and leathers: <https://twitter.com/Ventus1821/status/1326895697493331968?s=20>
> 
> Yibo had to attempt to bridal carry Cheng Xiao for the show _Extreme Youth_ : <https://twitter.com/pyiborz/status/1285650475472302081?s=20>
> 
> Yibo and some questionable statements he’s made about liking the feeling of not being able to breathe: <https://twitter.com/wowwuxian/status/1308858142638387202?s=20>
> 
> Yibo and his regular trips to visit Xiao Zhan during the filming of _Oath of Love_ : <https://untamedconnotations.tumblr.com/post/618502062136852480/hi-first-of-all-thank-you-very-much-for-your>
> 
> Xiao Zhan throws candy while competing on _Our Song_ : <https://twitter.com/OldObsess/status/1278492681497346048?s=20>
> 
> Xiao Zhan appears on _Who’s the Murderer_ with a hickey and a cut lip: <https://twitter.com/akaiito1125/status/1267587561658040320?s=20>
> 
> Sweet moments from Tencent Starlight: <https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z7zB5GJdF-U>
> 
> Weibo Night moments: <https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9xTk8EENpoY>


	19. Family

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Xiao Zhan goes home for a heart to heart with his parents. He has decisions to make.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is dedicated to my parents and my children, who I hope have forgiven my many mistakes.
> 
> I adore feedback from readers, so please leave comments if you have thoughts, questions, or just want to emote about the boys!
> 
> If you enjoyed this story, you might like this collection of other [short works](https://archiveofourown.org/series/1998622) that live in the same universe.

**_March 2020, Chongqing_ **

Xiao Zhan groaned. The last thing he wanted at the end of a long day of travel was to get dropped off at the wrong house. Because this was not his parents’ home. Instead of a house with a modest wrought iron gate to the front courtyard, he was looking at one with an imposing stone wall and a heavy wooden door set into it.

“Just a minute,” he told the cab driver as he pulled up a map on his phone. But then the door swung open and a woman stepped out. Her eyes lit up as she rushed over.

“ZhanZhan!”

“Ma…” he murmured. He fumbled with the car door handle and struggled to lever his lanky frame out of the stupidly-small taxi. 

Laughing at his own clumsiness, he called out, “How did you know I was out here?”

His mother looked for a moment as if she was about to launch into one of her loud, lively stories, but stopped and instead waved dismissively in the direction of the door she’d just come through. Xiao Zhan looked up and saw a security camera mounted above it. He felt his insides twist.

Finally on his feet, he drew his mother in for a hug, his heart aching with the realization of just how _small_ she felt in his arms. _I should be taking care of her now, but instead I’m making her life harder._

His eyes went back to the wall and the security camera silently blinking at them. “Ma, when did you --”

“ _Aiyaaa_ , ZhanZhan-ah, come on,” she said briskly, patting him on the back and gesturing to the driver to unload Xiao Zhan’s bags. “Let’s get your stuff inside first and then we can talk. Your father will be home for dinner.”

Xiao Zhan smiled fondly to himself as his mother herded him through the door, still fussing over him. “You must be so tired. Have you eaten yet? _Waaahh_ , you are too skinny...”

Just beyond the stone wall, the familiar front courtyard was still there, tidy and just as he always remembered it. As they made their way through the house to the warmth of the kitchen, Xiao Zhan’s gaze passed over the framed photos, the small mementos scattered about, the dings in the furniture that were left by a certain rambunctious child, years ago. 

The familiarity and comfort of it all washed through him, and he could feel his body let go of the tension he’d been holding (for how long, he couldn’t say). With a gasp, the tears rose in an instant.

He felt his mother’s hand on his arm. “ZhanZhan?”

Xiao Zhan shook his head, sobbing. “Ma… I’m so sorry… so sorry…”

“Ahh, what are you apologizing for?”

He took a shuddering breath. “You - you didn’t want me to leave and I did and now look where I am. Look where _you_ are, having to hide behind a giant wall. It’s because of me, all of this -- I’ve - I’ve brought you so much trouble. I’m - I’m so sorry...”

“Nonsense,” she responded, warm and light. “I _like_ my new wall -- it looks nice and now I have more privacy for when I do my _tai chi_ exercises in the morning.” She reached up to rub his back, her eyes silently urging him to accept her explanation, her embrace of what couldn’t be changed. 

”Now sit. I’ll make us some tea.” 

Xiao Zhan knew that his mother’s nonchalance was bullshit -- he remembered with bitterness the times when both overzealous fans and antis had staked out his parents’ home, stealing away their privacy, their anonymity. 

So he should have been glad that they had taken this step to protect themselves, and yet the wall still loomed in Xiao Zhan’s mind as a monument to his selfishness -- the price his parents were paying for the choices he had made. 

He had thought he understood the extent to which his fame (and now infamy) touched his parents, but now the sheer mass of the wall showed that he did not know all that he was costing them.

“Never feel like you owe _me_ an apology for the life you are living, ZhanZhan.” Her voice was soft and soothing, but also firm. “It’s your life. I only want you to be happy.” 

“You never approved of me pursuing a career in entertainment,” he murmured quietly through the tears. “And maybe… maybe you were right.” He dabbed at his eyes with his sleeves.

His mother swatted his shoulder. “Stop this talk. It’s not that we didn’t approve. But we knew it would be hard, and we worried for you.” She heaved a deep, sad sigh. “It turned out that we were right about how nasty the industry is.” 

Xiao Zhan wiped his eyes and hung his head in resigned agreement. “I wasn’t really prepared for all of this.”

“That’s why we were hesitant,” she said as she bustled around the kitchen. “Why we wanted you to be sure. It’s like when you decided you wanted to open your own design studio. We gave you seed money, but it was up to you to decide it was something you really wanted to do. When it’s your dream, you must sweat for it, and make the sacrifices.”

She set a teapot on the table with two cups. While they waited for the leaves to steep, Xiao Zhan laughed softly at the memory.

“As I recall, you and Ba basically told me, ‘If you regret this and come crying to us, we won’t help you!’”

“And you worked hard, with ingenuity, and had good results! We were so proud of you.” She ruffled his hair fondly and sat down at the table with him, pouring the tea. “If instead, we had told you that we would bail you out of all your mistakes, would you have been as dogged? Working without a safety net has a way of forcing you to focus, to do things right the first time.” His mother nodded to herself and sipped her tea.

Xiao Zhan shook his head with a smile. “But Ma … but I’ve always been determined and a hard worker, haven’t I? It wasn’t all just because you didn’t indulge me!”

His mother raised an eyebrow and pointed a finger at him. “And who raised you to be like that? A couple of stubborn Chongqingers, that’s who!”

“Okay, okay,” Xiao Zhan conceded with an affectionate grin. “Point taken.”

She leaned back in her chair and sighed. “Then you decided to leave behind your new studio and go on that show -- to try for stardom.” She took another sip of tea and leveled a sharp gaze at Xiao Zhan. “Perhaps you hoped we would be excited? Be rah-rah cheerleaders? _Wah!_ You have your friends for that. Of course we saw your talent! But we would not have been doing our job as parents if we hadn’t pushed you to consider the risks and plan for them, or choose a different path. That is not the same thing as being disapproving.” 

Xiao Zhan sipped his tea absently, his thoughts flying back to the days he spent at home in Chongqing after he’d been eliminated from _X-Fire_ , eating and sleeping too much, waiting for the “I told you so” that never came.

With the passage of time came a clarity that wasn’t there in the midst of his grieving for a dashed dream. When he had believed he no longer had to starve himself, the love was there in the form of his favorite dishes. When he had needed to clear his head, they’d given him quiet. 

All along, he had been sure his parents didn’t understand him, but they’d seen him more clearly than he had known.

As if reading his thoughts, his mother offered, “We saw how _alive_ you were on stage, when you were performing, and we saw how hard you took it when you thought you wouldn’t be able to continue. If being on stage was where your heart was, we would support you. But _aiyaa_ … we also knew -- we _know_ \-- how ruthless this business is.”

She paused to pour herself more tea. “It’s a hard life you’ve chosen, but you make me so proud,” she declared, “even if I had hoped for a more quiet life for my only child. Parents have dreams for their children based on what they already know -- you built a life for yourself that I could never have imagined. That doesn’t make it a bad dream. It’s just a different one… one that belongs to you.”

Xiao Zhan huffed out a bitter laugh. “Well, it’s not much of a dream right now, is it?” 

“Ah, ZhanZhan… I don’t know what to say,” her voice full of sadness. “I don’t understand any of it myself. All I know is that it’s not your fault, ah? What's happening to you is wrong. But you can only continue to be the good example you had set out to be, and hope that it passes soon.”

“And what if it doesn’t?”

“It will,” she said reassuringly. “Have faith that it will -- it might take time, but you’re strong. And you’re not a quitter -- you keep moving forward. You will find your own path -- to this dream or to a new one.” 

His mother gave him a teasing smile. “Of course, you are always welcome to come home if you want, ZhanZhan.”

Xiao Zhan giggled and made a show out of checking his watch. “Ah, it took you 55 minutes to offer to have me move home. Not your best time, but you get points for consistency!” 

His mother joined him in laughter over their running joke. “We miss you, ah! Although,” she said with a knowing look, “I think Little Son would have something to say about you moving back to Chongqing.”

Xiao Zhan’s face flushed, and he couldn’t keep his lips from curving into a happy grin. “ _Aiyaa -_ it took you 56 minutes to mention Yibo. You're slipping, Ma. He would be upset you didn't ask about him sooner.”

“I don't need to ask as much anymore,” she protested. “You know, he calls or texts me almost as often as you do. These days.”

Xiao Zhan did know this, but the tender, familial gesture still brought a lump to his throat every time he thought about it. It was vaguely mortifying, imagining them all talking about him and what he was going through. Even so, he couldn’t deny the warm feelings it evoked to be loved like that, and to know that the people he loved most were taking care of each other too.

It had been a surprise to find out Yibo had been doing this, and not just because he wasn’t one for idle chitchat (other than with Xiao Zhan, of course).

“Ma, it makes me smile to hear you embrace him like another son. It was more than I hoped for when I first told you about him.”

“You slander us!” she groused. “Chongqing people are open-minded,” she declared, tilting her chin up proudly. But then her face softened, and Xiao Zhan thought he saw a touch of regret in her expression. 

“ _Ai_ , ZhanZhan,” she said with an apologetic tilt of her head. “I hope you can understand...” There was a long pause, her gaze unfocused as she thought back to that day. 

Xiao Zhan had journeyed home for a visit the October after _A-Ling_ had wrapped. He’d just turned 27, and so his parents, as they did (as _every_ parent did, frankly), urged him to find a nice girl and _get married already_.

“I knew you were going to ask, and I agonized over what I could tell you,” he recalled. “I was so sure then that you were just waiting for me to get the acting bug out of my system so I could come home and settle down with a nice homey girl…”

He shook his head at the memory, how he had to push himself to not just deflect the marriage question with a joke, but to _say the words_ \-- to say that he’d already fallen in love with someone. 

Another actor. 

A man.

He recalled the icy silence that had reigned in the room afterwards, the way he saw in his parents’ faces their confusion and sadness. Their _disappointment_.

His mother’s voice interrupted his thoughts. “We weren’t disappointed. We have never been disappointed in you.”

That was not how Xiao Zhan remembered that day. In the scene that replayed in his head, there were tears, assurances that Yibo was just a phase, words exchanged that were best forgotten. But there was no point in dredging up any of that now. 

Back then, Xiao Zhan had sanitized the whole episode for Yibo when he related it to him, to avoid poisoning the well. Because his parents would come around. And Yibo was not just a phase. Xiao Zhan was sure of all of that.

Eventually, that version of the truth became family lore, all the sharp edges sanded away and refracted through the rose-colored lens of time. It was better that way.

Sensing where his mind had gone, his mother touched his hand. “I won’t deny that what you were telling us didn't match the future that we had envisioned for you -- what we thought you yourself had wanted before...”

She trailed off, and Xiao Zhan exhaled heavily. He rubbed anxiously at a scratch on the tabletop. “I once thought I had wanted that too. But now I look back and I think that maybe - maybe I didn’t follow her because, in my heart, I knew it wasn’t right.”

He looked up to meet his mother’s eyes. “I know now what it feels like to not want to let someone go, to want to keep him close, no matter what it took.” Pulling at his earlobe, he grinned sheepishly. “I’m told it took me too long to figure that out myself.”

“I wish now that we’d been more understanding, more accepting. Back then.” She fiddled with her fingers anxiously at the memory. “But just like with your decision to pursue being an idol, we worried about the unknown, and feared how difficult your life would be.”

“Ah, ZhanZhan, do you remember? For _years_ , you put off my dating questions by telling me that as an idol, you couldn’t date a girl.” She paused, reflecting on that day, now long past. “So when you told us about Yibo, all I could think was that if dating a girl could end your career, make you a target for hate, what would being with a man bring you?”

Xiao Zhan watched as she worried the ring on her finger. “So yes, I did keep hoping. That maybe you’d take an easier path… for once.” 

A deep voice spoke up from the doorway. “It is always hard for parents to find a balance between support and guidance. We don’t always get it right, but we try.”

“Ba!” Xiao Zhan leapt from his seat to embrace his father.

“Ah, welcome home. Sorry I wasn’t here when you arrived.” He gestured at the kitchen table. “Sit, sit! I don’t want to interrupt this important conversation. Go on. I’ll catch up.” He smiled and pulled up a chair, collapsing into it with a loud, end-of-the-day exhale. 

Xiao Zhan felt his heart swell with emotion, sitting with his parents at the kitchen table as he had done so many times as he was growing up. 

But the faces looking back at him now were older, more tired -- worn by proud people at a point in their lives when they surely hoped that they would finally reap the fruits of their life’s work. 

As supportive as his parents were now, Xiao Zhan had come to understand how hard his path had been for them to accept. Bit by bit, they’d let go of their own hopes and dreams for him: a stable job, regular visits… grandchildren someday. These had seemed like modest wants, but they’d all faded away with each choice he’d made in his life.

When he'd started his studio, his parents had expected him to bear his failures on his own. Now his idol career was imploding, and all he could think about was how much they had sacrificed and lost on account of him.

His parents insisted that they had made peace with it. _As long as you’re happy, we are happy_ , they’d say. When his star was flying high, he believed them. It was easy then. These days, though, he couldn’t help but to second-guess the tradeoff, to wonder what it was he owed his parents.

His mother took his hand. “Let me tell you -- when we met Yibo, when you brought him home for the new year, and we saw just how happy you were with him, how caring you were to each other… It may not have been the life we had imagined for you at first, but when we reflected on it later, we realized that it was really all any parent could want for their child. Happiness. To know that you were loved and cared for.”

She reached out to touch his face, her eyes wet with tears. “Can you forgive us? We are sorry that we made you feel like we didn’t support and love you the way you needed.”

“Ma,” he choked out, his own tears spilling onto his cheeks. “You don’t need to ask for forgiveness. I’m the one who is sorry for how things have turned out.”

At this, his father piped up. “ _Ai_ , ZhanZhan! We did not raise you to talk like this, as if this is how things will end.” His voice was gruff, but there was a twinkle in his eye as he spoke. 

“You know,” he began, gesturing with his hands in a way that Xiao Xhan found comfortingly familiar, “it’s almost prophetic that we named you 战 instead of 赞 -- Zan might have suggested that you needed approval or praise in life. Approval is certainly important in the work you have chosen to do,” he continued, “but other people’s opinion or regard shouldn’t define who you are.”

“Instead,” he intoned seriously, fixing Xiao Zhan with his soulful eyes, “remember that we gave you the name _Zhan_ \-- you’re a fighter, and so you will fight for what’s right, for what you want.”

His father leaned forward and raised an eyebrow at Xiao Zhan and his mother. “And now, if you two are done crying over things in the past and things that aren’t going to happen, can we talk about the things that _should_ happen? Like dinner?” 

He pointed a finger at Xiao Zhan. “Your mother has planned a feast for your visit, and I’ve been looking forward to it all day!”

“ _Ai!_ ” his mother cried and swatted him. “Always thinking with your stomach! We were just having a nice conversation and you come barging in here...”

Xiao Zhan laughed as he watched them bicker fondly. _There’s nothing like family._

\-------------

“How is it being back at home?”

“So good, Lao Wang.” Xiao Zhan stretched out on the bed in his old room and smiled into his phone. “I don’t think I realized how much I needed this, to see my parents… to not be alone in the apartment.”

Yibo looked pained. “I’m so sorry, Ge. I wish--”

“No, oh no, that’s not what I meant! God, don’t apologize -- there’s been too much of that already today!” Seeing Yibo’s confused expression, Xiao Zhan shook his head, “Ahh, it’s a long story. Ma was just feeling bad about things in the past.”

Yibo nodded. “Mn.”

Xiao Zhan studied Yibo’s face through the screen. He looked… exhausted. “ _Baobao_ , are you okay? You don’t look so good.”

“Thanks for that,” Yibo drawled, offended.

“ _Aish_ , you know what I mean!” Xiao Zhan rolled his eyes at Yibo’s vanity and hurried to soothe his ego. “You’re always handsome, Lao Wang. So handsome. But - are you taking care of yourself? Sleeping enough? Eating enough?”

“Mn. Just a long day on set, that’s all. Missing you.” He groaned and fell back onto his hotel bed, settling in. “I don’t know.”

Xiao Zhan hummed sympathetically. “I really miss you too. You should get some rest. You don’t want to get sick. _I_ don’t want you to get sick.”

“But I want to talk to you,” Yibo pouted. “I haven’t talked to you all day.”

“I’ll be here tomorrow too. Sleep, okay? I’ll - I’ll sing you a song?”

“Until I fall asleep?”

 _Oh, those puppy dog eyes._ “Yes, of course, _gouzaizai_.”

“Okay,” he smiled. “I love you, Zhan-ge.”

“I love you too.”

Xiao Zhan began to sing, and watched as Yibo’s face relaxed, a faint smile on his lips. 

He was asleep before the end of the chorus.

_Learning to face loneliness without regrets_

_Just to be worthy of your smile_

_No matter how tough the future is_

_As long as you’re by my side, I’ll be_

_Satisfied_

\-------------

In the morning, Xiao Zhan went for a run in the fresh air. He never got to do this anymore in Beijing because it was just too much of a hassle to run in a mask and hat, and he was too worried he’d be spotted by fans to relax into his pace. His parents’ house, though, was just out of the way enough that he could be anonymous, and lose himself in thought over the miles.

He’d taken Yibo along this same route for a morning jog when he’d visited for the Lunar New Year holiday the previous year. It was a bit of a risk for them to go out together, but Yibo had needed to burn off stress. 

It had meant so much to Yibo that Xiao Zhan had finally told his parents that they were together. The fact that he had put it off for so long had become an obsession of sorts for Yibo -- proof that Xiao Zhan wasn’t all in. 

But when Xiao Zhan finally brought Yibo home to meet his parents, Yibo was so nervous about making a good impression that he could barely eat (and it didn’t help that Chongqing cuisine was a good deal spicier than he could handle).

“They think I’m too young for you, I can tell,” Yibo had fretted during their jog.

Xiao Zhan didn’t want to lie and tell Yibo he was just being paranoid, so he had changed the subject, to talk about their visit to Louyang the week before. “Did your parents think I was too old for you?”

“Of course not. They loved you. What parents wouldn’t love you? I think they think I won the lottery or something, snagging the perfect guy --”

Xiao Zhan cringed and shoved Yibo’s shoulders, almost knocking him over as he jogged. “Stop, stop!”

Yibo laughed. “They’re _happy_ I have someone older who can keep me in line.”

“Barely,” Xiao Zhan grumbled.

“Hey!”

Yibo’s parents might have been happy about their relationship, but Xiao Zhan’s parents were still skeptical then. On top of their other concerns, they weren’t convinced that Yibo, at only 21 -- someone raised in the fickle spotlight of fame -- could be serious enough about Xiao Zhan to make the risk worthwhile.

“Ma, it’s been almost two years now, and he’s clingier than ever,” he’d laughed when she worried aloud about it after their visit. 

Then, more seriously: “He’s not some unreliable child, ah? He’s the most decisive person I know. He knows what he wants in life and pursues it relentlessly. And... he really takes care of me. I think he deserves the benefit of the doubt, don’t you?”

But he had understood her worries all too well. For too long, they had been his, too.

\-------------

Back at his parents’ home, Xiao Zhan lingered over lunch with his mother and poked at the thoughts that had crowded his mind during his morning run.

“What was it, Ma? What was it that finally convinced you to embrace Yibo?”

She looked up from her plate and leveled a look at him. “I should ask you the same question. What took you so long to tell us about him?”

“My hesitation wasn’t about him,” he protested.

“I see. Then it was us that you didn’t trust, ah?”

“Ma! Don’t twist my words! That’s not what I meant.”

“It’s okay,” she nodded, narrowing her eyes at him in that way he knew so well, like she was seeing through him. “I deserved that.”

“Something changed, though,” she prodded. “After a year and a half, you decided it was time to brave telling us. So what was it?”

Xiao Zhan thought back to when he’d gone to Japan after _A-Ling_ wrapped, and he’d meditated for hours on the complicated emotions swirling within him. Wei Wuxian and Lan Wangji. Xiao Zhan and Yibo. 

Spending months channeling soulmates had been a transformative experience -- it had given what they felt for each other a weight that was new and exhilarating. But then so did spending months just being together. 

Being _seen_ as together. 

The staff and their castmates called them lovebirds, a married couple, treated them as if they belonged to each other, endured their annoying public displays of affection, and then came to expect it of them. Yibo loved it. Xiao Zhan found he liked it too -- and especially loved how happy it made Yibo.

And wasn’t this what Xiao Zhan had promised to Yibo, all those years ago when they dreamed up the idea of working together? 

No more hiding. At least from the people who matter.

Xiao Zhan turned his mother’s question around in his head, about what it was that spurred him to finally tell his parents about Yibo.

“It was a lot of things,” he said, finally. “Filming together, and growing closer during that time helped me see that how I’d felt about him before wasn’t just infatuation, or just novelty. And that his feelings were real too. He showed me every day that he--” his breath hitched for a moment. “He really cares so much. As time has passed, he’s only become more invested in what we have, not less.”

He sighed. “But maybe the most important thing was that it meant so much to Yibo that the people close to us know about us and support us. It hurt him that I kept him a secret -- he couldn't shake the fear that it meant I was ashamed of him, or was just waiting for something better -- or at least easier -- to come along. Telling you and Ba was something he'd wanted for a long time, and I felt I couldn’t deny him that any longer, not if I really loved him.”

His mother shook her head. “A whole year and a half and you didn’t say anything! _Aiyaa_ … poor Yibo!”

Xiao Zhan laughed, as much for his own foolishness as for the joy he felt in seeing his mother take Yibo’s side in sympathy. Despite everything.

“Ah, but you know that we worried too,” his mother said. “We looked up his videos after you told us, and could see he was young, a little wild, and we wondered -- will he hurt ZhanZhan? But after you came to visit for the new year… and then especially after he came to visit us last summer…”

It was a big deal, that trip in June. Yibo was coming to Chongqing to shoot an episode for _Extreme Youth_ , so they had talked about visiting Xiao Zhan’s parents while he was in town. But then Xiao Zhan couldn’t leave his set in Hengdian -- so Yibo went alone.

“He almost chickened out,” Xiao Zhan smiled. “But he knew that, at some level, you doubted he was serious, doubted his maturity, and so he wanted to prove you wrong.”

“That he did,” his mother agreed. “When he came to see us that day, without you, that was when I knew that he was serious, that he thought of you as… well, _family_.”

 _Family_.

Xiao Zhan felt a little breathless at his mother’s words, at how perfectly it described what they had become for one another. They argued and bickered and teased all the time, precisely because they _could_ \-- because it was safe for them to let their guards down with each other, to be real people with flaws and tempers and impolite thoughts. 

And even if they miscalculated on how far they could push one another, there was no longer any doubt that they would smooth it over. They would be there for each other no matter what.

What else could he name that kind of bond?

“Eh, ZhanZhan? Why are you crying?”

“Mn?” Xiao Zhan blinked and furrowed his brow. “I’m not--” He touched his face and felt the wetness on his cheeks. He sighed in resignation, shaking his head.

“What is it? What are you thinking, son?”

“About family,” he murmured softly, unable to meet her eyes. “The sacrifices that we make for each other, even if maybe - maybe we shouldn’t. Or _you_ shouldn’t.” 

He thought about the pain that he had caused his parents, the dreams they gave up, the literal walls they’d had to erect to keep out the hate and chaos that now followed him everywhere. They endured it out of love for him, which both warmed and pained him.

_I owe them more than this._

“We shouldn’t make sacrifices for you?” She frowned. “This is what it means to be family, ZhanZhan. We are there for each other.”

Xiao Zhan’s thoughts turned to the wall he hadn't known about, his unvarnished coming-out story. _It's not that simple._ _This is family too._

“These days, everyone close to me suffers. Friends can’t even say my name on social media without being attacked. I couldn’t come to _wai gong’s_ funeral because of it. You and Ba… Yibo… you worry and lose sleep… what haunts me chases you, too. Because you're too close.” 

He recalled the scene he filmed with Shijie, who suffered so much for her love of Wei Ying. “Why would you yoke your own neck?” he asked bitterly. “For what?”

His mother shook her head. “Sometimes I wonder if maybe we raised you to be _too_ independent. Is that why it's so hard for you to allow yourself to be loved?”

The question stopped him cold. 

“I - It’s not that I can’t accept love -- it’s - it’s…” He trailed off, thinking. Finally he muttered, “What am I worth if I can’t protect the people I care the most about?”

“ZhanZhan--”

“No, please let me finish, Ma,” he cut in gently. He took a deep breath. “Yibo is so amazing. So, so talented. Beautiful, hardworking… he’s on the cusp of something big, and the last thing he needs is to be tied to someone who has become a magnet for everything that should be far, far away from him. He’ll never admit that -- he’s too loyal.”

He blinked, trying to hold back the tears that were welling up. “But me… if I can protect him--” He swallowed hard. “--by pushing him away… even if it's the last thing I want for myself... Isn’t that how I love him best?”

His mother laughed softly and brushed the tears from his face. “Honestly, ZhanZhan -- did you watch your own drama? Lan Wangji stood with Wei Wuxian not just out of love, but because it was the right thing to do. And it was only because they stood together that they were able to reveal the truth and prevail. And to finally be happy together.”

He sighed condescendingly. “I’m talking about reality, Ma. Not a TV drama.”

“Don’t you think that I wish I could have protected you from all this too? Forced you to make different choices in your life? Made them for you?” She gave him a gentle, exasperated look. “But I also have to trust that you know what you want. That’s love too.” 

She leaned forward. “I think that you need to share with Yibo what you’re feeling. Before you talk yourself into a decision you will both regret. He deserves a chance to be heard.”

As if on cue, his phone rang. Xiao Zhan raised an eyebrow at his mother as he took his phone out. “Perhaps he heard us talking, ah?”

His amusement turned to concern as he looked at the screen and took the call.

“Han-ge? What is it? … _Is Yibo okay?”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> References:
> 
> Xiao Zhan interview that has some tidbits about his relationship with his parents: <https://xzhan1005.wordpress.com/2020/04/10/portrait-with-xiaozhan/>
> 
> Xiao Zhan talks about how his parents think of the entertainment industry as unstable and would want him to come home to a stable life: <https://twitter.com/xzhan1005/status/1188796743879708677?s=20>
> 
> Some random bits about Xiao Zhan, including why his parents named him Xiao Zhan instead of Xiao Zan (which is still a fan nickname for him): <https://www.hotpot.tv/news/10-fun-facts-about-xiao-zhan-from-the-untamed>
> 
> After he joined X Nine, Xiao Zhan’s parents missed him so much: <https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-lixh9ljTb8>
> 
> October 2019 interview for Ai Si Bu Si on a variety of issues, including dating and parents: <https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f1YeyyUXhu8>
> 
> Rumored visit to meet Xiao Zhan’s parents in Chongqing for Lunar New Year in 2019: <https://twitter.com/khj_wxyz/status/1315932672439447552?s=21>
> 
> <https://twitter.com/forlorn_madnezz/status/1316069954039537664?s=21>
> 
> Xiao Zhan’s parents celebrated his 29th birthday with him in 2010: <https://twitter.com/XxFathom/status/1313152639748567049?s=20>
> 
> Xiao Zhan's Weibo post on his 29th birthday in 2010, thanking his parents for their support: <https://twitter.com/xiaozhan911005/status/1312937325102419971?s=20>
> 
> Xiao Zhan may or may not have been thanking his parents for being his "24-hour support," depending on how you read his post: <https://twitter.com/OldObsess/status/1314275086162186243?s=20>


	20. The Single Log Bridge

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sometimes the past can show you the way forward...

**_March 2020, Hengdian_ **

Another day on set.

Yibo absently coasted along on his skateboard, into the loading dock where workers were unloading equipment for the day’s shoot. He had been hoping to skate his way out of the mood he was in, maybe try a few tricks off of the ramp, but he soon became uncomfortably aware of the echoing, clattering noise his board was making in the cavernous space, and the way a few heads jerked up at the sound of his approach. 

“Sorry,” he muttered to no one in particular, and kicked his board up into his hands, retreating to the side to let the buzz of activity resume around him. 

As Yibo stepped back to give a wide berth to a couple of men in coveralls carrying unwieldy mic booms and lighting stands, his eye fell on a lone crew member unloading boxes of equipment from a parked truck. Just the sight of his tall, lean frame made Yibo’s chest ache.

Suddenly, all Yibo could think about (as if he needed the reminder) was that it had been a month since he had last seen Xiao Zhan. 

How could a month be both too long and too short?

The time they’d spent together in quarantine had also been a month. More than enough time to get used to waking up next to Xiao Zhan, enjoying lazy mornings in bed with nowhere to be, lingering over home-cooked meals, cuddling on the couch to watch a movie or to just talk. 

Time enough to feel _complete._

But those idyllic days came to an end all too fast. When that last morning finally arrived, Yibo found himself dreading the next one, and the next, and the next one after that -- morning after morning when he would wake up alone in a faraway hotel. Eat dreary room service alone. Watch TV alone. Do everything and nothing alone.

Yibo remembered how Xiao Zhan had come down to the parking garage with him that last day, to where staff was waiting to take him to the airport. They had lingered by the open car door, already missing one another and wishing that everyone would just go away and give them a moment. But it was long past time to go and there was a plane to catch.

Xiao Zhan had handed Yibo the bag that he’d packed with a supply of the green tea Yibo used to steal from him, pastries and cookies that Xiao Zhan had baked fresh (more than Yibo could possibly eat), a bottle of Chanel Bleu. A promise. _I'll see you._ Yibo clutched the bag to his chest like the offering of love that he knew it was.

Someone cleared a throat. 

Yibo had set the bag down on the car seat and thrown his arms around Xiao Zhan, running his fingers through his hair and trying to commit to memory the feel of his body against his. One last hug that would have to last for who knew how long. Maybe months.

Saying goodbye was never easy, but _that_ goodbye had felt to Yibo like he was being ripped in half. He’d felt empty and slightly lost when he got to Hengdian, especially that first night apart -- so when the next day brought a storm that knocked Xiao Zhan’s world off its axis, Yibo had _wanted_ to be strong for Xiao Zhan. But he struggled. 

Standing in that bleak, empty loading dock, Yibo realized that he’d been struggling for weeks.

He missed Xiao Zhan, missed his touch. The phone calls and video chats weren’t enough anymore. 

Yibo’s eyes went to the tall crew member again, and although the man’s features were obscured by his mask, hat, and drab uniform, Yibo felt a flare of… _something_ leap to life within him. Before he was even aware, his feet had taken a few tentative steps forward. 

Yibo swept a practiced gaze around the space and into the alley behind him. They were alone. 

Heart pounding, he strode towards the man.

\-------------

When he saw who was calling him, Xiao Zhan had tried to keep himself calm, to breathe through the anxiety that had settled like a rock in his chest.

“Han-ge? What is it? ... _Is Yibo okay?”_

The voice on the other end of the line was warm and kind, even in confusion. “Yes of course! Why would you think he isn’t?”

Xiao Zhan let out a relieved breath, followed by an embarrassed, nervous laugh. “I - I’m just getting used to getting bad news every time I answer a call,” he admitted sadly. “I saw your name, and I - I just automatically feared the worst, I guess.”

Han-ge clucked his tongue sympathetically. “Ah, ZhanZhan, I’m sorry things have been like this for you. I didn’t mean to make you worry. I’m calling because, well, I have a proposition.”

“A proposition?”

“Mn,” Han-ge replied. “How soon can you get to Changsha?”

And so Xiao Zhan had gotten on a plane.

_Yibo is so lucky_ , he thought to himself as he fiddled with a camera on site for a _Tian Tian Xiang Shang_ shoot. Han-ge cared so much for Yibo that he was willing to stick his neck out to help Xiao Zhan, too.

Han-ge surely had other people who could operate a video camera or take photos, but this was an opportunity for Xiao Zhan to break his isolation, to do something creative and engaging behind the camera, if he couldn’t be in front of it just yet. Xiao Zhan knew that the request for help was all a pretext, and it filled him with warmth.

It reminded him that Yibo had the guidance and support of his _TTXS_ brothers and other seniors. So many people who would look out for him and keep him safe. He felt relief, thinking about how Yibo would never be alone.

It would make things easier.

He sighed and reached for a box of camera lenses.

As he did, he felt someone materialize behind him. But before he could react, a strong hand closed firmly around his wrist.

Startled, Xiao Zhan looked at the hand, then turned around.

A broad smile bloomed on his face as he pulled off his mask. 

“How did you know it was me?”

Yibo tried to look offended, but his voice cracked with emotion, his lips twitching up into a grin. “Zhan-ge, after all the staring I’ve done over the years, I would know you anywhere.”

\-------------

The hotel loading dock was no place for a romantic reunion, but the interminable journey up to Yibo’s suite was a test of their restraint. The air between them was thick with anticipation.

In the elevator, Yibo’s fingers swept lightly over Xiao Zhan’s arm, his hands itching with the need to be full of the man standing just inches away. 

“How… how are you here?” Yibo choked the question out through the tears that had risen the moment the elevator doors closed and they were nominally alone.

Xiao Zhan slid his eyes to the security camera and pulled his cap lower over his face as he stepped in front of Yibo. “It was Han-ge,” he murmured, leaning forward. “He asked me to meet him in Changsha, and then put me on a private plane with the crew and equipment for your part of today’s shoot.” 

Xiao Zhan looked down and shuffled his feet, moving in close enough to brush a knee against Yibo’s leg. “He seems to think he’ll like what he gets out of you today with me behind the camera.” 

Yibo sucked in a breath, clenching his fists to keep them at his side as he watched the elevator display count up to his floor.

As soon as the doors parted, Yibo grabbed Xiao Zhan’s hand and pulled him out into the hallway and towards his room. At the door, Yibo fumbled with his key card, driven to distraction by the warmth of Xiao Zhan’s breath at his neck.

The lock whirred open, and they tumbled into the room.

“Bo-ge,” Xiao Zhan panted as Yibo knocked his hat to the floor and pulled him in for a deep, heated kiss. “We don’t have - have a lot of time. Before your - your shoot.”

Yibo backed Xiao Zhan towards the bed. “I don’t care, I can’t wait. I need you, Ge. I won’t be able to concentrate unless…” He trailed off, letting the movements of his body complete his thought.

Xiao Zhan sank down on the mattress, moaning as Yibo surged forward, laying kisses down his neck, his hands roaming everywhere as if to satisfy himself that Xiao Zhan was really there. 

“I missed you so much, Ge,” he ground out. “Being able to kiss you… to touch you like this.” Yibo reached for the zipper of Xiao Zhan’s decidedly un-sexy crew uniform and dragged it open, running his hand down the length of his body as he did. Xiao Zhan gasped at the sensation, and they tangled into each other, breaking apart just long enough to peel away Xiao Zhan’s coveralls, to pull shirts over their heads, to struggle out of the rest of the clothing separating them. 

“Zhan-ge.” Yibo’s voice was low and rough in his ear, a desperate edge cutting through it. “Tell me you missed me. Did you? Did you miss me?” Xiao Zhan could only nod helplessly as Yibo kissed him roughly and took them both in his hand.

“Tell me,” Yibo rasped, his words hot against Xiao Zhan’s lips.

“I missed you, I missed you,” Xiao Zhan chanted as they fell into their rhythm. His eyes went wet as he felt the hard planes of Yibo’s body against his, asserting his presence.

“I miss you,” he wept, his mind going back to the miserable nights he'd spent alone, how his chest would tighten with a frustration he couldn't dispel, the fears he’d tried to suppress. Now, a different yet familiar tension coiled between them as they chased release together.

 _I will always miss you,_ he thought.

He cried out, and they tumbled over the cliff together.

“I'm here, I'm here,” Yibo soothed as Xiao Zhan sobbed in his arms.

\-------------

When it was time to start shooting, Xiao Zhan was relieved to have a mask and a camera to hide behind. He knew his emotions were still all over the place, and he didn’t want whatever was showing on his face to distract Yibo while he worked.

As he shot footage of Yibo giving his little tour through the hallways of his hotel, Xiao Zhan couldn’t help but to recall all those times, back when they were filming _A-Ling,_ when Yibo would insist that he watch him do his scenes. 

It wasn’t that he wanted to ham it up for Xiao Zhan or that he would even acknowledge him with his eyes -- Yibo was too professional for that. He just wanted Xiao Zhan’s eyes on him, and to be able to get his opinion of him afterwards. _Was I handsome? Was I good?_

The theme of the week’s episode was about visiting friends in their homes, but since Yibo was still filming in Hengdian, his segment had him spending an afternoon hanging out in the hotel suite of one of his _Legend of Fei_ co-stars, a veteran actor named Hu Bing. 

Being part of the crew had turned out to be a beautiful gift from Han-ge -- the chance to be able to observe Yibo from this new vantage point, in a setting far more quiet and relaxed than a normal set. Xiao Zhan tried not to giggle out loud as he filmed his sweet, lovely boy doing things he loved (building Legos, assembling a skateboard) and taking on the things he found hard (cooking, making conversation). 

Xiao Zhan’s heart swelled with fondness.

_Yes, you are handsome. Yes, you are good._

  
  


Back in Yibo’s suite after the shoot, they could finally talk freely.

“... and I can’t believe you invited me to join you in waxing your nose hair!” Xiao Zhan was still laughing at the visual of that whole segment. “What were you thinking?”

Yibo shrugged. “They’ll edit that out. Just like they’ll edit out you praising my skill in assembling that skateboard. Or you tripping all over the other cameraman.” He grinned fondly at Xiao Zhan. “I loved having you there with me today.”

He leaned in for a kiss, savoring the feel of Xiao Zhan’s lips, his scent, the heady sensation of sharing a breath. _But…_

Yibo pulled back, sensing something was off. “What’s wrong?” He tipped his head to the side, studying Xiao Zhan’s face. “Are you feeling okay? Did you eat enough? Are you tired? When did you get in?”

Xiao Zhan huffed out a laugh. “You really can’t help babying me, can you?” He sighed, suddenly serious in a way Yibo didn’t like. “I feel like I’ve robbed you of your youth.”

Yibo hit him.

“No, I’m serious, Lao Wang. You’re - you’re _22_ , and you’re shouldering this immense burden... worrying about me when you have so much to deal with already, when you should be out having fun… I know it's been hard on you.”

“Zhan-ge… if you haven’t noticed, I’ve been doing this for _years_ now.”

“You know what I mean. It’s - it’s different now.”

“It’s not, Ge,” Yibo scoffed. “I always want to do this for you. You know how idol life can be so meaningless. I don’t like parties, I hate chit chat. Going out and getting smashed seems stupid now.” A lump lodged in his throat, and he fought to keep his voice even. “With you… loving you, caring for you… _especially_ with all that’s going on now... I feel focused, like there’s a purpose to what I do.”

“That’s… heavy,” Xiao Zhan breathed, shaking his head. “I - I don’t know if I can live up to all that.”

“You don’t have to ‘live up to’ anything,” Yibo snorted, hoping to lighten the mood. “Are we doing this again?” 

It was a rhetorical question, just their usual playful banter, but Yibo’s smirk dropped from his face as he realized Xiao Zhan was biting his lip, his eyes cast downwards as he fiddled with the hem of his shirt. He was actually _thinking about it_ , and Yibo was suddenly terrified.

Xiao Zhan looked up and shook his head.

“No.”

One syllable, and Yibo’s heart almost stopped. 

“No? _No?_ We’re not--” Yibo’s voice was edging on hysterical now. “Wait, what - what are you saying, Zhan-ge?” He swallowed hard, fighting to hold back the panic rising in his chest. “Did - did you come here to break up with me?”

“I - I thought it would be the right thing to do… to protect you.” Xiao Zhan bit his lip again. “I don’t want to be your anchor, to have you worrying about me, putting yourself at risk of having the antis come after you too. But--”

Yibo cut him off with an outraged noise. “That’s bullshit, Ge! It’s been like this for us for a long time now! You worry about me, I worry about you. Our careers -- sometimes you're up and sometimes I'm up. And when the haters came for me last year, we worked together to fight them. We do this _together._ ”

“I _know_ ,” Xiao Zhan responded. “That’s what I realized… that loving you is more than just trying to protect you, making sacrifices for you.” 

Yibo opened his mouth to speak, but was silenced with a quirk of Xiao Zhan’s eyebrow. 

“Do you remember when you yelled at me to stop being so _Wei Ying_ about all of this? I mean, _everyone_ keeps saying this to me! I can’t help it, though -- I admire him so much, the way he always thought of his loved ones first. He died for them, gave up everything for them. Wei Ying didn’t understand, though, that hurting himself hurt the ones who loved him. That loving someone also means being willing to let them in, to share the pain. If he’d realized this, maybe he could have saved Shijie’s life, saved his relationship with Jiang Cheng, spared Lan Zhan 13 years of anguish. But Wei Ying didn’t know how to accept love from others because he didn’t feel he was worthy of it. And I guess - I guess I’m a lot like him that way.”

Xiao Zhan leaned forward and touched Yibo’s hand. “It’s always been hard for me to let people do things for me, but with you… I’ve always loved how it feels to have you by my side, accompanying me, encouraging me, caring for me. Even so, it’s easier for me to let myself be loved when I feel strong, and I feel like I have something to give in return. Now, with things the way they are for me, I feel _selfish_ wanting this. But... I _do want this_. I - I just want you. If - if you want me too.”

Xiao Zhan looked up at Yibo through his lashes, and Yibo’s mind fuzzed out for a moment, like it always did when Xiao Zhan gave him that look. Then he came back to himself and shoved Xiao Zhan’s shoulder in relief. “Why didn’t you lead with that? You scared the shit out of me!”

“Because I want it to be your choice! You have a lot to lose, staying with me, Lao Wang.”

“Zhan-ge, I hate that you think you need to earn my love. You've always had it. I’ve always wanted you. I’ve never wanted anyone else.”

“ _Aiyaa_. You have your skateboard geges, your dance geges, your motorcycle geges, your _Tian Tian xiong di_. You have geges everywhere. One day maybe you’ll realize you don’t need this gege. We’re so _different_. I don’t do any of the things you love to do.“

Yibo scowled. “You forget how our shared love of acting got us to where we are now.”

Xiao Zhan dropped his head down, pressing the heels of his hands into his eyes. “Yeah, well, now I can’t even do that.”

“Don’t.” Yibo pushed Xiao Zhan’s hands out of the way and tilted his chin up to force him to meet Yibo’s gaze. “Remember when you asked me to explain how I could have fallen for you at first sight? And I couldn’t tell you why you’re the one person I fell in love with -- I mean, other than the fact that you’re gorgeous and talented and kind and brilliant--”

Xiao Zhan flinched and tried to turn away. “Oh my god please stop--”

“-- but I know that the one time I tried to quit you, when I thought you were never going to love me back, I was miserable. Nothing was right until we were together again. You’re my missing piece -- I don’t care that we don’t have all the same interests. I don’t need that to want to be with you. Do you? I mean--” Yibo swallowed, “does it bother you that I only finished high school? Didn't go to uni? I don’t cook or read or knit… is that what this is about?”

“No, no! I don’t care about any of that, Lao Wang. I really don’t.”

“And I don’t care that you’re shit at riding a bicycle! We just fit together in a way that no one else will. You’re the only person in the world I can talk to about nothing all day long and still feel happy. You’ve always thought that the way I fell in love with you was rash and unreliable, but look at us -- it’s three years later, and I’m only crazier about you.”

Xiao Zhan’s shoulders shook with something between a laugh and a sob. “And I’m crazy about you.”

Yibo held Xiao Zhan’s hands and twined their fingers together. “I’ve wanted you since the moment I saw you -- why would I ever let you go?”

Xiao Zhan looked up with solemn eyes. “It’s not going to get easier.”

“I know.”

“It’ll be way harder than we thought.”

“I know.”

“I mean, there’s someone or several someones out there who are really invested in keeping me from coming back, and if you stay with me, you might get dragged down too.”

“ _I know_.”

Xiao Zhan let out an exasperated groan and grabbed Yibo’s shoulders to shake him. “Seriously, Yibo, where is your sense of self-preservation? Everything you’ve worked for, everything you’ve sacrificed for could be at risk if you stay with me!”

“What would that all be worth, if I can’t be happy?”

“Don’t be ridiculous. Being with me is not the only way you can be happy.”

Yibo raked his hands through his hair in utter frustration. “There is no me without you, don’t you get this yet? Ge, if I’m on some path to something greater, like you say, it’s because of you. I wouldn’t be doing what I’m doing now without you.”

“That’s nonsense. You’re so fucking talented -- you don’t need me to be a star.”

“Ge, do you honestly think _A-Ling_ would have been such a huge hit if you hadn’t been in it? If it hadn’t been _us_ playing the leads, with the chemistry we have? Are you serious?”

“I don’t know! I’m just saying you can’t possibly know you couldn’t be just as happy and successful with - with someone else…” His breath hitched at the thought.

“Well,” Yibo declared stubbornly, “I’m not willing to find out if you’re right about that. Are you?”

Xiao Zhan sighed and looked down. “I kept telling myself that the right thing for me to do would be to push you away, to stop you from throwing your future away for me.”

“Don’t --”

“But I don’t want to be without you. I - I just can’t imagine my life without you in it. You are _wo jia xiansheng._ ” _In my heart, you are my husband._

Yibo’s eyes went soft. “Then keep me. I don’t care about the rest if we’re not together. You feel the same, don’t you? If someone told you that you could have all the success you ever wanted, but you would have to give me up,” his voice faltered, “would you?”

“Of course not. But I don’t--”

“Then we’re talking in circles, Ge. Stop. You asked me to make the choice. I choose you. Now the only question is… will you make me the fool?”

Xiao Zhan gazed into Yibo’s eyes, open and waiting. He laughed softly. “You... _fuddy-duddy._ You make yourself a fool all on your own.”

“Ge,” Yibo protested, swatting Xiao Zhan on the shoulder, “I know what I want. Stop talking about me like I'm a child who doesn’t know better.”

“I know, I know,” Xiao Zhan soothed, pulling Yibo into his arms. “I’m sorry, I’m just teasing. I was actually thinking about it just today, when I was filming your segment with Hu Bing. You’ve grown so much.” 

“So let me take care of you. I really want to. You know how good it makes me feel to be able to be there for you. I loved the feeling when you were shooting _The Wolf_ , of you looking to me for support and encouragement. I think that’s why I loved playing Lan Wangji so much -- I felt powerful, needed. And maybe you’re not used to being spoiled and protected, but I know you enjoy it -- why do you think I worried so much that you loved the idea of Lan Wangji more than you loved me?”

“Lan Wangji had nothing on you, Lao Wang,” Xiao Zhan giggled. “You never had anything to worry about there. But yes, I do love that you’re always there for me, the way Lan Zhan was for his Wei Ying,” he admitted with a grin. “You've been my safe haven for years -- the one person I can really be myself around, my 24-hour support through all of this. I can’t tell you what it’s meant to me. It’s - it’s hard to feel worthy of all that.”

“Ge, you--”

“And so you have to let me do the same for you. You need to eat better, get some sleep.” He tapped Yibo’s knees. “Wear some fucking kneepads so I don’t have to wheel you around some day. You can’t be there for me if you’re running yourself into the ground, not taking care of yourself.” 

Yibo nodded, feeling his heart stutter at the casual reference to some distant future together as old men.

“And don’t baby me… at least don’t hide things from me because you think I can’t handle it. You… my parents… _Ai!_ … they didn’t tell me what they were going through. You know how upsetting it was to find out that the people you love didn’t share their struggles and pains?”

Yibo smirked, then deadpanned, “Huh, I have absolutely no idea.”

“ _Aish_ ,” Xiao Zhan sighed. “I told you… I’m bad at sharing that kind of thing.”

“You really are. Shockingly bad for someone who is so good with words.”

Xiao Zhan groaned. “I just hate burdening other people, that’s all.”

“It’s not a burden, Ge. And I’m not just ‘other people.’ This is what I need if we have to be apart while all this is going on. I go crazy when you’re not open with me about what you’re feeling. I need to know.” Yibo chewed on his lip. “I swear it’s - it’s not me being clingy or - or not trusting you…”

“I know, _gouzai_ ,” Xiao Zhan laughed. 

“No, I mean it. I get that you need your space, and that you like to keep things more private than I do.” Yibo pouted. “You promised to be honest with me when you’re hurting, remember? If you keep that promise... I’ll - I’ll stop throwing so much candy, okay?”

It wasn’t what Yibo wanted at all. He still desperately wanted to show off to the world that this gorgeous man was his. But Xiao Zhan was always on his case about being so damn _loud_ all the time, so...

“No. I don’t want that.”

“No? You’re not going to tell me when something’s bothering you? What the f--”

“No, I said I would do that. I meant -- I don’t want you to stop throwing candy.”

Yibo’s mouth dropped open. “You… what?”

“If you want to be loud, then be as loud as you want. Throw candy. Throw bags of it, if you like. I told you years ago that we wouldn’t have to hide anymore, remember? It’s why we did _A-Ling_ together, wasn’t it?”

“But - but,” Yibo stammered, and Xiao Zhan couldn’t help kissing the confused creases on his forehead.

“Look, I don’t think these antis are going to stop no matter what I do, so… I might as well do what I want, right? Live the way I want? So I’ll take on the projects I want to do, find charity work that’s meaningful, create more art that makes me happy… and love the person I want to love. Maybe I _want_ people to know who I love and who loves me. He’s pretty amazing, after all.” He touched Yibo’s cheek.

“But--”

“So if you’re with me--”

“Of course I am.”

“Then I’m going to spoil you, Lao Wang. You deserve it. While I’m getting myself back on track, I’ll visit you on set, and I’ll take care of you.” He smirked at Yibo. “I’ll do whatever you want.”

Yibo’s ears reddened. “You’ll visit me on set?”

“If that’s what you want.”

“I can introduce you to my co-stars?”

“Do you trust them? You have so many people who love you. Everything will be easier for us with the support of friends.”

Yibo cocked a skeptical eyebrow up. “You’re serious? Because like, a half hour ago I thought you were going to break up with me to ‘protect’ me from myself, and now you’re saying you’re okay with me telling people you’re mine?” _It’s what I’ve always wanted._

“I said it’s your choice, Lao Wang. I just wanted you to be really, really sure you know what you’re getting into, staying with me. And if you’re sure, then I’ll take your lead. I mean, yes, of course we need to talk about it, make sure we’re in agreement on how far to go, who to tell, what we can do or say in public. But… I trust you. I love you.”

Yibo grinned. “I’m gonna post a lot of _kadian_ for you.”

“Okay.”

“What if I posted at 10:05?”

Xiao Zhan puffed out his cheeks, eyes wide, but nodded. “I won’t stop you.”

“I’ll post cryptic hints about us online.”

“You know how much I love puzzles.”

“I’m gonna wear the ox necklace out in the open again, even if it pisses off my solo fans.”

“Okay,” Xiao Zhan laughed.

“Do you have any idea what you’re unleashing on China, Ge?”

Xiao Zhan’s eyes danced. “I _trust_ you, Lao Wang. We’ve been together too long for me not to. And it’s how we’re going to get through whatever’s ahead. Together. Do you trust me?”

Fixing Xiao Zhan with that earnest, guileless gaze that always left him flustered, Yibo murmured, “I want to walk that single log bridge with you until it’s dark.”

Xiao Zhan fought the familiar urge to cover his face and shove Yibo away, to deflect the heat of his declaration with a self-deprecating joke or a hasty change of subject. Yibo was always _so much_. But loving him meant loving the way he loved.

He bit his lip, then looked up at Yibo, beaming. “I fancy you, love you, want you, can't leave you, don't want anyone but you, it can't be anyone but you.”

Yibo tilted his head, a questioning look in his eyes. “I don’t remember that line from the script.”

“It’s Wei Ying’s confession to Lan Zhan!” Xiao Zhan cried in mock indignation. “Honestly, are you ever going to read the original novel?”

Yibo looked at Xiao Zhan and smiled -- one of those brilliant smiles that lit up his entire face -- and Xiao Zhan could almost feel the flow of time binding them to one another. 

His head filled with mental snapshots of those eyes gazing open-hearted at him: by a field of yellow flowers, under a full moon, in the middle of a busy set, at night in their bed, on stage in front of screaming fans, through too many screens, or right in front of an unsuspecting interviewer -- the love was always, always there, and Xiao Zhan felt his heart bursting just thinking about it.

More images played in his head, familiar and yet unfamiliar. Yibo high-fiving him over some text message, stroking his cheek in sympathy, gripping his hand as they watch a new drama together, shouting “wow” over fresh artwork, cheering over a phone call. 

Yibo. There for whatever’s still to come.

And then a vision came to Xiao Zhan. The two of them, laughing and smiling together as they walked a red carpet, camera flashes popping around them. Yibo looks tall and dashing in his white suit, gorgeous as always. Xiao Zhan is in a matching suit, because of course he is.

Yibo’s eyes are shining and he’s mouthing _We did it_ as he takes Xiao Zhan’s hands in his and leads him from the altar. 

The rings on their fingers glint in the light.

“Ge.”

Xiao Zhan blinked out of his reverie and looked up. “Hm?”

Yibo laughed, and it was the most lovely sight. He leaned in and placed a kiss on the little mole under Xiao Zhan’s lip. “I asked if you know just how much I love you.”

Xiao Zhan smiled and held Yibo’s hands. He wasn’t sure what the future would hold, or what trials were still ahead, but he knew who he wanted at his side for all of it. 

“I do.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And that's a wrap! Thank you to all the readers who stuck with me through my first fic writing experience. It's been a steep learning curve, and if I could do it all over again, I'd do a lot of things differently, so I'm grateful to everyone who stayed with it to this last chapter.
> 
> And did I kadian the word count? YES I DID. 83,214 --> 博战爱一世, _BoZhan ai yishi_ , or BoZhan love for a lifetime.
> 
> I adore feedback from readers, so please leave comments if you have thoughts, questions, or just want to emote about the boys!
> 
> If you enjoyed this story, you might like this collection of other [short works](https://archiveofourown.org/series/1998622) that live in the same universe.
> 
> I would never have undertaken this work without the encouragement and support of so many. Huge thanks to [KitsuneVen](https://archiveofourown.org/users/KitsuneVen/pseuds/KitsuneVen) for piquing my interest in researching an alternate timeline for Wang Yibo and Xiao Zhan's story, and for spending so many hours workshopping the 2017 story arc with me. This fic exists because of you. I'm indebted to my faithful beta readers, [ShamelessPeterPan (PiscesDragon)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/PiscesDragon/pseuds/ShamelessPeterPan) and [esmeraldablazingsky](https://archiveofourown.org/users/esmeraldablazingsky/pseuds/esmeraldablazingsky), for slogging through all the drafts and helping me polish each chapter. If the work is a mess, it's because I ignored their suggestions. And special thanks to Ven, Shira, and Pika for entertaining my constant requests for research and translation help. 多谢姐姐们！
> 
> References:
> 
> I love the idea of Xiao Zhan hiding in various crews so he can visit Yibo on set. Here's a rumor about Xiao Zhan wearing a disguise in order to visit Yibo on the Street Dance of China 3 set: <https://twitter.com/Bjyx_Diary/status/1324988319688663040>
> 
> April 4, 2020 Tian Tian Xiang Shang episode (shot in Hengdian on March 26, 2020): <https://www.mgtv.com/s/7833156.html>
> 
> (They didn't edit out Yibo offering a nose-hair-waxing-thing to someone behind the camera. There's a second cameraman who trips over some furniture, so I imagine there was a lot of jostling in the small space. There's also a clip somewhere of a maybe-familiar voice praising Yibo while he assembles a skateboard for Hu Bing, but I can't find it right now.)
> 
> Yibo’s suspiciously plush lips in this TTXS episode: <https://i.imgur.com/l5clBDe.png>
> 
> In November 2019, they collaborated on lawsuits aimed at internet haters: <https://twitter.com/od0_0bo/status/1192646695034572800?s=20>
> 
> _Wo jia xiansheng_ (我家先生) can be translated as "husband" but is more poetic: <https://twitter.com/OldObsess/status/1329840240127844352>
> 
> A few things that happened in April 2020:
> 
> April 10, 2020: Xiao Zhan releases plum blossom art and essay: <https://mp.weixin.qq.com/s/Z9gTqxpZG6nov9C62F2Cdw>
> 
> April 13, 2020: Xiao Zhan releases his recording of the classic song Ode to the Red Plum Blossoms: [https://music.163.com/#/album?id=87912695&_hash=songlist-1439975538](https://music.163.com/#/album?id=87912695&_hash=songlist-1439975538)
> 
> April 25, 2020: Xiao Zhan releases Spotlight, which earned a place in the Guinness World Book of Records for being the fastest-selling digital track in China: <http://www.china.org.cn/arts/2020-07/11/content_76261298.htm>
> 
> The response by the song’s writer: <https://twitter.com/IamLeroySanchez/status/1254231335960326144>
> 
> Spotlight became the #1 best-selling streaming single in the world on Xiao Zhan’s birthday, October 5, 2020: <https://twitter.com/Xz1005L/status/1312671548512313344>


End file.
